Everyone listen up

uh

If you can’t write, in the proper way

If you don’t know, how to conjugate

Maybe you flunked that class

And maybe now you find that people mock you online.

Okay, now here’s the deal I’ll try to educate ya

Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature

You’ll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions

Literacy’s your mission

And that’s why I think it’s a GOOD TIME to learn some grammar

Now, did I stammer? Work on that grammar

it’s “less” or it’s “fewer”

Like people who were never raised in a sewer

—Word Crimes!

Like “I could care less”

That means you do care at least a little

You’d better slow down and use the right pronoun

Show the world you’re no clown

Say you’ve got an “i-t” followed by apostrophe “s”

Now, what does that mean?

You would not use “it’s” in this case as a possessive

It’s a contraction What’s a contraction?

Okay, now here are some notes— Syntax you’re always mangling

No “x” in “Espresso” Your participle’s dangling

But I don’t want your drama

If you really wanna leave out that Oxford comma

Just keep in mind that “be”, “see”, “are”, “you” are words, not letters

Get it together Use your spell checker

—write words using numbers

Unless you’re seven

Or your name is Prince!

You really need a full-time proofreader, you dumb mouth-breather

—some cunning linguist

To help you distinguish what is proper English

One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due

Learn to diagram a sentence, too Always say “to whom”; don’t ever say “to who”

And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis

You finished second grade; I hope can tell if you’re doing good or doing well

Better figure out the difference irony is not coincidence

And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull about what’s figurative and what’s literal

Oh, but just now, you said, you “literally couldn’t get out of bed”

That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head!

—e-mail

It’s quite apparent, your grammar’s errant You’re incoherent

Go back to preschool Get out of the gene pool

Try your best to not drool

Word Crimes!