Okay.

No, I need sex help from you.

Good one.

I'm serious. You're the only one who can help.

What?

I'm still alive.

Yes, you are cold-blooded and alive, which is why I need your advice. It's Carly. She has a horrible fetish.

What?

You're still alive and you called a fetish horrible.

Yes, normally I am sex positive but Carly's thing is unheard of. She wants to have the kind of sex you have.

Infrequent?

No, she wants to have the kind of sex I imagine you have if, slash, when you have sex.

Straight sex?

Alison! Carly wants to have... loving sex.

Oh! I love loving sex, because it leads to love which leads to engagement which leads to marriage.

Ugh! Okay, please don't be so vulgar.

Just go back to the sex part, okay? How do I have it?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about that.

Drop the Victorian act, Raskin. I need you, this is life or death.

Not really, loving sex is actually super safe... If you use a condom.

Carly is very hot. Mega-hot. Evan-Rachel-Wood-with-short-hair-hot.

Wow, this girl is so hot you're willing to get into loving sex with her? That's huge.

Please. I definitely would not ask, okay? But you're my only normative friend.

Alright. My advice is simple.

Go slow, make a lot of eye contact, and whisper nice things into her ear.

What kind of nice things?

I dunno, stuff like: "Your hair smells pretty,

and I can't wait to buy a home together in the future."

Ugh, and she'll like that?

Yeah! You can also stroke her face gently as foreplay and say:

(whispering) "I like you more than Gaby."

That always really works for me.

It just seems so demeaning.

Hey, stop being so judgemental about people's sexual preferences.

If I have to be okay listening to you anal beading in the next room,

you sure as shit can gently make love to a woman you actually care about.

Right, anything that's consensual is okay.

You say that all the time, so open your mind.

And the eye contact is...?

Non-negotiable.

Yuck...

Normal people are...too much.

I love it when you call me normal.

I feel like you're holding back.

No.

What aren't you telling me?

You can't handle it.

I once banged an entire Mid-Western family over the course of one summer, Allison,

so I think I can handle anything.

Fine.

The secret to loving sex isn't the sex itself. It's what happens after.

No...

Yes, Gaby. If you want to make Carly yours forever, you have to–

Don't say it!

Cuddle.

Mmm, I can't do this.

Wait! I need to explicitly describe pillow talk to you!

I'm gonna puke!

Picture this! Everyone's wearing clothes and talking about their feelings.

Ooh! Sign me up.

(outro music)

How'd it go?

Great. I told her if she's not getting what she wants from me,

she can get it from somewhere else. So...

Expect a call from an 818 area code.

Ugh, I think you might be a psychopath.

(sigh) But I'm not done with the book yet.

Oh wait, you're in the book.

(outro music)

Oh, hopes and dreams, tax returns, all sorts of good stuff.

(Gaby groans off-screen)

I love talking about taxes in bed. (laugh)

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