That means it's allow to drink, according to Good Parents.

So, let's talk about every Halo game.

[garbage truck clanking]

At MacWorld 1999, Halo was announced by the one and only Jesus Christ.

It was going to be a Mac exclusive and have dinosaurs.

But, then, Microsoft did a Microsoft and stole it.

The game was going to be on the Xbox One.

Yes, the console that was five percent box and ninety percent controller.

Halo: Combat Evolved has nine levels and one mental stability test.

The story's simple: in the year 2552, humans are at war with the Covenant...

and we are losing, which is bullshit–they are eight races; we are one, so they should be disqualified.

You play as John.

But that name is too generic for a main character, so he's called Master Chief.

The game starts with the boys in blue attacking our ship, so we leave the ship and land on the space ring, Halo.

Is it the same Halo as in the title?

No. They never call it Combat Evolved.

There's this level, but it's boring, so we travel to the night level to find the ship's captain,

and he tells us that the aliens that speak American told him of an awesome beach.

So we go there to look for chicks, but instead, Master Chief finds Halo's map.

Then there's an awesome snow level, and here, we find out that the Covenant fucked up.

The ring is a prison for the Flood.

The Flood are intergalactic parasitic organi–zombies!

They are space zombies!

Now, we have to rescue the captain because he's still out there, looking for chicks.

Aw, we're too late!

A blue ball named 343 Guilty Spark tells us, to kill the Flood, we have to activate the ring.

But then Siri gets angry.

Turns out the rings were build by an ancient alien race called the Forerunners–

short for, "Before Runners," because they never invented running–

there was no space case in [???].

The Forerunner fought the Flood and didn't stand a chance because guess what the Flood could do?

Too lazy to come up with a good solution, they built rings that could end all life in the Universe.

The rings are WMDs.

That's right, George. You forgot to check the Milky Way!

So she's like, "This AI was made in America, baby! Let's blow up this ring!"

The only way to blow it up is to punch the captain, who is now a tree, in the face.

Analyzing... we have five minutes before the fusion drive detonates!

♪ Da-da-da-daaaaaa da! Da-da-da-daaaaaaa da! Da-da-da– ♪

This jump... every fucking time.

That was the best game ever, and back then, I was worried that there wouldn't be a sequel

because I was too stupid to understand capitalism.

Halo 2: Combat Evolved begins directly after the book, Halo: First Strike.

In it, Chief has to travel from Halo to Earth.

But how will he get through security with all those weapons?

Also, the Covenant has discovered Earth.

A soldier took a selfie and one of them said, "Hey, I know that place!"

It begins with a Covenant trial.

This is the Arbiter. He was in charge of protecting this thing.

It went, ah, mediocre.

Somehow, he's going to be tortured!

No need for that! Just use some... tape.

Then the Covenant invade Earth and we, the humans, beat the shit out of them.

But one cruiser gets through and attacks, uh... Kenya?!

Wait... "cruise," not "cruiser."

They aren't invading; they are tourists!

They want to see the tigers!

Then, like most tourists, they transport the city to another side of the Universe, and we follow.

Here, they discover a brand new Combat Evolved.

Then, we get to play as the Arbiter.

He has been tasked by the Covenant Prophet leaders to kill some rebels.

So he does that.

They had been led astray by 343, just like all those people online.

To blow up the other Halo ring, Master Chief had to punch a captain in the face,

so he tries the same strategy here, but it doesn't work.

And, then... I'm not going to make the obvious joke.

Covenant releases the Flood again, and the Prophets decide that the Arbiter and his kind

are too competent and good at fighting, so they betray them.

The subtitle for Halo 2 should be, "Covenant Keeps Fucking Up."

They meet Gravemind, who is part-time leader of the Flood, and part-time motivational coach.

So, he sends the Arbiter to achieve his dream of saving the galaxy,

and he sends Master Chief to achieve his dream of punching the Covenant Prophets in the face.

Arbiter succeeds; Master Chief does not.

The game ends with the Prophets' Truth being on a ship to Earth,

and Master Chief saying, "Sir, finishing this–"

Halo 2 was the first game with matchmaking.

Before matchmaking, you'd be a regular at the server and be forced to meet that one guy.

But, with a new system, you can meet a new that-one-guy every single day,

yet it also united us. It doesn't matter what country you are from, because on every corner of this blue planet,

kids are fucking idiots.

Halo 3: Finish the Fight...

♪ [fanfare] ♪

...was the last good game ever made.

It had the biggest game launch of all time,

and it kept that title for less than a year.

Fucking bowling!

The game got amazing scores from everyone, except New York Times,

but I wouldn't give their city a nine, either.

Halo 3 begins with Master Chief crash-landing on Earth, and then he dies.

Then that repeats several times because he had a bad checkpoint.

The Prophet Truth is on Earth, and he's looking for the Ark,

a halo remote detonator the size of Jupiter,

and he thinks he's gonna find in–

♪ Kenya! ♪

Really? Again, you're not gonna find it in–

I spoke too soon.

Truth opens a portal to the Ark.

We go off after him so we can finish the fight.

♪ [fanfare] ♪

There it is!

Why's it called the Ark?

Yes, you see, the Forerunners just fucking loved Raiders, but doesn't?

343 is here, and he says that the story is too much fun and not over-complicated enough.

All the levels so far have been kind of "meh," or alright.

Then this one shows up, and all is forgiven.

Oh, noes! Truth is about to activate every ring!

But Arbiter stabbed him! Yay, Arbiter, finish the fight!

♪ [fanfare] ♪

Oh, fuck! Gravemind!

Because Halo 3 is the last Halo game, they make a bunch of reference to the older games,

like Halo 1 had this weapon, so does Halo 3; Halo 1 had a shitty Flood level, so Halo 3 needs a shitty Flood level,

and at the end of the game, they even did the, "♪ Da-da-da-daaaaaaa da! ♪" car thing.

And Master Chief is dead. Turns out the only way to finish the fight–♪ [fanfare] ♪–was to kill the fighter.

Halo 3 had the best multiplayer of all time.

Seriously, the map "Construct" alone is probably better than World of Warcraft.

It's the game I've played the most.

My team was even number one MLG...

Europe.

It was like ten [???] teams or something.

So why didn't I go pro, you ask?

My teammates held me back...

...by being better than me.

The game was unbalanced, though.

If you had this helmet, you could not lose.

Halo 3 also had map-making.

I remember spending hundreds of hours just finishing one map.

If I had spent that time studying math, I could have had a good job right now.

Fuck you, Forge! You ruined my life!

When they first announced a Halo strategy game, I was like, "Wow! Awesome! Awesome possum!"

I was gonna have the Flood as my main.

But in the game, you could not play as Flood.

I guess it's my own fault for having unrealistic expectations,

but I was born in the 90s, damn it!

This is everyone else's fault!

So I sent an e-mail to Bill Gates.

Turns out, he was also going to main Flood, and he had the wrath of a thousand stars.

We both agreed that he should shut down the studio.

I am the sole reason for no Age of Empires IV.

A big problem with the Halo franchise is that the games are set all over the Universe,

and not a single one set exclusively in Kenya.

So, they made Halo ODST, a game where you run around this one city

looking for a certain someone's real birth certificate.

I don't like Halo ODST because it's 40 minutes long and I had to pay full price for it.

Though, it has the best soundtrack ever.

Halo Gray [Reach] is a prequel about a planet that fell to the Covenant.

The story is that Reach falls and everyone dies.

Not everyone. The last mission, you escort Cortana, who is a main character.

Did I ever introduce her?

Should have talked about her in, like, the first five sentences,

so I–I'm gonna pretend she's not important.

In Halo lore, the destruction of Reach really hurt humanity.

Much like how the game, Reach, really hurt the Halo franchise.

It didn't kill Halo. Only competitive Halo.

Halo 2 and 3 had a one to fifty ranking system.

This is relevant, but it would take too long to explain, and I am lazy, so...

can you all pretend I made some good arguments?

Weapons were random, Bungie's own maps were terrible, so you'd better like the color gray!

And, take it away, GameTrailers.

GT VO: The only ability we're not fond of is Armor Lock.

KILLIAN: This fucking piece of shit garbage made the game unplayable.

Did Reach do some good stuff?

Probably. But complaining is easier.

Anyways, Bungie left Microsoft and made this game, that is three games in one.

You maniacs! You blew it up!

Damn you all to hell!

"Hey, Melvin! I put everything good about Reach in the bag under the blue painting.

"Then, I put everything bad about Reach under the azure painting.

Can you bring the bag to 343?"

Okay, fine. Halo 4 is not necessarily worse than Himmler.

The game starts with Master Chief being awoken by, uh...

himself?

Then a bunch of complicated bullshit happens

and Master Chief won't shut the fuck up throughout the entire game.

What part of "silent protagonist" do you not understand?

This guy is the antagonist, and the game ends with, uh...

no one dying.

Considering Halo 4 is the worst game of all time, the campaign isn't that bad.

Should probably back up my claim about Halo 4 being the worst

by talking about weapon drops and equal footing.

But, instead, I'm going to resort to childish insults.

You are dog shit! I didn't think it was within the laws of physics to make such a bad game!

After only twelve months, both Reach and Halo 3 has more active players than Halo 4.

This fucking nineteen year old game was destroying this completely new game.

Okay, the truth is Halo 3 went free-to-play exactly one year later,

but this video is very biased.

434, please fix!

With the last game being disliked, and the Xbox One selling fewer units than the Zune,

Halo 5 was guaranteed to underperform.

So Microsoft declared it the most successful Halo game of all time,

proving magic is real.

They also had to remove co-op because Xbone is weaker than Commodore 64.

Some people didn't like the last game's complex plot,

so what if it was complex and also awful?

[laughing:] Halo 5's campaign is such a giant piece of shit, seriously!

In the game, Master Chief is being chased by Luke Cage for three hours.

Featuring cut scenes! What if I could play this?

A bunch of people I don't give a fuck about, and the shit ending.

Most people just want a fun space adventure.

Tatoo that on your arms.

But what about multiplayer?

Haven't played it that much, though I thought it was fun.

Just not what I wanted.

And, currently, Halo 5 does have a fantastic map-maker.

On console!

Get your shit together, PC!

Anyways, next Halo game would be Halo Wars 2, by Creative Assembly,

so don't expect any more Total Wars.

And that is the Killian Experience.

On my Patreon, I have started a behind-the-scenes commentary series

called, "What the Heck was I Thinking?"

First episode is the Civilization video.

If you are interested in that, consider supporting.