I'm 25 years old.

I am the kind of speaker that speaks at a slow pace

and deliberately.

In November of 2011,

I found something on Wikipedia that changed my life.

It was the words "selective mutism."

It is defined as an extreme anxiety disorder.

It validated something I have been struggling with for years.

More precisely,

learning that I had this disorder

motivated me to try to overcome it.

Like me and others who didn't know about this disorder,

it also motivated me to spread awareness.

Selective mutism had a huge impact on my life.

I suffered with this condition from childhood to adolescence

and into adulthood.

Unlike most babies, I was a quiet one.

I didn't make babbling noises,

and I didn't cry for hunger.

My parents enrolled me

in physical, occupational, and speech therapy,

but nothing seemed to make a difference.

I taught myself how to crawl.

I had my favorite toy and blanket across the room,

and it wasn't too much later

that I learned to walk at a very slow pace.

At age two, I still wasn't talking.

If I wanted something, I would grunt and point.

I didn't say a single word

until I was about three or four years old.

I also had a separation anxiety

that left me clinging onto my mom.

She even spoke for me.

By the time I was five, I was a chatterbox.

(Laughter)

I asked a lot of questions

and wouldn't stop to listen to the answers.

(Laughter)

It was like I was starving for social interaction,

because outside of home,

such as school, I remained mute.

My throat closed up, and my lips were sealed shut.

A teacher would ask me a question,

and I stared up at her,

blinking, with watery eyes.

There was this silent awkwardness between us.

There was a lot of pressure on me.

I would look down at my desk

until she told me she would come back to me later

and moved on to the next kid.

Only then did I feel like I could suddenly breathe.

I never understood why I couldn't talk and others could.

My parents and teacher didn't know the reason why either.

The teacher assumed I might be autistic.

My doctor evaluated me for autism,

but he didn't think I was autistic.

I went to play therapy,

but there was the expectation that it didn't go so well.

They thought I was choosing not to speak or listen,

or pretending to act helpless.

I was labeled as "shy".

My anxiety put me behind in my education.

>From kindergarten, all the way to 12th grade,

I had an Individual Educational Plan,

and in it, I was marked down

as having a learning disability.

I always thought, if it wasn't for the anxiety,

I would've done well in school.

I knew that I was very smart.

However, I had to go to special education

to catch up with my peers.

It hurt me, more than it helped me,

because it affected how I felt or see myself.

It lowered my self-esteem.

After I heard from others how shy I was,

I began to believe that shyness was part of my personality,

and I couldn't change it.

The anxiety developed into other problems,

such as a health anxiety, and perfectionism.

I wouldn't raise my hand for fear of being wrong.

As I got older, I also suffered

from agoraphobia, OCD,

and clinical depression.

I figured what I had was beyond shyness.

I wondered what I had been struggling with.

And I waited for somebody to help me,

but nobody bothered.

So my anxiety and depression got worse,

isolating myself from everyone else.

I began to have panic attacks,

and even worse, thoughts of death.

A year ago, I recovered from my darkest days.

I made a commitment to myself that I would not give up.

Selective mutism wasn't a curse but a gift.

I joined Toastmasters.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

It showed me the light and hope for the future.

I stumbled a couple of times,

but I refused to let it pull me back into the dark.

Toastmasters built my strength and confidence.

I became a counselor at the Youth Playhouse Theater.

I enrolled in college.

Since the first day of school,

I've raised my hand nearly every day.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Right now, I am most proud

of having this opportunity,

standing here before you, giving a TEDx talk.

There are new challenges to face,

like becoming a librarian and a bestselling author.

(Laughter)

And I will cross those paths as they come.

What I am learning is that life goes at its own pace,

at its own time, and in its own way.

My life started out very slow,

very unsure, very silent.

What I didn't realize is that for me,

my life was meant to happen in small increments,

unhurried and unrushed.

And in a world that's impatient to move and go,

it's easy to get overlooked,

because there's a lot of tedium and growing at a measured, steady pace.

A flower doesn't flourish overnight.

It doesn't go from bud to blossom in one gigantic burst.

It takes patience, time,

and a whole lot of precious tedium.

The real magic is in the waiting

to unfurl, unfold, and fully bloom

into something magnificently

and beautifully wondrous.

Thank you.

(Cheers) (Applause)