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Make me proud.
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Hey Alan!
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Rose? Oh for god's sake...
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Did Charlie put you up to this?
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What are you talking about? Charlie didn't put me up to anything.
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Right, so it's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute
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and all of a sudden you show up at the front door.
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You're waiting for a prostitute?
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No.
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Oh, Alan. That's not like you.
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Yeah, well...
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When you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection
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with another human being, what else is there to do?
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A lot of people masturbate, I hear.
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Really, I've heard them.
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Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
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Have you tried switching hands?
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It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
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Hi!
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Hi! You must be Alan's prostitute.
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I'm Rose.
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Hi Rose. Will you be joining us tonight?
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No. You'll just be doing Alan this evening.
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Goodnight Rose. - Goodnight.
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So, come on in!
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Sorry I'm a little late. - Oh, that's okay.
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As long as it doesn't come out of my... you know... winky-dink time.
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Shall we take care of business before we get started?
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Oh, absolutely! No money, no honey!
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No looty, no booty!
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No cash in advance, I'm not in your pants!
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That was four hundred, right? - Five.
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Oh, of course!
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Why would I think it was four...
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Thanks.
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So, Alan...
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What do you like?
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Oh, just about anything. I'm not finnicky.
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Ooh, no limits huh?
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Well you know, I'm not into animals or...
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anything near my keister.
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Okay.
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Come here.
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Let's get comfy. - Alrighty.
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Oh, baby. You really turn me on.
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Uh, uh, hang on a second. - What?
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I'm a little bumped by that 'turn me on' part.
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I mean, I want to believe you but I've been with enough women to know it doesn't happen that fast.
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Sometimes it doesn't happen at all.
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Honey, I would not lie to you.
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No, no, of course not. Why would you lie to me? But...
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I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level.
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Alright.
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Mmm... oh, you are the best kisser.
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Okay, again...
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I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.
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Okay, I'm a little confused here.
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I'm just not buying it.
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And since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it.
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All you have to do is tell the truth. There's no need for hyperbole.
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Alright. - Okay.
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Oh, Alan...
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Your lips are so thin and dry...
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Okay, now we're cookin'.
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Oh, come on. I just said I can't believe I'm the biggest you've ever seen.
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I mean, I'm not even the biggest I've ever seen.
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And I haven't seen that many.
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I'm sorry, I have to go. - Why?
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I have a headache.
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I can work with that. I was married for twelve years.
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Here's your money. Don't ever call me again.
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Okay, second base for free!