>> AT THE MEAT BALL.

>> Stephen: AT THE MEET BALL.

LOOK AT YOU.

THERE YOU ARE IN A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING THERE?

>> I'M WEARING GUCCI.

>> Stephen: GUCCI, VERY NICE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: VERY NICE.

YOU WORE IT WELL.

AND WE MET RIGHT AT THE END, IT WAS LATE.

IT WAS, LIKE, 1:00 IN THE MORNING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WHEN WE LEFT.

>> NO, IT WASN'T.

I DON'T STAY OUT THAT LATE.

>> Stephen: AND WHEN WE MET OUTSIDE, I SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU

TOMORROW NIGHT."

AND YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING LIKE, "COULD WE-- COULD WE DRINK

DURING THE INTERVIEW?" AND I SAID, "SURE, BUT IT HAS TO

BE REAL LIQUOR BASIS DON'T DRINK FAKE LIQUOR."

AND YOU SAID FINE.

AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?"

AND YOU SAID.

>> TEQUILA.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

AND I SAID, "OH, ( BLEEP ).

REALLY?

TEQUILA."

AND MY WIFE SAID-- >> BABY, NO, PLEASE DON'T DRINK

TEQUILA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

>> Stephen: SHE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

>> THAT'S A LOT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF TEQUILA.

THAT'S A LOT OF TEQUILA.

HOLD ON.

I'LL TAKE SOME OF YOURS.

OKAY, READY?

CHEERS.

>> CHEERS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM.

DO YOU WANT MY LIME, TOO?

>> Stephen: SURE.

MMM.

NOW, WHAT TO TALK ABOUT?

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT?

>> THAT WAS GREAT.

>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT?

>> I DID.

IT WAS-- IT WAS PRETTY CRAZY.

>> Stephen: SO FANCY.

IT'S SO FANCY.

>> YEAH.

IT'S SO FANCY.

AND THERE WERE SO MANY FLOWERS.

>> Stephen: EVERYTHING WAS BUILT.

THEY HAD, LIKE, HUGE THINGS BUILT OUT OF ROSES, AND THEY

WERE REAL ROSES.

>> YEAH.

FOR SOME REASON I THOUGHT THIS YEAR THEY WOULDN'T USE THAT MANY

FLOWERS BECAUSE OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW, TECHNOLOGY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: OH, BECAUSE THEY'RE ANTITHETICAL TO

MECHANICAL THINGS OR TECHNOLOGICAL THINGS.

>> THEY COULD HAVE, INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY USING ALL THE FLOWERS,

THEY COULD HAVE DONE, LIKE, FAKE FLOWER S.

>> Stephen: TECHNOLOGICAL FLOWERS, MADE OUT OF COMPUTER

CHIPS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD PLAN IT NEXT YEAR.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> YOU SHOULD E-MAIL ANNA WINED TOUR ABOUT THAT.

>> Stephen: I E-MAIL HER ALL THE TIME ABOUT MY FASHION ALL

THE TIME.

>> I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

>> Stephen: THE NEW MOVIE IS CALLED "A BIGGER SPLASH."

AND AS WE LEARNED EARLIER ON IN TONIGHT'S SHOW, IT'S A GRIPPING,

EROTIC DRAMA.

>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: AND IT'S GOT AN INCREDIBLE CAST.

THE PEOPLE IN IT-- HERE WE GO.

HERE'S YOU RIGHT HERE.

RALPH FIENNES.

TILDA SWINTON.

AND WHO IS THIS?

>> MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS.

>> Stephen: IS HE AS HANDSOME AS HE LOOKS IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: VERY SEXY.

( SNORTS ) ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) OH, GOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, NO-- YEAH, OKAY.

>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, ALL RIGHT.

>> OH, GOD.

CHEERS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BY THE WAY, WHAT

TIME DID YOU GO TO BED LAST NIGHT?

( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU BEEN TO BED YET?

BECAUSE I WENT TO BED AT 3:30 LAST NIGHT.

>> DID YOU REALLY?

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

>> NO, I WAS FULLY IN BED BEFORE THAT.

>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE AFTERPARTIES?

>> I DID, BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY, AND I GUESS EVERYONE WAS HUNGRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT AT THE MET, AND I WENT TO PEE--

>> Stephen: THE HUMMING BIRDS FLY RIGHT INTO YOUR MOUTH.

YOU WENT TO PEE?

>> I WENT TO PEE, AND I CAME BACK AND MY LAMBCHOP WAS GONE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE OPENING OF A VERY

QUESTIONABLE COUNTRY MUSIC SONG.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS WHAT THE NIGHT WAS LIKE

FOR ME.

I WENT SPOT MEN'S ROOM, AND IT WAS FULL OF MEN IN THE MEN'S

ROOM, AND THERE WAS A WOMAN IN THERE SMOKING IN A BALLGOWN.

SHE SAID, "HELLO, MR. COLBERT.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I SMOKE IN HERE."

I SAID I'M IN THE GREAT GATS BY RIGHT NOW OR SOMETHING.

>> IT'S HEAVEN.

>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT HEAVEN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NEXT TO A WOMAN HOLDING

SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, BURKE.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT.

ALL OF THIS IS GOING TO BE CUT OUT.

CBS WILL NOT LET ANY OF THIS ON TV.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU SHOT THIS-- YOU SHOT THIS-- TEQUILA IS

KICKING IN AT THIS POINT.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOT THIS MOVIE ON AN ISLAND

IN ITALY CALLED PENTELARAIA.

>> THAT SOUNDED LIKE A DISEASE.

>> Stephen: I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE PENTELARAIA.

>> PANTS.

>> Stephen: A DISEASE OF THE PANTS.

YOU HAVE A DISEASE OF THE PANTS.

LET'S GET THOSE OFF BEFORE IT SPREADS TO YOUR SHIRT.

>> HEY-OH!

>> Stephen: WAS IT FUN?

YOU GET-- LOOK, YOU'RE WITH-- HOLD ON.

YOU'RE WITH ALL THE SEXY PEOPLE HERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE ON THIS ISLAND.

WAS IT FUN TO BE ON AN ISLAND?

WAS IT AT ALL LIKE BEING ON VACATION?

DID YOU GET TO ENJOY IT?

>> IT WAS ENJOYABLE.

IT WAS HOT.

IT WAS-- THERE WAS-- WE WERE ON AN ISLAND.

THERE WAS, YOU KNOW, WATER SURROUNDING IT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE REALLY HIDING A SECRET

RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO.

>> Stephen: "IT WAS FINE.

IT WAS SOMEPLACE ON THE PLANET.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS."

IS IT IN ITALY.

>> IT'S ON THE COAST OF ITALY.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND THE ISLAND WAS MOSTLY MADE UP OF VOLCANIC ROCK.

IT'S NOT SOFT AND COZY.

IT'S SOMEWHERE -- >> DID THEY MAKE YOU SLEEP ON

THE ROCK?

WHY DOES THE ROCK HAVE TO BE SOFT AND COZY?

>> THERE ARE NO BEACHES.

SO IF YOU YOU WANT TO GO INTO THE BEACHES YOU HAVE TO WEAR

WATER SHOES AND CHIME DOWN INTO THE WATER BUT THE WATER IS FULL

OF JELLYFISH.

FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.

>> Stephen: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PRISON.

>> YEAH.

( LAUGHTER ) NO, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE

BEAUTIFUL.

AND THEN ONCE YOU GET USED TO TYOU JUST KIND OF SWIM AWAY FROM

THEM.

>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT THAT FAST, THE JELLYFISH.

>> MMM?

NO, THEY CAN GET-- THEY CAN GET YOU.

>> Stephen: THEY CAN GET YOU, BUT BY ACCIDENT.

THEY CAN'T CHASE YOU.

IF YOU CAN'T OUTSWIM A JELLYFISH YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE

SWIMMING.

>> PROBABLY NOT.

>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU ABOUT TILDA SWINTON?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: SHE SPOOKS ME A LITTLE BIT?

>> DOES SHE.

>> Stephen: SHE'S SUCH A TALENTED ACTRESS BUT SHE'S A

LITTLE SPOOKY.

>> YOU MEET HER AND THINK SHE MIGHT SPEAK SOME SORT OF ALIEN

JARGON, RIGHT.

>> Stephen: SHE SEEMS OTHER WORLDLY.

>> SHE'S NOT LIKE THAT.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS SHE LIKE?

>> SHE'S FULL OF LOVE AND INFORMATION.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU RIGHT NOW YOU

SOUND LIKE AN ALIEN.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, MOTHERS.

SHE IS MATERNAL.

FULL OF INFORMATION.

AND THE MILK-BEARING TEET.

>> NOW I'M CRYING, LOOK.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE CRYING.

WOULD YOU LIKE-- HERE, HAVE THAT.

>> A SNOT RAG.

>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT SOME MORE TEQUILA.

>> SURE.

>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT SOME?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS-- I AM HERE TO SAY-- AND

I CAN SAY THIS WITH CONFIDENCE-- THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

>> THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL.

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE-.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD LORD.

GOOD LORD.

HUH.

>> I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE A WIMP, BUT I ALSO HAVE A

5:30 A.M. PICKUP TOMORROW IN CANADA.

>> Stephen: SOMEONE IS PICKING YOU UP AT 5:30 IN CANADA

TOMORROW?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW, RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT NOCANADA.

YOU'RE NOT IN CANADA.

SOMEONE TOLD YOU THAT.

THIS IS NOT THE C.B.C.

>> WAIT A MINUTE!

I'M IN NEW YORK.

>> Stephen: HOLD ON!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN TORONTO.

>> I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN VANCOUVER.

IT'S FARTHER THAN TORONTO.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN VANCOUVER AT 5:30

TOMORROW?

YOU NEED TO GO.

YOU LEAVE HERE AND GET ON A PLANE AND GO.

>> YEAH.

SEE YA!

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN VANCOUVER?

>> I'M FILMING A MOVIE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOVIE, DARLING?

>> I'M FILMING TWO MOVIE S.

>> Stephen: OKAY, WHAT IS IT.

>> "50 SHADES DAERK" AND "50 SHADES FREED."

>> Stephen: SURE SHOOTING BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU UNWIND AFTER A DAY OF 12 HOURS OF

SADOMASOCHISM.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO SHAKE IT OFF AT THE END OF THE DAY?

>> I FLY TO NEW YORK CITY AND DO SHOTS OF TEQUILA WITH YOU.

>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME BACK ANY TIME.

>> THANKS.

>> Stephen: THE SAFE WORD IS "PUMPKIN PATCH."