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  • - I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

  • FIRST QUESTION IS, HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE TO GO SHOPPING?

  • DO YOU LIKE TO SHOP?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • AND--OH, I'M NOT SENDING YOU ANYWHERE.

  • DON'T GET--

  • [laughter]

  • NEXT QUESTION IS, HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE TO DRINK?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • AH.

  • HOW MANY OF YOU ALREADY STARTED DRINKING EARLIER TODAY?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

  • WELL, HERE'S GOOD NEWS: NOW YOU CAN DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

  • HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? THERE'S A TREND NOW.

  • THERE'S STORES LIKE NORDSTROM AND URBAN OUTFITTERS

  • AND BROOKS BROTHERS,

  • THEY'RE PUTTING BARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR STORES.

  • YES.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • WHAT TOOK SO LONG FOR THAT TO HAPPEN?

  • THAT'S REALLY A GREAT IDEA,

  • THAT YOU CAN DRINK AND SHOP AT THE SAME TIME.

  • BUT SOME STORES ARE TAKING IT TOO FAR.

  • I WALKED INTO THIS STORE LAST WEEK,

  • AND THERE WERE, LIKE, HALF-NAKED WOMEN STANDING AT THE DOOR

  • AND IMMEDIATELY OFFERED ME A SHOT,

  • AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS CRAZY!"

  • AND THEY WERE LIKE, "THIS IS HOOTERS!"

  • AND I WAS LIKE, "OH.

  • UH-OH. WRONG STORE."

  • I THOUGHT IT WAS A CUTE OWL STORE.

  • I WAS GOING IN TO BUY SOME OWL STUFF.

  • ON THE OTHER HAND, IT COULD BE A GOOD IDEA.

  • YOU REALLY--LET'S BE HONEST. IS IT REALLY SMART?

  • I MEAN, YOU'RE TRYING ON SKINNY JEANS AND BATHING SUITS--

  • I MEAN, YOU HAVE A FEW SHOTS OF TEQUILA IN YOU,

  • AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ANYMORE.

  • "AH, THIS LOOKS GOOD."

  • SHOPPING CAN BE STRESSFUL.

  • THERE'S THAT FLUORESCENT LIGHTING.

  • IT MAKES YOU LOOK SAD.

  • CONSTANTLY HAVING DEBBIE OR LUCY

  • OR WHATEVER THE SALES LADY'S NAME IS

  • BRING YOU THE RIGHT SIZE.

  • "NO, ONE SIZE UP, I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW.

  • ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY THE TWO SIZES UP THEN."

  • THEN YOU HAVE TO FIND THE GOOD MIRROR.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, 'CAUSE...

  • THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR BUTT LOOK MORE KARDASHIANIST

  • OR SOMETHING.

  • THEN YOU ONCE YOU FINALLY FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE,

  • YOU NOTICE IT LOOKS BETTER ON THE MANNEQUIN,

  • AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY DOES THAT LOOK BETTER ON THE MANNEQUIN?"

  • YOU KNOW WHY?

  • 'CAUSE THEIR ARMS DON'T BEND

  • SO THEY CAN'T SHOVEL CINNABUNS INTO THEIR MOUTH LIKE...

  • THAT'S WHY.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I'M TELLING YOU.

  • ONCE THEY START MAKING MANNEQUINS WITH ARMS THAT BEND,

  • THEY'RE GONNA GET FAT, THOSE MANNEQUINS.

  • ANYWAY, THERE ARE ALSO PLENTY OF REASONS

  • WHY DRUNK SHOPPING COULD BE BAD.

  • THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

  • HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MADE GOOD DECISIONS WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK?

  • YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP TEXTING YOUR EX.

  • YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP CUTTING YOUR OWN BANGS.

  • YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP WITH THINGS THAT ARE PERMANENT--

  • A BABY.

  • SO WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA END UP BUYING

  • IF YOU'RE TIPSY?

  • ONE TIME I HAD A DRINK AND I WENT TO COSTCO,

  • AND I BOUGHT A PILLOW THAT I THOUGHT

  • WAS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING I EVER PUT MY HEAD ON.

  • I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING. IT WAS A SNOW TIRE.

  • I HAD BOUGHT--

  • IN MY BED, A GIANT SNOW TIRE WITH CHAINS AND...

  • OH.

  • I DON'T KNOW ABOUT DRUNK SHOPPING.

  • THERE'S ONE THING THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO DO AFTER A FEW DRINKS.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

  • YEAH.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • HOW DARE YOU?

  • I'M TALKING ABOUT DANCING.

- I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

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A2 初級

ドランクショッピング (Drunk Shopping)

  • 907 63
    陳亦庭 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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