♪ Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting ♪

♪ Those kicks were fast as lightning ♪

♪ In fact, it was a little bit frightening ♪

♪ But they fought with expert timing ♪

-Give me your money. -No.

-What?! -No! (whimpers)

(nerd) Ow! Ah! Stop it!

(nerd whimpers in pain)

(Ryan) Hey, you!

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

God?

-Want to learn how to defend yourself? -Yeah.

Aren't you tired of bullies picking on you all the time?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, then, How To Be Ninja is the DVD for you!

Ow!

This DVD includes your two very own personal trainers.

(in broken English) Hello, everyone. My name is...

Hanate Wakuso Shiseo Tadashite Teriyaki Suzuki Honda Civic.

(in broken English) Hello. My name is Bob.

-And we will be teaching you how to be-- -(both) Ninja!

(makes karate sounds)

The first lesson in being a ninja is to make loud,

unnecessary sounds when you hit things.

Whaaaa!

Hi-kya-kya-yah! (thud)

Waaah!

Hooo!

Haaa!

Hooo! Hooo!

Haaaa!

Yeeaaah!

Hoo!

(groans)

A true ninja can catch things with his chopsticks.

Hey, I got it!

Ow!

Lesson number three: A true ninja knows how to teleport from place to place.

♪ (The Pink Panther plays) ♪

And that's how it's done.

Lesson four: You must be able to transform into anything.

You must be able to be an animal...

(makes monkey noises)

Even imitate a tree.

Maybe even be a fag.

And you must be able to imitate anyone.

W-well. My--my name? My--(deep breath)

My--my name is D-d-d-d-Daxflame.

Lesson number five: You must know how to perform a fatality!

(gong sounds)

♪ (Mortal Kombat plays) ♪

Fatality. (cackles)

If you follow all of these lessons,

it should look a little something like this:

♪ (Mortal Kombat starts up again) ♪

Oh, forget this!

-(gun shot) -Fatality.

Teehee!

♪ (Mortal Kombat) ♪

(groans)

-And we will be teaching you-- -Be careful.

-And we will be teaching you-- -(both crack up)

-And we will be teaching you--

W-Why can't I do this?

-Why can't I do it? -I don't know!

And we will be teaching you--(cracks up)

Lesson number three: Aw, man.

(crash)

Shh!