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  • I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER WATCH THE NEWS.

  • YOU GUYS EVER WATCH, IT?

  • THEY'VE GOT SOME GOOD STUFF ON THERE.

  • DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH OF IT.

  • AND THERE'S A BIG STORY THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • IT'S.

  • A GROUP OF HEAVILY ARMED PROTESTERS WHO HAVE OCCUPIED

  • SOMETHING CALLED THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE IN A

  • REMOTE AREA OF SOUTHEAST OREGON.

  • I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY ANGRY BEARDED MEN IN OREGON SINCE I

  • REFERRED TO BLUE MOON AS "A CRAFT BEER."

  • MAX, IT'S A GOOD BEER, MAX.

  • DON'T GET ANGRY.

  • I LIKE THE ORANGE.

  • IT'S FUN.

  • THESE GUYS WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER THE THING CALL THEMSELVES A

  • MILITIA, AND THEY'RE LED BY A FELLER NAMED AMMON BUNDY, AND IF

  • THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE SON OF THE

  • LEGENDARY CLIVEN BUNDY.

  • NOW, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT NAME FROM BACK IN 2014, WHEN...

  • CLIVEN FOUGHT THE GOVERNMENT OVER GRAZING FEES ON FEDERAL

  • LANDS.

  • AND LOST ALL SYMPATHY WHEN HE STARTED SAYING STUFF LIKE THIS.

  • >> I WANT TO TELL YOU ONE MORE THING I KNOW ABOUT THE NEGRO.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, UM, DON'T NEED-- DON'T NEED TO SING ANY

  • MORE OF THAT SONG.

  • OKAY.

  • HAVE THAT FUMIGATED.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • AND NOW HIS SON IS CONTINUING THAT ANTI-GOVERNMENT TRADITION.

  • AND IF THAT'S WHAT CLIVEN'S SON AMMON IS UP TO, I SHUDDER TO

  • THINK WHAT'S IN STORE FROM THE CLIVEN GRANDCHILDREN.

  • I'M GONNA GUESS RANDO, PERVIN, AND KRAMPUS?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GOOD-LOOKING KIDS.

  • NOW, AMMON AND HIS GROUP SAY THEY BEGAN THIS PROTEST TO SPEAK

  • UP FOR RANCHERS DWIGHT AND STEVEN HAMMOND, WHO WENT TO JAIL

  • FOR BURNING 139 ACRES OF FEDERAL LAND.

  • AND AAMON'S PROTEST ON BEHALF OF THESE GUYS UPSET SOME PEOPLE--

  • SPECIFICALLY THESE GUYS.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THE HAMMONDS WANT TO BE CLEAR: THEY'RE NOT

  • ANTI-GOVERNMENT MILITIAMEN.

  • THEY'RE SIMPLY ANTIGOVERNMENT ARSONISTS.

  • PLEASE.

  • NOW, THE MILITIAMEN SAY THEY'RE READY FOR THE GOVERNMENT'S

  • RESPONSE AND ARE WILLING TO DIE FOR THEIR CAUSE, OR FROM BOREDOM

  • BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT RESPONDING.

  • AS ONE RETIRED U.S. MARSHALL SAID:

  • >> THE BEST APPROACH NOW IS TO WAIT THE GROUP OUT.

  • >> Stephen: PROBABLY NOT WHAT THE PROTESTORS HAD IN MIND.

  • THAT'S LIKE TAKING OVER THE ALAMO AND THEN NOT BEING

  • SURROUNDED BY MEXICANS.

  • DAVY CROCKETT WOULD LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE DOOFUS.

  • AND I GOTTA SAY, THE COONSKIN CAP DOES NOT HELP.

  • BUT MAYBE THIS IS A WIN-WIN.

  • IS IT THESE GUYS DOWN HERE ARE DETERMINED TO STAY PUT

  • INDEFINITELY AT THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE

  • REFUGE, WHY NOT JUST LET THEM AND RENAME IT THE "THE AMMON

  • BUNDY PRESERVE FOR THE ARMED AND CRANKY?"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • AFTER ALL-- ( APPLAUSE )

  • THESE CONFUSED, FRAGILE, HEAVILY ARMED CREATURES NEED SOMEPLACE

  • TO LIVE WHERE CIVILIZATION WON'T UPSET THEM.

  • THEY ARE CLEARLY ENDANGERED.

  • ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW MANY THERE ARE

  • BECAUSE THEIR CAMO IS SO GOOD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ONE STANDING BETWEEN TWO

  • BUSHES, I BELIEVE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND, SADLY, THERE'S NO HOPE OF

  • ESTABLISHING A BREEDING PROGRAM BECAUSE, FRANKLY, IT'S A BIT OF

  • A SAUSAGE-FEST.

  • AND WHILE THESE MEN MIGHT BE GREAT PATRIOTS, THEY'RE NOT

  • GREAT PLANNERS.

  • BECAUSE EVIDENTLY, THEY DIDN'T PACK A LOT OF FOOD, SO THEY

  • TURNED TO FACEBOOK YESTERDAY AND ASKED PEOPLE TO SEND, "SUPPLIES,

  • OR SNACKS, OR ANYTHING."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) YES.

  • SNACKS.

  • WHAT HEROIC, LONE WOLF, GO-IT-ALONE, MOUNTAIN MEN HAVE

  • ALWAYS NEEDED: GOGURT, STRING CHEESE, AND LUNCHABLES.

  • I WANT YOU TO HANG IN THERE, FELLAS

  • BECAUSE HELP IS ON THE WAY.

  • YOU MAY REMEMBER VIEWERS AT HOME, WEEKS AGO I MENTIONED OROS

  • ON THE SHOW, SO OROZE SENT ME A TRUCKLOAD OF OREOS AND AN ACTUAL

  • OREO HOTLINE I COULD USE TO REACH NABISCO DIRECTLY ANY TIME

  • OF THE DAY OR NIGHT TO REQUEST MORE OREOS.

  • AND IF EVER THERE WAS A SNACK-MERGENCY, IT IS NOW.

  • SO I'M DEPLOYING THE OREO PHONE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, OREOS?

  • THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT AND-- WHAT?

  • YES, I REALIZE I AM HOLDING THIS UP TO MY DEAF EAR.

  • I SAID, I AM AWARE OF THAT!

  • I NEED MORE OREOS, STAT!

  • ONLY DON'T SEND THEM TO MY OFFICE.

  • THIS WEEK, I'LL BE BROADCASTING FROM 36391 SODHOUSE LANE,

  • PRINCETON, OREGON.

  • JUST LEAVE THE COOKIES AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY AND THEN

  • BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER WATCH THE NEWS.

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オレゴンフェイル (The Oregon Fail)

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    VoiceTube に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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