FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES, IT IS MY HONOR TO WELCOME BACK

MICHELLE OBAMA.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

>> YEAH!

>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> YOU, TOO.

YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET!

THANK YOU, GUYS.

>> Stephen: WELL, I HAVE KNOWN A FEW PEOPLE.

I HAVE KNOWN A FEW PEOPLE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., AND NOT ALL OF

THEM GET THAT KIND OF RECEPTION WHEN THEY GO SOMEPLACE.

SO YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THE EIGHT YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> YES.

ALMOST-- WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF THERE!

>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

IS IT AT ALL BITTERSWEET?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OR YOU'RE LIKE, "WHERE'S THE EXIT?"

>> IT'S DEFINITELY BITTERSWEET.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS, LIKE, THE LAST, YOU KNOW.

AND I FIND MYSELF CHOKING UP BECAUSE WE HAVE RAISED OUR KIDS

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

WE'VE HAD SO MANY AMAZING EXPERIENCES.

WE HAVE A PHENOMENAL STAFF.

WE LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE US AND CARE ABOUT US.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE WALKING AWAY FROM ALL THAT AND

IT'S JUST BEEN AN HONOR.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU HAD TO SAY TO THE KIDS, "BE PREPARED.

THE NEXT HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS."

>> I ACTUALLY MADE MY KIDS START PACKING THEIR ROOMS ALREADY.

IT'S LIKE, GET THIS DONE.

WELL, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T UPON TO KEEP IT TO THE LAST MINUTE.

>> MY THING SIF YOU DON'T PACK IT, I'M THROWING IT OUT.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

>> Stephen: THEN IT ENDS UP ON E-BAY.

>> IT'S ON E-BAY, I SELL IT.

YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: WELL, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION I HAVE TO ASK

YOU IS WHAT IS BEYONCE REALLY LIKE?

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SHE'S-- SHE'S SO TALENTED THAT I HAVE TROUBLE LOOKING AT HER

WITHOUT MY RETINAS BURNING OUT.

YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HANG OUT LIKE FRIENDS, RIGHT?

>> YOU SHOULDN'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE.

SHE'S A SPECIAL PERSON.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE BEYONCE'S BEYONCE?

SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU.

>> SHE'S A SWEETHEART.

SHE'S SMART.

SHE'S CREATIVE.

SHE'S A GREAT MOTHER.

SHE LOVES HER FAMILY.

SHE'SA-- YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST A LOW-KEY LADY.

SO WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON IN THAT WAY.

EXCEPT I CAN'T SING.

I CAN'T DANCE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YOU CAN DANCE.

I'VE SEEN YOU DANCE.

>> NOT LIKE BEYONCE.

>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS "ESSENCE"

MAGAZINE.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL-- ( APPLAUSE )

TALKING ABOUT YOUR EIGHT YEARS IN THERE.

BUT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS PICTURE, WHICH WHEN IT WAS

RELEASED, BURNED THE INTERNET TO GROUND, RIGHT THERE.

( APPLAUSE ) WHAT--

>> THAT'S ME AND MY BOO.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE LIKED YOU ALREADY.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO RELEASE THIS PHOTOGRAPH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING TO EACH OTHER THERE?

HOW DID THIS MOMENT COME ABOUT?

>> YOU KNOW, BARACK IS HORRIBLE IN PHOTO SHOOTS, AND I HATE

DOING PHOTO SHOOTS WITH HIM, SO I'M SURE RIGHT THERE I WAS

SAYING, "WOULD YOU JUST BE PATIENT AND STOP.

DON'T RUSH THE PHOTOGRAPHER."

HE'S LIKE, "I THINK WE GOT THE SHOT.

I CAN GO, CAN I GO?" "NO, YOU CAN'T GO."

THAT WAS EXACTLY-- BARACK HAS TWO SMILES FOR A PHOTO.

IT'S LIKE THIS SMILE OR THIS SMILE.

( LAUGHTER ) AND HE JUST SORT OF LIKE, "I

THINK WE'RE DONE.

WE HAVE IT."

AND IT'S LIKE, "NO, WE DIDN'T.

THESE PHOTOGRAPHERS THEY HAVE BEEN SETTING UP FOR HOURS."

HE COMESES IN AND SAYS, "I THINK I CAN GIVE YOU FIVE MINUTES."

I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX, SO THEY

CAUGHT THAT DISCUSSION.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S

HAPPENING RIGHT THERE?

>> CHILL OUT.

CHILL OUT.

>> Stephen: "PLEASE, PLEASE, JUST ONE MORE PHOTOGRAPH."

>> AND HE'S LIKE, "REALLY?" >> Stephen: WHO IS IT HARD

TORE GET TO STAND FOR A PHOTOGRAPH, YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR

CHILDREN?

>> OH, MY HUSBAND, WITHOUT A DOUBT.

WELL-- YEAH, HIM.

HE'S TOUGH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY HIM OR BO AND SONNY.

>> Stephen: WELL?

>> HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, THAT SMILE,

THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD IMPRESSION OF YOUR HUSBAND.

DO YOU DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOUR HUSBAND?

>> WE ALL THREE OF US HAVE GOOD IMPRESSIONS OF BARACK.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND SHARING A LITTLE BIT?

>> IT'S USUALLYT DINNER TABLE BECAUSE YOU KNOW-- MALIA WILL

START IT BECAUSE SHE USUALLY ASKS SERIOUS QUESTION.

"DAD, TELL US ABOUT YOUR KAY.

AND WHAT ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION ON GLOBAL WARMING?"

AND SASHA AND I ARE LIKE, "NO, DON'T GET HIM STARTED."

AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, I'M GLAD-- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT.

LET ME JUST-- LET ME JUST ANSWER THAT IN THREE POINTS.

ONE--" AND THEN ONE-"A," AND ONE-"A" AND "B."

AND SASHA AND ARE LIKE OH!

>> Stephen: YOU'RE LIKE, PROFESSOR, CAN I AUDIT THIS

LECTURE?

>> BECAUSE SASHA AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE SONG ON

THE "LEMONADE" ALBUM.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE IS THERE I HEARD YOU SAY ABOUT THE

PRESIDENT THAT HE LEAVES THE JOB AT THE DOOR WHEN HE COMES INTO

THE RESIDENTIAL PART OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> HE DOES.

>> Stephen: IS THAT REALLY TRUE?

I CAN'T LEAVE MY JOB AT THE DOOR.

HOW DOES HE LEAVE THAT AT THE DOOR?

>> YOU KNOW, AT LEAST OUR TIME TOGETHER.

WHEN HE FIRST WALKS IN, WE HAVE DINNER.

IT'S USUALLY DINNER TIME.

SO THAT'S THE TIME WHEN UNLESS MALIA ASKS HIM ABOUT HIS WORK,

WHICH WE TRY NOT TO HAVE HER DO, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS, YOU

KNOW.

"HOW WERE YOUR DAYS?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S THE LATEST GOSSIP?" HE'S REALLY INTO GOSSIP, SO YOU

CAN GET HIM-- BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, BUT HE'S GOT

THE N.S.A., AND HE CAN FIND OUT WHAT ANY OF US ARE THINKING.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SO BEING THE FIRST LADY, BEING THE FIRST LADY, OBVIOUSLY, IS A

LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

IT'S A GREAT HONOR AT THE SAME TIME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FIRST LADY-- WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THE LAST

EIGHT YEARS-- DO YOU HAVE ANY FIRST LADY FAUX PASS, LIKE "I

CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MOMENT?" >> SO MANY OF THEM.

THEY USUALLY INVOLVE PRONOUNCING SOMEBODY'S NAME WRONG.

I'M SO HORRIBLE.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

>> OH, GOD, NAMES ARE SO HARD.

AND I PRACTICE AND I TRY TO GET-- AND THEN I GET UP THERE

AND I MESS IT UP.

EVEN NAMES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.

I MEAN, KIDS THESE DAYS, THEIR NAMES.

I MEAN-- I CAN TELL YOU, I THINK I'VE GOT IT RIGHT.

I'M LOOKING AT THE NAME CARD, AND IT'S LIKE, NO, IT'S NOT

TERRY, IT'S TER-REE.

I'M USUALLY JUST LIKE, "HEY, SWEETIE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

I HAVE GIVEN UP ON THAT.

>> Stephen: IT'S COLBERT, YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE "T."

>> AND IT'S NOT STEVE.

IT'S STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING.

>> I REMEMBER THAT, I REMEMBER.

>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.

>> BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY TOUCHY ABOUT THAT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: WAS THERE-- CAN YOU HAVE AN "OH, MY GOD MOMENT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

THIS FUN THING I GOT TO DO."

>> SO MANY.

SLEEPOVER AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> YEAH, WHAT?

>> Stephen: DID YOU AND THE QUEEN PAINT EACH OTHER'S

TOENAILS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> NO, THEY HOSTED US FOR THE STATE DINNER.

WHEN YOU'RE THE GUEST COUNTRY YOU STAY AT THE PALACE.

I REMEMBER ORDERING FRENCH FRIES AT THE PALACE.

THEY WERE GOOD.

>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE FRENCH FRIES AT THE WHITE HOUSE?

>> YES, YOU HAVEEG AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

DO YOU THINK -- >> MISS ORGANIC VEGETABLES.

>> HEY, HEY, NOT EVERY DAY.

BUT YOU KNOW.

I LOVE FRENCH FRIES.

I AM A BIG FRENCH FRY FANATIC.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO EAT VEGETABLES BECAUSE --

>> JUST TO BALANCE IT OUT.

>> TO BALANCE IT OUT, FOR SURE.

IT WOULD GET UGLY.

>> Stephen: YOU SAID TO OPRAH-- MY GOOD FRIEND OPRAH.

PLEASE SAY HI.

>> I WILL.

>> Stephen: THAT YOUR HUSBAND-- I WANT TO GET THIS

RIGHT-- YOU CALLED HIM SCITUATE SWAGGA-LICIOUS.

>> I DID.

>> Stephen: HOW IS SWAGGA-LICIOUSNESS ACHIEVED?

>> IT'S A PERSON THAT HAS A LOT OF SWAG.

AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SWAG IS, STEVE, YOU DEFINITELY DON'T

HAVE IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK

IT'S TIME TO GO TO A COMMERCIAL.

I'LL WORK ON MY SWAG.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.