"God bless America".

Once again, respectfully, I say to myself

What the fuck does that mean?

"God bless America"? Is that a request?

Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion?

Politicians say it at the end of every speech,

as if it was some kind of verbal tic

that they can't get rid of:

"God bless you and God bless America!"

"God bless you and God bless America!"

I guess they figured if they leave it out...

Somebody's gonna think they're bad Americans!

Let me tell you a little secret about God folks:

God does not give a flying fuck about America, okay?

He doesn't care. He never cared about this country.

He never has, he never will, he doesn't care about this country

any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania,

Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole.

He simply doesn't care, okay. He doesn't care.

Listen, look, there are two hundred countries in the world now,

Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around

picking out his favorites?

Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country?

And why would it be America, out of all the countries?

Because we have the most money?

Because he likes our national anthem?

Maybe it's because he heard we have...

18 delicious flavours of "Classic Rice-a-Roni".

It's delusional thinking and Americans are not alone

with these sort of delusions.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed

with brainwashed, dead soldiers

who were convinced God was on their side:

Americans pray for God to destroy our enemies.

Our enemies pray for God to destroy us.

Somebody's gonna be disappointed.

Somebody's wasting their fucking time...

Could it be...

Everyone?

Now...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

If people wanna say: "God bless America!"

that's their business, I don't care

but here's what I don't understand:

If they say "God bless America!",

presumably, they believe in God...

And if they do, they must have heard...

"God loved everyone", that's what he said,

he loved everyone and he loved them equally.

So why would these people ask God

to do something that went against his own teachings?

You know what these "God bless America" people ought to do?

They ought to check with their Jesus fella they're so crazy about.

They're always talking about "What would Jesus do...

What would Jesus do?"

They don't wanna know so they can do it, they just wanna know

so they can tell other people to do it.

Well, I'll tell you what Jesus would have done.

I'll tell you what Jesus would have done,

he would have gone up to the top

of the Empire state building and said:

"God bless everyone around the world forever and ever,

until the end of time".

That's what Jesus would have done, and that's

what these people should do or else they should admit

that "God bless America" is really just some sort of an

empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like..

"Good luck!"

"Good luck, America... You're on your own!"

... Which is a little bit closer to the truth!

Here's a civic custom that I don't understand - maybe you can help me -

Taking off your hat when a flag passes by,

or when some jackoff at the ballpark starts

singing the national anthem.

They tell you to take off your hat.

What the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic.

What possible relationship exists between the uncovered head,

and a feeling that ought to live in your heart.

Suppose you have a red, white and blue hat!

Suppose you have a hat made out of a flag!

Why would you take it off to honor the flag?

Wouldn't you leave it on?

And point it toward the flag!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And, what's so bad about hats that you have to take 'em off?

Why not take off your pants?!

Or your shoes! They tell you that at the airport.

They say: "Take off your shoes!"

They tell you it's a national security.

So taking off your shoes could be patriotic too!

I started to question all this stupid hat-shit

when I was a kid. When I was a kid I was Catholic.

At least until I reached the age of reason, okay.

So, I was a Catholic for about two, two and a half years..

Something like that.

And during that time, one of the things the told us was

that if a boy or a man entered a church,

he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of God

But, they already told me that God was everywhere!

So I used to wonder: "Well if God is everywhere...

Why would you even own a hat? Why not show your respect...

Don't even buy a fucking hat!"

And just to confuse things further..

They told the women exactly the opposite!

Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads

when they went into church.

Same as in certain temples, Jewish men have to cover their heads.

In those same temples Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads.

So try to figure this shit out:

Catholic men and Jewish women: no hats!

Catholic-- Catholic women and Jewish men: hats!

Somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backwards,

don't you think?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And what is this religious fascination with headgear?!

Every religion's got a different fucking hat!

Do you ever notice that?

The Hindus have a turban,

The Sikhs have a tall white turban..

The Jews have a Yarmulke,

Muslims have the Keffiyeh,

The bishop has a pointy hat on one day

and a round hat on another day,

Cardinal has a red hat,

Pope has a white-- Everyone's got a fucking hat!

One group takes 'em off, other group puts 'em on!

Personally I would never want to be a member

of any group, where you either have to wear a hat,

or you can't wear a hat.

I think--

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I think all religions should have one rule

and one rule only: hats optional!

That's all you need to run a really good religion.

Here's another one of these civic customs:

Swearing on the Bible. You understand that shit?

They tell you to raise your right hand,

place your left hand on the Bible.

Does this stuff really matter? Which hand?

Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

Suppose you put your right hand on the bible and

raise your left hand. Would that count?

Or would God say: "Sorry, wrong hand! Try again!"

And why does one hand have to be raised?

What is the magic in this gesture?

This seems like some sort of a primitive Voodoo-Mojo shtick.

Why not put your left hand on the Bible,

let your right hand hang down by your side.

It's more natural! Or put it in your pocket!

Remember what your mother used to say:

"Don't put your hands in your pocketss!"

Does she know something we don't know?

Is this hand shit really important?

Let's get back to the Bible:

America's favorite national theatrical prop.

Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down.

Or backward! Or both!

And you swear to tell the truth on

an upside down, backward Bible!

Would that count?

Suppose... The Bible they hand you is an old Bible

and half the pages are missing!

Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible..

- In an American court. -

Or a Braille Bible and you're not blind!

Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward,

Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND LAUGHING]

At what point does all of this stuff break down

and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up.

They fucking made it up folks! It's make-believe!

It's make-believe!

Okay... Now...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Let's leave the Bible aside,

we'll get back to the science fiction reading later.

The more important question is:

What is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place?

Why does swearing to God mean you're gonna tell the truth?

Wouldn't affect me. If they said to me:

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

I'd say: "Yeah!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll tell you about as much truth as the people

who wrote that fucking Bible, how do you like that? Huh?

Swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything..

Swearing to God is kid stuff.

Remember when you were a kid?

If you told another kid something he didn't quite believe

he'd say: "Do you swear to God?"

I'd always say: "Yeah! I swear to God!", even if I was lying!

Why not? What's gonna happen if I lie? Nothing!

Nothing happens if you lie! Unless you get caught...

And that's a whole different story!

Sometimes a kid would think he was being slick with me

and he'd say: "You swear on your mother's grave?"

I'd say: "Yeah! Why not?!"

First of all, my mother was alive, she didn't even have a grave!

Second of all, even if she was dead, what's she gonna do?

Rise from the grave and come and haunt me? Come and haunt me?

All because I told a lie to an eight year-old?

Get fucking real, will ya!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND LAUGHING]

Sometimes I would say: "I swear on my mother's tits!"

Kids are impressed with things like that!

I mean I don't care about my mother's tits either,

I don't care if they fell off! Fuck her!

Not my problem, they're your tits, Ma,

You keep an eye on 'em!

Swearing to God doesn't mean anything,

Swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything,

you know why? Because Bible or no Bible,

God or no God,

if it suits their purposes, people are gonna lie in court.

The police do it all the time. All the time.

Yes they do.

It's part of their job:

To protect.. To serve..

And to commit perjury whenever it supports the state's case.

Swearing on the Bible is just one more way to

control people and keeping them in line

and it's one more thing that holds us back as a species.

Here's one more item for you, the last on our civic's book:

Rights.

Boy, everyone in this country is always running around

yammering about their fucking rights:

"I have a right... You have no right...

We have a right... They don't have a right..."

Folks, I hate to spoil your fun, but...

There's no such thing as rights, okay?

They're imaginary, we made 'em up.

Like the Boogeyman,

The Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio, Mother Goose,

shit like that.

Rights are an idea; they're just imaginary.

They're a cute idea! Cute, but that's all.

Cute and fictional.

But if you think you do have rights, let me ask you this:

Where do they come from?

People say: "Well they come from God! They're God-given rights!"

Oh, fuck, here we go again...