- (pops) Well, lookie here!

Looks like we got someone in the market

for a new pair of shoes, hmm?

- Oh, I just got them, so I'm not looking anymore.

- A guy who knows what he likes and takes it.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- Oh, I'm just a door-to-door targeted

salesman and buddy, and I'm here to help.

- A targeted salesman?

- That's right.

I know your entire internet history,

your likes, your dislikes, your friends,

family, age, sex, location, where you've been,

where you're going, favorite websites,

and it's all to get you the stuff

you want when you want it!

- I just needed a new pair of shoes

and I got them, so thanks, but no thanks.

(whooshes)

How did you--

- Oh, I'm everywhere, and a good thing for you

and for your wallet.

Now, I don't show this to just anyone,

but I can tell you're a savvy customer,

so here is something that you

are guaranteed to like.

- Yeah, those are the shoes I just bought.

- I knew you'd like them.

- Yeah, but I just bought them,

so I don't need another pair.

- Ooh boy! You are one tough customer, you know that?

But that's alright.

You've got high standards, and I've got

the high quality goods to match.

So let me ask you this,

would you like a shirt that is designed

not to be tucked in, huh?

- No.

- Really?

- What about my search history

made you think I'd want that?

- You know what? Forget about it.

I'll bring it up later, okay?

- Please don't.

- Now, we have to talk Doc McStuffins.

How many Doc McStuffins toys

can I put you down for?

Eight? 10? 100? More?

What do you want?

- No, I don't like Doc McStuffin,

I was just looking for a gift for my niece.

- Oh, sure. Alright, I see what's going on here.

Now, if you decide you want some

Doc McStuffins toys for your niece,

you just come to me, okay, because I've got

all the Doc McStuffins merchandise.

McStuffins videos, McStuffins coloring books,

McStuffins pencils, I've got it all,

and I've got it all right here!

- Okay, no. Stop.

It was a one-time purchase.

- Now does that guy know I'd love to donate sperm.

- No, I don't know what I could have

possibly clicked on to make you think that!

- Okay, forget about it.

What you really need is a shirt

that's designed not to be tucked in, right?

- Goddammit.

- Or how about these shoes?

- I just got shoes.

- But these are a slightly different color.

- I don't need two pairs

of nearly identical shoes!

- Now, any of these products aren't relevant to you,

you just let me know, okay?

- None of them are relevant.

- Great, now I saw you click something

that makes me think you want 40,000

live ladybugs. (insects buzzing)

- I just clicked that link 'cause I thought

it was a funny thing on Amazon,

not because I'd ever want to buy them.

- Okay, but you did click it,

so you're kind of interested, right?

Is it the number that's the problem?

'Cause we could do less,

maybe 20,000 live ladybugs? (buzzing)

- For something that's supposed

to know me so well, you do a really shitty job.

- Do you need to refinance your student loans?

(sighs)

I saw you were on Zillow. Do you need a mortgage?

(groans angrily)

I could save you money on the LSAT!

- I don't want to be a lawyer!

- Well, at least let me show you

some baby clothes I know you'll love.

- I don't need 'em.

My girlfriend's not pregnant, so.

- Oh, she didn't tell, oh. Oh.

- Oh fuck.

- Well, how about a shirt you don't have to tuck in?

Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.

Click here to subscribe.

Click here for more fun things,

and send help to keep me from sinking.

Please. Please help.

Please help.