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  • MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to the second episode

  • of Critical Role, where a bunch of us

  • crazy voice actor, nerdy types sit here

  • and play Dungeons and Dragons.

  • We'll be continuing from last week's adventure,

  • so in the meantime, let's go ahead and show you some

  • of the character backstory.

  • TRAVIS: Right, listen up.

  • If you have ale, then you have a friend in Grog Strongjaw.

  • A goliath of towering height and size,

  • this barbarian has an appetite for the two great loves

  • in his life: combat, women, and ale.

  • (record scratching)

  • Wait.

  • Easily the brains of the group, Grog is often

  • consulted for his vast knowledge of shapes, colors,

  • and shiny things.

  • Also ale.

  • In his early years, armed with his two-handed greataxe,

  • Grog oft enjoyed proving his might amongst the ranks

  • of his family's wandering herd,

  • but after coming upon an unsuspecting elderly gnome

  • in the woods, he objected to the killing

  • of such an innocent life.

  • A creature of impulse, Grog felt only pity for this,

  • (chuckles) this terrified little thing.

  • His disobedience cost him dearly.

  • Beaten bloody and banished by the herd leader,

  • his uncle Kevdak, Grog was abandoned and left to die.

  • Exiled from his herd, it was then that the relative

  • of the very gnome he fought to save, saved him.

  • It was the kindness of a gnome cleric named Pike

  • that healed Grog, bringing him back from death's edge.

  • And they have remained close friends ever since.

  • Most nights, Grog can be found challenging entire taverns

  • to wrestling matches, ha!

  • Or accompanying Scanlan to the nearest house

  • where you pay for lady favors, huh.

  • Also ale.

  • MARISHA: A first impression of Keyleth

  • would leave you with little information

  • on the half-elven druid.

  • You might even think that her social awkwardness

  • due to her sheltered upbringing is kind of sweet.

  • Of course, it would be unwise to underestimate her

  • based on first impressions.

  • (lightning roaring)

  • Under that unintimidating, petite frame

  • is a vicious beast waiting to be unleashed

  • whose natural powers have made even the fiercest

  • of champions pee their pants, literally. (giggles)

  • Born to the air tribe of the Ashari people,

  • Keyleth was raised with a deep love of nature

  • and the elemental magics.

  • It is her people's inherent duty

  • to protect the delicate areas in Tal'Dorei,

  • where the four elemental planes begins to bleed

  • with this realm.

  • Since she was a little girl, she had quite a knack

  • for air manipulation and beastshaping abilities.

  • Well, if you consider kittens and flying squirrels

  • to be little beasts,

  • which I do.

  • (clears throat)

  • Anyways, it wasn't long before the headmaster of the tribe,

  • her father, Kohren, realized her true prodigious abilities

  • and she was inveterated to succeed him

  • as the next headmaster.

  • Just like that, her jovial childhood was stripped

  • and replaced with endless spell memorization,

  • teachings from ancient traditions,

  • and exceedingly high expectations.

  • Every druid leader-to-be must embark on a journey

  • to seek out the sister tribes in order to introduce

  • and establish respect amongst the fellow headmasters.

  • They call this the Aramente, or Noble Odyssey.

  • When her father felt she was ready, he set her on the path

  • to truly discovering herself.

  • Not knowing when, or if, she will ever return.

  • As she hikes down the mountain towards Stillben,

  • she meditated on the task ahead.

  • Part of the Aramente is proving yourself a strong warrior,

  • a valiant protector, and a wise and compassionate leader.

  • With this knowledge, one thought plays in repeat

  • in her mind:

  • Is she even worthy?

  • TALIESIN: Percy was the third child

  • of seven children, born to a noble family

  • who lived far to the north

  • in the ancient castle of Whitestone.

  • With so many siblings to share the burdens of lordship,

  • Percy turned his attention

  • to the sciences, engineering, and naturalism.

  • One day, a mysterious couple named Lord and Lady Briarwood

  • came to court.

  • During a feast held in their honour, the Briarwoods

  • violently took control of the castle, killing

  • or imprisoning everyone who would stand in their way.

  • Percy awoke chained in the dungeon, only to be freed

  • by his younger sister.

  • Together they fled, chased by the Briarwoods' men.

  • As they ran, Percy's sister took several arrows

  • to the chest and fell.

  • Percy kept running, eventually jumping into a freezing river

  • and floating unconscious to freedom.

  • He did not remember waking up on a fishing boat.

  • He barely remembered the next two years,

  • as he slowly made his way as far south as possible.

  • Then one night, Percy had a dream.

  • A roaring cloud of smoke offered him vengeance

  • against those who destroyed his family.

  • When he awoke, Percy began to design his first gun.

  • (gun clicking)

  • (explosion roaring)

  • SAM: Oh, you haven't heard

  • of Scanlan Shorthalt?

  • Well, gird your loins, ladies,

  • because he has his eye on you.

  • A talented musician, master of disguise,

  • and dashingly handsome in his own mind,

  • Scanlan sings songs almost as much

  • as he sings his own praises.

  • Born a poor gnome, Scanlan used his endless charm

  • and soaring tenor voice to croon for coin

  • and support his single mother.

  • One day he was discovered by a half-orc promoter,

  • and joined Dr. Dranzel's Spectacular Traveling Troupe,

  • where he learned the ways of the world,

  • and honed his skills as a bard extraordinaire.

  • A loner much of his life, Scanlan has never quite

  • come to terms with the violent death of his mother

  • at the hands of a goblin invasion.

  • While his years on the road provided many, shall we say,

  • educational experiences with the opposite sex,

  • deep down Scanlan yearns for the one thing

  • he's never known, the true love of a fellow gnome.

  • Still, Scanlan considers himself a lover first,

  • performer second, and fighter distant third.

  • On the battlefield, he'll support his allies,

  • but rarely draws blood unless it's

  • to protect fellow gnome, Pike.

  • Count on Scanlan for a hearty laugh, a rollicking song,

  • and a twinkle in his eye that melts hearts

  • and makes the females swoon.

  • ORION: Greetings and salutations.

  • I am Tiberius Stormwind.

  • I hail from a town called Ty'rex,

  • located in the heart of Draconia,

  • from a politically respected family.

  • At the age of 15, I succeeded

  • in passing the Sorcerer's Rite,

  • showing prodigy-like control of my magic.

  • The judges and the Draconian high council were amazed

  • at how powerful my spells were

  • for how long I had been training.

  • At 20 years old, I was the youngest appointed member

  • of the magic guild in Draconian history.

  • For the next few years, I almost went mad

  • from the malaise of being a guild member,

  • as it's rather boring.

  • However, one day I happened upon a chamber,

  • unused for quite some time.

  • In the room were stacks of books and maps

  • of the surrounding cities and areas around the known world.

  • For months I would frequent the chamber,

  • and learned of artifacts from legend.

  • After a long period of research, I made a list of artifacts

  • that caught my eye.

  • I brought these findings to the high council

  • and was told that all of the information in the chamber

  • I stumbled upon was either believed to be fiction,

  • or unsolvable mysteries, and hence were lost forever.

  • I found those answers to be unacceptable.

  • A year later I devised a ruse and managed

  • to convince the city council to lend support

  • in me leaving Draconia on a mission of peace and diplomacy

  • for the surrounding kingdoms.

  • Going from town to town and making friends and allies,

  • in and for the name of Draconia.

  • Being a red dragonborn, I had quite the task on my hands

  • in that respect, but it was exactly what I needed,

  • so I could explore the world and find these artifacts,

  • as I felt the truth was out there.

  • Some may describe me as buffoonish,

  • but I say poppycock to all that. (mutters)

  • I am much sharper than most give me credit for.

  • I just don't pay attention to things sometimes.

  • I've also been known to be rather cunning, loyal,

  • happy-go-lucky, and well, dangerous.

  • I can't help but show my true scales every now and then.

  • But overall, I think I'm quite friendly for a dragonborn.

  • LIAM: Never entirely welcome in the company

  • of elves or men, Vax'ildan learned at a young age

  • to skip past formality, preferring instead

  • to invite himself in your door.

  • Along with twin sister Vex'ahlia, Vax was born

  • by a chance encounter between elven royalty

  • and human peasantry.

  • Raised by their mother in their early years,

  • the twins were eventually sent off to their father

  • in the elven capital of Syngorn.

  • But their cool reception among the elves there never warmed,

  • and their time in the capital didn't last.

  • The siblings stole away one autumn night

  • and set out on the open road.

  • After a few years of wandering, they eventually decided

  • to return to their mother, and journeyed back

  • to the lands of their youth.

  • But instead of finding their childhood home,

  • they returned to a pile of rubble.

  • Their mother was gone, their home burned to ash.

  • Pressing the townspeople for answers,

  • they learned of the day the dragon came.

  • (loud roaring)

  • With their ties all severed, Vax'ildan and his sister

  • set out to find their fortune together in Tal'Dorei.

  • An outsider since birth, Vax quickly learned

  • to solve life's challenges in his own particular way,

  • often by sidestepping them entirely.

  • And when his knack for circumventing adversity isn't enough,

  • (sword slicing)

  • the way of blades the elves schooled him in

  • more than makes up the difference.

  • LAURA: Like so many half-elves, Vex'ahlia

  • has spent most of her life suffering the cool reception

  • of a people who don't fully accept her.

  • Born of a human mother and an elven father,

  • who only later in life took an interest in their existence,

  • Vex'ahlia and her twin brother Vax'ildan

  • quickly realized the only people they could truly rely on

  • in this world were each other.

  • It was at the age of ten when the two were taken

  • from their mother, and brought to live in Syngorn,

  • the isolated elven city for which their father

  • was an ambassador.

  • He quietly took them in, but always kept an icy distance,

  • and after too many years of disdainful looks,

  • the pair decided to leave his indifference behind,

  • and set out on their own.

  • Vax took to the cities, stealing small trinkets

  • and learning the ways of the thief,

  • while Vex kept to the woods.

  • She preferred the isolation.

  • Always the keen observer, she learned to hunt and to track,

  • to spy and to shoot.

  • And through a series of fateful events,

  • earned herself a companion in the form of a bear,

  • her own stolen trinket,

  • (bear growling)

  • to fight alongside her

  • and protect her fiercely.

  • Also, he is adorable and gives expert massages.

  • Welcome back everyone.

  • So, know that you're a little more affiliated

  • with the characters, let's get this party started.

  • So as a head's up, I wanna let you know,

  • once again, we're waiting for the charity elements

  • of this stream to open up again, since the big charity

  • that happened a couple weeks ago.

  • Once we do, we're gonna be taking donations,

  • half to go to help run the channel,

  • the other to donate to 826.

  • Marisha will explain that here in just a second.

  • As a head's up, Ashley, who plays our cleric, Pike,

  • unfortunately couldn't make it again this week,

  • because she's busy filming amazing stuff

  • with her career being amazing.

  • But she says she's sad she can't be here.

  • She loves you guys,

  • and as soon as Pike can re-enter the campaign,

  • hopefully in a couple weeks,

  • all awesome gnomeness shall double.

  • So also tonight, there was a goal to try

  • and hit 1000 subscribers on the channel.

  • So what we're gonna do is, we only have 130 people

  • to subscribe tonight.

  • If we can get all 130 before the show ends this evening,

  • we're gonna do a random selection

  • of a person within those thousand subscribers

  • to win a copy of the Player's Handbook signed by all of us,

  • as well as a really, really cool image

  • that was tweeted out earlier by Geek & Sundry,

  • also signed by all of us.

  • So, go ahead and pull your friends,

  • see if we can get some more subscribers

  • before the show's out tonight, so

  • hopefully that'll be fun.

  • So, Marisha, if you wanna go ahead and explain a little bit

  • about the charity 826 we'll be plugging in the near future.

  • Yes, 826 LA is a non-profit charity organization

  • that helps kids though the age of six to 18

  • with their creative and structural writing skills,

  • and they also help teachers and yeah.

  • Good artsy creative things.

  • So donate, and definitely visit the Time Travel Mart.

  • SAM: Wait, can we donate?

  • MATT: Tonight we can't donate here.

  • MARISHA: We can't donate tonight yet?

  • MATT: It's not available yet.

  • Start saving your money.

  • SAM: Not yet.

  • MARISHA: But you can still go to the Time Travel Mart in Echo Park

  • and you can also go to their website, 826LA,

  • and I'm sure you can donate through there

  • if you want to do that.

  • MATT: Yes, but we'll be getting that going in the near future.

  • So, anyway.

  • Let's go ahead and do a little recap

  • of what happened last week.

  • So the party has been hired by their friend,

  • Arcanist Allura Vysoren, in the city of Emon

  • to head towards the dwarven town of Kraghammer,

  • as a good friend of hers, and one of the members

  • of the Council of Tal'Dorei, has gone missing.

  • This, being a halfling paladin, named Lady Kima of Vord,

  • who was on a vision quest as part of a pilgrimage

  • and was drawn towards some dark evil

  • she said was manifesting somewhere deep beneath Kraghammer

  • and hadn't been heard from since.

  • So the party was sent there to go ahead and seek her.

  • Upon arriving in Kraghammer, shenanigans ensued.

  • They made some friends, made some enemies,

  • wandered the town.

  • Brother, sisters, walked around as if they were married.

  • LAURA: No!

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Bears almost got into fights in rings.

  • And eventually the party made their way

  • towards the bottom ring of Kraghammer proper,

  • talking to Lord Nostoc Greyspine, who is--

  • ORION: That's right, Greyspine.

  • MATT: Yes, Greyspine indeed.

  • Who is the head of the Greyspine Mines

  • at the bottom of Kraghammer,

  • where supposedly this paladin disappeared to.

  • After having a conversation with him,

  • a bunch of goblins and ogres began to spring from the mines

  • and attacking the workers.

  • The party swooped down to aid, realized that the goblins

  • and ogre's weren't attacking, they were fleeing

  • from something else,

  • of which emerging from within the mines proper

  • some strange naga-based hydra-ish abomination.

  • The party then proceeded to slaughter it,

  • final blow dealt by Scanlan via lightning bolt.

  • SAM: Hi, Scanlan here, hi.

  • MATT: Our resident gnome bard.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, you did!

  • MATT: And that's where we pick up.

  • So, as all of you are still riding the adrenaline

  • of the battle, Scanlan feeling the tingling in his fingers

  • as the little bolts of arcane energy kind of

  • (imitates electricity crackling) spark throughout,

  • the rest of the nearby workers and miners

  • slowly converge in and begin to

  • walk up to the party.

  • And someone starts, "That was great, that was well done!

  • "Fantastic!

  • "Where'd you learn that?"

  • One of them comes up there, "Ah, I could've done

  • "better than that."

  • And they start just shouting off at each other

  • and pat each other on the back.

  • A few moments of this progresses before,

  • all of a sudden, there's a hush comes about the crowd,

  • and you see about five or six Carvers

  • pull their way through,

  • Carvers being the guards of Kraghammer,

  • with Lord Nostoc Greyspine himself stepping through.

  • He looks at the rest of the group and goes,

  • "All right, so you've certainly proven yourselves in battle."

  • ORION: Well, of course we have.

  • I'm sorry.

  • MATT: "I would like to continue this conversation

  • that we had back in my office if you don't mind."

  • He turns around and begins to walk back.

  • MARISHA: Oh wait, Nostoc.

  • He's not even listening, he's just walking off.

  • (group laughs)

  • Yeah, mmm.

  • Ooh, shall we turn and follow?

  • LAURA: Are you still an eagle?

  • Can you even talk to him?

  • TALIESIN: Shouldn't you just go caw?

  • MARISHA: Well I'm not an eagle.

  • But I am still poisoned.

  • LAURA: Oh, I can help you.

  • MARISHA: Oh, that'd be great.

  • LAURA: Yeah!

  • LAURA: Hold on, I'm gonna go up, and I'm gonna cast--

  • SAM: Cast?

  • Yeah, I can cast spells.

  • SAM: You can cast?

  • LAURA: I can. I've got plenty o' spells.

  • LIAM: You can kill?

  • SAM: All right, fair enough.

  • LAURA: I'm gonna cast Protection from Poison on Keyleth.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • Essentially go ahead and make a saving throw with advantage.

  • This'll be Constitution.

  • MARISHA: I made the second one.

  • MATT: What'd you roll?

  • MARISHA: A 10.

  • Plus my constitution which is two, three, thirteen.

  • MATT: So thirteen?

  • MARISHA: Yes.

  • MATT: That'd be enough.

  • So, after you finish casting the spell,

  • you feel the poison leave the rest of your body.

  • You can kind of take a breath to yourself.

  • The rest of the miners kind of look about and

  • Awkwardly staring back at Nostoc as he walks off,

  • kind of looking back like, what

  • "Are you gonna go?

  • "Talk to him?"

  • SAM: Yeah, I guess we should go follow him.

  • TALIESIN: We have two very important questions.

  • GROG: Can't we look in the hole a little bit more.

  • ORION: No Grog, we need to go do this.

  • LAURA: We're gonna go in the hole in just a minute, Grog.

  • ORION: Then you can smash, you'll be fine.

  • TRAVIS: You promise?

  • LIAM: You did that last night.

  • We need to take care of business.

  • Let's go talk to the man.

  • I'm sure it's going to lead back to the mines.

  • MARISHA: To the hole.

  • LIAM: Yes, to the hole.

  • Everything's back to the hole.

  • SAM: Percy, do you have something to say before we go?

  • TALIESIN: Well, this is good.

  • We have to find out what that was,

  • and we have to see if he'll finally give us

  • some of that ale,

  • I think are the two most important things.

  • LAURA: It was wine, I believe.

  • SAM: No, it was bloody, bloody beer.

  • LAURA: Bloodline. Bloody wine, blood wine.

  • TRAVIS: Bloodier, ale. Beerwine.

  • MATT: It was delicious is what it was.

  • TRAVIS: It was really good.

  • LAURA: Let's go talk to Nostoc.

  • SAM: Let's follow him, let's follow him.

  • TALIESIN: Okay, this is what's important.

  • MATT: All right, so as you head back to the ramp that heads up

  • from the mine enclosure itself to the top of the realm,

  • which is where the Greyspine Industries mining facility is,

  • you are brought into the building again,

  • brought back to Nostoc's office,

  • in which he's not sitting,

  • he's kind of pacing behind his desk,

  • waiting for you as you approach.

  • As you enter the room, he stops pacing, turns around,

  • puts his hand on the desk, and says,

  • Please, enter and close the doors behind you.

  • (loud thud)

  • ORION: Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door like that.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: "A flatulent dragonborn, eh?"

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: "All right."

  • So as you close the - (laughs)

  • Tiberius.

  • (Orion clears throat comically)

  • SAM: Sir Greyspine.

  • Lord Greyspine?

  • Mr. Greyspine?

  • MATT: "Lord Greyspine is fine."

  • SAM: Lord Greyspine, yes.

  • Why have you summoned us here?

  • Is it to tell us information about what just came out

  • of your mine, I hope.

  • MATT: "Well let's be clear."

  • "We dwarves don't need help from outsiders.

  • "We can handle our own business just fine."

  • LAURA: Of course.

  • MARISHA: Speaking of outsiders, you wouldn't happen

  • to have seen a Lady Kima, would you?

  • MATT: "As what the discussion was based on previously,

  • "you're searching for her, and last we saw her,

  • She went down into the mine."

  • LAURA: We already talked about that, Keyleth.

  • TRAVIS: Yep, we did.

  • LIAM: They don't like her, she was a troublemaker

  • and she went in.

  • TRAVIS: You're an eagle.

  • LAURA: She's in the mine.

  • We'll go in and find her.

  • Right?

  • Lord Greyspine?

  • MATT: "You're welcome to.

  • "As far as I know, she's down there somewhere.

  • "Hopefully still in one piece."

  • LAURA: While we're there, would you like us to take care

  • of any other problems?

  • MATT: "Getting to that.

  • "You see these small intrusions have been bad

  • "for meeting our quotas with the Bronzegrip metal warehouse

  • "and export shipments.

  • "Employees have been forced to

  • "collapse a non-negotiable portion of our tunnels

  • "to prevent incursions like this.

  • "Without my approval.

  • "And this is a pattern I wish to stop at once.

  • "Thus, I have a proposition for you.

  • "Now, I will give you free reign to our mines.

  • "I shall get the proper approvals to make sure no Carvers

  • "bother you as you wander the city's lower ring.

  • "And I will contract you to delve past our tunnels

  • "and investigate the source of these creatures,

  • "where they come from, where they live,

  • "and if there is some sort of a leader

  • "who gives them their commands.

  • "Eliminate them.

  • "For this, I will reward you with not a trifle sum.

  • "25,000 gold pieces.

  • "Plus 250 gold per beast scalp you provide upon returning."

  • LAURA: Ooh, I like this.

  • ORION: Grog, this seems like a wonderful job, doesn't it?

  • SAM: Money is wonderful.

  • We like money.

  • But we've been charged to find Lady Kima.

  • We need assurances that we will find her

  • or at least some evidence of her in the mines.

  • MATT: "The brazen halfling bitch went in there

  • "without my approval and wandered into the mines,

  • "not to be seen.

  • "So if she is down there, I hope she's in one piece.

  • "I can't guarantee it.

  • "But if there's any place to find her, that's probably it."

  • LIAM: We're the group of adventurers for you.

  • I don't know if you've heard

  • of the heroes Emon, who just recently-

  • I'm sure you've heard something.

  • Word travels fast.

  • MATT: "Not beneath this mountain, it doesn't,

  • of human closers."

  • LIAM: We've just done a lot of good to the ruler of Emon.

  • MATT: "Great.

  • How does that help us dwarves?"

  • ORION: We're saying we are going to help you, too.

  • And everything will be fine, and we'll all be happy.

  • LAURA: Well, we've discovered, in our past adventures, however,

  • is that every realm

  • seems to be having trouble with the same sort of creatures,

  • coming up from the Underdark perhaps?

  • LIAM: All we're saying is, help us help you.

  • What exactly have you seen before this day?

  • More of the same? Or other creatures?

  • MATT: He sits back for a second.

  • "The types of creatures, I do not know.

  • "I mostly deal with the business

  • "and just know that there's some bullshite going on

  • "down in the mines.

  • "You could ask our foreman, Hieris.

  • "He's dealt with the cleanup each time

  • "we've had an incursion like this,

  • "so if anyone has information on what these creatures are,

  • "he'd be the one to talk to."

  • LIAM: Sorry, what was his name again?

  • MATT, SAM, LAURA: Hieris.

  • MATT: "He's a foreman at the mine proper."

  • LAURA: All right.

  • TALIESIN: I think this seems like the sort of job we'd want to take.

  • LAURA, ORION: Yes.

  • TRAVIS: Will we get paid for the monsters and creatures

  • we've already slayed?

  • MATT: "This deal was not sewn in yet, so no."

  • TRAVIS: Oh.

  • MATT: "But we thank you for your aid."

  • PERCY: It is customary in our culture to seal a deal

  • with a drink.

  • TALIESIN: As I think you are all aware.

  • LAURA: Truly, truly.

  • LIAM: See, I wasn't just fucking with you last week.

  • (group laughs)

  • That's a thing we do.

  • TALIESIN: And since we are about to risk our lives...

  • TRAVIS: I forgot you did that.

  • MATT: Make a persuasion roll.

  • TALIESIN: Yes! Happily.

  • TRAVIS: Roll good, it's the first one.

  • LIAM: Come on, Percy!

  • TALIESIN: 14.

  • LAURA: Oh.

  • SAM: It's pretty good.

  • Not great.

  • MATT: You can see this long, distant, angry, dwarven,

  • mistrusting stare.

  • Rubs his chin, his well-kept, blackened beard and goes,

  • "Huh, but a sip, as it was a gift."

  • LAURA: Yes!

  • SAM: (laughs) We'll take it.

  • He pulls the ale barrel which you guys provided,

  • sets it on the side of his desk with the same spigot

  • that you had placed in when you presented it earlier

  • and says, "Take a bit."

  • "A bit."

  • LAURA: (whispering) Put some in a bottle.

  • ORION: We have to save some for those guards.

  • LIAM: Let me take care of it.

  • I'll pour everyone a glass.

  • LIAM: Oh, thank you, brother.

  • I take my empty water flask that I emptied out before,

  • and am smiling and pouring glasses

  • and also squirting a little bit here and there as I want.

  • I start to just play a little ditty on the flute.

  • I thought we could accompany our sip with a little bit

  • of music, not to distract you, just to--

  • (group laughs)

  • just to sort of accompany us.

  • MATT: His nose squints at the sound.

  • (SAM imitates a jaunty flute)

  • MATT: "Gnomish tunes aren't to my ears and liking."

  • However, you do get an inspiration dice.

  • LAURA: Yay.

  • MATT: All right, so go ahead and make a - (laughs)

  • Make a sleight of hand check on this.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • That's what we do, right?

  • LAURA: Roll well.

  • Here we go.

  • LAURA AND LIAM: Oh, no.

  • SAM: You have inspiration dice.

  • TALIESIN: Inspiration dice are d8?

  • MATT: Yep, you add a d8 to it as well.

  • LIAM: Okay, and I can add a d8 to this?

  • MATT: Correct.

  • TALIESIN: The ale is that good.

  • LIAM: Oh good.

  • Now I'm at 19.

  • (Travis groans in relief)

  • Hey.

  • MATT: As he's listening to the gnomish music

  • and kind of pushing it away with his hands, like,

  • "Stop, I don't- no.

  • "I appreciate it, but I don't."

  • SAM: All right, there's not accounting for taste.

  • MATT: As you do that, your wineskin goes to full.

  • (imitates liquid sloshing)

  • Swollen to its brim.

  • You switch over to one of the cups,

  • you pass around the drinks.

  • All of you manage to get your drinks passed around.

  • LAURA: Huzzah!

  • MATT: "To a contract!"

  • TRAVIS: Aye! Huzzah!

  • TALIESIN: To a contract.

  • MARISHA: Contracts.

  • SAM: L'chaim!

  • MARISHA: Love contracts.

  • LIAM: Is that Draconian?

  • SAM: It's Gnomish.

  • TALIESIN: To risking our lives. For money.

  • LAURA: How old is Nostoc?

  • Just out of curiosity.

  • MATT: It's hard to tell.

  • Dwarves live quite a long time.

  • He would be equivalent to like a human forties.

  • Dwarven time, somewhere in his mid-hundreds.

  • MARISHA: Smells like its been in the barrel for a hundred years.

  • ORION: It has been.

  • LAURA: This is excellent.

  • LIAM: Tastes like two buck Chuck.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: Oh, I know him from Quimdendale.

  • TRAVIS: What do you know of a Ballsac up in the tavern?

  • MATT: "I'm sorry, what?"

  • TRAVIS: Do I have that right?

  • LAURA: Ball, ball -

  • MARISHA: Balgus.

  • GROUP: Balgus.

  • MATT: "Ah, Balgus, that's the brand of what you brought me."

  • SAM: You know what, I think we asked about him last time.

  • LAURA: I think we did.

  • ORION: Also, may we take a short rest

  • before we leave this facility?

  • MARISHA: Yes, could we do that?

  • Is this considered a short rest?

  • LAURA: Oh yeah, that actually would be good.

  • MATT: If you'd like to do that,

  • that would just be taking a short rest outside,

  • probably not in the office proper.

  • LAURA: Understandable.

  • MATT: You can leave and just sit down

  • and get some rest.

  • LAURA: When we take a rest, can I look for Hieris?

  • MATT: You can as well.

  • So, while you guys are taking a short rest,

  • you're able to use any of your hit dice

  • to heal up naturally.

  • TRAVIS: We don't naturally heal up?

  • MATT: That is your natural healing.

  • Not to full.

  • It's a continuation, Grog.

  • SAM: I will sing a song of rest.

  • And it goes a little something like,

  • Scanlan make you feel good

  • Scanlan make you feel real good

  • ORION: Oh, I feel so good.

  • SAM: No wait, you get an extra d6 on all your heals.

  • TRAVIS: I appreciate the slow jam.

  • MATT: Yeah, on every hit dice, you get an extra d6.

  • TRAVIS: R. Kelly would agree.

  • (Matt laughs)

  • LAURA: I didn't take any hit points.

  • I'm at full health.

  • MATT: So you got a slow jam just for the sake of the slow jam.

  • LAURA: That's right. And it was great.

  • MATT: All right, roll an investigate check.

  • ORION: It feels good. Real good.

  • LAURA: Okay.

  • Oh, 25.

  • MATT: A brief discussion with a few

  • of the other wandering dwarf miners that are

  • in the outskirts of the buildings' facilities.

  • Eventually it leads you over to what is a small,

  • secondary building maybe 200 yards off

  • from the main property.

  • That apparently is where Hieris resides

  • and keeps watch over the entire establishment.

  • LIAM: I've tagged along.

  • LAURA: Knock knock knock.

  • MATT: All right, the rest of you going with her?

  • SAM: Yeah, we'll go with her.

  • MATT: Why not! Why split the party?

  • So the the group makes their way over

  • to the outskirts of the building.

  • Opens up and a very nice, portly looking dwarf

  • with a big tuft of a chinstrap beard.

  • Big reddish, ruddy nose.

  • Leather apron on.

  • And he opens the door.

  • "Aye, hello!

  • Nice to meet you.

  • What can I do for ye?"

  • LAURA: Hi. You must be Hieris?

  • MATT: "I am, I am.

  • Foreman of this here fine mine."

  • LAURA: Wonderful to meet you.

  • I've heard wonderful things about you.

  • MATT: "Oh, have you! From who?"

  • LAURA: Uh, from Lord Greyspine himself.

  • MATT: "Really? Oh. All right.

  • "Well, how can I be of service?"

  • LAURA: We were curious.

  • I'm sure you witnessed all of those wonderful goblins

  • and trolls and other nonsense coming out of the mine.

  • MATT: "Aye. Nasty lot. It always makes my weeks

  • "that much more interesting."

  • LAURA: Weeks? So this has been happening for quite a while?

  • MATT: "Unfortunately, at least five or six."

  • LAURA: And what kind of monsters have you been dealing with?

  • MATT: "Terrible kinds."

  • He starts rubbing his chin for a little and goes,

  • "We generally deal with the occasional goblin den

  • "we stumble across when opening new tunnels.

  • "That's part of the norm.

  • "Other nasty underground beasties.

  • "However, over this past few weeks,

  • "we've seen some real nightmarish things slither

  • "out of the shadows.

  • "Many goblins stitched together,

  • "like some kind of ball of screaming green lint.

  • SAM: Ooh, god.

  • MATT: "Slimes and oozes that would mutate

  • "and change color rapidly before seeming to dissolve

  • "on their own.

  • "Unstable-looking really, in their form."

  • SAM: Like a goblin centipede?

  • (Laura, Liam, Travis laugh)

  • MATT: "If you will, aye aye."

  • ORION: Sounds more like some type of necromancy magic.

  • MATT: "Perhaps, but they're not undead, per se.

  • "They're still alive.

  • "At least from what we can tell.

  • "Whatever agony face them in their physical form.

  • ORION: Oh, that's even worse.

  • MATT: "We even had one brief run-in with what looked

  • "like a duergar that had swollen and sprouted eyes

  • "and mouths all across his body. That was a sight."

  • SAM: What's a duergar?

  • LIAM: That's a dark dwarf.

  • They're little fuckers, those are.

  • MATT: "Aye, duergar."

  • And he spits to the side.

  • "Filthy lost souls.

  • "Dwarves of old that turned to a darker god.

  • "Thankfully, they live far beneath the mountains,

  • "and usually far north enough to not worry about it.

  • "But one of them found its way up here,

  • "in this strange, awful, maw-covered form.

  • "It was terrifying.

  • "And the smell!

  • "Oh ho ho!

  • "Anyway, we've even seen a few creatures from the surface

  • "that normally aren't found down here as well,

  • "which is strange.

  • "They don't wander down.

  • "Something's bringing them.

  • "Weirdest thing."

  • "Oh! And I just heard we had some weird,

  • many-headed serpent thing that just got killed down there.

  • LAURA: Oh, we just killed one of those.

  • MATT: "That was you!"

  • LAURA: Yes!

  • TRAVIS: Our hero is right over here.

  • SAM: (clears throat) Hi.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: And he steps onto his back leg, shifting his weight,

  • and cocks an awkward eyebrow.

  • "Really?"

  • SAM: I'm really strong for my age.

  • ORION: We were all surprised.

  • TALIESIN: We're as surprised as anybody.

  • TRAVIS: Fearsome Scanlan.

  • SAM: Actually, Hieris, I have a question for you.

  • You know the mines very well, yes?

  • MATT: "Aye, I do."

  • SAM: Far from asking you to draw us a map,

  • are there any tunnels or directions that we should avoid

  • or particularly head towards?

  • Anything that we should look for in terms

  • of traps or tricks?

  • MATT: "Not within our mines.

  • "They're usually well-guarded. Or, they were."

  • ORION: Also, do you have a map?

  • MATT: "Of the mines?

  • "Yeah, I do."

  • ORION: Wonderful.

  • MATT: He starts going through his notes here.

  • ORION: I'll take that.

  • SAM: That's where we're going, right?

  • TRAVIS: We're goin' in the hole.

  • MATT: It's kinda haphazardly scrawled across a piece

  • of parchment, but he hands it over to you.

  • MATT: And he says, "So that's the front part of the mines.

  • "Unfortunately, half of our tunnels have been

  • "relinquished to close off some of these beasties

  • "coming through, so we're gonna have to recarve portions

  • "of the mine as we progress forward.

  • "Kind of starting at square one best we can.

  • "But that at least is what we're currently working with.

  • "There is a subterranean level as well.

  • "We have an elevator inside

  • "that brings the various mine carts to and from."

  • LAURA: Is there a particular area on that map

  • that most of the baddies seem to be coming from?

  • MATT: "No, we've closed it off each time."

  • LAURA: Just kind of everywhere?

  • MATT: "Oh no, we've had a few tunnels they've come through,

  • "but we've managed to collapse those

  • "and make sure they're not coming through again.

  • LIAM: And we noticed the, I believed it was the naga we fought,

  • it seemed to have several extra heads stitched on.

  • Have you no knowledge of these creatures?

  • It seems very odd.

  • Is there any connection in dwarven history or past?

  • Or this is totally out of the blue?

  • MATT: "No no, not to my knowledge, at least.

  • "I mean, most beasts we find are in one piece,

  • "not several together.

  • "It's a bit disturbing to be honest.

  • "I told my nephew about it and he was crying for hours."

  • LAURA and MARISHA: Oh.

  • ORION: (laughs)

  • TRAVIS: Do any of the beasts go back into them?

  • MATT: "Oh no, we've killed them as they come out each time."

  • Right, they don't take anything back.

  • MATT: "Not from what I've seen, no."

  • MARISHA: Hieris, do you know if there's any other entrances

  • into the mine?

  • Any old secret tunnels, something that someone

  • could be using to get in?

  • MATT: "Not to the mine, this is all proprietary.

  • "This is the business we run, so we don't have any internal

  • "or secret entrances.

  • "That would leave us open to a sort of a thief

  • to come in and steal our mithril."

  • LIAM: And what's security like on the mine?

  • Is there any chance someone could've slipped in

  • through Kraghammer without you knowing,

  • or is that all locked up?

  • MATT: "Oh, I highly doubt that, not with

  • "the way our carvers are trained."

  • LIAM: Understood, understood.

  • LAURA: They are quite--

  • MATT: "That's what I'm talking about.

  • LAURA: Yeah.

  • MATT: "Fine dwarven study."

  • TRAVIS: Before we go--

  • LAURA: Strong ale.

  • MATT: "Finest of military classes, aye.

  • "Proud of 'em."

  • TRAVIS: What do you use for the--

  • MATT: "I had a cousin who was once a carver.

  • "Raised him there.

  • "His whole family brought him up on that side.

  • "Military weapon training every day.

  • "Couldn't come out and play with the rest of us.

  • "I felt bad for him.

  • "But he grew up to be a right nasty dwarf, aye."

  • LIAM: You say had.

  • LAURA: Where is he now?

  • MATT: "Unfortunately, he was slain in one of the incursions.

  • "That duergar I was telling you about.

  • "But, such is the nature of the fighter, I suppose."

  • LAURA: A damn shame.

  • I'm so sorry.

  • MATT: "I appreciate that.

  • "To be honest, he was kind of a bastard, but um--

  • "don't miss him too much.

  • "But I appreciate the thought.

  • "That's very kind of you."

  • SAM: We won't avenge him then.

  • MATT: "I mean, still avenge him."

  • LIAM: Literally or figuratively?

  • MATT: "I'm not sure.

  • TRAVIS: He had parents.

  • MATT: "He had parents.

  • "We were related somewhat.

  • "I'm not gonna say too closely."

  • LAURA: Can I ask a question?

  • MATT: "Ah, yes."

  • LAURA: Not to you, to the other guy, Matt.

  • MATT: Ah, yes.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Yes, Laura?

  • LAURA: When we take a rest, do we get our spells back

  • for the day?

  • MATT: Not a short rest.

  • It has to be a long rest.

  • LAURA: All right, cool.

  • TALIESIN: Which is why we're gonna take a proper nap.

  • LAURA: We're gonna take a real nap?

  • TALIESIN: I think we should go buy some potions and take a nap.

  • LIAM: I think so.

  • LAURA: All right, this could be really bad.

  • I mean, we're about to put the dungeons

  • in Dungeons and Dragons.

  • TRAVIS: Let's go get drunk and go to sleep then.

  • LAURA: All right.

  • MATT: There you go.

  • TALIESIN: And stock up on some potions.

  • Hieris, you've been so helpful.

  • MATT: "Of course, I'm happy to."

  • MARISHA: One last question.

  • MATT: "It doesn't have to be last.

  • "You're welcome to stay as long as you like.

  • I don't get visitors to often up here in my booth."

  • MARISHA: You should come drink with us at the tavern.

  • MATT: "Oh well, I have to stay here.

  • "Work, at least for the next six hours."

  • LIAM: All night, do you get off in six more hours?

  • MATT: "Aye.

  • "But I have some dried fruits.

  • "I've got some meats inside.

  • "I've got two chairs and you could fit in my lap,"

  • and he kind of pats you on the head.

  • SAM: I've killed.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: "Right."

  • ORION: This one needs a whore, sorry.

  • (Sam grunts)

  • MATT: "Fair enough."

  • Also, apparently my mic's a bit loud.

  • If you can turn it down a bit for you guys.

  • LIAM: What's a mic?

  • MATT: "Forget that, you heard nothing.

  • "It's a strange echo in the caverns of Kraghammer. Anyway--"

  • TRAVIS: Look at the time.

  • LAURA: We have to go.

  • We'll come see you again, Hieris.

  • MATT: "Of course, anytime.

  • "When we're not busy.

  • "But when I'm not busy, you're welcome to come by."

  • ORION: All right.

  • MARISHA: Oh, that'd be nice.

  • LIAM: Tell you what, when we drag our asses out of that mine,

  • we'll come straight to you and buy you a drink.

  • LAURA: And we'll have some of that dried fruit.

  • TRAVIS: We're lying, right?

  • MATT: "Oh, I'll save a batch for you, you half-elf lass."

  • LAURA: All right.

  • LIAM: Do the wink thing you do.

  • LAURA: I did, I already did.

  • LIAM: Oh, you did it already.

  • She's good at winking.

  • MATT: "I saw, it was a good wink.

  • "Aye. Made me tingle in my shoulders."

  • GROG: Just your shoulders?

  • MATT: "That might be the diabetes, but--"

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: "But mostly the wink, I think."

  • TRAVIS: Good.

  • MARISHA: Oh, we should get him something other than dried fruit.

  • That's not good for diabetes.

  • TRAVIS: Back to the tavern.

  • TALIESIN: At least it means he's regular.

  • TRAVIS: Or did you have something?

  • SAM: No, we're good.

  • Back to the tavern.

  • We go back to the Iron Hearth Tavern, right?

  • Is that what it's called?

  • MATT: For those who are asking, that's West Country, is the accent.

  • LAURA: Yes.

  • MATT: Cornwall.

  • LAURA: What time is it?

  • Should we buy potions now?

  • TRAVIS: If we're underground--

  • LAURA: Oh, is everything open?

  • MATT: As far as you guys know, it's somewhere

  • in the neighborhood of sunsettish afternoon.

  • LAURA: Are the stores still open?

  • TRAVIS: It's summer.

  • MATT: You can certainly check.

  • SAM: It's like La Vegas, it's always twilight.

  • TRAVIS:: There you go.

  • ORION: If you all don't mind, I suggest we item up a bit,

  • and before we get too late,

  • and we get too drunk, Grog,

  • go back to that lightning -- main-- manor-- lightning cage.

  • LAURA: Oh, that place.

  • MATT: House Thunderbrand?

  • ORION: House Thunderbrand.

  • (Matt laughs)

  • TRAVIS: Where do we item up?

  • Do we get potions and stuff somewhere?

  • LAURA: Yeah, that's what we're looking for.

  • LIAM: When you say too drunk, do you mean "we" the adventurers

  • or the humans back in Los Angeles?

  • ORION: Both parties.

  • Cross-plane.

  • MARISHA: Cross-Realm.

  • ORION: And I tell them what happened, again.

  • SAM: What happened?

  • ORION: Well, I went to this door because--

  • SAM: Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.

  • MATT: You later rested, shot arcane magic

  • at the home of arcane magic in Kraghammer.

  • ORION: And if we are to go down into this cave,

  • perhaps they have some insight into what's going on

  • there as well.

  • Especially at this point in.

  • LAURA: Let's hurry and try to get them before they go to sleep.

  • MARISHA: Maybe they have magical items.

  • I want stuff.

  • ORION: And I priorly had luck with more than--

  • TRAVIS: Like plant stuff or potion stuff?

  • MARISHA: All stuff.

  • LIAM: Have you had any luck finding an arcane--

  • LAURA: That's what we're talking about.

  • LIAM: No, I know that.

  • Did you send any fireballs at doors again

  • like you've done in the past, or--?

  • ORION: Yes, I knocked, as I do often do.

  • And nothing doing.

  • LAURA: All right.

  • LIAM: Got it.

  • TRAVIS: So, magic stuffs.

  • LAURA: Let's go find them.

  • TALIESIN: All right.

  • MARISHA: So wait-- it seems like they really

  • don't want you in their door.

  • It seems very heavily guarded.

  • So what's our plan, we just going to try again?

  • LAURA: Well it was nighttime before.

  • Maybe they'll be more--

  • SAM: We're gonna do what we always do: wing it.

  • TALIESIN: We're gonna try it again,

  • except we're gonna watch this time.

  • It'll be fun.

  • MATT: There you go.

  • MARISHA: Let's do it.

  • LIAM: I walk back to the door, because we're all

  • just standing outside the door.

  • MATT: Correct.

  • LIAM: I walk back to Hieris's door and knock on it

  • and poke my head in.

  • Hieris, I'm sorry.

  • MATT: You catch him with a handful of dried fruit,

  • "Hmph!

  • "Hi!"

  • LIAM: Just a quick question.

  • We have no fucking idea what time it is.

  • Because we usually use the sun.

  • Do you know what hour it is?

  • Are businesses open at the moment?

  • MATT: He reaches over and grabs this

  • really awesomely intricate piece of clockwork on his desk.

  • It's this brass, cylindrical piece that as he pulls out

  • you hear this (tongue clicking), fring!

  • And springs and things making strange whirring sounds.

  • "Oh, I reckon it's about two hours from sunset."

  • ORION: Oh, very good.

  • LIAM: Are the stores open at the moment?

  • TRAVIS: Better question.

  • MATT: "As far as I know, aye.

  • "Depending on the store."

  • LIAM: How much time do we have left?

  • MATT: "Few hours."

  • LIAM: Oh, thank you, sir.

  • MATT: "You sure you don't want to stay?"

  • LIAM: Let's go shopping.

  • TRAVIS: Thank you, Hieris thank you. Oh, gotta go, sorry.

  • MATT: "Goodbye."

  • MARISHA: It's the mine that never sleeps.

  • MATT: "Good luck."

  • LIAM: Byeee!

  • MATT: You hear the door open behind you, and he starts waving

  • at you guys.

  • "Stay safe!"

  • TALIESIN: Stay regular.

  • MARISHA: Eat some veggies!

  • Fruit's bad for the diabetes!

  • TRAVIS: Oh, I put my head back in the door,

  • and I throw him a turkey leg and a beef jerky stick.

  • I gotta get rid of this stuff.

  • It's been in here for years.

  • TALIESIN: The fact that you just checked your inventory

  • for that worries me.

  • TRAVIS: We gotta lotta shit in this bag.

  • MATT: The bag of holding, not so much a freezer.

  • TRAVIS: I didn't say it was good.

  • I just want it out.

  • MARISHA: And then you just throw it at him?

  • MATT: The mildly rotted turkey leg (imitates moist impact)

  • across the floor.

  • The remainder of what was once meat, now a slush

  • sloughing off the bone as it slams across the stone floor.

  • TRAVIS: It's really tender.

  • LIAM: You're a goliath, you'll eat anything.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, those are the best parts.

  • MATT: You see he immediately steps back

  • and his face squints back.

  • MARISHA: That's not polite, Grog.

  • TRAVIS: I gave him a turkey leg.

  • MATT: "It's the thought that counts."

  • As he closes his door.

  • ORION: Hold, hold on.

  • Before he does that, I cast prestidigitation,

  • and I clean it up real quick.

  • MATT: Okay, that's really kind of you.

  • ORION: And I hand him a parchment and go,

  • if there's anything wrong, just write the message on this,

  • and we'll come help.

  • If there's any emergency.

  • And I hand him a parchment from the Scroll of Telescription

  • that I made.

  • MATT: "All right. Thank you kindly."

  • LAURA: How many pages is that scroll?

  • Is it endless?

  • ORION: I made like 15 tickets right now.

  • And it takes me an hour to craft.

  • MATT: He takes it from you with trepidation.

  • You can see he probably hasn't encountered dragonborn often,

  • and he's like, "Thanks."

  • ORION: Remember, dragonborn, we're good.

  • MATT: "Right."

  • ORION: So long.

  • And I leave.

  • MATT: "Thank ye."

  • Closes the door.

  • LAURA: Do you want to go with him to the enchanting place

  • or do you wanna go somewhere else?

  • LIAM: I think I will go with him just to keep him

  • from setting fire to the entire city.

  • LAURA: All right, shall we all go to the manor?

  • TALIESIN: We have time, we might as well.

  • ORION: Are we iteming up first?

  • TALIESIN: I figure we do that after.

  • LAURA: I think we'll do that.

  • MARISHA: I'm gonna go ahead and turn into a squirrel

  • and hide in your pocket.

  • LAURA: I like it.

  • MARISHA: Okay.

  • LAURA: Ugh, Grog.

  • TRAVIS: What, it was a burp!

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Technically in character.

  • TRAVIS: Much worse from the other end, I guarantee.

  • SAM: Okay, so we're going to House Thunderbeards?

  • Thunderbirds?

  • MATT: You guys head to the House Thunderbrand.

  • SAM: Brand.

  • MATT: All right.

  • So, Tiberius leads you to where it's residing.

  • Once again you come upon

  • what looks like a very out of place,

  • very well-kept green lawn that stretches for a good 60 feet

  • before you see this really beautiful-looking

  • alabaster and gold building,

  • slightly domed with these four towers to each corner,

  • with these blue pointed crystals on top

  • of each tower.

  • LIAM: How does the grass grow down here?

  • LAURA: Can we see any traps or glyphs that are active?

  • MATT: He points out to you as you approach,

  • there are a series of stone sigils carved into the stonework

  • that surrounds the exterior of the lawn.

  • ORION: Those things!

  • LAURA: Can we look around and see if there's any way to,

  • a bell to ring that's outside of that area.

  • MATT: Go ahead and make a perception check.

  • TALIESIN: Can I assist on that?

  • LAURA: Yeah, please do, 'cause I rolled a one.

  • One, baby.

  • TALIESIN: It's a 10.

  • LAURA: I failed it hard, I failed it.

  • TALIESIN: If you rolled a one, there's nothing I can do anyway.

  • MATT: What'd you roll?

  • LIAM: We ain't found shit.

  • TRAVIS: She rolled a one.

  • MATT: Rolled a one naturally?

  • LAURA: I did.

  • MATT: Best you can tell, stonework's pretty solid.

  • LAURA: Cool!

  • Hey, it's a house.

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • MATT: There are dwarves around. No.

  • TRAVIS: Good.

  • MATT: As you look about, it's hard to tell the nature.

  • This looks just like a lawn

  • with a well-framed stone exterior.

  • LAURA: Cool.

  • MATT: But there's no fence.

  • There's nothing keeping you from walking

  • into the lawn and towards the building.

  • MARISHA: Can I do a nature check to see what light source

  • is making all this grass grow,

  • or if it's like magical growing?

  • MATT: No nature check required.

  • There is no light source, other than the green rocks

  • that generally permeate the interior of Kraghammer

  • to give its kind of strange luminescent atmosphere.

  • This kind of dull red glow that's around the entire city.

  • Other than a couple of sparks of lantern light.

  • There's no light source.

  • SAM: I wonder what Keyleth is doing.

  • She's squeaking an awful lot.

  • (Marisha imitates squirrel)

  • LAURA: Oh that's right, she's in my pocket.

  • Hi!

  • TRAVIS: So we just walk up and--

  • LAURA: Can I pet her little head.

  • ORION: No, I don't suggest that, Grog.

  • I shoot firebolt.

  • MATT: I forgot that wasn't water. (coughs)

  • TALIESIN: Did you actually try to walk up?

  • LIAM: Is there a front door?

  • TALIESIN: Perhaps you should, before you do anything. Just try and walk up.

  • MATT: From what you can see,

  • There appears to be a large, almost like beachwood,

  • Light wood double door in the front of the compound.

  • LAURA: Grog's gonna go.

  • LIAM: I'm gonna use my rogue abilities to walk up

  • to the front door, and knock on it.

  • ORION: Great.

  • LAURA: Sorry Grog.

  • TRAVIS: I have one job. To take damage.

  • LIAM: Can I see if I detect a bell?

  • MARISHA: Is that a talent you picked, is that a feat?

  • MATT: So, you walk towards the grass.

  • You step onto the walkway that leads

  • towards the front of the building.

  • As soon as you cross into the threshold

  • where those stone sigils are,

  • you make a dexterity saving throw.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • LAURA: Oh no.

  • Roll well, my brother.

  • LIAM: This is really not good for their business.

  • [LIAM and LAURA groan]

  • (group laughs)

  • LIAM: 12.

  • MATT: 12.

  • LAURA: Oh no.

  • MATT: So, as you pull your cloak around you and take a few steps

  • to jaunt upwards, suddenly there's, you guys hear it.

  • The strange (tongue clicking) sound,

  • and a poof, poof of arcane blue energy kind of,

  • just pulses around his feet.

  • You instinctively begin to pull back, but as you do,

  • there's a blast of blue electric energy

  • that (imitates explosion),

  • streaks out from all around you, shocking your body

  • and throwing you about 15 feet back,

  • straight onto your shoulders.

  • You (imitates grinding) skid to a halt (imitates thud).

  • LIAM: Which one of these do I roll for damage?

  • TRAVIS: Electrified sound effect.

  • MATT: You take...

  • LIAM: Higigigigi!

  • MATT: 14 points of lightning damage.

  • LIAM: All right.

  • ORION: This is as I'm paused telling him not to do that.

  • MATT: Yes.

  • ORION: Don't!

  • TRAVIS: Should've let me go.

  • MATT: Your muscles eventually relax.

  • ORION: As I was about to say, that was going to happen.

  • TRAVIS: We have a flying carpet.

  • LAURA: Hey, we have a flying carpet!

  • We have a flying carpet.

  • ORION: Let me try one thing that I didn't think to do last time.

  • I'm gonna cast Dispel Magic on the runestone.

  • LIAM: Don't tase me, bro.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • Go ahead and--

  • TRAVIS: It's really not that bad.

  • MATT: Let's see.

  • LAURA: Pull it out.

  • TRAVIS: What?

  • LAURA: Pull out the flying--

  • MARISHA: Phrasing.

  • SAM: Going for the handbook.

  • MATT: Yeah, so we know what's going on.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, the magic carpet, hold on.

  • SAM: Guys, don't forget to subscribe to Geek and Sundry.

  • LAURA: Oh yeah!

  • ORION: Oh, and I cast it at my fourth level slot.

  • TRAVIS: You wanna fly it up to the door?

  • MARISHA: What are you casting?

  • ORION: Dispel magic.

  • MATT: All right, make an arcana check.

  • LAURA: It can't carry you, you're too heavy.

  • TRAVIS: I said you, not me.

  • LAURA: Oh, gimme that flying carpet.

  • TRAVIS: That's what I said.

  • ORION: 13.

  • MATT: 13?

  • ORION: Yeah.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • As you concentrate and these kind of shimmering bands

  • of arcane energy wave off your hands toward the enchantment,

  • they impact and dissipate without effect.

  • ORION: Are they fourth level or higher?

  • MATT: They seem to be.

  • ORION: Fuck.

  • LAURA: I hop on the flying carpet.

  • MATT: Okay, so you pull the flying carpet, Mary Poppins-style,

  • out of the bag of holding. (imitates soft thud)

  • LAURA: Yes. And see if I can fly up and over to the door.

  • TRAVIS: Do you wanna tie a rope around your waist

  • in case it goes bad?

  • ORION: It's a flying magical carpet.

  • LAURA: Somebody.

  • Oh.

  • Is that bad?

  • Is that a bad idea?

  • TRAVIS: No, do it.

  • ORION: It's a flying magical carpet.

  • SAM: What could go wrong?

  • MARISHA: I think you'll just, like, hit a wall.

  • LAURA: What if the flying carpet gets ruined?

  • SAM: Let's not do that then.

  • TRAVIS: Oh my God, really?

  • LIAM: It's not gonna be ruined.

  • MARISHA: Wait, wait, wait, I'm in squirrel form.

  • So I go out.

  • LAURA: Oh, and you're with me.

  • Let's both fly to the door.

  • LIAM: I have nine healing potions--

  • SAM: Hey, hold on, hold on.

  • TRAVIS: What what, you turned invisible

  • and walked inside a house last time.

  • SAM: Yeah, I can do whatever we want.

  • Do you want me to knock on the door,

  • is that what we're trying to do?

  • LAURA: Oh yeah, use your--

  • SAM: Okay, so yes.

  • I send an unseen servant to knock on the door.

  • TRAVIS: What kind, like a buddy?

  • LAURA: Oh, he tried it before.

  • MATT: Where do you create the unseen servant?

  • SAM: Where do I create it?

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • SAM: Right on the doorknocker.

  • Like, hanging on the doorknocker.

  • TRAVIS: Feet touching the ground?

  • MATT: All right. So the distance unseen servant can be summoned--

  • LAURA: Oh no.

  • MATT: I believe you may be able to actually summon it

  • within the boundary of those arcane sigils.

  • TRAVIS: I'm just sitting back here holding the carpet.

  • ♫ I can show you the world

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: 60 feet, so yeah.

  • You go ahead and you walk up to where that sigil is,

  • you finish your spell, you cast unseen servant.

  • SAM: ♫ Unseen servant, ho

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Which he says every time.

  • SAM: Yes.

  • MATT: Every single time.

  • You see this strange shift of air

  • as some sort of humanoid form then materializes

  • in the opposite side of this boundary

  • and stands at your ready and command.

  • SAM: We still haven't knocked on the door, correct?

  • GROUP: No.

  • MATT: It's about a 60 foot walk.

  • SAM: I command the unseen servant to (imitates knocking)

  • MATT: It kind of saunters over.

  • You guys see this kind of shifting,

  • barely, barely visible form make its way

  • up to the front door.

  • In the distance, you hear a dull (knocking).

  • Eventually, the door slightly opens.

  • And you see a hunched figure

  • with bright white, chalk-white hair,

  • kind of look out the doorway,

  • "Oh, where's he come from?"

  • Looking at the form in front of him.

  • SAM: Oh, the ghost.

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • "That's where you come from.

  • All right."

  • SAM: Hello!

  • ORION: I'm waving.

  • Hello.

  • MATT: Opens the door, comes out.

  • You now see this dwarven figure hunched, very, very old,

  • with a long, very, very well-crafted brass staff,

  • looks like a black or purple gem at the top.

  • Spectacles at the tip of its nose.

  • And it begins to kind of shift its way over towards you.

  • (breathes heavily)

  • ORION: Watch out for that rune.

  • It's still on.

  • SAM: I think he knows that.

  • (laughing)

  • MATT: Eventually making its way.

  • TRAVIS: He's coming towards us?

  • MATT: Yes. Walks right to the edge of the sigil.

  • Puts his hand up, and the unseen servant vanishes.

  • He goes, "So, you have my attention."

  • ORION: Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

  • My name's Tiberius Stormwind, and these are my friends.

  • MATT: He puts his hand up and there's no sound

  • coming out of your mouth.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • SAM: Maybe we should listen.

  • MATT: "This is the one who would-be attacked our home abode

  • not more than a few hours ago."

  • SAM: He has emotional problems.

  • MATT: "Apparently.

  • He needs to learn respect for other people's property."

  • LAURA: Yes, he does.

  • LIAM: We agree wholeheartedly.

  • He's dragonborn, he's weird.

  • He's a little weird.

  • We're sorry to interrupt.

  • I don't know, it's dinnertime, I think.

  • I don't know if you've heard yet, it just happened.

  • We just fought some sort of many-headed beast

  • down at the mines, and Lord Greyspine

  • is sending us in.

  • So before we go, we were sent here.

  • We were told you were the dwarf to speak to

  • if we needed--

  • LAURA: To know about the magical entities.

  • LIAM: I think it was just to get shit.

  • (Travis and Sam laugh)

  • LIAM: To get ready for those entities.

  • MATT: "If you're looking to but trinkets and magical oddities--

  • LAURA: Trinkets!

  • MATT: "You've come to the wrong place.

  • "This is a house of study.

  • "This is where hardworking dwarves of arcane persuasion

  • "put their lives towards pursuing--

  • TRAVIS: Say something!

  • MATT: "--the magical forms and fields that--

  • SAM: And we have come to seek your knowledge.

  • MATT: "I'm sorry."

  • Your sound is back.

  • ORION: That's what I'm trying to say is that I came here

  • looking to ask about the arcane studies.

  • I'm extremely interested in that.

  • When I heard that your house

  • Was the only one that was in that particular study,

  • I was immensely intrigued.

  • I respect the arcane arts so much that it's,

  • well, it's been my life.

  • And right now, we're in bit of a situation

  • where we have to go slaughter a bunch of nasties

  • in apparently one of your mines.

  • And we don't know the source.

  • And it appears to be of an extreme arcane nature

  • of the dark sense, and I figured we could come to you

  • for help and some kind of guidance.

  • And I will-- Scanlan, will you stop it!

  • And it appears that you very well know something

  • that we could learn from, with all due respect, of course.

  • MATT: Make a persuasion check.

  • MARISHA: Holy shit. What the fuck.

  • Breathe.

  • ORION: 11.

  • TRAVIS: God, what is with these rolls?

  • TALIESIN: We've been middling.

  • LAURA: Terrible rolls today.

  • MATT: The dwarf gives you a disapproving brow shift

  • and goes, "Look, I mean no disrespect.

  • "But understand, this is a dwarven house

  • "of arcane practitioning and study.

  • "Don't see any dwarves among ya.

  • "I think our business here is concluded."

  • "If you're looking to buy stuff, we produce

  • "and sell through the Value of Valor house of sale."

  • TRAVIS: Oh Tiberius, can't you become a dwarf?

  • TALIESIN: Of course, sir, we completely understand

  • if you're not up to such a challenge.

  • It makes perfect sense, and we'll be more than happy to go

  • and buy some wares somewhere else

  • if this is too much for you.

  • MATT: "Bah! Challenge."

  • ORION: I will send you my associate.

  • The dwarf turns around and begins walking away

  • with his staff.

  • LAURA: What a beautiful staff that is.

  • ORION: I'm gonna cast Alter Self on myself to be a dwarf.

  • TRAVIS: And jump behind me, and act like you just--

  • LAURA: Actually sir, we do have a dwarf with us.

  • MARISHA: No wait wait wait! Cast it on me!

  • I'm a squirrel in her pocket.

  • ORION: Oh shit, I cast it on her instead.

  • (loud thudding)

  • LAURA: We have a dwarf with us who wanted

  • to actually say hello to--

  • TRAVIS: (whispering) What's your dwarf name?

  • MATT: Turns around. Saunters back.

  • ORION: Keyleth, where have you been?

  • MARISHA: I guess it's Keyleth.

  • MATT: Looks at you.

  • TRAVIS: Keyleth Kraghammer.

  • SAM: You better fucking speak dwarvish.

  • MATT: Smiles for a second as he looks at you and goes,

  • "Ah, how nice to meet you.

  • "Where are you from?"

  • MARISHA: (bad Scottish accent) Oh, hello.

  • (group laughs)

  • LAURA: Oh, shit.

  • (Liam speaks in Swedish-accented gibberish)

  • SAM: Ya, from Sweden.

  • TRAVIS: I'm gonna choke on a chip. (coughs)

  • MARISHA: Keyleth is not good at this.

  • LIAM: Roll with it player, roll with it.

  • MARISHA: I hail from the mountains up north.

  • ORION: She had an accident on the way over here.

  • We were hoping maybe--

  • MATT: Roll a persuasion roll with disadvantage.

  • (all talking and laughing)

  • MATT: You. Roll with disadvantage.

  • LIAM: Let the dice act better than us tonight, please.

  • (group laughs)

  • TRAVIS: (high-pitched voice) Oh, hello!

  • MARISHA: Wait, persuasion--I don't have--oh, wait.

  • I have a zero.

  • Eight.

  • MATT: That's your first roll.

  • Now roll again.

  • MARISHA: Oh, I have advantage.

  • MATT: No, you have disadvantage.

  • MARISHA: Oh, disadvantage.

  • So eight.

  • MATT: Eight.

  • He goes, "I've been practicing the arcane arts

  • "for over 250 years.

  • MARISHA: And I've been practicing my Cornwall accent

  • for five minutes.

  • Shit.

  • MATT: He raises his hand,

  • and the Alter Self spell dissipates.

  • Where stands Keyleth.

  • SAM: Oh Keyleth, you've been lying to us this whole time?

  • (Travis laughs)

  • ORION: Who are you?

  • SAM: We thought you were a dwarf.

  • LIAM: Vax steps forward, steps in front of Keyleth and says,

  • Good sir dwarf.

  • Clearly we are idiots.

  • We are--

  • MATT: "That's the first true thing you've said

  • "since you've called me out of my home."

  • LIAM: Stay with me on this.

  • We are strangers in a strange land.

  • However, we are working with Lord Greyspine

  • to empty your mines and end the evil

  • that is spewing forth from them.

  • Now I know that we are a bit stupid--

  • (group laughs)

  • --in a number of ways.

  • LAURA: But we fight well.

  • LIAM: But we fight well, and we have the best of intentions,

  • and when it counts, we're there.

  • We just need a little bit of help going into the mines.

  • And again, Lord Greyspine himself sent us,

  • so please excuse my--

  • TALIEISIN: Cornwall?

  • LIAM: --challenged friends.

  • TRAVIS: My cornhole friends.

  • LIAM: We're here to help.

  • I promise.

  • TRAVIS: That's a very Disney moment.

  • LIAM: Wink, wink, wink.

  • LAURA: I wink twice.

  • Make a persuasion roll at disadvantage.

  • LAURA: Can I assist him 'cause I winked?

  • MATT: No.

  • LAURA: Damn it.

  • TRAVIS: It's a powerful wink.

  • MATT: It's a powerful wink, but not this powerful.

  • Not the way this conversation's been going.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, apparently not.

  • Oh hello!

  • LIAM: Best roll of the night.

  • I rolled a 20 and a 17.

  • So 19.

  • MATT: 19.

  • He glares at you two and goes,

  • "I've said my piece.

  • Good luck to you all."

  • (group groans)

  • SAM: Further.

  • LAURA: If you had gotten the 20.

  • LIAM: How about a chocolate-covered mallomar?

  • SAM: I'm gonna have one more try at this.

  • MATT: He turns around and starts walking away.

  • SAM: There must be so many arcane things down there

  • that we will discover and bring to you

  • upon finding them.

  • LAURA: Good call, Scanlan.

  • SAM: Things that you could use for your research.

  • Historical items.

  • MATT: As he's still walking away, you hear him shout

  • over his shoulder,

  • "And when you bring them, then we'll talk!"

  • SAM: Okay, that's fair.

  • MATT: "Till then, good day, and don't bother me

  • when I'm eating."

  • LAURA: Thank you, Lord Thunderclap.

  • LIAM: This game has consequences.

  • MATT: At which he shouts again

  • at a booming, booming prestidigitation voice,

  • "It's THUNDERBRAND!"

  • LAURA: That's what I meant.

  • MATT: You hear the door slam, boom!

  • TRAVIS: That was fun.

  • SAM: That was great!

  • LAURA: Should we go buy some potions then?

  • TALIESIN: Yes, let's go buy some potions.

  • SAM: He gave us a little bit of information.

  • The valve of valva, what's it? Valor of -

  • TRAVIS: Vulva?

  • SAM: The place to place to go buy potions.

  • ORION: The House of Valor.

  • SAM: No, the valva--

  • ORION: It's not the House of Vulva, Scanlan.

  • MATT: The Value of Valor.

  • LAURA AND SAM: The Value of Valor!

  • TRAVIS: If you want to visit the House of Vulva,

  • you and I can go later but not now.

  • LAURA: The Value of Valor, let's go find that.

  • ORION: (in Marisha's bad accent) Let's go to the North.

  • MARISHA: I'm sorry.

  • I didn't think about the fact that I was

  • gonna have to do an accent.

  • I'm not good with that stuff.

  • LAURA: It's okay, Keyleth.

  • TRAVIS: Women, fighting, ale, that's my job.

  • MATT: So after a bit of discussion, you manage to make your way

  • around town.

  • You eventually find your way to the Value of Valor,

  • which is a--

  • LAURA: Terrible.

  • MATT: (laughs) It's a stone building.

  • Like reddish brick, it looks in construction.

  • With fine purple--

  • LAURA: Please be open, please be open, please be open.

  • MATT: (laughs) Fine purple tapestries in the front

  • that show various battles of old dwarven history

  • of two glowing enchanted permalight lanterns

  • hanging from the front.

  • TALIESIN: Classy.

  • MATT: And an entryway that is currently open

  • and a warmly-lit interior welcomes you.

  • TRAVIS: Awesome.

  • LIAM: So easy.

  • SAM: Hey, before we go in there

  • and just make asses of ourselves,

  • As a group, what do you think we need to get down

  • into these mines?

  • LAURA: Potions.

  • TALIESIN: Healing potions.

  • SAM: Healing potions. Some light sources--

  • ORION: We don't need that.

  • SAM: Climbing anything?

  • LAURA: I have climbing gear.

  • SAM: I have some climbing gear, but--

  • LAURA: That's included in the dungeoneering kit, right?

  • MATT: Yes.

  • SAM: Oh, what about something for breathing?

  • SAM: Like what if we get trapped down there with no air?

  • ORION: Don't worry about that.

  • LAURA: She can make plants, and we'll get plenty of oxygen.

  • MARISHA: Oxygen's good, although if we have something

  • to help with poison, that might be good.

  • Can we get some antidotes?

  • LIAM: Vex. How much gold do we have at the moment?

  • LAURA: That is a wonderful question, brother.

  • ORION: By the way, I pull out a bottle of air.

  • Just an empty bottle and go: and plus, we have this.

  • LAURA: We will more than double our gold if we take this mission.

  • TRAVIS: So we got like 24,000 gold pieces?

  • LAURA: Less than that.

  • TRAVIS: 23 thousand.

  • LAURA: Less than that.

  • TRAVIS: 22 thousand?

  • LIAM: More than double, that means it could be one thousand.

  • 'Cause anything is more than double.

  • LAURA: I don't like sharing.

  • TRAVIS: Math is stupid.

  • SAM: All right, we go into the House of Vulva.

  • MATT: All right.

  • SAM: Open your vulva!

  • MATT: That's not what it's called.

  • (group laughs)

  • TRAVIS: Are you sure you don't wanna think about renaming it now?

  • MATT: It's the Value of Valor guys, come on! (whines)

  • MATT: All right, so.

  • TALIESIN: You're tearing the party apart.

  • LIAM: Tearing me apart, Lisa.

  • MATT: A giant boulder falls out of nowhere and crushes Grog.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: So you make your way inside.

  • Suddenly, hit with the smell of heavy incense and jasmine.

  • This is the equivalent of a Psychic Eye Bookshop.

  • ORION: Groovy!

  • MARISHA: Oh, we were just there.

  • TALIESIN: We were just there.

  • TRAVIS: Nag champa.

  • MATT: You walk inside.

  • There's not a lot of folks inside

  • looking about the establishment.

  • But there is one person sitting at the front desk,

  • which is a beautiful long oak table

  • with a red trim that hangs to the ceiling.

  • Not a dwarf, actually.

  • What you see there appears to be an elven individual,

  • sitting at wait, hair pulled back behind the ears.

  • Very, very slight, thin build.

  • And smiles as you enter and says,

  • "Welcome to my establishment, may I help you?"

  • LAURA: We both stand a little taller, and try to look more noble.

  • LIAM: Hello.

  • MATT: "Yes."

  • LIAM: It's a beautiful shop you have.

  • It's so startling to find an elven establishment here

  • in the middle of Kraghammer.

  • How did this come about?

  • MATT: "Well.

  • "They didn't have one."

  • (Travis and Sam laugh)

  • "And I found there was perhaps money to be made

  • "in starting one.

  • "I've been here for over a hundred years."

  • TRAVIS: Oh sh-- Are you guys that old?

  • LIAM: No, we are not.

  • ORION: So business is good?

  • MATT: "Dwarves have a hard time

  • "buying from those who are not dwarves.

  • "But I've made my established connections with business individuals.

  • "So, what can I help you with?

  • TALIESIN: We're in the market for some healing potions

  • to start with.

  • TRAVIS: Yep, yep.

  • MATT: "Of which intensity are you looking for?"

  • TRAVIS:: Level three for this one, please.

  • Two.

  • MATT: "So looking for a superior healing potion."

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, superior.

  • MATT: "I've only got two of those currently."

  • LAURA: They're expensive, Grog.

  • MARISHA: We don't have Pike, though.

  • MATT: "I can sell you the two superior healing potions."

  • MARISHA: I'm still not feeling well.

  • MATT: "Those will run you 1,500 gold pieces each."

  • TRAVIS: Fuck!

  • Really?!

  • TALIESIN: This is why you buy medium healing potions.

  • MARISHA: On second thought, I'll just read some books tonight,

  • TRAVIS: I take damage fast.

  • MARISHA: Refresh myself on my healing spells.

  • LAURA: Can I ask your name?

  • MATT: He gives you a keen look and says, "Tremaine."

  • LAURA: Tremaine.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, here we go.

  • (Liam and Taliesin laugh)

  • MARISHA: It's what she's good at.

  • TRAVIS: Everybody take five while we haggle.

  • LAURA: I'm just saying.

  • We're heading into the mines.

  • We are going to encounter very many

  • arcane objects potentially.

  • In fact, Lord Thunderbrand sent us over here.

  • That's his name, right?

  • TRAVIS: You got it.

  • TALIESIN: You did it right.

  • LAURA: Sent us over here telling us to find his wares here.

  • And we've made a deal with him

  • that if we find arcane objects we could potentially,

  • you know, I lost track of what I was saying,

  • but you get the idea.

  • SAM: Oh boy.

  • ORION: What would you suggest?

  • And do you know of any things we should particularly

  • buy before we leave going into the mines

  • and encountering nasty naga-type creatures

  • and other kind of things.

  • MATT: "Superior healing potions."

  • TRAVIS: How much are they each, 1500?

  • MATT: "1500 gold pieces."

  • TRAVIS: I'll take one for me, thank you.

  • MATT: "Very well."

  • LAURA: We'll very much like to perhaps make a deal with you,

  • that we'll bring you objects of arcane nature

  • for a discount on your wares.

  • MATT: Make a persuasion roll.

  • TRAVIS: Oh shit.

  • I just paid for--

  • LAURA: Oh, no you didn't.

  • Not yet.

  • LIAM: Roll, sister.

  • LAURA: Oh, come on, no whammies, no whammies.

  • Okay, well.

  • 15, hm?

  • TRAVIS: He's an old elf.

  • MATT: He says,

  • "And I appreciate this perhaps offer.

  • "Once you return from your mines--"

  • LAURA: I know, I know, I know.

  • MATT: "--with these magical accoutrements,

  • you are more than welcome to bring them here,

  • and we'll make a deal.

  • LAURA: How many dragons have you come across, sir?

  • Are you interested in dragon parts?

  • TRAVIS: Oh, we have a lot of dragon bits.

  • MATT: He extends his hand to a shelf on the side

  • labeled, "Dragon Parts."

  • LAURA: Oh.

  • (group laughs)

  • LAURA: Lovely.

  • MATT: "And to answer your question, three."

  • LAURA: Oh, really?

  • TRAVIS: What about basilisk eggs?

  • LAURA: What kind of dragons, actually?

  • MATT: "What was your question, sir?"

  • TRAVIS: We have also, if you're interested in trade,

  • basilisk eggs and parts of an umber hulk.

  • LIAM: And a troll dick.

  • TRAVIS: No, that's gone.

  • (group laughs)

  • TRAVIS: We flogged him with it and then it disappeared.

  • LIAM: I detract my offer.

  • TRAVIS: It was used very well.

  • MATT: He gives you a very concerned look.

  • TRAVIS: I'm a collector of sorts.

  • MATT: Both of you. And he goes,

  • And he goes,

  • "I work in trade, meaning gold pieces for my wares."

  • LAURA: Yes.

  • MATT: "If you have interest, purchase.

  • "If not, I have other business to attend to."

  • SAM: Any other healing potions to buy?

  • Come on people.

  • LAURA: Maybe a moderate.

  • LIAM: All right, well friends, we're about to descend

  • into hell itself,

  • so I reckon we should probably pay the price.

  • TALIESIN: Two moderates.

  • MATT: Greater. In the new edition.

  • TALIESIN: Greater.

  • MARISHA: How much are the greaters?

  • MATT: "The greater healing potions run 300 gold apiece."

  • LAURA: Oh, let's get a few of those.

  • TRAVIS: I need like three of those.

  • MATT: "So, three?"

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, three.

  • LAURA: Do you have any arrows that--

  • TRAVIS: Well let's do the potions first.

  • LAURA: Okay okay okay, two for me.

  • MATT: "So, five."

  • TALIESIN: Two for me as well.

  • MATT: "Seven."

  • TRAVIS: Keyleth.

  • MARISHA: I'll take one.

  • MATT: "Eight."

  • TRAVIS: Tiberius?

  • MATT: "Anyone else require a moderate healing potion?"

  • TRAVIS: Tiberius?

  • ORION: I could take one.

  • MATT: Pathfinder to 5E.

  • TRAVIS: Scanlan?

  • SAM: Well, do we have ours leftover from what we had before?

  • [LAURA, TRAVIS, MATT] Yes.

  • SAM: Then I'm fine.

  • TRAVIS: Vax? LAURA: He's Vax.

  • LIAM: No, I'm good actually. LAURA: He's Vax.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, my intelligence is six.

  • LIAM: I'm so fast I don't really use them that much.

  • TRAVIS: So nine.

  • LIAM: You'll get to that point as well.

  • LAURA: Nine potions then.

  • TRAVIS: Nine times 300, work that out.

  • MATT: As he pulls up his arcane calculator.

  • LAURA: So 2500 for all nine then.

  • TALIESIN: It's an abacus, God, abacus!

  • TRAVIS: I believe it's 2700 gold pieces?

  • LAURA: Why would you do that?

  • I was trying to make him--

  • MATT: "It is 27."

  • MATT: He says, "Impressive for a goliath.

  • "I don't mean to assume, but in my experiences,

  • "your kind is--

  • TRAVIS: It's Professor Grog, actually.

  • ORION: All right, calm down.

  • MATT: "2700 gold pieces for your nine greater healing potions."

  • LAURA: All right, 27.

  • Do you have any arrows

  • that perhaps have magical properties?

  • ORION: Enchanted arrows is what she's asking for.

  • LAURA: Yes.

  • MATT: He kind of glances over his shoulder and says,

  • "Ah, we haven't had much a request for arrows in a while.

  • "We have bolts for crossbows, as that seems to be the staple

  • "for the carvers of the city.

  • "I have two sleep arrows, perhaps, if that is

  • "of interest to you."

  • ORION: Yes they would be, very much.

  • LAURA: And what would you charge for those, sir?

  • TALIESIN: Ooh, I should build some interesting arrows.

  • MARISHA: You should.

  • MATT: Arrows.

  • (whispering and muttering)

  • MATT: "That would run you 250 gold per arrow.

  • "I have two currently."

  • LAURA: All right, all right, I'll take 'em.

  • MATT: "All right, 500 gold.

  • "With that, that is a total of 3200 gold pieces."

  • TRAVIS: Scanlan, underwater breathing or air, oxygen supplies?

  • ORION: Dear sir, have you happened upon any--

  • TRAVIS: Ask with your fancy talk.

  • ORION: --relic or artifact around here, or heard

  • of something called the Pale Stone?

  • LAURA: Sorry, you have to watch us buy things.

  • ORION: This is a rare artifact I've been looking for

  • for quite some time.

  • ORION: I figured an environment like this might lend to something.

  • LAURA: What is it a mess you've made?

  • MATT: "I don't believe I have, but should you come across one,

  • "I would be interested to have a look."

  • ORION: Oh, you appraise?

  • MATT: "If you don't mind."

  • ORION: Very good.

  • SAM: And do you have anything for adventuring underwater

  • or for helping to breathe in tight spaces?

  • MATT: "Mm, potion of waterbreathing, I do happen to have."

  • SAM: A potion of waterbreathing?

  • MATT: "Yes, I do."

  • SAM: How much?

  • MATT: "I have four of them available,

  • "and they run 500 gold apiece."

  • SAM: Jesus.

  • TRAVIS: We'll take it.

  • We got all this platinum I forgot about.

  • SAM: Take one, two, one?

  • LAURA: Don't say that!

  • TRAVIS: He can't hear--

  • ORION: I don't need one.

  • I bring out my bottle of air.

  • And I go, "I have this."

  • And I put it back in.

  • SAM: I'm okay as well.

  • You want one, Grog?

  • TRAVIS: Yeah.

  • SAM: All right, we'll just take one of those.

  • TRAVIS: Just one?

  • SAM: Well, I don't need it.

  • He doesn't need it.

  • TRAVIS: We'll take two.

  • SAM: Two.

  • MATT: "1000 gold.

  • "That brings us to 4200 gold."

  • LAURA: Wait, 42?

  • MATT: "Yes."

  • LIAM: Have you any elven gear for a son of Syngorn?

  • LAURA: Are you taking it off of your pot now?

  • TRAVIS: Yep.

  • MATT: He gives you a keen look and goes,

  • "We don't get many requests for this,

  • "but I think this may fit you."

  • And he reaches below and pulls up a fine piece

  • of mithril chain, elven in make.

  • LAURA: That's what I'm wearing.

  • MATT: Mm hm.

  • TRAVIS: Show-off.

  • MATT: He says, "Would you perhaps

  • "be interested in this elven chain?"

  • LIAM: It's beautiful.

  • I am a bit of a light-footed one.

  • Would it suit me?

  • MATT: "Hm.

  • "Chain does make a bit of a racket.

  • "Might not recommend it, unfortunately."

  • LIAM: All right. I'll pass.

  • TRAVIS: You couldn't buy it for me?

  • LAURA: It won't fit you, it's for elves.

  • LIAM: You're gigantic.

  • TRAVIS: Could go on my pinky or something.

  • LAURA: All right, cool.

  • LIAM: Could fit on your left nut.

  • LAURA: Well, thanks.

  • TRAVIS: That's an important nut.

  • MATT: He goes ahead and accepts your gold.

  • Go ahead and mark off 4200 gold for those.

  • LAURA: I did already.

  • MATT: All right, very well.

  • "Thank you for your patronage.

  • "I look forward to hopefully having you back

  • "when you return with whatever artifacts you manage to find."

  • TRAVIS: Thank you, you're very nice.

  • LAURA: Big expensive artifacts.

  • TALIESIN: I say, you're one of the most charming people

  • we've met so far down here.

  • TRAVIS: And it smells pretty in here.

  • MATT: "Well of course, they come in rare ordinance

  • in this city, it seems."

  • You hear under his breath a little bit of a mutter.

  • Apparently it's like elves don't like dwarves, it's weird.

  • TRAVIS: Do we sleep before we get to go kill shit?

  • TALIESIN: We're gonna go sleep.

  • TRAVIS: Well can we go do that?

  • LAURA: Let's go sleep and then get up in the morning

  • and go down and kill things.

  • TALIESIN: And I'd love to do a crafting roll

  • right before I go to sleep

  • just to put together a little thing.

  • MATT: What would you like to put together?

  • TALIESIN: I'd like to try and build a bolo arrow, a trapping arrow.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah!

  • MATT: Interesting, okay.

  • As you guys head back to the inn

  • where you've rented rooms for the week,

  • TRAVIS: You clever fucker.

  • MATT: Which would be at the Iron Hearth Tavern.

  • TRAVIS: Is Ballsack in there?

  • When we walk in?

  • MATT: Balgus is not in the tavern, no.

  • TRAVIS: He's not?

  • ORION: He's Balgus, Grog. MATT: No, sorry.

  • TRAVIS: Really?

  • MATT: He's got a home.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, but doesn't mean he have to go to it.

  • MATT: True.

  • LAURA: I walk Trinket down into the storage area

  • that he can stay in.

  • MATT: [bear noise] Trinket goes down begrudgingly.

  • ORION: Damn it.

  • LAURA: I look around for something that can

  • look like a pillow for him.

  • MATT: You find a couple of sacks of grain

  • that can probably work.

  • LAURA: I put them down and make them comfy for him.

  • MATT: Okay, you think they're probably not gonna last the night

  • with those bear claws.

  • But you don't care, it's not your grain.

  • LAURA: That's fine.

  • Also, I feed him.

  • MATT: Okay, Trinket is very happy. (imitates bear eating)

  • Tears into some meat.

  • You guys make it back to the tavern for an evening's rest.

  • For you--

  • TALIESIN: Not a super complicated thing, but, you know, I've gotta--

  • MATT: Go ahead and make a Tinker's Kit roll.

  • TALIESIN: What am I rolling with my Tinker's Kit?

  • I've never done this before.

  • MATT: For this, I would go ahead

  • and make it an intellect modifier to your roll.

  • TALIESIN: Intellect modifier?

  • TRAVIS: Rock that shit, Perce.

  • TALIESIN: And I'm spending my bonus die as well.

  • LAURA: Oh, we have bonus die, don't we?

  • From Scanlan.

  • TALIESIN: Thank God, because I rolled really badly.

  • 10.

  • MATT: 10?

  • You spend and toil away for the next four or so hours

  • trying to find a way to get this trigger to work.

  • Twice you nearly sprain a finger.

  • You manage seemingly get it to function,

  • then the arrow itself splits and shatters.

  • You can see there being something to it,

  • but this night it's not gonna come to you.

  • TALIESIN: I'm gonna have to try again later.

  • Okay, that's fine. It's on the list.

  • That was a terrible roll.

  • MATT: It was a terrible roll.

  • MARISHA: It's been a bad day for rolls.

  • It's been bad day for rolling.

  • LAURA: Fresh start in the morning.

  • SAM: Well, tomorrow is the day that it counts,

  • because that's when we begin to crack some heads.

  • LAURA: When we could die.

  • TALIESIN: Out with this system, new dice.

  • MARISHA: To be fair, it's been a long day.

  • I'm still bleeding everywhere.

  • SAM: Should we rest and get on with it?

  • LAURA: Let's do it!

  • SAM: Or should we visit some whorehouses?

  • TRAVIS: Nah, let's sleep.

  • SAM: Let's just sleep tonight.

  • LAURA: Just sleep and go.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, they're still tired from the other night.

  • SAM: Oh yes, one of them battered me quite--

  • TRAVIS: I don't know what this is.

  • SAM: That's me getting beaten up by a whore dwarf.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, it's you getting the elbow drop.

  • TRAVIS: She's giving you the Randy Savage

  • from the bedpost.

  • TRAVIS: Oh yeah!

  • (crosstalk)

  • TRAVIS: We're sleeping now.

  • MATT: All right.

  • So you guys go to sleep.

  • Wake up the next morning fully healed, spells restored,

  • well rested and ready for the day.

  • You think it's day.

  • It's hard to tell.

  • Still, this underground circumstance is really

  • messing with you guys.

  • SAM: Well, should we go plunder some mines

  • and kill some goblins?

  • LAURA: Let's do it.

  • TALIESIN: Let's go plunder some mines.

  • TRAVIS: So we head down to the mines.

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: To the hole.

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: ♫ Takin' it to the hole

  • MATT: You make your way

  • down to the bottom ring of Kraghammer.

  • To the mines proper.

  • The miners have gone back to work,

  • and from what you can see,

  • there's just an all around crazy business

  • with people cleaning out, still trying

  • to clean out the ichor that's on the ground

  • left over from the battle you guys had the day before.

  • You make your way to the front of the mines,

  • and immediately three of the carvers that are standing

  • at the front approach as you begin to walk,

  • and then upon noticing you, kind of like,

  • step back and put their weapons to the side.

  • TRAVIS: Yep.

  • MATT: Acknowledging the orders they received

  • from Lord Greyspine.

  • LAURA: Oh, Trinket's with us.

  • MATT: Trinket has come along with you.

  • SAM: Trinket the bear, Trinket the bear.

  • LAURA: I just saw that, don't forget Trinket.

  • I didn't forget Trinket.

  • MATT: I assume Trinket comes with you unless you say otherwise.

  • MATT: In general.

  • TRAVIS: Are they especially bowing to Scanlan the snake slayer?

  • MATT: (laughs)

  • No.

  • (group laughs)

  • TRAVIS: No love!

  • MATT: They're busy working.

  • MATT: And fair play to the gnome, but they're dwarves.

  • SAM: Sure.

  • ORION: Yeah.

  • They see that crap all the time.

  • MATT: You make your way into the mine proper.

  • It goes back for a good 10 minutes of walking

  • and of winding.

  • You can see the actual track

  • of the minetrack leading around.

  • You come upon a couple of dwarves that

  • look over their shoulders begrudgingly at you guys

  • as you pass going, "Hey?

  • Eh, shh," and go right back into mining whatever remains

  • in the inside of this.

  • It looks like this portion of the mine

  • has been nearly picked clean.

  • The dwarves that are in there are probably just wasting time

  • to get their pay for the day.

  • You go further back and eventually it opens up.

  • I think I have the map available.

  • LIAM: I've got it right here.

  • SAM: It's over there.

  • MATT: Cool.

  • SAM: Can you put it so that the people can see?

  • LAURA: Oh, yeah.

  • SAM: Is that a thing?

  • TRAVIS: They can't see that.

  • MATT: We can put it on there perhaps.

  • For the most part I'll be describing it as you go,

  • so it's not too important.

  • LAURA: Okay.

  • TALIESIN: Looks like Italy.

  • MATT: Yes.

  • TRAVIS: It's a boot.

  • MARISHA: It's the boot, yeah.

  • MATT: Following it, you get to a portion of the mine

  • that is very busy.

  • You can see, since this is probably one of the portions

  • that wasn't collapsed in previous incursions

  • buy whatever creatures these were,

  • you get the feeling that this one has basically taken

  • most of their workforce to try and find

  • and carve a new vein.

  • Or find a new path to pull things from.

  • You get towards the portion

  • where all these dwarves are working,

  • and you notice that some of the doors have been shattered,

  • knocked off the hinges.

  • You imagine whatever creatures

  • were barreling through before,

  • this is probably where they came through.

  • LAURA: All right.

  • TALIESIN: That's where we're going.

  • TRAVIS: Make an arcane check. Somebody with arcane.

  • LAURA: Oh yeah, can I look around?

  • Perception.

  • MATT: You look around.

  • What are you looking for?

  • LAURA: I'm looking for, you know.

  • (group laughs)

  • TRAVIS: Be specific.

  • TALIESIN: 15 arcana check.

  • LAURA: Scratch marks for anything.

  • MARISHA: I like the idea of magic perception.

  • TALIESIN: I just wanna see if there's anything familiar

  • about the markings, if I can identify

  • any signs of something mystical that's come through here.

  • TRAVIS: Like a portal or a prison or a--

  • MATT: That'd be more of an investigation roll.

  • TALIESIN: Oh, well, alright.

  • LAURA: I'm gonna look for tracks.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • That'll be an investigation roll for you as well.

  • MARISHA: I'm gonna assist her, look for animal tracks.

  • LAURA: I'm scared, I don't know which one to roll.

  • Both my die have been rolling so bad.

  • ORION: I want to detect magic for a while.

  • MATT: All right.

  • (loud thud)

  • MATT: Aid roll, Keyleth?

  • LAURA: This one is no longer in service.

  • TALIESIN: Oh, wow!

  • MARISHA: Five.

  • TRAVIS: Well hers is a lot better.

  • MARISHA: Good.

  • LIAM: Sorry, I've got the map, so I'm looking at the mine.

  • Are we still in the dwarven carved out,

  • sort of structure portion of the mine.

  • MATT: You are.

  • You have just essentially started on that map.

  • SAM: So let's go down.

  • LIAM: Guys, I'm holding a map.

  • I see one room that they've scrawled "Supply" on,

  • so it should be the next right up ahead.

  • I'd like to just take a peek in there

  • and see what we can see before we head deeper in.

  • MATT: All right, you are--?

  • LAURA: I rolled a one again.

  • MATT: A natural one.

  • LAURA: A natural one.

  • Vax and I get dressed up in Sherlock Holmes cosplay,

  • and we say, "Golly gee, I think I see some animal tracks

  • "over here."

  • TALIESIN: They are staring at their own footprints on the ground.

  • MARISHA: "The trail's going cold!"

  • TALIESIN: Following around in a circle.

  • MATT: Oh man, this has turned completely back

  • from the first game.

  • You guys are failing consistently.

  • LAURA: Everything.

  • MATT: Let's turn this around, let's turn this around.

  • LIAM: Anyhow, I've got a map, so let's use this.

  • Stay on point here.

  • MATT: You make your way towards the supply room as you

  • head to where it was.

  • One of the dwarves is guarding it.

  • Not a carver, just one of the miners that was hired

  • for this purpose is standing there.

  • Leads you into the door, kind of opening it for you,

  • awkwardly going, "All right, whatever you're looking for, fine.

  • "Go inside."

  • Looking inside, there are just racks and racks and racks

  • of pickaxes, shovels, utensils for the purpose of mining

  • and constructing.

  • There are wooden boards lying down.

  • There are just giant barrels of nails and clipping utensils,

  • and things that are used in the continuous expansion

  • of a mine.

  • LIAM: I've seen enough.

  • We should keep going.

  • (group laughs)

  • This map says that there's an elevator

  • a short ways up. LAURA: That goes down.

  • LIAM: That goes down.

  • But then there's a railway that goes further in

  • into the caves, so I'm not sure.

  • LAURA: We should probably go down.

  • MARISHA: Yeah, I feel like going down. LIAM: Elevator straight down?

  • MARISHA: Let's go further, all the way down.

  • SAM: How many of us can the elevator hold?

  • MATT: Elevator can pretty much hold all of you guys.

  • SAM: Okay, let's go.

  • LIAM: It's a safe assumption that Lady Kima did not just

  • walk to the back of the upper floors,

  • she probably went down.

  • SAM: Yeah, let's go down, come on!

  • LIAM: Get shit done, let's go.

  • MATT: All right.

  • LAURA: Let's do it.

  • MARISHA: Get low.

  • TRAVIS: Air high five.

  • LIAM: We have a map to the elevator.

  • TRAVIS: Make 10.

  • MATT: As you guys are walking over to where the elevator is,

  • you do notice there are two places in the mines

  • where there is just large piles of rubble.

  • And part of the ceiling has collapsed.

  • You can see that there were portions

  • where the mine expanded much deeper into the mountain

  • that were detonated or collapsed in the idea

  • of preventing any further incursion by

  • whatever these creatures are pouring through.

  • You also can see that there are some dwarven corpses

  • being loaded out from the mine below,

  • as well as goblin corpses,

  • individuals that were caught in the attack

  • that happened yesterday before it managed

  • to emerge from the mine.

  • LIAM: Scanlan, are you all right around these goblin corpses?

  • LAURA: We should follow those.

  • SAM: Any goblin corpse is a good goblin, I say.

  • I'm fine with it.

  • I'll just quickly spit on their bodies

  • as they go by.

  • MATT: And you do so quite quickly (spits).

  • It's rapid, it's amazing.

  • LAURA: So we follow the corpses

  • and see where they're coming from.

  • MATT: All right. So that heads away from the elevator.

  • SAM: No no no, no no no.

  • That's being taken to be buried, let's just keep--

  • LAURA: No no no, where they're coming from.

  • SAM: Oh.

  • LIAM: So we could either go to the rear of the mine

  • on this level and see where they're coming from.

  • LAURA: I thought we already went downstairs?

  • LIAM: No, not yet.

  • MATT: There's a spiral staircase on the map.

  • On the lower right hand side.

  • LIAM: Yes, I see it.

  • MATT: That's where they're coming from.

  • LAURA: Does that lead down probably?

  • MATT: It seems to.

  • LAURA: Well then let's take the elevator, whatever.

  • Let's go down.

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: You should put it under the thing.

  • TALIESIN: We're good with down.

  • MATT: You guys go ahead and approach the elevator.

  • It's a large wooden platform with a series of chains.

  • My terrible, hastily drawn map there for you.

  • TRAVIS: It's kinda crap, but it's kinda great.

  • MATT: Yeah, I know.

  • It was actually more designed as a DM utensil,

  • but you guys needed a map--

  • TRAVIS: I love it.

  • MATT: --so I gave you my map.

  • TRAVIS: There you go.

  • LAURA: Take it back.

  • MATT: So I'm taking it back.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: Give it to me.

  • MATT: It's-a mine.

  • No, I'm keeping it.

  • It's all right.

  • So you get back to the elevator.

  • There's a large 15 by 20 platform with a series of chains

  • and there are two dwarves in the back

  • that run a giant iron wheel.

  • As you approach, they kind of give you a look, like,

  • "Well, are you serious about going down?"

  • [Travis, Laura, and Marisha] Yeah.

  • MATT: "Okay, step on the platform."

  • LAURA: Let's do it.

  • The two dwarves grab and begin to rotate the giant wheel,

  • as it does you here the winch and the chain begin to tighten

  • as it does.

  • The platform shudders for a second,

  • begins to lower.

  • As it begins to lower, you can feel the actual platform

  • shake a little bit as the whole weight

  • is placed on the chains.

  • TALIESIN: Guys. We're on an elevator.

  • MARISHA: This is scary.

  • ORION: I love elevators.

  • MATT: As the winch begins to release, it--

  • LAURA: I pet Trinket, calm him down.

  • MARISHA: I've never been on one of these before.

  • MATT: Trinket is a little nervous.

  • MARISHA: It's really tight.

  • TALIESIN: I'm on an elevator with a bear.

  • MARISHA: It's really dark, tight.

  • ORION: Oh, light! (snaps)

  • TALIESIN: Thank you.

  • LAURA: Are we down yet?

  • MARISHA: Keyleth's getting a little claustrophobic.

  • She's never been in this tight of a space.

  • TRAVIS: Are you claustrophobic?

  • MATT: As the light spell bursts out from his staff.

  • You all kind of have to cover your eyes for a second.

  • But the lower area is opened up.

  • LIAM: Word of warning, Tiberius.

  • LAURA: Can we see out?

  • ORION: She said it was dark, and then I cast my spell.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, it's what you do.

  • MATT: (imitates loud thudding) You guys hit the bottom floor.

  • You step off the platform, and you can see

  • there is a secondary minecart that leads from this elevator

  • that curves to the left and leads deeper

  • into the mine proper.

  • To the right of you is the spiral staircase.

  • And you can see now two of the other miner dwarves

  • are dragging a dead body across.

  • LAURA: Can I look for goblin tracks down here and follow those?

  • MATT: (laughs) You can attempt another investigation check.

  • SAM: Why don't we just ask the dwarves

  • where they were getting the bodies?

  • TRAVIS: You're gonna roll crap. You're gonna roll crap.

  • LAURA: Don't curse me.

  • MARISHA: Please don't do that.

  • LAURA: What am I, what is it? That I add it to?

  • MATT: Investigate.

  • LAURA: Perception?

  • MATT: Investigate.

  • But you advantage on the roll, because you're a ranger, tracking.

  • LAURA: Oh sweet. Okay.

  • SAM: Why don't we just ask?

  • LAURA: Well that's good, okay.

  • Let's go with a 17.

  • MATT: 17, alright.

  • So as you guys are going to ask somebody about this,

  • your ranger gets down and begins inspecting the floor.

  • LAURA: Yeah, I see things!

  • MATT: Where you can see there were struggles

  • that apparently occurred.

  • You can see slash marks on the ground.

  • You can see bodies, or the impacts of bodies

  • where some of these dwarves have been pulled away.

  • A few minutes later, you can see tracks,

  • dwarven tracks, of bodies being pulled and dragged,

  • not in the direction they're going,

  • but further down the tunnel.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, let's go there.

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • MATT: As you look and follow that track,

  • you notice that maybe a good 200 feet

  • to the left of the cavern, there is a new tunnel breach

  • that is currently open.

  • About a 20 by 15 size tunnel that is fresh and blasted out

  • from the other side.

  • You can see rubble and rocks strewn across the floor.

  • LAURA: I hear, I hear birds coming from the--

  • TRAVIS: It's a fucking trip, right?

  • LAURA: I know.

  • SAM: Let's go down there.

  • Let's go down where it's dangerous.

  • MATT: All right.

  • LAURA: Can we see?

  • TRAVIS: Can we ask one of the guards?

  • TALIESIN: It's a mine canary.

  • LIAM: Is it black or is it dim?

  • MATT: With his light spell, it's fairly bright.

  • TRAVIS: Nice!

  • MATT: Otherwise, it's fairly dim.

  • TRAVIS: I cup my hands over my face and go, Grog, Grog, Grog. (laughs)

  • MATT: And it does echo.

  • Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog.

  • LAURA: Why would you do that?

  • TRAVIS: Why not?

  • MATT: (faintly) Grog-Grog. Grog.

  • Following the tracks, you can see the dragging

  • of the bodies does indeed go in the direction,

  • and into the newly carved tunnel.

  • In this mine network.

  • LAURA: All right.

  • MATT: What you do notice is the dwarves' bodies

  • that are being dragged away:

  • you can see footprints of those that are also

  • pulling them aside.

  • You kind of figure out the idea of the pattern

  • of the footsteps that are leading in that direction.

  • LAURA: Big, small?

  • MATT: Most of them are also dwarven in shape.

  • LAURA: Oh, okay.

  • MARISHA: Most of them.

  • MATT: So, there are, you can gather,

  • dwarven feet dragging dwarven bodies deeper inside.

  • LIAM: Duergar.

  • LAURA: Dwarven centipede.

  • LIAM: It's the duergar.

  • MATT: However, there are two bodies that are being dragged

  • with no footprints whatsoever.

  • TRAVIS: What?

  • LAURA: Wings.

  • SAM: They're being used like skateboards.

  • (group laughs)

  • MARISHA: Legolas style.

  • ORION: Who and what are those?

  • LIAM: This is 2015.

  • TRAVIS: Is there any residue?

  • MARISHA: Yeah.

  • SAM: Wow, if only we had asked some dwarves

  • what's been going on down here.

  • LAURA: Is there any residue, blood?

  • ORION: We already know.

  • LAURA: Green, red, black.

  • MATT: From the dragging marks, there is no blood.

  • There's no signs of them dragging dead bodies off, at least.

  • LAURA: Does it look like they struggled?

  • MATT: No, there's no struggle either.

  • TRAVIS: Oh crap, fire.

  • MARISHA: What about the walls?

  • How close are the walls?

  • MATT: The walls here for this tunnel are

  • about 15, 20 feet in width.

  • And about 10, 15 feet high.

  • MARISHA: Are there any scratch marks or anything like that

  • on the walls?

  • MATT: No.

  • LIAM: Let's stop dicking around and go into that mine.

  • TRAVIS, TALIESIN: Yeah. LAURA: Might as well.

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: We go further.

  • MATT: You push further in.

  • (Liam imitates sword being drawn)

  • MATT: So, this tunnel, pitch black.

  • There's no light source aside from the one

  • that you're creating.

  • You guys push forward.

  • And push forward, following the tracks.

  • And push forward.

  • And the the tunnel winds and winds and descends.

  • And winds and descends.

  • About two hours--

  • [Laura, Marisha, Travis, and Sam] What?!

  • MATT: --of following this tunnel with little variation.

  • LAURA: Should've grabbed some dried fruit.

  • TRAVIS: We got a ton.

  • MATT: Steadily declining and winding as it progresses.

  • Three hours go by.

  • This tunnel goes extremely deep.

  • Whatever managed to dig its way up here

  • came from pretty far under this mine.

  • LAURA: At no point does it look like the bodies ever moved?

  • MATT: Nope, no change in physicality.

  • No sign of struggle.

  • MARISHA: But there are the drag marks all the way? MATT: Yeah.

  • LIAM: And two hours ago, I started stealthing

  • and taking the lead.

  • When we're in the dark.

  • MATT: All right, go ahead and roll a stealth check.

  • LAURA: I thought I was tracking.

  • LIAM: Uh, 29.

  • LAURA: Whoo, that's a good roll.

  • Yay, first good roll of the night.

  • MATT: All right, there we go.

  • Your luck is changing now.

  • LAURA: Changing it around.

  • TRAVIS: Let me touch you.

  • MATT: You feel pretty stealthy.

  • You guys look like, wait, where the hell did Vax go?

  • MARISHA: Oh shit, I hope he didn't hear me just say that about him.

  • Dammit.

  • LAURA: Oh thank you, brother.

  • TALIESIN: I'm having a serious Tom Sawyer island vibe.

  • LAURA: I found him.

  • LIAM: Looks fine.

  • MATT: About four hours--

  • MARISHA: Are there any drafts?

  • Do I feel any wind flows or anything like that?

  • MATT: No.

  • It is still.

  • It is stagnant air.

  • (Laura coughs)

  • Even more stagnant now.

  • Four hours of traveling deeper into this tunnel's path

  • until--

  • LAURA: Anybody else have to go to the bathroom?

  • TRAVIS: He rolled, he rolled something.

  • LAURA: Oh no, he rolled.

  • MARISHA: And so, that is how I spent my 12th birthday.

  • SAM: Great story, Keyleth.

  • And, yeah.

  • MARISHA: Let's see, what else.

  • TRAVIS: Hey Scanlan, you kill me, I kill you.

  • LIAM: There a great little cave alcove here,

  • perfect for peeing in.

  • LAURA: Oh brother, good to see you.

  • LIAM: For everyone to pee.

  • LAURA: Am I over here, or am I over here?

  • Perhaps we could take a pee break here

  • and proceed further into the mines.

  • MARISHA: I agree with that.

  • LAURA: That's a good idea.

  • LIAM: Do you catch my drift?

  • MATT: As the four hour mark of travel

  • into this tunnel presents itself,

  • the tunnel finally widens and opens.

  • As the sound of distant water rushing reaches your ears.

  • LAURA: Oh no, I have to go to the bathroom.

  • MATT: As Tiberius steps into this opening,

  • the light cascades into this new cavern.

  • A large, beautiful open space presents itself,

  • a good 100-foot-up ceiling.

  • From what you can see, a roaring river is now

  • pouring out of the nearby rock, cascading over a cliffside

  • into a waterfall down into this deeper,

  • giant cavernous space.

  • LAURA: What about the tracks?

  • MATT: The tracks continue in the direction of that river.

  • MARISHA: Into the river?

  • Like it goes into the water?

  • LAURA: Do we want to step into the room fully?

  • MARISHA: Why don't we send--

  • LAURA: I'm gonna stealth. I'm gonna stealth, too.

  • MARISHA: Stealth twins.

  • ORION: Do I detect any magic?

  • Stealth twins, 2015.

  • MATT: You detect no magic.

  • You roll stealth.

  • LAURA: 17.

  • MATT: Let's go ahead and take a bio break--

  • LAURA: Okay.

  • MATT: --as the mystery begins to unveil.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: I love a mystery.

  • MATT: Be back here in about five, ten minutes, folks.

  • So keep an ear out.

  • TRAVIS: Quick, quick break.

  • ORION: I'm gonna pee my face off.

  • (Liam imitates rushing water)

  • MATT: We'll be right back.

  • ORION: Enjoy our butt shots, everybody.

  • MATT: And everyone runs off to take care of their business.

  • TRAVIS: Right, listen up.

  • If you have ale, then you have a friend in Grog Strongjaw.

  • A goliath of towering height and size,

  • this barbarian has an appetite for the two--

  • [audio resets]

  • TRAVIS: Right, listen up.

  • If you have ale, then you have a friend in Grog Strongjaw.

  • A goliath of towering height and size,

  • this barbarian has an appetite for the two

  • great loves in his life: combat, women, and ale.

  • (record scratches)

  • Wait.

  • Easily the brains of the group, Grog is often consulted

  • for his vast knowledge of shapes, colors, and shiny things.

  • Also ale.

  • In his early years, armed with his two-handed great axe,

  • Grog often enjoyed proving his might amongst the ranks

  • of his family's wandering herd.

  • But after coming upon an unsuspecting, elderly gnome

  • in the woods, he objected to the killing

  • of such an innocent life.

  • A creature of impulse, Grog felt only pity

  • for this, this terrified little thing.

  • [no audio]

  • TRAVIS: Right, listen up.

  • If you have ale, then you have a friend in Grog Strongjaw.

  • A goliath of towering height and size,

  • this barbarian has an appetite for the two great loves

  • in his life: combat, women, and ale.

  • (record scratching)

  • Wait.

  • Easily the brains of the group, Grog is often consulted

  • for his vast knowledge of shapes, colors, and shiny things.

  • Also ale.

  • In his early years, armed with his two-handed great axe,

  • Grog often enjoyed proving his might amongst the ranks

  • of his family's wandering herd.

  • But after coming upon an unsuspecting elderly gnome

  • in the woods, he objected to the killing

  • of such an innocent life.

  • A creature of impulse, Grog felt only pity

  • for this, this terrified little thing.

  • His disobedience cost him dearly.

  • Beaten bloody and banished by the herd leader,

  • his uncle Kevdak, Grog was abandoned and left to die.

  • Exiled from his herd, it was then that the relative

  • of the very gnome he fought to save, saved him.

  • It was the kindness of a gnome cleric named Pike

  • that healed Grog, bringing him back from death's edge.

  • And they have remained close friends ever since.

  • Most nights, Grog can be found challenging entire taverns

  • to wrestling matches.

  • Or accompanying Scanlan to the nearest house

  • where you pay for lady favors.

  • Also ale.

  • MARISHA: A first impression of Keyleth

  • would leave you with little information

  • on the half-elven druid.

  • You might even think that her social awkwardness

  • due to her sheltered upbringing is kind of sweet.

  • Of course, it would be unwise to underestimate her

  • based on first impressions.

  • (lightning roars)

  • Under that unintimidating petite frame

  • is a vicious beast waiting to be unleashed,

  • whose natural powers have made even the fiercest

  • of champions pee their pants.

  • Literally.

  • Born to the air tribe of the Ashari people,

  • Keyleth was raised with a deep love of nature

  • and the elemental magics.

  • It is her people's inherent duty

  • to protect the delicate areas in Tal'Dorei,

  • where the four elemental planes begin to bleed

  • with this realm.

  • Since she was a little girl, she had quite a knack

  • for air manipulation and beast shaping abilities.

  • Well, if you consider kittens and flying squirrels

  • to be little beasts, which I do.

  • Anyways, it wasn't long before the headmaster

  • of the tribe, her father, Kohren,

  • realized her true prodigious abilities

  • and she was inveterated to succeed him

  • as the next headmaster.

  • Just like that, her jovial childhood was stripped

  • and replaced with endless spell memorization,

  • teachings from ancient traditions,

  • and exceedingly high expectations.

  • Every druid leader-to-be must embark

  • on a journey to seek out the sister tribes

  • in order to introduce and establish respect

  • amongst the fellow headmasters.

  • They call this the Aramente, or Noble Odyssey.

  • When her father felt she was ready, he set her on the path

  • to truly discovering herself.

  • Not knowing when, or if, she will ever return.

  • As she hikes down the mountain towards Stillben,

  • she meditated on the task ahead.

  • Part of the Aramente is proving yourself a strong warrior,

  • a valiant protector, and a wise and compassionate leader.

  • With this knowledge, one thought plays in repeat

  • in her mind:

  • Is she even worthy?

  • TALIESIN: Percy was the third child of seven children,

  • born to a noble family who lived far to the north

  • in the ancient castle of Whitestone.

  • With so many siblings to share the burdens of lordship,

  • Percy turned his attention to the sciences, engineering,

  • and naturalism.

  • One day, a mysterious couple named Lord and Lady Briarwood

  • came to court.

  • During a feast held in their honor, the Briarwoods

  • violently took control of the castle,

  • killing or imprisoning everyone who would stand

  • in their way.

  • Percy awoke chained in the dungeon,

  • only to be freed by his younger sister.

  • Together they fled, chased by the Briarwoods' men.

  • As they ran, Percy's sister took several arrows

  • to the chest and fell.

  • Percy kept running, eventually jumping into a freezing river

  • and floating unconscious to freedom.

  • He did not remember waking up on a fishing boat.

  • He barely remembered the next two years,

  • as he slowly made his way as far south as possible.

  • Then one night, Percy had a dream.

  • A roaring cloud of smoke offered him vengeance

  • against those who destroyed his family.

  • When he awoke, Percy began to design his first gun.

  • (gun cocking)

  • (gun firing)

  • SAM: Oh, you haven't heard of Scanlan Shorthalt?

  • Well, gird your loins, ladies,

  • because he has his eye on you.

  • A talented musician, master of disguise,

  • and dashingly handsome in his own mind,

  • Scanlan sings songs almost as much

  • as he sings his own praises.

  • Born a poor gnome, Scanlan used his endless charm

  • and soaring tenor voice to croon for coin

  • and support his single mother.

  • One day he was discovered by a half-orc promoter

  • and joined Dr. Dranzel's Spectacular Traveling Troupe,

  • where he learned the ways of the world

  • and honed his skills as a bard extraordinaire.

  • A loner much of his life, Scanlan has never quite come

  • to terms with the violent death of his mother

  • at the hands of a goblin invasion.

  • While his years on the road provided many,

  • shall we say, educational experiences with the opposite sex,

  • deep down Scanlan yearns for the one thing he's never known:

  • the true love of a fellow gnome.

  • Still, Scanlan considers himself a lover first,

  • performer second, and fighter distant third.

  • On the battlefield, he'll support his allies

  • but rarely draws blood unless it's

  • to protect fellow gnome Pike.

  • Count on Scanlan for a hearty laugh, a rollicking song,

  • and a twinkle in his eye that melts hearts

  • and makes the females swoon.

  • ORION: (clears throat) Greetings and salutations.

  • I am Tiberius Stormwind.

  • I hail from a town called Ty'rex, located in the heart

  • of Draconia, from a politically respected family.

  • At the age of 15, I succeeded

  • in passing the Sorcerer's Rite, showing prodigy-like control

  • of my magic.

  • The judges and the Draconian high council were amazed

  • at how powerful my spells were

  • for how long I had been training.

  • At 20 years old, I was the youngest appointed member

  • of the magic guild in Draconian history.

  • For the next few years, I almost went mad from the malaise

  • of being a guild member, as it's rather boring.

  • However, one day I happened upon a chamber,

  • unused for quite some time.

  • In the room were stacks of books and maps

  • of the surrounding cities and areas around the known world.

  • For months I would frequent the chamber

  • and learned of artifacts from legend.

  • After a long period of research, I made a list of artifacts

  • that caught my eye.

  • I brought these findings to the high council

  • and was told that all of the information in the chamber

  • I stumbled upon was either believed to be fiction

  • or unsolvable mysteries and hence were lost forever.

  • I found those answers to be unacceptable.

  • A year later I devised a ruse and managed

  • to convince the city council to lend support in me

  • leaving Draconia on a mission of peace and diplomacy

  • for the surrounding kingdoms.

  • Going from town to town and making friends and allies,

  • in and for the name of Draconia.

  • Being a red dragonborn, I had quite the task on my hands

  • in that respect, but it was exactly what I needed,

  • so I could explore the world and find these artifacts,

  • as I felt the truth was out there.

  • Some may describe me as buffoonish,

  • but I say poppycock to all that. (stammers)

  • I am much sharper than most give me credit for.

  • I just don't pay attention to things sometimes.

  • I've also been known to be rather cunning, loyal,

  • happy-go-lucky, and well, dangerous.

  • I can't help but show my true scales every now and then.

  • But overall, I think I'm quite friendly for a dragonborn.

  • LIAM: Never entirely welcome in the company

  • of elves or men, Vax'ildan learned at a young age

  • to skip past formality, preferring instead

  • to invite himself in your door.

  • Along with twin sister Vex'ahlia, Vax was born

  • by a chance encounter between elven royalty

  • and human peasantry.

  • Raised by their mother in their early years, the twins

  • were eventually sent off to their father

  • in the elven capital of Syngorn.

  • But their cool reception among the elves there never warmed,

  • and their time in the capital didn't last.

  • The siblings stole away one autumn night

  • and set out on the open road.

  • After a few years of wandering, they eventually

  • decided to return to their mother

  • and journeyed back to the lands of their youth.

  • But instead of finding their childhood home,

  • they returned to a pile of rubble.

  • Their mother was gone, their home burned to ash.

  • Pressing the townspeople for answers,

  • they learned of the day the dragon came.

  • With their ties all severed, Vax'ildan and his sister

  • set out to find their fortune together in Tal'Dorei.

  • An outsider since birth, Vax quickly learned

  • to solve life's challenges in his own particular way,

  • often by sidestepping them entirely.

  • And when his knack for circumventing adversity isn't enough--

  • (sword slicing)

  • --the way of blades the elves schooled him in

  • more than makes up the difference.

  • LAURA: Like so many half-elves, Vex'ahlia

  • has spent most of her life suffering the cool reception

  • of a people who don't fully accept her.

  • Born of a human mother and an elven father,

  • who only later in life took an interest in their existence,

  • Vex'ahlia and her twin brother Vax'ildan

  • quickly realized the only people they could truly rely on

  • in this world were each other.

  • It was at the age of ten when the two were taken

  • from their mother and brought to live in Syngorn,

  • the isolated elven city for which their father

  • was an ambassador.

  • He quietly took them in but always kept an icy distance,

  • and after too many years of disdainful looks,

  • the pair decided to leave his indifference behind

  • and set out on their own.

  • Vax took to the cities, stealing small trinkets

  • and learning the ways of the thief,

  • while Vex kept to the woods.

  • She preferred the isolation.

  • Always the keen observer, she learned

  • to hunt and to track, to spy and to shoot.

  • And through a series of fateful events,

  • earned herself a companion in the form of a bear,

  • her own stolen Trinket,

  • to fight alongside her and protect her fiercely.

  • Also, he is adorable and gives expert massages.

  • PRODUCER: And back to you.

  • Welcome back.

  • Thank you for waiting.

  • We've all had our fill of snacks, drinks,

  • and relieving ourselves of the ones we had earlier.

  • So, before we return, we actually want to thank you guys

  • for having all the subscriptions you have.

  • Since we started playing, we hit a thousand very quickly.

  • You guys are awesome.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah!

  • So thank you for that.

  • Big round of applause.

  • TRAVIS: Round of applause.

  • Subscriptions have been awesome.

  • And as such, we have a winner for these evening's event.

  • Hi, Tiberius.

  • ORION: Sorry everyone.

  • Tiberius has returned.

  • So, in character as always.

  • So, the winner of the evening is going to win

  • both a signed photo of the cast of Critical Role

  • as well as a signed Player's Handbook of D&D's 5th Edition

  • is: (clears throat)

  • SAM: Visitor.

  • (group laughs)

  • No, on the backside.

  • The winner is Yareth.

  • Congratulations.

  • Thank you for subscribing and paying attention

  • and being in the chatroom and being awesome.

  • We're gonna go ahead and get your information,

  • and we're gonna make sure that you

  • get our awesome first Critical Role giveaway.

  • (group cheers and claps)

  • Well done, Yareth. Thank you for coming.

  • MARISHA: Yareth.

  • (group repeats Yalreth in funny voices)

  • MATT: All right.

  • (Marisha speaks gibberish)

  • LIAM: Enjoy your Player's Handbook 5E.

  • MATT: (laughs) Hopefully more to come down the road.

  • We'll have more fun things for you guys.

  • So, anyway.

  • So, bringing it back to the game at hand.

  • As you've stepped into this large, cavernous space,

  • you can hear the rush of water as the underground river

  • begins to turn into a waterfall and drifts

  • into a smaller body of water.

  • It's just out of sight beyond this cliff face.

  • Into this open, cavernous area.

  • LAURA: Oh, we just stealthed.

  • MATT: You guys also stealthed, and what did you roll for stealth?

  • LAURA: I rolled 17.

  • MATT: 17, got it. All right.

  • LIAM: Oh, less than that.

  • LAURA: You didn't.

  • LIAM: Oh, no I didn't, 18.

  • MATT: All right.

  • LAURA: You were already stealthed, though.

  • LIAM: That's true.

  • MATT: As you guys step into this space,

  • there are sections of large rock,

  • portions of stone that just jut out

  • and block off portions from your view of this area.

  • Giant stalagmites and stalactites that

  • just permeate the entirety of this cavern,

  • which has been long, just building and building

  • with elements drawn from the ceiling,

  • from the waters that flow through.

  • You also faintly see a light source--

  • LAURA: (whispers) Oh no.

  • MATT: --behind one of those rock pillars in the distance.

  • LAURA: (whispers) Should we go check it out?

  • LIAM: Do we perceive anything in here with us

  • before going that far in, yes?

  • MATT: Make a perception check.

  • LIAM: 18.

  • MATT: 18?

  • LIAM: Yes.

  • MATT: You hear a very, very faint sound in the distance.

  • (sharp noise)

  • SAM: Jesus.

  • (laughing)

  • ORION: Did you hear that?

  • MATT: That's not the sound.

  • Tiberius.

  • ORION: I'm sorry.

  • LAURA: I have a passive perception of 21.

  • MATT: Yes you do.

  • You hear a:

  • (clicks tongue quickly)

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • SAM: A skittering.

  • MATT: (continues clicking)

  • LIAM: I might hear spiders.

  • MARISHA: Oh.

  • LAURA: Ugh.

  • TRAVIS: Or crab.

  • LIAM: Or something.

  • MARISHA: Making it old school.

  • SAM: Maybe it's a very faint maraca dance of some sort.

  • LAURA: What direction is it coming from?

  • TRAVIS: That would be better.

  • MATT: It's hard to tell at this point, it seems to be

  • just kind of loosely atmospheric.

  • TRAVIS: Is the light coming from over the water?

  • MATT: The very, very faint light you see, no.

  • It's adjacent to the water to the right of you.

  • TRAVIS: Okay.

  • LIAM: I think we're dealing with spiders.

  • MATT: (continues clicking)

  • LAURA: I think you guys should hang back,

  • and we should stealth over and see how many it looks like

  • we're dealing with.

  • LIAM: The twins will creep forward.

  • MATT: Okay. You both creep forward.

  • LAURA: Trinket stays with the group. Trinket, stay with Grog.

  • ORION: I'm gonna dispel my light spell.

  • MATT: Pitch darkness falls upon all of you.

  • TRAVIS: What did you do that for?

  • SAM: Because now they don't know where we are.

  • LAURA: But we can't see anything.

  • TRAVIS: They're spiders.

  • MARISHA: While he does that,

  • I'm gonna go ahead and turn into a cave bear.

  • ORION: Can you not see now?

  • LAURA: We can see in dim light.

  • MARISHA: Cave bears have darkvision.

  • MARISHA: I'm pretty sure.

  • LIAM: No, dim light only.

  • MATT: Do they?

  • LAURA: What'd you turn into?

  • ORION: It doesn't matter, do you want me to turn it back on?

  • TALIESIN: A cave bear.

  • MARISHA: Yeah, subterranean bears, they have darkvision.

  • MATT: All right. So.

  • SAM: He can just make light again.

  • MATT: Go ahead and roll a perception check.

  • LIAM: Turn it back on.

  • MARISHA: No, leave it off!

  • ORION: I dispel it again, I'm sorry.

  • MARISHA: Fuck! Fuck!

  • MATT: Light, light light, light light.

  • TALIESIN: How did you do that?

  • MARISHA: It's been a bad night.

  • LAURA: Oh no.

  • MARISHA: 12 total.

  • LIAM: Clap on (claps), clap off. (claps)

  • MATT: As you glance about in cave bear form,

  • you look up and all you can make out is shifting movement

  • across the ceiling.

  • (group groans at once)

  • MATT: But it's large.

  • It's not a small creature.

  • You glance off to your left and you look up

  • and you see a second one.

  • LAURA: Oh no. TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

  • MATT: And both dislodge.

  • LAURA: Oh no!

  • MATT: All of you hear two loud, cacophonous,

  • thunderous slam sounds-- (imitates loud thudding)

  • LAURA: Definitely hit light now.

  • MATT: --on the ground next to you-- (screeching noise)

  • LIAM: I quickly whisper to my sister, to the boundaries.

  • MARISHA: And I just go: (roaring noise)

  • ORION: Light!

  • MATT: All right.

  • LIAM: Vex and Vax dance backwards against the walls.

  • MATT: There is a surprise round.

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • (group groans)

  • TRAVIS: Oh God.

  • LIAM: But I heard them.

  • MARISHA: I know. (roars)

  • LAURA: Transform back.

  • MATT: All right.

  • So you guys are stealthed off to the side there.

  • LIAM: That's beautiful.

  • LAURA: I'm on the other side.

  • LIAM: Look at that fun map.

  • MATT: There's Trinket.

  • LIAM: Thank you, Matt, for doing all the work

  • on these maps and shit.

  • MATT: That's what I do.

  • So there's the water there, rushing off into the waterfall

  • that goes further down.

  • LAURA: Can I stealth against the other wall?

  • TRAVIS: Waterfall is where on that map?

  • MATT: The waterfall is right here.

  • TRAVIS: Got it.

  • MATT: So the river kind of pours over, falls into the water below.

  • There are some of these large rock elements here.

  • SAM: What are they?

  • MATT: You cannot tell what's beyond this area,

  • which is where the light source is coming from.

  • (imitates thudding)

  • LAURA: Oh no! (group groans)

  • (imitates thudding)

  • TRAVIS: Those look like umber hulks.

  • MATT: They are.

  • (group screams)

  • You've had one brief run-in with a single umber hulk

  • in the past.

  • LAURA: Now we have two.

  • As two slam into the ground beside you,

  • dropping from the ceiling portion.

  • LAURA: Fudge!

  • TRAVIS: I have their claws still.

  • LAURA: Wait, do you guys remember--

  • (Matt growls and snarls)

  • LAURA: Do they respond to vibration?

  • ORION: I cast stoneskin on myself immediately.

  • You don't have that much time, unfortunately.

  • Because they are upon you, it a surprise round.

  • TRAVIS: Shit!

  • LAURA: Do they respond to vibration?

  • I forget.

  • TRAVIS: They responded to something.

  • MATT: They respond to the something.

  • LAURA: Can we remember with investigation or insight?

  • LIAM: Limericks, limericks, they respond to limericks.

  • MATT: So this one shifts up over there,

  • and this one moves up to there.

  • Gleans past you, as it does not notice you.

  • LAURA: Yeah, but it's still big.

  • MATT: This one comes towards you, Percy.

  • TALIESIN: Damn it.

  • MATT: Attacking you with each of its claws and its mandibles.

  • The first strike comes at you with a 13 to hit

  • with its first claw.

  • What's your AC?

  • TALIESIN: Ah, 17.

  • MATT: You, woomf, just manage to dodge out of the way

  • as these giant-bladed claws sweep next to your face.

  • The second strike comes to you at a 21.

  • TRAVIS: Oh shit. That hits.

  • TALIESIN: That hits.

  • I'm going to use a gunslinger's dodge.

  • LAURA: Gunslinger's dodge.

  • TALIESIN: Wait, let's see if I can do this.

  • It's not enough, nevermind, so no.

  • I just gotta take it.

  • MATT: All right, so the claw finds purchase across your torso.

  • (imitates claw slicing) The armor catches most of it.

  • However, the slash does leave an impact on you,

  • as you can feel the taste of iron

  • in the back of your throat.

  • You suffer nine points of slashing damage.

  • TALIESIN: Oh, okay.

  • MATT: And just as you pull back the mandibles,

  • time to crunch down upon you.

  • And that is going to be a 27 to hit.

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • TRAVIS: Do their eyes do something?

  • MATT: You take 14 points of slashing damage,

  • as the mandibles slice down, clamping onto your shoulder.

  • You manage to pull free, but in doing so,

  • you wrench the pointed portions of the mandible

  • across your shoulder, pulling open the flesh

  • in this horrible jagged pattern.

  • TALIESIN: Ow.

  • MATT: That brings us to the other one,

  • who is attacking Grog.

  • MARISHA: Grog!

  • You're right there in front of it.

  • The biggest and most viable visual it can find.

  • SAM: ♫ No motherfucker, miss

  • I start singing using my Cutting Words reaction.

  • To try to distract him.

  • MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll your d8

  • to reduce his attack roll.

  • TRAVIS: (laughs) No motherfucker, miss.

  • SAM: d8?

  • MATT: d8.

  • SAM: Three.

  • MATT: All right.

  • That would have been a 20 to hit.

  • That brings it to a 17.

  • TRAVIS: 18.

  • (group cheers)

  • SAM: I saved your life!

  • MATT: So, as you begin singing out,

  • as it pulls back with--

  • SAM: ♫ No motherfucker

  • MATT: --its mandibles to strike at Grog,

  • it (clicks) looks off to you for a second,

  • goes back, at which point Grog has put his axe

  • up to its face and is holding it at bay.

  • As its mandibles are tied in with its blades,

  • and the handle of the axe is trying to hold it back.

  • It strikes at you with its two claws, Grog.

  • That is going to be a 27.

  • TRAVIS: That hits.

  • MATT: And a 14.

  • TRAVIS: Misses.

  • MATT: Okay, then from the one claw that gets you,

  • you take six points of slashing damage.

  • TRAVIS: Okay.

  • MATT: All right everyone, roll initiative.

  • (group groans)

  • LAURA: I'm so scared to roll.

  • MARISHA: I know, it's been so bad.

  • SAM: Best one of I've had.

  • TALIESIN: Ah, not horrible.

  • LAURA: Oh, good.

  • TRAVIS: Ball sack.

  • MARISHA: Uh, it's okay.

  • MATT: All right, so, 25 to 20?

  • LAURA: 24.

  • MATT: 24.

  • TRAVIS: There you go. A little redemption.

  • LAURA: That's right.

  • MATT: Nice, we got some Vex up top.

  • 20 to 15 anyone?

  • TALIESIN: 17.

  • MARISHA: 17 as well.

  • SAM: 19.

  • TRAVIS: Ah, yeah.

  • LIAM: 15, 15.

  • MATT: All right, got some Scanlan up there.

  • 17, 17.

  • LAURA: (whispers) They're both surrounding me even with my awesome things.

  • MATT: Percy, Keyleth.

  • MATT: So 15 to--

  • LIAM: 15.

  • MATT: 15.

  • ORION: 13.

  • TRAVIS: I'm 14.

  • Tiberius and I are 13-14.

  • LAURA: Ugh, come on Grog!

  • MATT: Wait, uh, 14?

  • ORION: 13.

  • MATT: 14.

  • Grog and Tiberius.

  • TRAVIS: It's the ghost pepper cookies.

  • MATT: All right, cool.

  • Top of the round.

  • Vex.

  • LAURA: Hyah!

  • I am going to shoot the one.

  • MATT: Before you do that--

  • SAM: Oh, shit!

  • MATT: As you're going to reach back, you look over

  • into its strange, glistening, black, dead, insect-like eyes

  • of the umber hulk, and you feel this strange wave

  • of mental confusion hit your head.

  • Go ahead and make a--

  • TRAVIS: I knew it.

  • MATT: Go ahead and make a saving throw.

  • This is going to be charisma saving throw.

  • MARISHA: Is this what confused you and had you running out the door?

  • TRAVIS: I fell out a fucking 120 foot hole.

  • MATT: So you roll d20, add your charisma saving throw

  • at the top of your character.

  • LAURA: Okay, so I gotta do my math.

  • That's 11, but I get a plus two from my ring

  • that I'm wearing for saving throws, so.

  • MATT: Okay, so it's 13.

  • LAURA: 13.

  • MATT: All right.

  • The wave of confusion takes hold over your brain.

  • (group groans)

  • We're gonna go ahead and find out what happens.

  • (Laura groans)

  • TRAVIS: Maybe he'll ask you to make some cookies.

  • MATT: All right--

  • LAURA: You're gonna have me do nothing wrong?

  • MATT: You reach for it, and you space out for a second.

  • Your hands fall to your side.

  • And you stand there.

  • TRAVIS: Aw, fuck.

  • MATT: Trinket is looking for some sort of cue

  • from you of what to do.

  • LAURA: Does he look confused too?

  • MATT: No, but Trinket's looking to you

  • for some sort of direction and is getting none.

  • This is a very clustered space, too.

  • Can barely see you over this.

  • MATT: That brings us to Scanlan.

  • LAURA: But I was stealthed, though.

  • SAM: Don't worry, I'll help you my dear.

  • MATT: I know. Doesn't matter if you're stealthed.

  • He couldn't see you, but you could see him.

  • SAM: I'm gonna take a step back behind Trinket.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • (Travis Laughs)

  • LAURA: Good call.

  • SAM: Actually, wait. How far am I from my furthest--

  • MATT: Are you averting your gaze from the guys,

  • or are you looking at 'em directly?

  • SAM: No, averting my gaze.

  • But how far am I from my--

  • LAURA: Nobody look at them.

  • SAM: --my furthest fellow?

  • Oh, I'm 60 feet, okay.

  • And I sing my counter-charm song.

  • Magic magic, go away, come again another day

  • So all of us have advantage on saving throws

  • for the charming spells.

  • If they are charming us.

  • I don't know if they are.

  • MATT: This is confusion.

  • SAM: No, what?

  • MATT: I don't think--

  • SAM: Frightened or charmed, it's not the same thing?

  • MATT: Mm.

  • This is technically a confusion effect.

  • So yeah.

  • SAM: Okay.

  • LAURA: Oh, wait. Oh, no.

  • SAM: Okay.

  • MATT: So as you finish your song, you're like--

  • SAM: It did not work.

  • MATT: Doesn't seem to be having an effect unfortunately.

  • SAM: Okay.

  • And then as my bonus action, who got hit first?

  • You did?

  • I'll just throw a healing word to him.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • Just go ahead and roll, feeling him.

  • That's a d4 plus five.

  • Yeah, you got it.

  • Percy.

  • TALIESIN: Mm.

  • MATT: You heal--

  • SAM: What is this?

  • MATT: It's a four.

  • SAM: Oh, that's a four. Okay.

  • MATT: So you heal nine hit points, and it's your turn.

  • What do you got, Percy?

  • TALIESIN: Up to 58, let me just fix that, there we go.

  • Okay, where am I on the board?

  • MATT: You are right here in front--

  • TALIESIN: Okay, so there's no getting away.

  • I'm gonna-- I can basically without--

  • I remember I'm not supposed to look at these things.

  • I know where this thing is.

  • I can pull my gun and just take a shot, right?

  • MATT: So averting your gaze, you take a shot.

  • You are at disadvantage on the attack roll.

  • TALIESIN: How much?

  • MATT: Just disadvantage.

  • TALIESIN: I'm just disadvantage?

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • TALIESIN: Well okay, that's fine.

  • I'm gonna spend a grit point for a deadshot,

  • so I'm gonna get a plus one to hit.

  • MATT: All right. TRAVIS: Come on, Perce.

  • TALIESIN: Aha!

  • That will be a-- with the plus one, that's a 28, 29, 30 to hit.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • TRAVIS: Get after it, nasty!

  • MATT: Roll again, as you have disadvantage.

  • Because you're not looking at it directly.

  • LAURA: Ugh, please be good.

  • TALIESIN: That's still 25 to hit.

  • MATT: That hits.

  • TALIESIN: 26, actually.

  • MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.

  • TALIESIN: And then I get extra damage because I did deadshot.

  • So that's plus one, so that will be a--

  • it's a 2d8 plus five plus ice, because I'm hitting

  • with my ice shot.

  • And that's seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12.

  • 14 points of ice damage.

  • MATT: 14 points of ice damage. Nice.

  • TALIESIN: And then I have a second shot

  • and I'm just gonna take one more shot at him really quick.

  • MATT: Okay, also at disadvantage.

  • TALIESIN: I fail.

  • In fact, my gun jams.

  • (group groans)

  • MATT: Okay.

  • So as you go to fire, it's like you-- (imitates gun firing)

  • fire the first shot averting the gaze.

  • LAURA: We're all gonna die.

  • You spin the barrel, go back to go ahead and fire again,

  • as you do (imitates gun clicking)

  • You pull the trigger for a second, and you feel a slight

  • (imitates fizzled explosion) inside the barrel.

  • TRAVIS: Damn it!

  • MARISHA: Oh, no.

  • MATT: And you feel the actual metal get extremely cold,

  • and you have you have to shake it out like, aw, damn it.

  • TALIESIN: Since I can't move, I'm gonna--

  • my movement, my minor is gonna be just fixing my-- yeah, so.

  • MATT: Okay, so your action is just trying to fix the gun?

  • TALIESIN: Yeah.

  • MATT: All right.

  • That brings us to--

  • TALIESIN: Damn.

  • MATT: Keyleth.

  • LAURA: Keyleth, don't look at them.

  • MARISHA: Okay.

  • MATT: Just as a note, your inspiration dice that you give

  • can be used on saving throws as well.

  • SAM: Okay.

  • But I haven't given any.

  • MATT: No.

  • MARISHA: Um, I'm a bear right now.

  • MATT: You are a bear, which I will, for the sake of this,

  • give you the kitty.

  • MARISHA: Bring out Minxie.

  • TRAVIS: Minxie.

  • MATT: Minxie is the form, but you are a bear.

  • MARISHA: Okay, first and foremost, I'm gonna go ahead--

  • and I don't know if this is gonna help.

  • But I'm gonna throw up a fog cloud.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • MARISHA: Maybe.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • MARISHA: No?

  • MATT: So fog cloud.

  • The entire space, it's a 20 foot radius?

  • I believe, if I recall from the one he did yesterday.

  • MARISHA: But it screws our vision, though, doesn't it?

  • LAURA: Well, yeah.

  • MATT: Everybody gets obscured vision.

  • MARISHA: But I mean, we wouldn't be able to see them.

  • Would it help with the confusion is what I'm hoping.

  • LAURA: That could help, that could help.

  • SAM: Do your thing. Do what you do.

  • MARISHA: Or would it be bad?

  • LAURA: Try it.

  • Do it, Keyleth, go with your instincts.

  • TALIESIN: Don't think about what's the worst that could possibly happen.

  • MARISHA: I'm bursting out a fog cloud, and then--

  • MATT: Well to cast, you have to get out

  • of creature form, remember?

  • MARISHA: Oh, that's right.

  • I didn't throw a bow.

  • MATT: So you're a bear.

  • MARISHA: I'm a bear.

  • Nevermind, I'm just gonna do a full round of attacks.

  • LIAM: It's go time, go time! (claps)

  • MARISHA: That one right there.

  • LAURA: Keep your eyes closed.

  • MATT: All right, so you move up to there.

  • Go ahead and do your full round of attacks.

  • MATT: I am doing multi-attack.

  • MATT: Okay, are you averting your gaze or not?

  • MARISHA: I'm a cave bear, I'm blind.

  • I'm like a blind fish.

  • I have darkvision and, like, cataracts.

  • MATT: Darkvision means you can see in the dark.

  • MATT: But it doesn't mean that you don't see.

  • (Sam laughs)

  • MARISHA: Well I'm a bear.

  • MATT: You are a bear.

  • I'm eating at his leg.

  • I'm not looking at his eyes.

  • I'm not, like, waxing poetically at how sexy he is.

  • MATT: No.

  • MARISHA: Not whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

  • MATT: I know.

  • MARISHA: I'm gnawing at his leg.

  • MATT: That's true.

  • LIAM: Go for the kill!

  • MATT: Make a charisma saving throw.

  • MARISHA: Make a charisma saving throw?

  • MATT: Yes.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • LAURA: Next time just avert your gaze.

  • [Taliesin And Marisha] Oh!

  • MARISHA: That's good.

  • 16.

  • MATT: 16?

  • You can feel the oppression of the umber hulk's gaze,

  • but you shrug it off, your bear mind not affected

  • by the measly tricks and traits--

  • MARISHA: Urgh, I'm a bear!

  • MATT: -of these strange underground entities.

  • MARISHA: Okay.

  • Now I'm attacking.

  • MATT: Roll for your four attacks.

  • MARISHA: First one probably misses.

  • With my claw, 14.

  • MATT: 14 misses.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: She got a pizza.

  • MARISHA: With the claw attacks, do I have two claw attacks,

  • do I roll for both?

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • MARISHA: Okay, so the first one is 19,

  • MATT: Hits.

  • MARISHA: Second one, second claw attack is 18.

  • MATT: Also hits.

  • MARISHA: Okay.

  • So I am doing 2d6 plus five twice.

  • So six plus--

  • TALIESIN: It's 11.

  • MARISHA: Five, so 11.

  • TALIESIN: Ooh.

  • MARISHA: Plus 17--

  • 20 damage.

  • MATT: 20 damage. Nice.

  • TALIESIN: 25.

  • MARISHA: Oh, 25.

  • Sorry, 25.

  • MATT: All righty.

  • TALIESIN: Yes.

  • MARISHA: 25 damage.

  • MATT: So, as you shake off the effect, you reach for it,

  • lashing out, two large strikes.

  • The second one gets a distinct carve into the back

  • of the umber hulk's hide.

  • You can see a portion of its chitinous back armor

  • gets kind of pulled off in a chunk.

  • And it (snarls), reels back from the impact

  • and readies itself for a second round of attacks.

  • MARISHA: Me and Trinket.

  • MATT: There you go.

  • MARISHA: Going at this.

  • (Matt laughs)

  • MARISHA: Bear style.

  • MATT: They go.

  • This one turns towards and moves this way to focus

  • on the cave bear that just thrashed against its hide.

  • While this one turns and moves in towards Grog.

  • But now turns and sees the-- actually no.

  • It stays there, fixed to Grog.

  • So making its multi-strike against you, Keyleth.

  • That is a 26 to hit.

  • MARISHA: Hits.

  • MATT: That's mandibles.

  • 17 to hit with its claw.

  • MARISHA: Hits.

  • MATT: And 18 to hit with its claw.

  • MARISHA: Hits.

  • MATT: All right, so you take six points of slashing damage

  • from the first claw.

  • Eight points of slashing damage from the second claw.

  • And then the mandibles deal fifteen points

  • of slashing damage, as the umber hulk just turns to you,

  • and as a reaction to your assault--

  • MARISHA: What was the last one?

  • MATT: The last one was 15.

  • Just unleashes an array of strikes against you.

  • (Matt growls)

  • LIAM: Hit it in the face.

  • MATT: That brings us to the other one who's attacking you, Grog.

  • MARISHA: Back at him, yeah.

  • MATT: That is a 12 to hit. Pretty sure misses.

  • TRAVIS: Misses.

  • MATT: Another 12 to hit, 'cause it likes to roll fours, apparently.

  • TRAVIS: Give me another four.

  • MATT: For the mandibles, it's a 20.

  • TRAVIS: 20 hits.

  • MATT: You're taking damage, fool.

  • That is 18 points of slashing damage against you.

  • TRAVIS: I have a half damage to all bludgeoning, piercing,

  • and slashing damage?

  • MATT: You haven't raged yet.

  • TRAVIS: So I'm not raging?!

  • MATT: You haven't raged yet!

  • It isn't your turn yet.

  • TRAVIS: But I'm so angry.

  • MATT: I know.

  • You're about to be so angry.

  • TRAVIS: 18 points.

  • MATT: You're gonna be so angry.

  • 18 points of slashing damage.

  • The mandibles crush down on your body,

  • and you can feel them pierce into your chest.

  • Your exposed musculature is then torn in a jagged form

  • as you feel the blood begin to pour down the front

  • of your torso.

  • TRAVIS: It's all right, it's okay.

  • LAURA: That's brutal.

  • TRAVIS: My turn's coming. MATT: That ends their turn.

  • Vax.

  • LIAM: So I can see what's up.

  • I saw what it did to my sister,

  • so I'm gonna jump on its back.

  • I'm gonna swivel my daggers around

  • and just stab it in the face.

  • LAURA: But keep your gaze averted.

  • LIAM: Yeah, I'm seeing the back of his fucking spine or head.

  • I'm gonna stab him in the face twice.

  • MATT: Go for it.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • LIAM: Nine--

  • 20.

  • MATT: That hits.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • So then I'll do damage.

  • The other one's an 18.

  • I rolled in advance.

  • LAURA: That counts, that counts!

  • MATT: That one, that's the one!

  • LIAM: So, 10, plus sneak attack damage, right?

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • LIAM: Yeah, okay.

  • MATT: He doesn't know you were there, you were stealthed.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • One. Four.

  • Eight.

  • Nine.

  • 13, 26, 36 damage from the first dagger.

  • MARISHA: Whoo!

  • LIAM: Face, in his face, and the next was an 18.

  • MATT: Not in his face.

  • Not in his face.

  • LIAM: Not in his face?

  • MATT: It's back.

  • LIAM: But I wanted I wanted to do this to his head.

  • Okay, whatever works.

  • TRAVIS: The reach around?

  • ORION: The old reach around stabbing.

  • LIAM: The reach around, the reach around.

  • That what I was going for.

  • And then, where's my four, 1d4.

  • One's a three, but no, just three.

  • MATT: Three, okay.

  • LIAM: With my flametongue dagger

  • which I don't know if he likes or dislikes,

  • but that's what I've done.

  • MATT: Okay, so, as you leap on its back, grab purchase

  • on one of its chitinous plates, bring your first dagger

  • forward and jam it into the side of its head,

  • as it pulls back, you hear a (snarling)

  • as it reacts to the immediate pain

  • and begins to reach one of its claws

  • to try and knock you off.

  • As you do, you put the blade back into your belt,

  • grab with your other hand, pull your other dagger,

  • and slam it into the other side of its head.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah!

  • MATT: This time it shrugs you off,

  • and you manage to just land on your feet barely,

  • behind it, still faced away from you.

  • That brings us to Grog.

  • (Travis grunts)

  • Rage.

  • MARISHA: Rage!

  • TRAVIS: Now I'm angry.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • TRAVIS: I would like to rage, and not only rage,

  • I would like to go into a frenzied rage.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • TRAVIS: For three full attacks.

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: While I'm raging so hard, that I pop all the capillaries

  • in my eyeballs, so I can't really see that well.

  • And I just swing a lot.

  • MATT: All right, I'm gonna check one thing real fast.

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, shit! Don't check, look, I'm rolling.

  • (Marisha and Laura laugh)

  • 30.

  • LIAM: There once was a bard from Nantucket.

  • (group laughs)

  • LIAM: Who got his flute caught--

  • TRAVIS: I gain one level of exhaustion with a rage hit.

  • LIAM: --in a bucket.

  • MATT: I will say, situationally, because of the fact

  • that your rage that you have advantage on the saving throw

  • against the confusion effect.

  • [Marisha and Laura] Oh.

  • Your mind is so filled with aggression.

  • TRAVIS: I got that big, like, nasty thing.

  • MATT: So make charisma saving throw.

  • TALIESIN: Oh, what a good idea.

  • TRAVIS: Is that a 20?

  • MATT: Yep.

  • LAURA: Plus one.

  • TRAVIS: 11.

  • MATT: Roll again, you have advantage.

  • LIAM: Better, better, better, no.

  • TRAVIS: Five.

  • LAURA: Oh no!

  • MATT: Let's see what happens.

  • LAURA: No!

  • ORION: Roll a two.

  • MATT: So--

  • (group groans)

  • LAURA: Now he's raging, too.

  • MATT: --as you rage--

  • MARISHA: No, dammit.

  • MATT: --you feel the influence of the umber hulk's gaze

  • pierce your eyes and the fury fills you,

  • and you reach out and slash with your axe.

  • However, it does not reach for the umber hulk.

  • Go ahead and roll an attack, Grog.

  • LAURA: Oh no, who's he hitting?

  • TRAVIS: A one!

  • (group cheers)

  • SAM: Finally!

  • MARISHA: Yes!

  • MATT: There's a loud clanging sound, as a giant, angry,

  • swooping bladed greataxe misses Tiberius's head by inches.

  • ORION: Oh!

  • Grog, what are you doing?

  • MATT: Before slamming into the stone right up against the side of the wall.

  • You can just see now this kind of loose, crazed look

  • in his eye. (growls maniacally)

  • MATT: Foam begins to gather at the side of his mouth.

  • ORION: Oh, now you're all screwed up.

  • LIAM: We have a problem.

  • LAURA: Yeah, this could be bad.

  • LIAM: We have an angry Grog.

  • MATT: Tiberius, you're up.

  • ORION: Damn it, Grog.

  • TRAVIS: It's my turn?

  • MATT: No, that's your turn.

  • TRAVIS: Oh, that's my turn.

  • MARISHA: Tiberius, help.

  • LAURA: At least your rolled a one.

  • TRAVIS: I did.

  • I didn't hurt anybody yet.

  • ORION: I look at Grog, and I'm like, will you stop it!

  • I cast Dispel Magic on him.

  • (Travis snarls)

  • MATT: Cast Dispel Magic?

  • ORION: Yeah.

  • LAURA: On Grog?

  • MATT: Okay.

  • SAM: I don't think it's magic.

  • ORION: Yeah, he's being controlled by it.

  • TRAVIS: He can do whatever.

  • LIAM: It's more natural, it's creature-based.

  • TRAVIS: She's also being controlled.

  • ORION: I know, but you're a big, hulking, crazy mofo.

  • MATT: No, it is a magical force.

  • ORION: Yes, it is.

  • MATT: Forced to make a save.

  • TRAVIS: Save me, save me.

  • MATT: Go head and make an arcana check.

  • (Sam and Laura sing along with tense background music)

  • ORION: Uh, 17.

  • MATT: 17.

  • The chaotic influence in your brain begins to dissipate,

  • and the rage-filled gaze begins

  • to fill your eyes once again,

  • this time clarifying on the umber hulk in front of you.

  • LAURA: Thanks a lot, Tiberius.

  • SAM: Thank god.

  • ORION: I'm not done yet.

  • I slap him. Just get on this, will you?

  • (Travis snarls)

  • ORION: I use two SP points to do quickening spell.

  • I cast Grand Column under myself. (imitates rock moving)

  • Fifteen feet up in the air.

  • MARISHA: Nice.

  • (Orion spits)

  • MATT: So, the stone beneath Tiberius's feet rises up,

  • creating a column fifteen feet above the rest.

  • He is now raised on a platform.

  • I'll put him right there.

  • Looking down upon the battlefield.

  • ORION: (clears throat) that is my turn.

  • MATT: All right, Vex, you're up.

  • LAURA: Oh, do I have to cast a saving throw

  • or am I fine?

  • LIAM: Be a badass, be a badass.

  • MATT: Are you looking at it, or are you averting your gaze?

  • LAURA: No, I'm averting my gaze even though

  • I'm confused apparently.

  • MATT: Well, the confusion only lasts one turn.

  • LAURA: Okay, good.

  • I am not.

  • What's that thingy behind me?

  • MARISHA: Oh, we've got these.

  • MATT: This here?

  • LAURA: No.

  • MATT: This here?

  • LAURA: Yeah, what's that?

  • MATT: This is rock.

  • LAURA: How high is it?

  • MATT: This is about 25, 30 feet up.

  • TRAVIS: Use your laser pointer, dude.

  • MATT: And this is where the light source is coming from.

  • You can't look over that way.

  • LAURA: All, right cool. I avert my gaze

  • but I listen very carefully to the sound

  • of where it's coming from.

  • (Taliesin whistles)

  • LAURA: And I shoot in that direction.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • (Taliesin and Marisha imitate birds)

  • MATT: So go ahead and make your attacks against this fellow.

  • TRAVIS: That's some Hawkeye stuff.

  • MATT: You shooting this one?

  • LAURA: Let's do the one that is surrounded

  • so I get like, what, flanking bonus or something.

  • MATT: For ranged, you would not get a bonus

  • for that unfortunately.

  • LAURA: Lame. All right.

  • MATT: So are you shooting at the one behind you?

  • This one?

  • LAURA: Sure.

  • Okay.

  • LAURA: No, no, no, no, the other one.

  • MATT: Okay, all right.

  • So, make your attacks with a disadvantage,

  • as you're kind of keeping your eyes back

  • and shooting in its general direction.

  • MARISHA: Big money, no whammies.

  • LAURA: 12, both of them were 12.

  • But plus 11.

  • MATT: Plus, eleven?

  • Hits.

  • LAURA: Yes!

  • Oh, and I get two attacks, right?

  • MATT: You do, yes.

  • LAURA: Okay.

  • Still disadvantage?

  • MATT: Yep.

  • LAURA: 15 plus 11, hits.

  • MATT: That also hits, yeah.

  • So both attacks hit.

  • LAURA: Yes!

  • MATT: Did you want to use your bonus action for anything?

  • LAURA: Oh yes, Hunter's Mark.

  • MATT: All right, so you throw Hunter's Mark

  • on this umber hulk there.

  • LAURA: Yes, I do.

  • MATT: But you're like, you're my quarry, ugh.

  • Keeping your eyes back.

  • You go ahead and pull your first and second arrow,

  • (imitates bow firing arrows), letting them loose,

  • kind of letting a little bit of faith

  • take your arrows to the wind.

  • Both finding purchase on your foe.

  • LAURA: Can I use bloodseeking bow on that one?

  • MATT: You can, yes.

  • LAURA: Sweet.

  • All right, cool.

  • So that's 15, no, 11.

  • And then 15.

  • (group laughs)

  • LAURA: It was good so I kept it.

  • TRAVIS: She dropped it, but it was a good roll.

  • ORION: Yeah, take the drop.

  • LAURA: Plus bloodseeking, which is 10 damage,

  • plus Hunter's Mark, which is a six, which is 3.

  • MATT: So total damage of...?

  • LAURA: Oh, I have to add.

  • (Matt laughs)

  • LAURA: 15 plus 11 plus 3.

  • 26, 29 damage.

  • MARISHA: Woo!

  • MATT: Nice!

  • (Liam imitates arrows firing)

  • MATT: So, as your arrows sink into him,

  • one blasts into him.

  • Fire cascades up the side, you can see the middle

  • of its plates beginning to burn

  • and torch the cinderous glow.

  • It reels back, gets its claws ready,

  • now fixated on you 'cause you

  • just announced your presence to it.

  • LAURA: I'm looking again, so.

  • MATT: All right.

  • Anything you wanna do with...?

  • LAURA: Trinket?

  • MATT: Trinket.

  • LAURA: Oh, yeah.

  • Can he run up and attack the other one?

  • While keeping his eyes down?

  • MATT: He would have to use one of your attacks to do that.

  • LAURA: Oh okay, well then he's just hanging out.

  • MATT: Trinket's just hanging out.

  • LAURA: He's protecting Scanlan.

  • (Matt imitates bear growling)

  • Yeah, big old bear protecting your gnome.

  • LAURA: Protect the gnome!

  • LIAM: Gnome coverage.

  • [Marisha And Taliesin] Gnome coverage.

  • MATT: No healer this week. What could possibly go wrong?

  • MARISHA: Gnomewatch 2015.

  • MATT: Scanlan, you're up.

  • SAM: Scanlan.

  • LIAM: Ride the bear, Scanlan.

  • SAM: Ride the bear.

  • TRAVIS: Oh my God.

  • SAM: I will just step forward a little,

  • and I will cast polymorph on our big friend

  • that we're surrounding.

  • And I'll turn him into a snail.

  • MARISHA: A snail? Aww!

  • MATT: All right.

  • TRAVIS: Can you do that?!

  • SAM: Yes.

  • MATT: What's the DC, the difficulty class on your spells?

  • SAM: Through the horn of clarity or whatever.

  • So it's 17.

  • MATT: 17, alright.

  • SAM: Or no, 19, sorry, 19.

  • MATT: 19.

  • SAM: It's plus two.

  • MATT: So, as the two umber hulks are there,

  • the one that's in the center of the group, (snarls).

  • LAURA: Oh, Tiberius.

  • LAURA: Rears back, beginning to unleash its series of attacks,

  • and then (sharp hiss),

  • into this tiny--

  • TRAVIS: What?!

  • MATT: --snail form on the ground.

  • LAURA: Awesome!

  • LIAM: Don't touch the snail until the--

  • LAURA: Why?

  • LIAM: 'Cause he'll poof out into the fucking big guy again.

  • SAM: Don't hurt the snail.

  • LIAM: Leave it, leave it.

  • SAM: Don't pick up the snail. Just be nice to the snail.

  • LIAM: Leave it alone. Hit the other one.

  • ORION: Don't do anything. I'll take care of the snail.

  • (talking over each other)

  • MATT: There's a tiny, tiny little snail on the ground now

  • that looks very confused.

  • LAURA: That's confusing.

  • MATT: Very confused, which is ironic for an umber hulk,

  • to feel confused.

  • SAM: As a bonus action, I give dice to--

  • who's coming up next? Who's coming up soon?

  • MATT: Next'll be Percy.

  • SAM: Percy, you get dice.

  • TALIESIN: What dice do I get?

  • MATT: d8.

  • SAM: A d8 for inspiration.

  • TALIESIN: A d8? All right. Excellent.

  • MATT: Percy, you're up.

  • (Sam imitates flutes) Gotta do my app.

  • MATT: Do your app, fuck it up.

  • ORION: Do the app.

  • SAM: No, it's not ready.

  • (group laughs)

  • TALIESIN: I'm gonna take one of my two actions to clear my gun.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, the jam.

  • TALIESIN: Clear the jam.

  • And then set up for a fire shot.

  • And I'm gonna take a fire shot.

  • Am I at a disadvantage?

  • (tinny electronic music)

  • MATT: You're inspired.

  • SAM: It's so weak, it's so weak.

  • TRAVIS: You've gotta get it better.

  • MATT: So, who are you shooting?

  • TALIESIN: I'm shooting our friend over there.

  • I've just sort of turned, and I'm firing.

  • TALIESIN: So am I at a disadvantage?

  • MATT: Averting your gaze?

  • TALIESIN: I'm averting my gaze, but I know where it is.

  • MATT: Right. So go ahead and fire at disadvantage.

  • SAM: You got the dice, you got the dice.

  • TALIESIN: Okay.

  • 14 with the disadvantage.

  • MATT: 14 with the disadvantage will miss, unfortunately.

  • (imitates gun firing)

  • The fire shot arcs off into the distance--

  • TALIESIN: Oh oh, actually--

  • MARISHA: Oh yeah, inspiration.

  • MATT: Add the inspiration dice.

  • TALIESIN: 17.

  • MATT: 17 will just barely hit.

  • (group cheers)

  • TALIESIN: Well done, well done, ha ha!

  • ORION: Good shot!

  • LIAM: Good stunt work, Tiberius.

  • TALIESIN: So, that's gonna do-- ba-bumpa-bum.

  • ORION: I have to wait to figure out when to open which one.

  • TALIESIN: That's 17 fire damage, 17 fire damage.

  • MATT: 17 fire damage, nice.

  • Okay, you hear the shot hit,

  • and you hear a cracking sound as one of its plates

  • actually freezes and shatters off of its body,

  • exposing kind of a fleshy undercarriage.

  • MARISHA: Nice.

  • [Orion And Marisha] Undercarriage.

  • MATT: This umber hulk is starting to look a little rough.

  • That brings us to the top of--

  • Do you want to move or stay where you are?

  • TALIESIN: I'm going to step back to--

  • bring me back two to three steps, just like, back away.

  • MATT: Back here.

  • TALIESIN: Yeah.

  • Just like, here.

  • LAURA: Avoid the snail.

  • SAM: Yeah, don't step on the snail.

  • TALIESIN: I'm not stepping on the snail.

  • TALIESIN: Yeah, that's good.

  • MATT: There? Okay, good.

  • All right, that brings us to--

  • LAURA: I'm using it!

  • MATT: Laser pointers, we have use.

  • Keyleth, you're up.

  • KEYLETH Okay, after seeing Grog get confused, I turn,

  • and I go straight for his throat.

  • And I'm trying to drag him into the creek.

  • TRAVIS and LAURA: Ooh.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • MARISHA: I wanna take the umber hulk

  • into the creek right behind me.

  • MATT: Okay, so go ahead and roll for a grapple.

  • MARISHA: All right.

  • TRAVIS: Come on, cave bear.

  • MARISHA: How do I grapple as a bear?

  • LIAM: Bear hug, man, bear hug.

  • LAURA: Yeah, just take him.

  • TALIESIN: How does one grapple as a bear?

  • It is a strength check, I guess.

  • MATT: Does anyone else--

  • Can I have the book real fast?

  • Just to be sure we know how we're doing this.

  • TALIESIN: Have you noticed there's a rhinoceros in here?

  • MARISHA: I can be a a rhinoceros.

  • MATT: It's a contest, yes.

  • TRAVIS: Why have you not been a rhinoceros yet?

  • MARISHA: It just hasn't been useful yet.

  • SAM: She usually picks a bird of some sort.

  • MARISHA: I'm waiting for the right time.

  • LIAM: She can only turn into things she's seen.

  • SAM: I'm a squirrel and a bird!

  • You should be a rhinoceros.

  • TALIESIN: We're just waiting for you to scream, "It's morphin time!"

  • It's morphing time! Bear!

  • MARISHA: Oh my god, can you make me smoke bombs that smoke,

  • and I say, "It's morphin time"?

  • MATT: So you can make a grapple attempt in place of one of your attacks.

  • MARISHA: Okay. That's what I want to do.

  • MATT: All right.

  • MARISHA: So I just strength check then?

  • MATT: So it is an athletics check.

  • MARISHA: Oh. I don't have stats, I'm a bear.

  • MATT: No, you use the bear's stats.

  • MARISHA: But all I have are the basic six.

  • MATT: Right, what's the strength?

  • MARISHA: Five.

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • MARISHA: So that's what I do.

  • MATT: Yeah, roll the dice, add plus five.

  • (group cheers)

  • ORION: It's 20!

  • MATT: Natural 20.

  • (clapping)

  • You reach forward and latch onto it

  • with your claws and your teeth, onto the umber hulk.

  • MARISHA: Going for the throat.

  • MATT: Alright.

  • So that's your first attack.

  • You can go ahead while it's grappled

  • and attack with the other strikes.

  • MARISHA: I'm taking him underwater.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • You pull.

  • LAURA: Oh god, you're doing it, Keyleth.

  • MARISHA: Pulling him underwater.

  • LIAM: It's a waterfall, oh.

  • MATT: (imitates thudding) You both plunge

  • underneath the water's surface.

  • Take a big old breath right beforehand,

  • and I'm going underwater.

  • ORION: Wait, can you let him go and let him drown?

  • LAURA: Yeah, let him go, 'cause it's a waterfall.

  • MARISHA: No, I'm holding on to him.

  • LAURA: But Keyleth, there's a waterfall.

  • It's fine.

  • MATT: It's now its turn.

  • It's going to try and break your grapple.

  • MATT: Make an athletics check.

  • MARISHA: Against his strength, I guess.

  • Ah, 20.

  • MATT: 20, okay.

  • You maintain your grip on the umber hulk.

  • It's thrashing in the water trying to get its way

  • to the surface. (snarls)

  • Still slashing about.

  • So it's gonna make its attacks against you.

  • MATT: That is a 14.

  • MARISHA: Hits.

  • MATT: 14 hits you?

  • MARISHA: I'm a bear, my armor class is 12 right now.

  • MATT: Well no, you keep your armor class.

  • MARISHA: I keep my armor class?

  • MATT: I'm pretty sure.

  • LIAM: Yes, the answer to that is yes.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, you do.

  • LIAM: Definitely yes.

  • MATT: Nah, let's see real fast actually on this one.

  • SAM: Keep subscribing to Geek & Sundry everybody.

  • MATT: Exactly.

  • SAM: We're going for 1200 subscribers tonight,

  • and if we reach that number...

  • good for you.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Here we go.

  • LIAM: Sam will write a ballad.

  • SAM: I will.

  • MATT: You gain the scores--

  • SAM: By the way, this music is just great.

  • MATT: It's 12 plus-- it's whatever the 12 is,

  • plus your proficiency modifier, I think is what it is.

  • For now, we'll say it hits.

  • 'Cause I don't wanna hold this up.

  • TALIESIN: There once was a player--

  • SAM: In Nantucket?

  • LAURA: Don't.

  • MATT: No, you gain its armor class.

  • MARISHA: I do gain its armor class.

  • MATT: Yeah, you do.

  • MARISHA: So it hits.

  • MATT: Yeah, it hits you. All right.

  • Second strike.

  • That's also gonna hit you.

  • All three hit you.

  • You take six points of slashing damage.

  • 11 points of slashing damage.

  • And 6, 11, 17--

  • MARISHA: It's okay guys.

  • MATT: Total of 26 points of slashing damage.

  • MARISHA: I am no longer a bear.

  • MATT: So you lose your grip as your form reverts.

  • You are now back to Keyleth's form in the water.

  • SAM: And you're in the water!

  • MARISHA: Can I cast a concentration spell on myself?

  • MATT: No, because you used your actions to grapple it.

  • MARISHA: And that's it.

  • MATT: So you're now just back in the Keyleth form, underwater.

  • You catch your breath and realize you're now underwater

  • in near darkness with an umber hulk right on you.

  • MARISHA: Hey brah. Sup?

  • Fancy meeting you here.

  • MATT: Vax, you're up.

  • LIAM: Okay, so first thing I do is lean down

  • and pick up the snail off the ground and say,

  • "Hey, um, go fuck yourself."

  • And then I throw him into the waterfall.

  • SAM: Oh Jesus!

  • MATT: Over here?

  • LIAM: Yeah.

  • MATT: All right.

  • Go ahead and roll a ranged attack.

  • So just roll, add dexterity.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • LAURA: Oh gosh, okay okay.

  • LIAM: Great great great.

  • Dexterity you say? 18.

  • MATT: 18?

  • LAURA: No, it's higher than that, yo!

  • ORION: No, it's fine if he drowns and dies.

  • LIAM: Oh sorry, yeah, that's 21.

  • 22, 22.

  • MATT: You throw, it arcs over.

  • Lands in the water.

  • (imitates water sucking) Goes under into the waterfall.

  • LIAM: Toodle-oo shitface.

  • SAM: Hey wait, he (stutters) he swam away?

  • MATT: No, he threw the snail over the waterfall.

  • SAM: Hey! Bye-bye!

  • LIAM: Now, that seems like a bonus action to me, right?

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: That's an attack.

  • LIAM: So then that's an attack, okay.

  • MARISHA: (laughs) That's an attack.

  • MATT: It's the world's easiest grapple throw.

  • TRAVIS: You threw him forever.

  • LIAM: Then I'm good.

  • LAURA: That's it?

  • LIAM: Well, that's my action, right?

  • MATT: Correct.

  • LIAM: And I only have one.

  • SAM: You can move, you can move.

  • LIAM: All right, so then,

  • I'll hop through, through Percy and my sister.

  • And run up behind the shithead who's fucking with Keyleth.

  • MATT: Make an acrobatics check, try to tumble through them.

  • LIAM: Yeah, that's easy.

  • ORION: He's in the water, though.

  • LIAM: 16 (mumbles) 29.

  • MATT: Yeah, you're fine, and where do you wanna go?

  • LIAM: Right up behind shitface there.

  • And do I have anything left?

  • Or do I just get there and stop.

  • MATT: Well, it was the attack to throw it.

  • You would have your second off-hand.

  • LIAM: Second attack.

  • Well let's stab him in the ass then, right.

  • MATT: Well, you have disadvantage 'cause it's currently

  • in the water thrashing about,

  • and it's hard to see.

  • Well, that's not very good.

  • 15.

  • MATT: 15 misses unfortunately.

  • So as you slash down with your dagger into the water,

  • it's just too hard to really make out

  • what that form moving is.

  • LIAM: I still feel pretty good about that round.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, it was pretty good.

  • MATT: Grog, you're up.

  • TRAVIS: Am I? (grunts)

  • With my frenzied rage renewed,

  • I run towards the water, haunted by nightmares

  • of Sebastian in the Little Mermaid,

  • and I leap into the water and start slashing and slashing.

  • MATT: Go ahead and make your three attacks, Grog.

  • (Liam sings opening notes to "Under the Sea")

  • TRAVIS: ♫ Le poisson, le poisson, hee hee hee, fuck you bitch

  • (Matt laughs)

  • TRAVIS: 18 plus... that's 26.

  • MATT: 26 hits.

  • TRAVIS: Okay, good. Second attack.

  • 26.

  • MATT: Hits.

  • TRAVIS: Okay. 25.

  • MATT: Hits.

  • TRAVIS: Good.

  • MATT: Go ahead and roll damage, Grog.

  • As you come charging forward, just (grunts),

  • leaving bits of foam cascading off the side of your mouth.

  • Your eyes just glazed over with white.

  • You bring the axe down into the water,

  • form towards where the splashing is.

  • Keeping mindful that Keyleth might be in there somewhere.

  • But you're very much see the larger form in the field, so.

  • TRAVIS: It's all about sushi right? MARISHA: Oh, I'm fine.

  • MATT: Yeah, so damage on the first strike?

  • TRAVIS: Eight, second one is 16.

  • MATT: Eight, 16, that's 24.

  • TRAVIS: And 17, thirty.

  • What's 24 plus 10?

  • LAURA AND MATT: 34.

  • MATT: Grog.

  • 34 points of damage.

  • As your axe comes down, slam once into the water.

  • You see one of the claws start pulling itself up

  • out of the surface.

  • It's head's still under the water.

  • You slam the axe down.

  • You see the arm actually snaps

  • and begins to drift down the river.

  • As it looks up at you, its eyes open.

  • Before the gaze can meet yours, the axe comes down

  • and plunges itself directly into the forehead

  • of the umber hulk with a shunk sound.

  • As it does, its body goes limp and begins to float down the water.

  • (group cheers and claps)

  • LAURA: Well, that was easy.

  • SAM: Was it?

  • LAURA: I walk up and try to help Keyleth out of the water.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • You help Keyleth out of the water.

  • At this point, the snail form,

  • which doesn't have a whole lot of hit points,

  • has taken enough damage to alleviate itself

  • from the polymorph.

  • As the spell fades, as the snail form is destroyed,

  • the other umber hulk begins clawing its way

  • up the side of the mountain,

  • burrows through the actual stonework--

  • LAURA: Ah, balls.

  • MATT: --(imitates explosion) and bursts out of the ground

  • right behind you, Vax.

  • (imitates explosion)

  • VAX: Oh, fuck a duck.

  • TRAVIS: Come on, drop this thing.

  • LAURA: This is why you shouldn't have thrown the snail.

  • MATT: But that's its turn.

  • LIAM: I thought it would get washed all the way out.

  • Down the toilet, all the way out.

  • MATT: All right, that brings us to the top of the round.

  • Tiberius.

  • MARISHA: It was at least badass.

  • LIAM: Elegant.

  • MARISHA: It was very elegant.

  • TALIESIN: I'm sure it was a wonderful thought.

  • ORION: Firebolt.

  • MATT: Okay, roll for it.

  • Roll for the attacks.

  • LIAM: Just past it, please.

  • MATT: Yep, any directed spell like that

  • you have to roll and add your spell range modifier.

  • ORION: Sweet, that does not hit.

  • MATT: What'd you roll?

  • ORION: Uh, 11.

  • MATT: Disadvantage, so.

  • You rolled an 11 total?

  • ORION: 10.

  • MATT: Yeah, you miss.

  • So, as you aim your firebolt (imitated fire shooting)

  • You're just averting your gaze,

  • and it jumps over and arcs through the rest of the carvern,

  • lighting it as it goes like a flare.

  • ORION: Good cavern.

  • MATT: That leads to Scanlan.

  • SAM: Scanlan?

  • MATT: Actually no, Vex is up and then Scanlan, sorry.

  • LAURA: Me?

  • MATT: You, you.

  • LIAM: Kill it before it kills me.

  • Okay.

  • LAURA: I am gonna keep my gaze averted, but I just heard it,

  • and I'm gonna--

  • ORION: That rhymed.

  • LAURA: I'm gonna attack it. WIth some arrows.

  • MATT: Go for it.

  • So two arrows, notched. (imitates arrows firing)

  • Disadvantage on each attack.

  • LAURA: Oh, okay.

  • LIAM: Don't let it eat my head, please.

  • LAURA: Yeah, it's the same. 18.

  • No, lying.

  • 20.

  • MATT: 20 hits.

  • Go ahead and roll for the second attack.

  • LAURA: 19.

  • MATT: Both hit.

  • LAURA: Okay, good.

  • MATT: Go ahead and roll damage on each.

  • LAURA: Is this the one that I Hunter's Marked?

  • No, the other one Hunter's Marked.

  • MATT: The other one was, yeah.

  • LAURA: Okay, that's fine. 10 plus 13 is 23.

  • MATT: But you could switch over your hunter's mark.

  • LAURA: And I switched over my Hunter's Mark as my bonus action.

  • MATT: With your bonus action.

  • LAURA: So I add the-- oh, one.

  • MATT: So a total of?

  • LAURA: 24.

  • MATT: 24 points of damage.

  • All right, got you.

  • (imitates arrows flying) The arrows end up piercing

  • part of the armor.

  • Each sink in a good, solid six, seven inches or so.

  • It angrily (wet snarling) at the impact,

  • but it wasn't enough force to send it back at all.

  • But it knows exactly where you are.

  • That brings us to Scanlan.

  • SAM: Scanlan's gonna move right in front of where--

  • I believe that's Percy?

  • LIAM: Save the day, Scanny.

  • LAURA: Oh yeah, I should've ran Trinket up there.

  • LIAM: Repeat, just like last week.

  • SAM: Toss another dice to Percy, he seems to need them.

  • TALIESIN: Thank you.

  • SAM: And I'm gonna cast lightning bolt at the thing.

  • Who's wet from being in the water, yes?

  • So electricity is gonna be pretty bad on him.

  • MATT: All right.

  • So, because you're kind of averting your gaze to look away--

  • SAM: Disadvantage.

  • MATT: No, because you don't roll to attack.

  • But it gets advantage on its saving throw because of that aspect.

  • MATT: So, it rolled natural 20 for its saving,

  • so it takes half damage.

  • But go ahead and roll your 8d6,

  • it's the lighting bolt.

  • SAM: 8d6.

  • MATT: Arcs out from your fingers. (imitates lightning)

  • SAM: 8d6, 8d6.

  • 8d6?!

  • TALIESIN: Yeah.

  • SAM: 8?!

  • TRAVIS: Yeah.

  • LIAM: Yes.

  • SAM: Shit!

  • (group laughs)

  • Uh, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12.

  • (group laughs)

  • 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 (mutters softly)

  • 28!

  • MATT: 28, okay.

  • 14 points of damage to the umber hulk

  • as the bolt of lightning cascades through its body.

  • It lights up for a second as you see

  • the crawling fingers of electricity kind of

  • shoot through its plates.

  • SAM: I like crawling fingers.

  • MATT: Indeed.

  • ORION: That was the name of the one girl, wasn't it?

  • SAM: Yes.

  • MARISHA: Oh, I loved Crawline, she was so nice.

  • MATT: As the bolt grounds itself,

  • the rest of the water on its form evaporates

  • from the sheer force of the electricity.

  • You see the umber hulk still standing.

  • Angry, in pain, and standing, although it's still

  • looking a little worse for wear.

  • You don't wanna do that to an umber hulk.

  • (group laughs)

  • SAM: You're right.

  • MATT: Percy, you're up.

  • TALIESIN: Taking my shot, I'm averting my eyes, so.

  • SAM: Use those dice, use those dice.

  • MARISHA: Whoo!

  • TALIESIN: 24 to hit.

  • MATT: That was the disadvantage?

  • TALIESIN: At the disadvantage.

  • MATT: Awesome, that hits.

  • TALIESIN: That's 1d8 plus five.

  • That's, ugh, that's terrible.

  • That's six points of damage.

  • I'm taking my second shot.

  • MATT: All right.

  • LIAM: Shoot it in the mouth.

  • (clapping)

  • MARISHA: Oh wait, but it's disadvantage.

  • TALIESIN: I rolled twice.

  • So I rolled a 19 and a 20, which means--

  • MARISHA: Which are both your critical, right?

  • Which are both my criticals.

  • So a critical at a disadvantage.

  • TRAVIS: Sick, nasty.

  • TALIESIN: Just point, nyah, nyah!

  • LIAM: Yes Percy. Critical on a disadvantage!

  • MATT: Well done.

  • TALIESIN: So I'm also gonna spend my die.

  • LIAM: Whatever your last name is again.

  • SAM: The die is for the attack.

  • MATT: It's for attacks, skills, and saving throws,

  • not for damage.

  • TALIESIN: That's, uh...

  • five, six, seven, eight, that's 11 points of damage.

  • TRAVIS: Finish him.

  • MATT: 11 points of damage from the first one.

  • TALIESIN: 11 points of damage from the second one.

  • MARISHA: But that one's critical.

  • So it doubles, right?

  • TALIESIN: It's just 1d8 becomes 2d8, right?

  • MATT: Correct, yeah.

  • TALIESIN: Yeah that's-- yeah.

  • MATT: Okay, it's 11 points damage. Gotcha.

  • So, as you rear back your shot (imitates gun firing)

  • it resounds.

  • It hits the plate, shatters it on the other side

  • of its chest.

  • You can now see this weird purplish goo

  • beginning to spill from its wounds.

  • You see it's holding itself up,

  • and it's having a hard time keeping physical form there.

  • Keyleth, you're up.

  • MARISHA: Oh. Um, cool.

  • (Liam laughs)

  • ORION: Word.

  • MARISHA: Word.

  • I'm still a person.

  • I'm gonna go ahead and also do a call lighting spell.

  • Bam, call lightning right on its head. 'Cause he's wet.

  • MATT: Call lighting it is.

  • MATT: So, as you begin to complete your spell,

  • you can see now the upper arch,

  • the 100 foot archway, the ceiling of this area begins

  • to fill with this strange cloudy, thunderous booms,

  • as a raincloud is created and summoned across the rooftop.

  • At which point, Keyleth frees her hand up

  • and pulls down as a single bolt streaks through the air,

  • slamming into the same lightning bolt wound

  • that you left previously on it,

  • where the edges of its armor are still glowing

  • from the heat.

  • Go ahead and roll damage.

  • MARISHA: Got him right in the ass.

  • It just gets straight damage?

  • MATT: Yeah, it gets a bonus on its saving throw, though.

  • Or advantage.

  • Which it makes.

  • MARISHA: I get 3d10.

  • MATT: 3d10.

  • All right, go for it.

  • MARISHA: 6, 7--

  • MATT: It is no longer outdoors-only.

  • MATT: It gets a bonus for being outdoors.

  • MARISHA: 11 damage.

  • MATT: 11 damage to the umber hulk.

  • Which is halved.

  • He made a saving throw, to a six.

  • MARISHA: Saving throw, mm.

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • TRAVIS: Finish him.

  • Cause you're having to avert your gaze.

  • You're trying to work out this whole thing

  • where you're all basically at a severe disadvantage

  • fighting this thing, unless you want

  • to be completely fucked over.

  • All right.

  • SAM: Should have created sunglasses for him or something.

  • TRAVIS: We have two of its eyes.

  • MATT: It's now its turn.

  • LAURA: Ugh, it's still alive.

  • MATT: It turns and runs past,

  • to the one who shot it with the angry lightning bolt.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • MATT: The tiny gnome that now is a delicious morsel

  • in the mandibles of an umber hulk.

  • It comes running forward like a giant armored gorilla. (grunts)

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • MATT: Reaching back with both of its claws,

  • swiping at you Scanlan, that is a 23 to hit.

  • SAM: Oh, yeah.

  • MATT: 25 to hit.

  • MATT: Its mandibles are 24 to hit.

  • SAM: That hits three times.

  • MATT: Yep.

  • You take 13--

  • LAURA: Oh, no!

  • LIAM: But you're so little.

  • MATT: 24.

  • SAM: Ooh!

  • MATT: 38 points of slashing damage.

  • This is the sound I make.

  • (high-pitched wail)

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: As it just strikes you, all of its form now,

  • you're almost pinned to the ground,

  • blood oozing from your face as gashes, slash wounds

  • are across your entire body.

  • It's looming over you, ready to try

  • and finish you off next round.

  • LAURA: Ugh!

  • MATT: That brings us to Vax.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • So, he's now got his back turned to me.

  • I'm just gonna stick both knives into his guts and say,

  • "No one touches the gnome!"

  • LIAM: Right in his guts, that's shit.

  • So, fuck that.

  • And this one is way better.

  • So that's 27.

  • MATT: 27 hits definitely.

  • LIAM: Okay, this is the flametongue.

  • MATT: It is considered flanking, because Scanlan is there.

  • Oh yes.

  • LIAM: Four plus two is six.

  • (Sam sings along with dramatic music)

  • LIAM: Two, three, fuck, four, fuck, seven,

  • nine, 18, 24 damage.

  • With the second knife, sneak attack into his ball sack.

  • MATT: How do you want to do this?

  • (group yells triumphantly)

  • LIAM: I stick it in the back of his his spider nads.

  • And rip it out his bum and out the back of him.

  • LAURA: Gross!

  • LIAM: And just spill it all out the bottom.

  • (all talking at once)

  • SAM: I'm right next to him, it might spill on me.

  • LIAM: That's all right, that's all right.

  • MATT: As it's looming over Scanlan who's on his back,

  • it's tearing into him and starting to gut him best it can.

  • He's screaming from beneath.

  • You rush underneath, tumble, bringing your dagger up

  • and slam it right under the bottom of its abdomen.

  • LAURA: Balls.

  • MATT: As you do it, (snarls), looks down towards you

  • and right before its gaze can meet yours,

  • you yank back with all your might,

  • basically scissoring and jagged drawing the blade

  • up the back of its body.

  • As you do it, (imitates vomiting)

  • leaps forward.

  • It's now-soft torso and belly left open

  • from the armor plates being shot off,

  • spills a number of its warm innards

  • right onto Scanlan's body and form.

  • SAM: Ugh, no!

  • It went in my mouth!

  • (Travis laughs)

  • MATT: And then it collapses on top of him..

  • SAM: Ah!

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: You take six points of crushing damage

  • as the umber hulk collapses on top of you.

  • TRAVIS: I run over and shove the umber hulk off of Scanlan.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • SAM: Ugh! Ah!

  • LAURA: Oh my gosh.

  • SAM: What just happened?

  • MARISHA: I go over to Scanlan, and I just,

  • I just lay my hands on him,

  • and I cast Cure Wounds in a level 2 spot.

  • LIAM: Nobody touches my man-wife.

  • (group laughs)

  • SAM: What's that spell do?

  • MARISHA: You do-- it's 2d8 plus 10 healing.

  • SAM: You roll, right?

  • TALIESIN: Yep.

  • MARISHA: Do I roll or does he?

  • MATT: For which spell is this?

  • MARISHA: I'm doing Cure Wounds on him. At level two.

  • MATT: Cure Wounds, level two? 2d8 plus five.

  • MARISHA: Do I roll?

  • MATT: You roll.

  • MARISHA: So you heal, 16, 20 points.

  • SAM: Thank you.

  • MATT: So, as you heal him, touch him with the spell,

  • you wipe the umber hulk ichor off of your hand.

  • ORION: I cast prestidigitation and clean everybody up.

  • LAURA: Maybe you should jump in that water, Scanlan.

  • TRAVIS: You should get in the water and clean yourself off.

  • TALIESIN: We have running water. Use running water.

  • SAM: I think I wanna keep it on.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: He's clean already.

  • TRAVIS: As a badge of honor?

  • SAM: It's a badge of honor.

  • LIAM: Like the walking dead, you're gonna sneak by the rest of 'em?

  • SAM: I think I'm gonna keep the blood on me, if you don't mind.

  • LAURA: Alright.

  • MATT: That's, uh... okay.

  • TRAVIS: Gross.

  • SAM: Warning to others.

  • MARISHA: Yeah.

  • MATT: So, you still hear the rushing of the water down below.

  • You now stand at this portion of the cavern,

  • the dull glow in the distance of some sort of light source

  • in that direction.

  • The rest of the caverns opens up this way.

  • LAURA: Ugh.

  • TRAVIS: Let's go towards the light.

  • SAM: Can we take a short rest and heal up?

  • TRAVIS: No, I run.

  • LAURA: Short rest, short rest.

  • TRAVIS: No, running.

  • LIAM: Running?!

  • (Sam laughs)

  • SAM: Why don't you let some people heal?

  • MATT: Grog goes running.

  • Grog, who's interested.

  • TRAVIS: I'm frenzy raging.

  • SAM: Oh God, Grog!

  • Grog, no!

  • TRAVIS: It's a bright, shiny thing. I'm going there!

  • LAURA: He is frenzying.

  • LIAM: I'm unscathed, so I run after Grog,

  • just to give him backup if he needs.

  • MARISHA: I'll follow after Vax.

  • MATT: All right, you guys head out.

  • Eventually, you come around the corner to see

  • what looks like a campfire.

  • ORION: I follow as well.

  • TRAVIS: Aww.

  • MATT: It looks like a setup with a small bundle of,

  • what looks like bedding.

  • There's a campfire set up.

  • It's mostly out at this point.

  • Like there's still a little bit of a flame flicker

  • to it, but it's just embers for the most part.

  • Does not appear--

  • TRAVIS: I start hacking away at the bedding.

  • Just chopping the shit out of it.

  • SAM: Jesus!

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Grog starts hacking away at the bedding.

  • (Travis grunts)

  • LIAM: I'm just watching and shrugging.

  • LAURA: No, look and search around and see what's in the bedding.

  • LIAM: I try to keep like six or seven foot difference--

  • MATT: (arrows whooshing)

  • SAM: Oh, no!

  • LIAM: Fuck!

  • MATT: Three crossbow bolts come flying out of nowhere--

  • LIAM: You dick!

  • MATT: --two hitting Grog.

  • LIAM: You dick!

  • (Marisha laughs)

  • LAURA: Why weren't you stealthing?

  • LIAM: I am now.

  • TRAVIS: Somebody likes their bedding apparently.

  • LIAM: I rolled a 29 of stealth as soon as the first arrow flew.

  • MARISHA: That was a Coleman, alright?

  • (group laughs)

  • That was a very expensive sleeping bag.

  • TALIESIN: Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.

  • TRAVIS: It was 3000 count Egyptian.

  • TALIESIN: God.

  • MATT: Grog, you take seven points of piercing damage,

  • which is halved to four because you're raging.

  • TRAVIS: Right. (grunts)

  • MATT: As you can see what looks like three small--

  • LIAM: Duergar.

  • LAURA: No, they're dwarves.

  • LIAM: Yeah, that's duergar.

  • That's dark dwarves.

  • LAURA: Oh!

  • LIAM: I consider myself a nerd.

  • MATT: And some strange beast you've not seen before

  • seems to be accompanying one of them.

  • LAURA: Is that a brain?

  • MATT: It looks like an oversized, swollen brain with a set of claws.

  • LIAM: It's hanging brain.

  • SAM: Krang?

  • MARISHA: Brain?

  • MATT: It's just like a large brain with a set of arms and legs

  • like a panther.

  • LAURA: What?

  • TRAVIS: It's the brain bug from Starship Troopers.

  • MARISHA: That can't be good.

  • ORION: Take that out first.

  • MATT: Going off the same intiative order.

  • They've gone.

  • LIAM: I rolled a 29 stealth.

  • MATT: Yes, I know.

  • So you haven't been seen, and you have the first action.

  • TRAVIS: Are they on the same level as us?

  • MATT: They are, yes.

  • LIAM: So I can dash and still attack?

  • MATT: If you'd like to.

  • LIAM: I would love to.

  • I would love to, uh--

  • where's this thing?

  • LAURA: Go for the brain.

  • LIAM: Yeah, of course go for the brain.

  • I'm gonna hang brain.

  • I'm gonna run over--

  • MATT: Well if you dash as your action--

  • LIAM: Oh, I can't stealth?

  • So to stay stealth, I need to go normal speed?

  • MATT: Well you can dash as your action,

  • but dash is your, basically a double move.

  • So you move and use your action to move as well.

  • LIAM: And that's it.

  • MATT: That's all you'll be able to do.

  • LIAM: Um, I'm gonna-- no. I'll you what I'm gonna do.

  • I'm gonna go-- hey, god.

  • I'm gonna move over here, stealthily.

  • And go for ready.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • LIAM: That's what it's called, right?

  • And wait?

  • MATT: Just wait.

  • LIAM: And the trigger is when this asshole duergar

  • moves forward, I'm gonna stick him in the back of the neck.

  • MATT: Okay. All right.

  • MARISHA: Nice.

  • MATT: Tiberius.

  • You hear Grog go, "Ugh!"

  • ORION: Oh, it seems like there's trouble over there.

  • (group laughs)

  • What has Grog gotten himself into?

  • MARISHA: I don't know.

  • (Travis moans and strangles)

  • ORION: I saunter--

  • TRAVIS: You saunter?

  • SAM: Saunter.

  • ORION: Yes.

  • MATT: You jump off your pillar.

  • ORION: Oh.

  • MATT: Saunter over here?

  • ORION: Yeah, I would go around there to--

  • That's good, I suppose.

  • What's in between the--

  • between him and that.

  • Is that a boulder?

  • MATT: It's a giant raised stalagmite.

  • ORION: I see, how tall is that?

  • MATT: It's about 25 feet tall.

  • ORION: Oh crap, okay.

  • MATT: All you see is Grog standing with three bolts

  • sticking out of his chest now.

  • LAURA: Oh no!

  • (Travis imitates wood breaking)

  • ORION: I can't do anything too much.

  • LIAM: Grog, I've got the hiccups.

  • MATT: Anything else, Tiberius?

  • Gotta keep this moving.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah.

  • LIAM: The bolts.

  • TRAVIS: Right.

  • ORION: I'll just cast stoneskin on myself.

  • Okay, Stoneskin cast on you.

  • That brings us to Vex.

  • LAURA: All right, I can hear them screaming so I'm gonna run over.

  • Call Trinket as I'm doing it.

  • TRAVIS: Who's screaming?

  • LAURA: You, you screamed.

  • TRAVIS: No, I'm not screaming.

  • MATT: Do you want to use your full round to move?

  • Cause that's as far as you can move currently.

  • Actually you can move two more.

  • LAURA: Can I see anything from that point?

  • MATT: All you see is Grog over there.

  • LIAM: They're covered and he's around the bend,

  • so I'd run in further.

  • LAURA: All right, I'll run in further.

  • Can I run in and stealth or is that it?

  • MATT: Uh, you can attempt to.

  • LAURA: I'm gonna try to stealth as I'm going in.

  • MATT: You're at disadvantage on the stealth roll,

  • but go for it.

  • LAURA: Oh, a 20.

  • Aw!

  • 17, okay.

  • Plus my stealth, which is five.

  • MATT: All right, so we'll say you're pulled off

  • to the side there.

  • The stealth twins over there being all stealthy-like.

  • No one can see what's going on with them.

  • It's like they're related.

  • TRAVIS: What's all this stealthing?

  • Where's all the killing?

  • MATT: That's your turn.

  • LAURA: I can't attack anything.

  • MATT: Scanlan.

  • SAM: Okay, I'm gonna move right there

  • into the room as far as I can.

  • MATT: You can go that far.

  • SAM: Okay.

  • And cast Stinking Cloud right there.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • It's gonna smell like just ass over there.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: Okay.

  • Best you can see, and you haven't really seen

  • where they are, so you're kind of like, oh,

  • you have the idea that perhaps they're over in that vicinity

  • on the bolts around there.

  • So you can cast over in this area, which is the only thing

  • you have view of.

  • SAM: Oh, oh, because that's a big rock in my view there.

  • MATT: This is a big rock right there, yeah.

  • SAM: Okay, so yeah.

  • I'll put it right where you're saying, right there, yeah.

  • MATT: Okay, that's about where you can go.

  • All right, so (hisses),

  • a giant--

  • TRAVIS: Ass cloud.

  • MATT: --green, ass cloud--

  • ORION: Scanlan, are you doing an ass cloud again?

  • MATT: --begins to fill this space here.

  • As it does, they all begin to hack and cough.

  • You can hear this now between the rest of you,

  • echoing throughout.

  • TRAVIS: I'm slightly aroused.

  • (group laughs)

  • ORION: I was just going to say.

  • TRAVIS: I'm drawn to the smell.

  • SAM: (imitates flute) --stinks.

  • MATT: ♫ Constitution saving throws. Everything in the cloud. ♫

  • SAM: (imitates flute) --stink.

  • MATT: ♫ All them are failing. ♫

  • ORION: Doing stink magic.

  • MATT: All right. You hear a cacophonous amount of hacking, coughing,

  • as all of them drop their attack stances

  • and begin just retching, nearly vomiting,

  • in the middle of this green cloud of gas.

  • TRAVIS: Outstanding.

  • SAM: I'll also take a great heal potion?

  • Is that what they're called?

  • Not moderate.

  • MATT: Yes, greater.

  • SAM: Great, greater, okay.

  • I'll do that by myself.

  • You keep going.

  • MATT: Okay, greater heal potion is 4d4 plus four.

  • SAM: Thank you.

  • MATT: All right, that brings us to Percy.

  • TALIESIN: I'm going to start crawling around the--

  • I have a little thingy.

  • Someone took the thingy.

  • Oh, laser pointer.

  • Thank you.

  • LIAM: Hello, hey.

  • TRAVIS: It's a black light.

  • TALIESIN: I'm gonna start heading down this direction,

  • and I'm going to actually spend a movement,

  • spend my action and move a little further down,

  • about, yeah, about there,

  • so I can start getting a good look of what's up.

  • MATT: Okay, good.

  • All right. That brings us to Keyleth.

  • MARISHA: Okay, so I am going to take this

  • and move up to about here, I guess.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • MARISHA: Is where I can see.

  • And then I'm gonna take this little block

  • of stone right here, this stalagtite

  • or mite or whatever it is--

  • MATT: Correct.

  • MARISHA: --and I'm gonna use Wall of Stone.

  • And instead of creating a wall, I'm just gonna take that one

  • and I'm gonna push it (imitates thudding)

  • against that wall and try and crush those guys.

  • TRAVIS: Whoa!

  • MATT: Wait, you're gonna use Wall of Stone to try

  • and push that back?

  • MARISHA: I'm gonna take this wall,

  • and I'm gonna go crunch.

  • MATT: All right.

  • SAM: Oh my God.

  • TRAVIS: Can you do that?

  • TALIESIN: That's kinda harsh.

  • MARISHA: I don't know.

  • We'll find out.

  • LAURA: I like that that's the most common quip.

  • "Can, can you do that?"

  • SAM: You can actually do that?

  • ORION: It's like earthbending.

  • MARISHA: I'm trying to earthbend this wall.

  • SAM: Hey Grog. Did you ever write down our underwater spell,

  • potion thingies, whatever those were called?

  • TRAVIS: We got two of 'em.

  • SAM: Yeah, did you right it down, though?

  • 'Cause I didn't.

  • TRAVIS: What they were?

  • TALIESIN: She's got waterbreathing, so.

  • MATT: So how it works is, Wall of Stone,

  • you can create a wall of stone, but it cannot

  • occupy the space of a creature.

  • So you will not be able to push them back, unfortunately.

  • But you could lock them into an area,

  • if that's what you wanted to do.

  • SAM: The man telling us what we can and can't do.

  • (group laughs)

  • MATT: It's the nature of the spell, guys.

  • MARISHA: Yeah, that's a waste of time.

  • Instead, I will--

  • I still got a Call Lightning going.

  • Fuck it.

  • I'm just gonna lightning bolt some bitches.

  • MATT: All right.

  • You don't have view of any of them right now, unfortunately.

  • MARISHA: Well, then I move to where I can.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • SAM: Yeah good.

  • Cop attitude with the DM.

  • TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah.

  • SAM: The man in charge of our fates.

  • TALIESIN: That always goes really well.

  • MATT: That'll be your turn.

  • SAM: Because of the attitude.

  • MATT: You moved twice. You had to get a long distance.

  • MARISHA: Did I?

  • MATT: Yeah, because you were back here.

  • LAURA: Yeah, dude. It was really far away, yo.

  • I've got a decent speed, okay, fine. That's my turn then.

  • MATT: Sorry.

  • LIAM: Fuck those Wizards of the Coast, man!

  • I do what I wanna do.

  • MARISHA: Fucking Seattle assholes.

  • MATT: All right, so.

  • ORION: I love Seattle.

  • LIAM: So do I.

  • MATT: And what's the DC again of your spell?

  • SAM: Ah, oh.

  • SAM: Spell save DC, is that right? 19.

  • MATT: 19. All right.

  • All three of the-- and you can now get a view of them.

  • They are dwarven, but their skin is ashy and grey.

  • Their eyes are white and pupil-less.

  • And they are all on the verge of vomiting right now.

  • They're both just keeling over.

  • One of them tries to bring a crossbow up,

  • and (imitates vomiting) has to put it back down again.

  • They are unable to act this turn.

  • The weird brain creature, however--

  • MARISHA: That's awesome.

  • TRAVIS: What, has no nostrils?

  • TALIESIN: There's nowhere for him to retch from.

  • MATT: It moves out of the cloud, looks over at you Grog.

  • SAM: Oh, no.

  • MATT: And just bears down for a second.

  • And you feel this...

  • intrusion in your mind.

  • TRAVIS: On my professor-torial mind.

  • MATT: Go ahead and make an intelligence saving throw.

  • SAM: Oh, those aren't good for you.

  • MARISHA: Oh, no.

  • (Travis laughs)

  • TALIESIN: Well this, this ends poorly.

  • TRAVIS: Oh good, my modifier's negative 2,

  • so yippee-kye-ay-eh.

  • Six.

  • MATT: Alright.

  • ORION: Good roll.

  • TALIESIN: Good roll.

  • MARISHA: That's a good number.

  • MATT: You suffer nine points of psychic damage

  • as there's a sudden blast of excruciating pain

  • in the center of your brain.

  • It actually shakes you a moment from your rage,

  • which then fills your mind once again.

  • TRAVIS: Like Kenny G music coming through my brain.

  • TALIESIN: Someone needs a Juggernaut helmet.

  • MATT: Also, you suffer--

  • MARISHA: He needs a Magneto helmet.

  • TALIESIN: Yeah, he needs the full Magneto.

  • MATT: --8 points of intelligence damage technically.

  • You immediately fall unconscious.

  • (Laura gasps)

  • MARISHA: What?!

  • MATT: Your intelligence is brought to zero.

  • TRAVIS: Ah!

  • But I was at six!

  • LIAM: You gotta kill that thing.

  • LAURA: Oh no!

  • TRAVIS: I turn into a turnip?

  • MATT: That brings us to--

  • (Matt laughs)

  • Tiberius.

  • ORION: Tiberius, I mean--

  • MATT: Yes, you're Tiberius.

  • ORION: I say--

  • MATT: You just watched Grog just go (groans)

  • and fall to the ground.

  • Almost into the campfire.

  • LAURA: Oh, no.

  • TRAVIS: It's like when I tried to read 50 Shades of Grey. (groans)

  • ORION: Okay, I'm gonna--

  • TALIESIN: Around the bear.

  • ORION: Okay, I'm gonna go right up to where Grog is.

  • MATT: All right.

  • ORION: Right there, right in front of him.

  • Now can I see the brain fucker?

  • MATT: Yes, you can from there.

  • MARISHA: The brain fucker.

  • MATT: The brain fucker's official name.

  • TALIESIN: Brain lover, brain lover.

  • ORION: Ooh, you're a nasty one.

  • MARISHA: He's a lover, not a fighter.

  • ORION: I'm gonna fire a glacial blast at this dude.

  • MATT: Okay. Single targeted beam.

  • TALIESIN: Lobey.

  • MARISHA: Lobey.

  • TALIESIN: We're gonna name him Lobey.

  • MARISHA: Let's call him Lobey.

  • (Laura laughs)

  • MATT: Makes its saving throw.

  • TALIESIN: "Lobey, no!"

  • MATT: What's your DC?

  • ORION: My DC is 17.

  • MATT: It just rolled a 17, yeah. It makes the saving throw.

  • So half damage.

  • TALIESIN: Take him everywhere.

  • ORION: Four, six, and 8d6.

  • TALIESIN: Our little Lobey.

  • MARISHA: Can we call him Jeff, Jeff Lobey?

  • SAM: Is that campfire still firing?

  • TALIESIN: Jeff Lobey.

  • MATT: It's embers, yeah.

  • 21, 22, 23.

  • 24, 26, 27, 22.

  • 29 damage.

  • MATT: 29 damage?

  • (Taliesin laughing)

  • MATT: As you put your arms out,

  • you focus this blast of just freezing cold arcane energy

  • that slams into the side of this brain creature.

  • TALIESIN: Jeff Lobey, thank you.

  • MATT: As it does, you see it begins to freeze its entire body.

  • As it reaches up and tries to climb up it solidifies

  • and then shatters into a hundred million pieces.

  • (group cheers)

  • SAM: Oh, the brain's dead.

  • TALIESIN: You killed Jeff Lobey!

  • MARISHA: You killed Jeff Lobey.

  • SAM: Lisa Loeb?

  • MARISHA: Lisa Lobey!

  • (group laughs)

  • They just keep going!

  • MATT: Lisa Loeb and then the nine intelligence damage.

  • All right.

  • So the brain just (imitates shattering) cascades

  • across the ground.

  • LIAM: Lisa Lobey.

  • MATT: And thank God.

  • Vex, you're now seeing three dwarves

  • retching and coughing over,

  • kind of looking about very nervously.

  • LAURA: Can I move to where I can get a line of site on that one?

  • MATT: On this one here?

  • LAURA: Yeah.

  • MATT: Yeah, you can move to there and get a line of sight.

  • LAURA: Okay cool, then I'm gonna shoot him.

  • Oh wait, no, I can't.

  • SAM: Why?

  • LAURA: Yeah yeah yeah, I'm gonna do that.

  • LIAM: You still have a little bit of cover.

  • LAURA: I'm gonna do-- it's fine, I got it.

  • I'm really good.

  • LIAM: Just be a badass, okay? That's your job.

  • LAURA: Okay.

  • 27.

  • MATT: That hits.

  • LIAM: Are you alright, big guy?

  • LIAM: "Muh!"

  • LAURA: Oh, I should've tried to-- it's okay.

  • LIAM: "Muh! Muh!"

  • SAM: It's weird, Grog weirdly seems smarter now than he was before.

  • LAURA: Hunter's Mark on that guy.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • SAM: Beep boop.

  • MATT: Good remembering.

  • MARISHA: Professor Grog's having a hard time.

  • LAURA: 11.

  • MATT: 11, all right.

  • LAURA: 11, and then I'm gonna hit him again.

  • And that's a 23.

  • MATT: All right.

  • LAURA: And that is nine damage for that arrow.

  • And then the six for a Hunter's Mark is five.

  • MATT: So a total of...?

  • LAURA: Oh jeez-louise, 30 plus five is...

  • 35.

  • MATT: (imitates arrows flying) "Ugh!"

  • The hacking, coughing duergar dwarf is like, (coughs)

  • One in the shoulder, and the other shoulder.

  • And it looks like that you, (inhales sharply)

  • As it inhales a big old whiff of horrible stinking cloud gas,

  • the arrow (imitates arrow flying) through its throat

  • and out the back of its head.

  • Falls flat on its back.

  • LAURA: Yeah.

  • (group cheers)

  • MATT: The other ones look nervously about.

  • MARISHA: Get him a pillow! What!

  • MATT: One of them's just coughing out, saying something in Undercommon.

  • (speaks in angry gibberish)

  • MATT: Anyone here speak Undercommon?

  • LAURA: I do!

  • MATT: You do?

  • SAM: You speak Undercommon?

  • LAURA: I do.

  • TALIESIN: Oondercommon.

  • LAURA: I knew we were gonna be going down into some--

  • MATT: You hear him say, "Quick, there's our exit!

  • "Back, back to the master."

  • LAURA: (whispering) Back to the master!

  • TRAVIS: Who's the master?

  • LAURA: You're unconscious.

  • MATT: All right.

  • That brings us to Scanlan.

  • SAM: Ah, shit.

  • I did not understand them, right?

  • So I don't know that they're going to run.

  • MATT: No.

  • TRAVIS: Let 'em run back to the master and we'll track 'em.

  • SAM: I didn't learn that they're running, so.

  • Can I call out that I heard them? Say, "Don't let them run!"

  • MATT: No, this happening just as you heard them.

  • SAM: Okay, well.

  • I don't have a good line of sight on them,

  • so I don't even know that they're there really, right?

  • I just hear coughing in the distance.

  • MATT: Yep.

  • Then I'll just move further into the cavern there.

  • And I don't know that this works,

  • but I'll try to cast Dispel Magic on Grog.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • SAM: I don't know if that, if it's magic.

  • I have no idea.

  • MATT: So you go ahead and you focus, you cast Dispel Magic

  • in Grog's vicinity.

  • SAM: ♫ Wake up, Grog

  • MATT: You see the shift of arcane, waving energy.

  • TRAVIS: ♫ If I only had a brain

  • MATT: It does not seem to have an effect.

  • SAM: It doesn't do it!

  • Damn it!

  • Then as my bonus action, can I still give him an inspiration dice

  • to do on like saving...?

  • MATT: You think at this point, Grog isn't unconscious.

  • Grog is catatonic.

  • Grog has no intelligence.

  • There is nothing home.

  • You see him, on the ground, drooling, eyes glazed over.

  • There is nothing there.

  • TALIESIN: You can't inspire a cantaloupe.

  • LAURA: What are we gonna do?

  • TALIESIN: The cantaloupe, it's not gonna feel better about itself.

  • SAM: Okay, then I give my dice to Vax.

  • TALIESIN: I've tried insulting a cantaloupe, you just don't get anywhere.

  • SAM: Vax, I've just inspired you. (imitates flute)

  • MATT: I think the chat room's catching on for those who know D&D well.

  • LIAM: Okay, I hear a little shithead grey-skinned dwarf--

  • SAM: Wait, it's not your turn.

  • I just gave you dice.

  • I thought you said Vax. Okay, sorry.

  • MATT: It's all right.

  • So that ends Scanlan's turn.

  • Percy.

  • LIAM: Damn it.

  • TALIESIN: Laser.

  • I'm going to take my laser.

  • MATT: Your laser? Point your laser?

  • (Liam imitates ray gun)

  • TALIESIN: All right, I want to crawl forward to the other side of Grog over there,

  • so I can see this little jerk.

  • MATT: It's a tough call, he has cover.

  • You can still see him.

  • TALIESIN: I ignore cover.

  • It's one of my magical things that I do.

  • LIAM: Three-quarters cover according to the new rules.

  • MARISHA: Yeah, he's got a gun.

  • TALIESIN: Yeah, I ignore half or three-quarters cover.

  • MATT: Then you can ignore three-quarters cover, which he has. So, yes.

  • TALIESIN: Okay, I ignore it.

  • I'm also going to take a penalty to my attack bonus

  • to attempt to do some damage and to not kill, but injure, if possible.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • TALIESIN: I wanna leave one for questioning.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • So go ahead and roll disadvantage on this attack.

  • Or do you want to just do subdual damage, which is what you're doing?

  • TALIESIN: Yeah.

  • All right, so you're gonna aim in a way that doesn't do lethal damage.

  • Go for it.

  • MATT: It's a normal attack, there's no penalty to it.

  • TALIESIN: Just my penalty for extra damage.

  • MATT: Mm hm.

  • TALIESIN: Aha!

  • I crit!

  • So that's fun.

  • Let's roll damage.

  • 9, 10, that's 25 points of damage.

  • LAURA: Yeah!

  • MATT: 25 points of damage.

  • All right, you run around the corner, pull the gun out,

  • and aim at this like-- (coughs)

  • Where you look now, you see this ghastly looking, evil, female-looking

  • grey-skinned dwarf.

  • Looks over at you and (gasps)

  • reacts and goes for her weapon.

  • As you do, you let loose and fire straight

  • into her shoulder, blasting through most of her shoulder,

  • exposing bone.

  • It's not a deahtblow, but you see

  • she has been incapacitated.

  • ORION: Nice.

  • TALIESIN: That's my turn.

  • LAURA: I call out, "Let one of them live, so I can question them."

  • TALIESIN: That's-- we got one.

  • MATT: Keyleth, you're up.

  • MARISHA: We got one?

  • TALIESIN: We got one.

  • MARISHA: Well, then.

  • MATT: That dwarf survived.

  • With one hit point.

  • MARISHA: If we got the guy we need.

  • I will move over a bit.

  • Yeah.

  • And... (imitates energy firing)

  • MATT: All right, go for it.

  • LIAM: Vines?

  • MATT: First off, make a constitution save, 'cause you stepped into a stinking cloud.

  • Unless you wanna move back here.

  • There you go.

  • MARISHA: Not having control.

  • MATT: Laser pointer.

  • MARISHA: I do (mumbles).

  • Okay.

  • So that is...

  • what is that?

  • 22?

  • MATT: 22 points of damage. All right.

  • So the bolt streaks from the cloud in the sky,

  • slamming into this other duergar.

  • As it sparks into the ground, you see bits of stone

  • get thrown up from the sheer force of the bolt,

  • doing a sincere amount of damage to it.

  • Not enough to finish it, but it looks very, very fucked up.

  • You can see part of its face is charred now,

  • and it's reeling from the blast.

  • Probably blew out its eardrums from the cacophonous blast of the thunder.

  • MARISHA: That's my turn.

  • MATT: That's your turn.

  • It's now both of their turn.

  • They both failed their saves with a two and a four.

  • They're both still hacking and coughing in the stinking cloud.

  • Uh, go bards.

  • Vax, you're up.

  • LIAM: Okay, and there's a big cloud of poo stink around them, so--

  • MATT: Correct, so all here.

  • ORION: "The poo cloud," Keyleth calls it.

  • LIAM: God dammit. All right.

  • MARISHA: Do I? "The poo cloud."

  • LIAM: Fuck it.

  • SAM: Just go in there, man.

  • LIAM: I'm gonna hold my breath, and I'm gonna go

  • one, two, three, four, five,

  • and grab this guy around the neck

  • and hold my daggers to his neck.

  • And just hunker down and try to hold him hostage.

  • MATT: Okay.

  • Go ahead and make a constitution check.

  • TRAVIS: A dirty mafia check?

  • LIAM: Is that a, is that a--

  • MATT: With advantage, because you're holding your breath.

  • LIAM: Okay.

  • 14.

  • TRAVIS: Just breathe it in.

  • SAM: Use the dice! Use the dice!

  • LIAM: What did you give me?

  • SAM: A d8.

  • LIAM: 22.

  • SAM: No, it's not an eight. A d8. You gotta roll it.

  • MATT: Roll a d8 to add to it.

  • LIAM: 15.

  • (group laughs)

  • LIAM: It came up a one.

  • TRAVIS: 22!

  • MATT: So, as you rush in the cloud, (breathes deeply)

  • you run in, pull your daggers out,

  • and because this isn't a natural cloud, the arcane force puts it in your nostrils

  • and you can't help yourself. (coughs)

  • Your turn immediately ends as you begin feeling your lunch

  • retching up into your stomach.

  • TRAVIS: Puke on him.

  • MATT: Okay. That brings us to Grog.

  • You are a--

  • TRAVIS: Oh, I got it.

  • (blows raspberry)

  • MATT: You are brain-dead.

  • (group laughs)

  • Tiberius, you're up.

  • LAURA: So sorry, Grog.

  • SAM: Can we heal him, what is it? What do we need to do?

  • MARISHA: We'll figure that out when we kill this guy, I guess.

  • LAURA: Restoration?

  • LIAM: Can you dispel that shit?

  • SAM: I tried, I tried.

  • MARISHA: He can't dispel it, It's not magic.

  • But I might be able to cure him afterwards.

  • LIAM: Tiberius, can you dispel that shit?

  • ORION: It's the same spell.

  • LAURA: It's a restoration spell, it's not a dispel.

  • MARISHA: I might be able to.

  • ORION: So, the guy knocked down over there is--

  • let me see that pointer.

  • This guy, that's the one that we knocked out with the arrow?

  • TALIESIN: Yeah, that's the dead one.

  • ORION: The dead one or the one we knocked out?

  • TALIESIN: He's dead.

  • ORION: Who do we have incapacitated?

  • TALIESIN: That's the one we shot.

  • MARISHA: That's the one Liam has.

  • LAURA: Let one live.

  • ORION: And the one right here is...?

  • LIAM: The one by me is weak.

  • MATT: Both of them are pretty weak right now, actually.

  • ORION: I think I can step next to Percy without stepping into that cloud.

  • MATT: So you can step over Grog, get around here, you mean?

  • LAURA: (laughs) Honk.

  • TRAVIS: That's-- come on.

  • ORION: Sorry, excuse me, Grog, pardon.

  • I will shoot a firebolt at the butthole across the way.

  • MATT: There? All right. Go ahead and roll for the attack.

  • ORION: 14.

  • MATT: 14.

  • Unfortunately does not hit.

  • You aim, and it manages to just pull out of the way.

  • LAURA: Oh my gosh.

  • MATT: Vex. You're up.

  • LAURA: Me?

  • MATT: Yes.

  • LAURA: I step over, and I try to shoot the one that he just--

  • I stay out of the stink.

  • MATT: There you go, yeah.

  • Pull back-- (imitates bow shooting arrow)

  • LAURA: All right.

  • MATT: Roll to attack.

  • LAURA: 23.

  • MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

  • LAURA: 8.

  • MATT: That's enough.

  • As the arrow (imitates arrow flying), careens off, slams into the chest.

  • (groans) It catches itself, steps back,

  • and plummets off the side of the cliff

  • onto the lower floor about 20 feet down.

  • Smack, onto the ground.

  • LAURA: And I ask Scanlan to dispel the stank cloud.

  • TALIESIN: Dispel the stank.

  • LAURA: And I yell-- Can I yell out "surrender" in Undercommon?

  • MATT: You yell out, (speaks angry gibberish)!

  • (Laura speaks angry gibberish)

  • MATT: Make an intimidation check.

  • TRAVIS: That was a very good Klingon translation.

  • LAURA: Klingon.

  • (Liam speaks angry gibberish)

  • Whoa! Okay.

  • Um, eight.

  • MATT: Eight?

  • LAURA: Eight.

  • LIAM: What is with the dice tonight?

  • MATT: It rolled a one.

  • (group cheers)

  • MATT: It looks around and its circumstances being extremely dire.

  • It drops its weapons, falls to its knees.

  • At your mercy.

  • That's where we'll end the game tonight.

  • SAM: Oh! TALIESIN: Hey!

  • TRAVIS: What?!

  • MATT: Yeah.

  • LAURA: You're, you're-- yeah.

  • SAM: Grog is brain dead.

  • MARISHA: I was gonna say, can I go over and heal Grog before we end?

  • TRAVIS: I'm Vanilla Sky right now.

  • MATT: Nope, we're picking up next week.

  • LAURA: Oh no.

  • LIAM: Just five more hours, Matt. Just five more hours.

  • MATT: We'll say for the circumstance here,

  • you go ahead and spend a healing spell on him.

  • His wounds mend, no effect on his catatonic state.

  • (group groans)

  • SAM: We have to wait a week.

  • MATT: Well guys, that's episode two of Critical Role.

  • (laughs)

  • MARISHA: Damn it.

  • MATT: I hope you enjoyed it.

  • Remember to tell your friends to come watch.

  • We'll be back next week, Thursday at 7:00.

  • I know the schedule said seven to nine.

  • We usually run a little later.

  • Because D&D and why not?

  • LAURA: Oh, is this seven to nine?

  • MATT: It says seven to nine in the schedule,

  • but we consider seven to ten.

  • But yeah, hope you guys had fun.

  • Thank you so much for watching.

  • Hope we will have our donations up next week.

  • Feel free to check it out.

  • This is Zac, our amazing master of all awesomeness

  • on this Twitch channel.

  • Hey Zac, what's going on?

  • ZAC: Hey, good job, guys.

  • MATT: Thank you, thank you.

  • ZAC: You got a thousand subscribers.

  • (group cheers)

  • ZAC: Crazy, that's like, two weeks in.

  • MATT: Yeah, I know.

  • You go, Nyal. We'll get you your stuff.

  • MARISHA: Yeah, you get a Player's Handbook. That's lucky.

  • ZAC: We'll get you your shit!

  • I gotta print that photo so you guys can all sign it.

  • MATT: Yes yes, let's go do that.

  • ZAC: No, it'll probably be sent to you next Friday,

  • 'cause we'll have you guys sign it next Thursday.

  • LAURA: Sounds good.

  • MATT: Okay, cool.

  • TRAVIS: Zac, do you have any renew intelligence potions on you, by chance?

  • ZAC: For you?

  • TRAVIS: Yeah.

  • ZAC: No.

  • TRAVIS: Shit.

  • MATT: Sorry buddy.

  • ZAC: So we're not going offline for the night yet.

  • These guys are gonna head out

  • and Lucas and I are gonna play some Hotline Miami 2.

  • For an hour, hour and a half.

  • MATT: There you go, rock it out.

  • ZAC: You know, just to close out the night with a subscriber-only chat

  • to say thank you to our thousand subscribers.

  • And tomorrow night we will be back with So You Don't Have to,

  • which is a show where Hector and Becca play the weirdest games

  • they can find online, so you don't have to.

  • MARISHA: Nice.

  • (Matt laughs)

  • ZAC: And then we finish off tomorrow night with Gather Your Party,

  • which is just a big party where we're going to be celebrating

  • getting 1000 subscribers, playing some board games.

  • We have a band coming in to play.

  • MATT: Awesome.

  • ZAC: It's gonna be a good time.

  • We might even have a DJ spinning some-- I don't know.

  • How do you say it?

  • Spinning?

  • TRAVIS: Some tunes.

  • MATT: Spin tunes.

  • TRAVIS: Dropping some dope beats.

  • ORION: On the ones and twos. Ones and twos.

  • ZAC: So thank you guys again.

  • Lucas, if you wanna go ahead and roll those videos,

  • and we'll get you guys out of here.

  • MATT: Thank you guys for watching.

  • ALL: Bye!

MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to the second episode

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グリスパイン鉱山の中へ - クリティカルロールRPGショー。エピソード2 (Into the Greyspine Mines - Critical Role RPG Show: Episode 2)

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    Xinder Diamond Chen に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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