the audio on this might sound a little distorted

because I was actually screaming so much

I blew out the mic.

I'm sure you'll take that as a good sign.

Enjoy!

Okay, so I've seen a lot of Disney sequels this year

and I've hated a lot of them but for some reason

some strange reason, Mulan II

I hate the most.

Now that's not saying it's the worst.

It's not the worst animated, it's not the worst story

The third Beauty and the Beast probably has that distinction.

But something about this one just rubbed me so the wrong way

and got me legitimately angry.

Which is so strange because the first Mulan I didn't even get THAT into.

I mean, I liked it, I thought it was fine. It had some good moments and stuff.

But something about this one just made me appreciate it all the more

when I see what it could've been.

How awful it could've turned out.

Mulan is back home training a bunch of kids how to be little warrior princesses

when her boyfriend drops by and proposes.

She of courses says "Yes" but this looks like bad news for Mushu

not voiced thank God by Eddie Murphy this time but a, much more unfunny Eddie Murphy impersonator

who's going to lose his job because he no longer has to look after Mulan.

So, it's up to him to try and split the couple apart.

Yeeeeaaaaah, doesn't that make him incredibly likeable?

But come on, this is the sequel to Mulan, this girl that went in and defeated this army

surely some action's gotta be in here.

Well, the emperor of China sees that the Huns are about to attack

Okay! Here we go! Now we're gonna get some good sword fighting!

He calls in Mulan and what does he have her do?

Escort these three princesses to be married.

Yeah, because, a marriage will unite these two kingdoms and thus they can fight the Huns together.

Well, wait, that's it?

That's really it??

I mean, don't get me wrong, the movie makes it very clear early on that it isn't just about fighting and violence

it's about the, center and peace and tranquility of the mind but...

Really? This is the plot?

Of course they bring in the comic relief from the last film and they're gonna fall in love with them

there's gonna be this whole thing about "Oh should they marry or should they not?"

You know "choose your heart" all that blah blah blah.

But, here's the thing:

It isn't like being forced to marry just cause you're forced to marry cause of tradition

The future of China relies on this!

That throws in a completely different element.

But Mulan doesn't care! Oh she just wants her girlfriends to be happy!

EEEEEEEEEE!

But to make things worse, Mushu is constantly trying to split up the main couple throughout the entire movie

And I mean, the ENTIRE movie!

He suddenly becomes the most despicable, unlikeable character in the world!

And what makes it even worse is, that it kind of works!

The boyfriend just goes off on Mulan in this really uncomfortable animation

By God, what the hell is he even doing?

Mulan at some point through some bullshit realizes that it wasn't true and she's gonna fall in love with him again and marry him but

Then HE disappears! So she thinks now she has to marry one of these princes to unite the two kingdoms.

The climax?

Every dumb ass romantic comedy you've ever seen.

Where the bride is gonna marry the person she doesn't want to marry

and the guy has to come in, confess his love

and some sort of dumb comedic ASS happens!

I'm just gonna warn ya, I'm gonna get into spoiler territory here but I'm sorry this is really important to talk about.

So, Mushu tries to make everything better by telling them that they don't have to marry.

Well...Okay.

The three princesses marry the men they want, Mulan marries the boyfriend but...

What about China?

They're doomed!

There's no alliance! The Huns are going to attack!

China is officially destroyed because of this!

But...

At least they're marrying for true love! Ooo!

It's never addressed what happens after this!

I wouldn't make that big a deal out of it. I know: Direct-to-Disney sequel - haha! But...

THEY make a big deal out of it!

They keep talking over and over why they can't get married, how

thousands will die if they don't join this union!

And... in the end I guess they just let thousands die!

It's...

It's really awful!

There's only one good song in the whole thing and it's the first song

all the others are either hand-me-downs or repeats.

Yeah! They just repeat half the songs!

"Girl Worth Fighting For" comes back, that'll save from having to write another paycheck!

The animation, while smooth and colorful, also kind of looks out of place.

Mulan in the original had a pretty good range of emotion, but here all the animation is kinda done like they're comic relief.

They're TOO expressive. They're TOO rubbery.

Which, like I said, makes for some really awkward scenes when the boyfriend has to yell at her.

[noise of disgust] That's disturbing!

I don't know what it is, because like I said, I didn't get super into the first film

but something about this was just SO insulting and SO demeaning.

The choices were just SO bad

and maybe the fact that they did put in this really good animation just made the insult greater.

If it had the animation of, say, "Tarzan and Jane" or one of these TV pilots

I'd forgive it a little bit more.

But you know that they put in a lot of effort

like, yes, this is the script. This is gonna be Mulan II.

This is gonna be what everyone is gonna get behind.

I don't know, it just really friggin' irked me.

And all the characters are unlikeable

and generic

and bland

and not interesting

or stupid

or just mean-spirited!

I can't believe what an asshole Mushu is!

And the boyfriend!

And Mulan for letting the entire... everything of China die because "follow your heart"

which is, like: "Oh my god, what is wrong with this movie?!"

It is a mess.

It is awful.

It just got under my skin I hated it so much!

Like I said, I can't say it's officially the worst

there's definitely been worse Disney sequels

but this one so far, I've hated the most.

It sucks. It REALLY sucks.

If I ever had a kid and they wanted to see this, I'd say no!

I'd just show them the first Mulan again

*sigh* I don't even know what to say about it.

Just skip it!

Don't check it out!

If you really love the movie Mulan or even just think it's okay like I do

Avoid this at all cost!

The only thing it did is that it made me appreciate the first one a lot more.

So I guess I'll give it that.

But for everything else, this movie can friggin' blow me!