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  • Anyone familiar with Italian opera or the plays of Shakespeare knows the terrible price

  • paid for grudges, vendetta, and revenge. Under the sway of these emotions painful incidents

  • linger in the mind, sapping our ability to find peace and happiness.

  • The 18th century English poet, Alexander Pope, gave us the antidote: " to err is human, to forgive divine."

  • But finding a way to forgive without giving up our principles is often no easy task.

  • In this course, I am going to address what forgiveness is and how to implement it.

  • I'll be speaking here about forgiveness where it most often is needed -- in the context

  • of your every day personal life with family members, friends, co-workers, and business associates.

  • One of our challenges in understanding this process is that the word -- forgiveness --

  • is inadequate to explain a very complex concept. Forgiveness actually embodies three different things,

  • each of which applies to different situations and provides different results.

  • The three types of forgiveness are:

  • Exoneration Forbearance

  • and Release

  • Let's take each in turn.

  • Exoneration is the closest to what we usually think of when we say "forgiveness".

  • Exoneration is wiping the slate entirely clean and restoring a relationship to the full state of innocence

  • it had before the harmful actions took place. There are three common situations in which exoneration applies.

  • The first takes place when you realize that the harmful action was a genuine accident

  • for which no fault can be assigned.

  • The second is when the offender is a child or someone else who, for whatever reason,

  • simply didn't understand the hurt they were inflicting, and toward whom you have loving feelings.

  • The third situation occurs when the person who hurt you is

  • Truly sorry, • Takes full responsibility (without excuses)

  • for what they did, • Asks forgiveness,

  • And gives you confidence that they will not knowingly repeat their bad action in the future.

  • In all such situations it is essential to accept their apology and offer them the complete

  • forgiveness of exoneration. You'll feel better and so will the person who hurt you. In fact,

  • not to offer forgiveness in these circumstances would be harmful to your own well-being.

  • It might even suggest that there is something more wrong with you

  • than with the person who caused you pain.

  • The second type of forgiveness I call "forbearance." And here things get a little more complicated.

  • Forbearance applies when the offender makes a partial apology or mingles their expression

  • of sorrow with blame that you somehow caused them to behave badly. An apology is offered

  • but it's not what you had hoped for and may not even be fully authentic. While you should

  • always reflect on whether there was a provocation on your part, even when you bear no responsibility

  • you should exercise forbearance if the relationship matters to you. Cease dwelling on the particular offense,

  • do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge, but retain a degree of watchfulness.

  • This is similar to "forgive but not forget" or "trust but verify." By using forbearance

  • you are able to maintain ties to people who, while far from perfect, are still important to you.

  • Furthermore, in some cases after a sufficient period of good behavior,rise

  • forbearance can to exoneration and full forgiveness.

  • But what do you do when the person who hurt you doesn't even acknowledge that they've

  • done anything wrong or gives an obviously insincere apology, making no reparations whatsoever?

  • These are the cases of forgiveness that are the most challenging. In my practice, I find

  • this in such examples as adult survivors of child abuse, business people who have been

  • cheated by their partners, or friends or relatives who have betrayed one another.

  • Still, even here there still is a solution. I call it "release" -- the third type of forgiveness.

  • Release does not exonerate the offender. Nor does it require forbearance.

  • It doesn't even demand that you continue the relationship. But it does ask that you, instead of continuing

  • to define much of your life in terms of the hurt done, allows you to release bad feelings

  • and your preoccupation with the negative things that may have happened to you.

  • Release does something that is critically important: it allows you to let go of the burden,

  • the "silent tax" that is weighing you down and eating away at your chance for happiness.

  • If you do not release the pain and anger and move past dwelling on old hurts and betrayals,

  • you will be allowing the ones who hurt you to live, rent free, in your mind,

  • reliving forever the persecution that the original incident started.

  • Whether you get there through your own efforts, through psychotherapy, through religion

  • or some other method, release liberates you from the tyranny of living in the traumatic past

  • even when the other forms of forgiveness, exoneration and forebearance, are not possible.

  • Exoneration

  • Forbearance

  • Release

  • To forgive may be divine, but when we understand its dimensions we find that it is within our ability to do it.

  • I'm Dr. Stephen Marmer of UCLA Medical School, for Prager University.

Anyone familiar with Italian opera or the plays of Shakespeare knows the terrible price

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許し (Forgiveness)

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    Keto648 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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