-Yeah, but we can both have glasses.

-No, it's hard to tell women apart. What's the thing you're

trying to do? - One thing was--and you

ruined this by not wearing your glasses--

I'd try to get, like, a nerd audience.

-Ohhhh.

-Just so I can really capitalise on like the gamers and

the nerds

and like anime and like all those viewers.

-Are you just saying words that you've heard?

Just start listing…

(imitating her) and roleplays! And LARPs…

-LARPers! Oh, I would get a LARPer.

We've gotta try something! We're losing subscribers!

We're nowhere near a million.

Whatever we're doing is not working, Gaby… -But you…

-...and we need to get a new batch of people.

- Okay, but you trying to go for like the nerd core is not going to do it.

- What, do they not know enough about SEGA?

Intro music

-This week, we have a domestic question.

- (Chanting) USA! USA! - Well…

- (Still chanting) Move to the moon! (Both) Move to the moon!

- Oh God it's all so bad.

- It's so bad and I don't know what to do and it's so sad and scary and

why are we making this stupid show when the world is falling apart?

Everything is terrible. - Mhmm.

- Everything is so scary and everybody's dying and… anyway.

(Sighing) Should you admit dirty secrets to your BFF?

- Tavi from Miami sent a question asking if she should tell her BFF

that she hooked up with her… - SEX!

- Yeah, that she had sex with her current… that girl's current boyfriend…

- Okay so let's give that friend a name because you're not explaining it well.

So there's Tavi -Right

-Our protagonist. -Right.

- There's her best friend Mia - Okay

- Uh, Mia has a boyfriend, they've been together for

a long time now. Really happy. His name is Kent.

-Okay… - Before Mia and Kent got together,

Tavi and Kent had SEX! - Okay.

- And now Tavi is wondering if she should tell Mia that her

and Kent did the nasty. - But it was, like, a long time ago.

- We don't know how long! - She said it was a long time ago,

according to the email! - It wasn't cheating.

I don't know why, when they started dating,

she didn't say it. - From the very beginning,

she should have been like… right after they fucked she should

have texted her friend and been like, ‘Yo! I just fucked

Kent! That's crazy!’ - Well maybe Mia didn't even

know who Kent was and Kent was just some guy

she bumped into in a coffee spot and then she's telling M....

she's telling… and then she's telling Tavi

‘Hey, I met this great guy at a coffee shop!’ .

And you know, you don't introduce your friends

right away, so her and Kent are hanging out,

they're getting more serious, Tavi goes out of town

so by the time she comes back,

Mia and Kent have been like in love for like a full month and

now, what, and then she meets Kent at a party and

is like ‘Oh my God I had sex with this guy’ and they

both just lock eyes and think, ‘don't say anything’.

- I don't think I keep secrets from you, but I certainly…

I don't… maybe I'm not telling you all the things.

- What? What are you not telling me?!

- Oh, just... a lot of stuff!

- You have-- uh! That's not okay, you should tell me

everything. - Uhh, do you want to know

a dirty secret? - Yes!

- Ok. Um, I did, uh, go on a date with your cousin.

- What?! - Yeah, yeah. I went on a date with

your cousin Matt. We matched on Tinder, I went on a date

with him. - Why didn't you tell me?

- Cause, uh, I had sex with your cousin.

- That's fine! I wanted you to go on

a date with my cousin!

- Interesting. Okay that was a lie, that was a test.

- What?!

- I didn't go on a date with your cousin. (Laughs)

- Why would you say that you did?

- To, like… as a test to see how mad you'd be.

- I wasn't mad, I just like was excited and I didn't

know why you didn't tell me. - Great! So now in the future,

I know I can tell you things!

- … Did you have sex with my cousin?! Gaby,

what have I always said to you?

- What?

- I'm gonna be more mad about the fact that

you didn't tell me something than whatever the the thing is.

- That's how I feel too! That's-- polyamory!

It's better to say the whole thing than to keep some of it,

and then they find out later and get mad.

- When did you fuck my cousin?

- I have not fucked your cousin.

- I have like a bunch of secrets from… from you.

- Oh yeah? What are they?

- (Coughing) I've a ton of secrets from you!

- Oh yeah? What are-- you can't even get the word out!

- Oh! I have one secret for you!

- What is it. - I'm not sure if this secret

is a lie or not though.

- What do you mean you're not sure this secret is a lie?

- Because the information was given to me by somebody

I don't trust. And so I don't even know

if the information is true or not.

- Is this secret even about you?

- It's about you. - Oooh, what is it?

- I don't know if it's true though! - Someone that we both know

said a secret about me, to you?

- Okay. Do you wanna do this right now?

- What is it? What does it… have to do with.

- So a long time ago, we pitched a show to Paramount.

And Paramount passed.

-Yes!

- My manager at the time said that they passed

because they didn't like you specifically.

- (Laughs)

- That was my only secret I had from you. And now

I… -Really? That's it?

- ...and now I… and now I've told you.

I… it was a lot.

- Yeah! I'm incredibly off-putting. Like, what

about that are you not getting?

- That might not have been the term,

but it's what I assumed it was.

I didn't relay… I didn't…

- That's really been bothering you?

- No! It's not bothering me, but when you…

when I thought, do I have

any secret that I've ever kept from her,

like a thing that I've actively kept from you--

- Right. - That's the only thing I've

ever kept from you! - I don't… right.

I don't mean to downplay this for you, I'm sure…

I'm sure… - I really thought this

was gonna be huge.

Well, what have you been keeping from me?

- Oh, tons of shit. (Laughs)

- Are you serious? - No. No. Not at all.

Cause you'd needle it out of me.

-When did you fuck my cousin?!

-(Laughs)

Closing music

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