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  • "And the world needs us

  • to continue to serve as powerful models of prosperous and compassionate societies,

  • that is the Canadian way and the Australian way."

  • This is Rap News. Happy new era, and welcome.

  • Despite our best efforts; from oil spills to nuclear meltdowns;

  • the human empire washortins not successful in bringing about the apocalypse in 2012.

  • But don't lose faith: we may yet be able to make it happen.

  • In today's expose we're aiming to establish

  • where the best progress is being made in shattering

  • what's left of humanity's relationship with this planet.

  • And what better place to commence with than Australia,

  • where after two hundred years of invasion

  • we can finally assess the results of civilisation.

  • Here's colonial correspondent Ken Oathcarn. Are you there, Ken ?

  • - Ken Oathcarn, Robbo, and Happy Straya Day yeah?

  • - Hi Ken, how's Australia helping to end the world this year?

  • - Never fear, Straya has a multi-faceted

  • total strategy to bring global calamity so rapidly

  • this planet won't know what hit it, take a look:

  • We've got the worst polluting power station in the world: Hazelwood.

  • We're ravaging this chick Kimberly, straight smackin' her teeth

  • and carving channels through the Great Barrier Reef.

  • - Good grief! - mate, we're on fire!

  • So intense that we've had to add two new shades to the temperature spectrum!

  • And soon we'll have five more shades to add

  • as finally we unlock the gates of hell with coal seam gas mining!

  • - Australia is doing fine then, now let's examine

  • another capital of the civilised world whose per capita

  • progress towards causing apocalypse is admirable

  • we cross live to our correspondent in Canada.

  • Are you on camera, Fagin Heighbard? - Fagin Heighbard!

  • I'm on the Athabasca Oil Sands. Tell you what:

  • some call this land the Tar Sands, but for sure,

  • us Canucks, we refer to it as "MORDOR"

  • - So can Canada help end life on Earth permanently?

  • - We've got the largest industrial project in history

  • the biggest contributor to our extinction today,

  • and Canada gets to display the badge of distinction, eh!

  • We took a pristine area about the size of Britain

  • and smashed the boreal forest to get the barrels of bitumen.

  • Forget the pyramids, our toxic waste is visible from outer space

  • where we'll go when earth is uninhabitable for the human race

  • - Err... that's... great - Woah woah hold it there mate:

  • We've got the largest industrial project on Earth's face

  • - My Gahd, the fuck is that, bub?

  • - That, 'bub', is our very own version of the Tar Sands standing up.

  • You Cunt-nadians think you mine hard

  • but get a load of Jabba the Hutt, aka Gina Rhinehardt

  • - You're gonna need to try harder. You want offensive? Try Harper:

  • He tweeted bacon during the hunger strike of a tribal Elder

  • - Speaking of Elders, I see they are Idle No More,

  • rising in a cause that's provoked a global tide of support

  • for an end to this wanton ecocide and for

  • Canada to abide by the treaties it signed before

  • - What, you signed treaties with your natives? mate!

  • - Yeah, but them treaties don't mean nothin' to us, ay

  • - So Canada, like Australia, is founded on stolen wealth and land?

  • - Ah, you mean the Commonwealth! - Ah, you mean the Commonwealth!

  • - Look, man, it's true we've invaded and taken the land away

  • But the natives weren't even using it anyway

  • - Sounds like fair game! - Fuggin rights, eh!

  • They barely scratched the terrain; we've got all this to our name

  • - in just a few hundred years since you arrived as colonists

  • both your nations per capita have provided astonishing

  • progress toward wholesale final apocalypse.

  • Share your secret? How did you guys accomplish this?

  • - Be civilised - Like you're above, not part of, everything

  • - And whatever you do, don't learn your past history.

  • - Wage war on mother Earth - The War on Terra!

  • - You gotta give'er all the way - or someone else'll get her

  • - And none of this I assume is sustainable, is it?

  • - Pffft! What do you think we are... indigenous?

  • - But if you're not "indigenous", doesn't this mean that you're not... from Earth?

  • - Fagin Heighbard! - Ken Oathcarn! - Sing with us!

  • Whoa ohhh, I'm Australian, an illegal alien

  • A Stray Alien in Melbourne

  • I'm Canadian, an illegal alien

  • A Canadian in Edmonton

  • I drink Hortons and my two fours, eh

  • plan some pipelines we can lay

  • never think of long-term future when I talk

  • A Canadian in Edmonton

  • Whoa ohhh, we are aliens, we're illegal Aliens

  • The invaders of planet Earth

  • ****!

  • Congratulations to you both on your dominance.

  • All others, please don't take offence: while they might top the list,

  • ALL of us are doing our best to ignite the Apocalypse.

  • Well, we're out of time, so our final thought is this:

  • Why are some of us now being called "non-indigenous"?

  • it's fitting, I guess, for a population that wants to mimic

  • this meme of invading aliens from Hollywood picture flicks,

  • who kill the natives and ravage the planet of all its riches quick.

  • To survive, some say we need to heed Indigenous people.

  • Perhaps what we also need is to be indigenous, people.

  • Do we belong to planet Earth or to an alien invasion?

  • A decision that might define our human fate.

  • Good evening

"And the world needs us

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テラ島での戦争 カナダ対オーストラリア【RAP NEWS 17 (The War on Terra - Canada vs Australia [RAP NEWS 17])

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    阿多賓 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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