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  • Okay okay okay I'm so excited I'm so excited to do this

  • Hi there my pretty chickens!

  • let me first introduce myself. My name's Jon Cozart,

  • you may not recognize me because now that it's 2016, I'm a

  • BRAND NEW ME, baby!

  • hey, okay. Enough. Every year I end up breaking a ton

  • new years resolutions like last year I told myself

  • "Jon, okay, stop doing so much strenuous activity,

  • you're gonna hurt yourself", and then I ended up working out all year and got super hot so...

  • 2016 is the year of Jon Cozart.

  • It's my year.

  • My year!

  • It is my year according to my manager and my mother.

  • And yeah I'm choosing to ignore that fact that my manager has to love me because of mo-

  • I spent New Year's in Austin

  • and midnight was a bit of a mess... I'll get to that a little later,

  • but during the day I met up with all of my old college buddies

  • we had a ten event decathlon, we competed against each other,

  • head to head to figure out who was the best human being.

  • Uh... we started with bowling.

  • Right now it's a dead heat between me and Marshal for the win,

  • we're on the tenth frame.

  • Survivor, friendly islands.

  • Pause. I realize watching strangers bowl is kind of boring,

  • so that's why I've decided to temporarily convert Paint

  • into the Lonely Bowling Channel.

  • Welcome to the lonely bowling channel,

  • your one stop shop for all your New Year's Eve decathlon bowling related events,

  • I'm your host Jon Coco. And with me here today is Mark D... oh.

  • I am alone.

  • Marshal needs his pin to seal his victory otherwise Jon has the oppurtunity to catch up,

  • Oh, he misses!

  • He missed like I miss my dad everyday.

  • You got daddy issues Mark?

  • Mark?

  • Everybody focus here. Jon's up to plate he's ready to score that touch down.

  • Get a birdy on this hoop and win.

  • He's gonna go for it. The crowd is in shambles!

  • He shoots!

  • HE SCORES! (Cheers)

  • (sad music)

  • Look at his face of failure! (Nooooooooo) *Evil laughter*

  • After bowling there were nine other events in this decathlon

  • like pinball, Marshal won that,

  • Nintendo Land, Marshal won that,

  • (Cheering and booing)

  • Egg toss, the egg toss.

  • Whoa, oa oa, oh, YES!

  • Stop, please! Spin move! Spin move!

  • Wayne won that. Okay? But Wayne's partner was Marshal so technically

  • But who's the best bowler?

  • Noo!

  • And really, what is winning?

  • When you look back at these events, nobody's gonna remember Marshal winning pinball.

  • They're going to remember Krissy, jumping into the shot

  • scooping in on a comical oppurtunity.

  • They'll remember Tearney, bathing in red tickets.

  • They'll remember this band-aid sticking it out on that jackpot machine.

  • They'll remember Wayne, putting dirty coins in his mouth.

  • And then putting a raw egg in his mouth; which shouldn't bother you, because those eggs would not break.

  • Pretty sure we bought organic goose eggs from a giant's farmer's market in the sky.

  • Jack and the beanstalk reference... Killin' it! Oooohooohoo.

  • Moving on, night, I... I drank a– a ton of apple cider. Right,

  • and it had alcohol in it.

  • I stole a glass from another bar.

  • Happy New Year! (Happy New Year! Yeah!)

  • Then we went to this silent bar, which like, why does that exist?

  • Bars are supposed to be loud, so that in order to have a conversation with somebody

  • you gotta get intimately close to them and then kiss 'em.

  • With your lips.

  • Anyways I had an awakening, religious experience brought on by... maybe it was the cider,

  • maybe it was the Bieber. The science is not in.

  • In that moment I felt like I wasn't living. (ding) Shhh...

  • Like i wasn't living to my full potential as a human being.

  • And like an Italian pizza shop owner who just received a 20 dollar bill for a 4 dollar slice of pepperoni

  • I realized

  • I gotta make a change.

  • I mean how many videos did I make in 2015?

  • 4?

  • One was sponsored, two were vlogs, and the last one was Star Wars in 99 seconds.

  • Which I'm extremely proud of, please go watch it. Here's an annotation here's a card if you're on your phone.

  • I'll wait.

  • I can't take it any MOREEEEE!!

  • If i don't start growing up right now, I'm never gonna grow up.

  • No stop. Unlike Peter Pan,

  • whether or not I decide to grow up, I'm still gonna age.

  • That's gonna happen, it's already happening. Look at these eye bags.

  • Okay?

  • Sidenote, if you know how to get rid of these... Like is that genetic or...

  • I'm making a change folks. And not like "how about I increase my video output from 4 videos a year to..."

  • "5?"

  • No, I'm making a real change. This is the year of Jon Cozart, baby!

  • And if you don't believe me, believe my mother.

  • Hey mom? What year is it?

  • 2016.

  • Who's year is it?

  • Um...

  • Donald Trump's? *laughter*

Okay okay okay I'm so excited I'm so excited to do this

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新年、新メ (New Year, New Meh)

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    Teresa Chiang に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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