-I'm here with Chris -CHRIS.

And today we're giving you some top tips on what to do in the event

-of a heavily bleeding wound! -YES.

AAARGH! Wha... DID YOU JUST STAB ME?!

If you've been stabbed, it's very important not to panic.

SWEET MOTHER OF BUTTS IT BURNS!!

DID YOU COVER THE BLADE IN SALT?!

The first thing you need to do is put pressure on your pain hole

to stop or slow the flow of blood.

No matter how salty or delicious it might be...

Mmmm...

DID YOU LACE THIS KNIFE WITH TINY BEES?!?

Just keep pressure on the wound. Hold it all in and never let go

like you're repressing dark fantasies.

AAAH! THE SALTY BEES ARE IN MY FACE!!

Now call for an ambulance.

If you live in the UK dial 999.

THEY'RE IN MY EYES!!

If you live in the US dial 911

BUZZING IN MY EEEEYYYYEEESSS!!!

If you live in another country

I'm so sorry...

Ahh...ahh...HELP! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!

[phone] Okay, you want mushrooms on that?

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PHONE?!

Here are some top tips for passing the time waiting for an ambulance.

Read a book! Write a book! Book a holiday for your book!

Or think about WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO DESERVE THIS.

-A large pizza with mushrooms? -Oh, wow! That was quick!

Well it sounded like an emergency!

Wait, what did you mean by "deserve this"?!

If you happen to come across someone bleeding their treacherous life away

you can help them by applying pressure to their wound.

Like the unrelenting pressure from the voices in your head...

OH! THERE ARE EVEN MORE BEES IN THE PIZZA!

And now for some top tips on how to avoid getting stabbed in the first place.

WHY WOULD YOU PUT BEES IN A PIZZA?!

1 - Don't go down dark alleyways.

2 - Avoid making eye contact with old ladies.

And 3 - Don't eat my sandwich.

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?! IS THAT WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT?!?!?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YO--

[sirens]

Next week, top tips on what to do with a dead body.

Bye bye!