You can't do this to me!

I created "Sing It!"

I birthed it from my vagina, you [bleep]!

Welcome to "Celebration Tonight."

Television is abuzz with the drama surrounding "Sing It!"

the longest-running television singing competition.

For as long as we can remember,

the world has been captivated

watching unknown singers achieve their dreams.

♪ Baa baa, black sheep ♪

♪ Have you any wool? ♪

♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪

You're out.

Ohh.

Kind of liked him.

And now longtime executive producer Bradley Datner

has suddenly exited the show in what the network

is calling a mutually amicable parting of the ways.

'Cause this is gonna [bleep] you up!

"Sing it"? More like "Suck It!"

Did you get my dick on camera? [bleep]!

Rumor has it longtime executive producer

Stacey Needles is poised to take the helm.

The show's fate will lie in the hands

of whoever takes over this once hit series.

Hi, Megan.

Which look do you like better?

Thanks, Stacey!

Can you sign this so I can learn to forge your signature?

That was Brad's way of doing things because he got too lazy.

I want to read everything before my name goes on it,

except birthday cards. Feel free to forge those.

Thanks, Stacey.

Yo, man, I don't think so.

[contestant singing]

Hey.

♪ ...no sound ♪

♪ No one hears the silent tears... ♪

How old is this one again?

16.

Think we've found this season's soprano jailbait.

What's her deal?

Loves her parents, Jesus,

captain of her softball team.

Ucch. Vanilla. We need to pimp her story.

Get the writers on it stat.

You always have a plan, Stace.

Don't drop my "Y."

♪ So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, I am ready to be free ♪

[singing in Korean]

What is with those gloves?

Oh, she never takes them off.

Must be a Chinese good luck thing.

I'm Korean.

Must be a Korean good luck thing.

Well, good luck tonight.

Mm-hmm. Konnichiwa.

♪ Gee, gee, gee, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Gee, gee, gee, baby, baby, baby ♪

Big day for you, Stacey.

I got you a little congrats gift.

Thank you.

It's from my product line that's in beta.

I'd really like your feedback.

Okay.

Out.

Okay.

Oh, remember,

Troy loves you.

Peww peww peww peww.

Peww.

Peww.

[sighs]

The years paid off.

Hello, hello!

I have a big announcement.

Stacey...

I would like you to meet Drew Davies.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Do you work with Marcy at the network?

No.

Is this the bike messenger

you've been hooking up with?

Oh, no.

Do you want to tell me who it is

so we can get to the big news?

Actually, I am the big news.

I'm the new executive producer of "Sing It!"

That's my big announcement.

Boom! Captured. [laughs]

Welcome to "Sing It's" Arab Spring,

the day "Sing It!" became relevant again.

[mouths words]

Oh, wait. You're not smiling.

Let's do that again.

Yeah.

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪

What the balls, Marcy?! I've been busting my ass,

and then you step on my throat in your Prada boats?

[gasps] Do you love 'em?

I couldn't decide between brown or black, so I got 'em both.

Marcy, I haven't left this building in years.

I have missed birthdays, anniversaries,

my mother's funeral.

I haven't had a guy inside me that I remotely like

since before Obama was in office,

and that includes when he was a senator.

I'm sorry about your mom and your vagina.

Who is this guy?

Drew made that documentary piece

about how "Sing It!" is ruining the music industry.

Does he have any TV experience?

Experience is overrated,

and I can tell you that from experience.

So no show-running background?

Well, he graduated from film school at NYU,

and he was almost nominated for an Oscar

for his documentary "The Day After Yesterday."

That's today.

Oh, my God. I just got that.

He is so deep.

Okay, um, how could you hire someone

with no TV experience to take over my show?

Stacey, have you even seen his documentary on "Sing It"?

It's on my Netflix queue

of things never to watch.

I am in the goddamn trenches

on the goddamn floor every goddamn night.

I don't have time to pee,

let alone watch someone criticize my show.

I know a guy who can hypnotize you to only pee on the weekends.

That's it. I quit. I'm out.

Stacey! Stacey, Stacey, stay right where you are.

Listen. Drew is good for our P.R.

[scoffs]

Respected music snob disses show,

claims he can fix it.

Network gives him the opportunity.

If the show becomes a beast again,

Drew has a notch in his belt, and he heads off to make more documentaries,

and then we hire you for 70% of his salary.

If it's a disaster, we fire him.

Then you take over at 60% of his salary.

So either way, I take over.

At 50% of his salary.

And just so you know,

this did not come from me. It came from the higher-ups.

They wanted to shake things up, so...

Okay, Drew, Stacey is going to show you the ropes

and give you your tour.

For the record, Drew,

the folks up top did not want a big shake-up.

I fought hard for you.

Whoever was in here before

had a lot of "Sing It! mementoes.

Pretty maudlin, right?

Let's get this tour over with so I can get back to work.

Oh.

Who's this handsome fella?

Troy Blue, Meet Drew Davies.

The Drew Davies,

as in "'Sing It!' is cancer to music,

but could be cured," Drew Davies?

I have a noose in my office with your name on it.

He's our new executive producer.

The Drew Davies?

[laughs]

As in the brilliant filmmaker?

Oh, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what I meant was--

is--is--is--is--is-- is that I have a noose-paper

in-in my office with your name on it,

so you can just swing on by and--

Ooh, is that your special lady?

Yep, that's my Nina, four years strong.

She's in Sierra Leone.

She's working with Doctors Without Borders,

curing Ebola patients.

Ohh! And I just shook your hand.

I haven't seen her in six months.

Ohh! And I just shook your hand?

Nah, I'm just messing with you.

[whispers] I masturbate, too.

Well, as the irreplaceable face of "Sing It!"

I present to you

this basket of expensive lotions

as a welcome gift,

so enjoy the pineapple.

It's from México.

Okay, so this is grunt city,

P.A.s, researchers, assistants.

Got it. Gonna meet and greet.

Great.

Hey, boss.

As your new assistant,

I brought you a coffee as a peace offering.

Well, you're gonna want to give it to Genius Bar over there.

He's your new boss.

I know.

Troy already tweeted it.

I just wanted to make you say it.

Drew, meet Luke Crane, your new assistant.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Oh.

Paralysis is cool.

Spinal-cord injuries are cool.

What, you're gonna go meet up

with your hipster buddies tonight,

brag about what a generous guy you are while you eat

your artisanal street tacos, aren't you?

So openhearted.

Hmm.

You know, I didn't realize

that my initial response to somebody in a wheelchair

being my personal assistant was to placate

and pretend like it wasn't a concern.

That was false of me.

I strive for better.

I look forward to working with you, Luke.

Sweet. That's sweet.

This is home away from home.

Stacey, here's that audition highlight reel

you were asking for.

Great.

[singing poorly] ♪ Girl ♪

♪ I'm afraid to tell you ♪

♪ That I want you, baby ♪

[half-singing] ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

♪ Of thee, I sing ♪

♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what ♪

...you are.

How is this a highlight reel?

These people are abysmal.

The audience loves it.

That's why we pay them to suck.

You do what?

We hire actors to be bad.

Sorry, abysmal.

You're in charge, and you don't know

the most obvious thing about reality television?

Well, I know it needs to stop.

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪

♪ In the treetop... ♪

Anyway, this is typically where we watch the show from.

No, no, no, no.

There are too many barriers.

This control room

gets between us and the singers.

The overblown production

gets between the singers and the audience.

We need to tear down those barriers

if we want the viewers

to connect to the music.

Or we could just go to everyone's house and sing to them.

Well, if the ratings get any lower,

we might actually have to do that.

WOMAN: I don't give a rat's ass about excuses!

We have a day to make, people!

Do you hear me?!

Even though we all hate the new douche-bag E.P.,

you need to get it together for the show tonight!

First impressions matter!

[cheerful] Okay, lunch.

Enjoy your meal, guys. Work hard, relax hard.

Oh, Stacey. Sorry. I'll get back to work.

Uh, hold on.

Someone I want you to meet.

I'm the new douche bag

that everybody already hates.