When you are experiencing

the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle,

does blood come out of your vagina

at the most inconvenient times?

Are you tired of ruining your best clothes?

Does the idea of playing sports or even just standing up

and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out

of you make you nervous?

Hello.

My name is Roger Horton, and I'm here to sell you

our Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks.

Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks are pretty good

at soaking up a majority of that monthly shedding

of uterine lining, and we think you'll be moderately pleased

with how they improve your life.

We want you to know that your shark week

will be mostly mess free when you use our absorbent sticks.

(laughs)

And we'll never say period.

We'll always use a slightly embarrassing

or straight up shaming euphemism for the thing

that almost every fertile woman has to do.

To convince you to buy our product we're currently

playing trendy, upbeat music while simultaneously

inundating you with images of active

and seemingly carefree young women

who are not currently experiencing the effects

of menstruation.

This will make you wish to also be happy and carefree

while not currently experiencing the cramping, nausea,

headaches or whatever personal effects

of menstruation you get which is obviously something

that our fluffy, absorby stick simply cannot deliver.

During this time when you are, as they would say

in Spain defrosting the steak.

You know because your period is similar

to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see?

Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation

is too disturbing and shouldn't really be discussed.

So we promise to never show red in our commercials

for absorbent vaginal discharge products.

Anything that would normally be described as red

such as blood, we are committed to always portraying

as blue.

We also promise to exclusively represent your period

with vague images of squiggly lines, bouncing balls,

and balloons.

You know, because men could be watching this,

and we don't want to ick them out.

Unless you are younger than 10 to 14 years of age

which is when most women experience puberty.

Every potential baby carrier is intimately familiar

with the menstrual cycle.

If your egg hasn't been fertilized by a male's sperm,

your body will shed the bloody, viscous lining

of its uterus.

Menstrual blood then oozes out of your uterus

through a small opening in your cervix

and gushes out of your vagina.

Gross.

We know.

No one wants to sit around in a sticky cavern

of discomfort which is why you should buy

our Vaginal Blood Soak 'Em Up Sticks.

Our Soak 'Em Ups are made with real, non-organic cotton

and rayon along with synthetic fibers such as viscose rayon

which is added to increase absorbency.

That's why our sticks can carry more than 20 times

their weight in blood.

Viscose rayon is just a fancy word for wood pulp.

We prepare this pulp for your vagina

by using the disinfectant chlorine dioxide.

This process produces trace amounts of dioxin

which is known to cause reproductive

and developmental impairment.

But don't worry because the FDA says that dioxins

in our absorbent blood sticks exist

at extremely low levels and are hardly detectable.

So keep sticking those chemicals up there ladies.

Hey.

Did you know that in Denmark your period is called

Communist in the Gazebo?

Get it?

Because communists are red, and so is menstrual blood.

Anyway, our competitors may claim that their product

is made by a female gynecologist but not me.

Because I am a man.

Which is why you can trust that I created products designed

to keep your Aunt Flo as discreet as possible.

Heads up.

Look, gals.

The truth is that menstruation is a bodily function just

like pooing or peeing.

Most modern women experience an average

of 450 menstrual cycles and are expected to use

at least 10,000 hygienic blood sticks during the course

of their child bearing lifetime.

So you might as well stop complaining about it

and buy our product.

Hell, we'll even tack on a luxury tax even though you have

to buy this.

I mean you could always just suck it up, right?

Just be sure not to leave our sticks of

blood absorbing fabric shoved up inside of you

for too long.

Otherwise you may run the risk of developing

Toxic Shock Syndrome, or TSS, which is a rare

but life-threatening bacterial infection.

But if you don't want to shove a potentially poisonous

blood rag into your who-ha, we're happy to also offer

new Horton Family Blood Absorbing Diaper Stickers.

Simply take one of our stickers off

of its adhesive backing, apply it to the inside

of your underwear, and allow yourself the luxury

of just simply sitting in a pool of room temperature

liquid all day.

But don't worry we have a luxury tax for that too.

You and your luxurious blood puddle.

So the next time you are riding the crimson wave pick

up a box of The Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak

'Em Up Sticks.

Because they're probably better than wearing nothing.

Crimson wave was a clueless reference.

I'm Roger, by the way.

Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.