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  • BUT BEFORE WE DO TONIGHT'S AGAIN, GREAT SHOW, I REALLY NEED

  • TO CLEAR THE AIR HERE.

  • I'M SURE YOU CAN FEEL THAT I'M UPSET.

  • AND HERE'S WHY: I BELIEVE, THAT IF THERE IS ONE UNIVERSAL TRUTH

  • IN OUR CHAOTIC, RANDOM UNIVERSE, IT IS THIS: BREAKFAST IS THE

  • MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IF WE DON'T KNOW THAT, WHAT DO

  • WE KNOW?

  • SO I TAKE MINE VERY SERIOUSLY.

  • I FREQUENTLY START MY MORNING WITH THE AMERICAN CLASSIC KNOWN

  • AS THE B.L.T. -- B-BACON, L-LETTUCE, T-TOMATO.

  • LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- I ORDERED A

  • B.L.T. FOR BREAKFAST FROM A LOCAL DELI, AND I ASKED FOR IT

  • THE SAME WAY I ALWAYS DO, WITH EXTRA TOMATO.

  • I FIND TOMATO REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE TASTE OF THE BACON AND THE

  • NON-TASTE OF THE LETTUCE.

  • PLUS, TOMATO IS LOADED WITH POTASSIUM, WHICH IS ESSENTIAL

  • FOR... MY POTASSIUM STUFF.

  • BUT THIS MORNING'S B.L.T. SHOOK ME TO MY CORE, OR WHAT WOULD BE

  • MY CORE IF I DID NOT HAVE B.L.T.S FOR BREAKFAST.

  • I PROMISE YOU, THIS IS TRUE.

  • JIMMY, CAN WE PUT UP A PICTURE OF THE ME WITH THE ACTUAL B.L.T.

  • IN QUESTION?

  • ALL RIGHT, JIMMY, ENHANCE!

  • THERE IT IS!

  • I SEE THE B.

  • I SEE THE L.

  • BUT WHERE THE HELL IS THE "T?" WHERE IS MY TOMATO?!

  • THERE ISN'T ANY!

  • AND A B.L.T. WITHOUT THE "T" IS JUST B.L., IT'S "BLEH!"

  • (LAUGHTER) AND IF THIS ABOMINATION MEETS

  • THE STANDARD FOR A B.L.T., THEN WHAT DID WE FIGHT AT LEXINGTON

  • AND CONCORD FOR?

  • JUST RIP THE CONSTITUTION OFF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND ERASE

  • THE MAP ON THE BACK, BECAUSE THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT HAS FAILED!

  • NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS OVERREACTING!

  • (LAUGHTER) I JUST WANT TOMATO ON MY

  • SANDWICH.

  • OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

  • I SHOULD BE THE BIGGER MAN HERE.

  • DESPITE THE TRAUMA I HAVE EXPERIENCED WITH MY SANDWICH,

  • I'M GOING TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

  • BUT TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ACCUSING CRUZ OF BLEEDING RED,

  • WHITE, AND MAPLE SYRUP.

  • TODAY, JOHN MCCAIN -- OKAY, I WAS WRONG.

  • I'M NOT OVER THIS SANDWICH.

  • (LAUGHTER) JUST BEAR WITH ME.

  • HOW HARD IS IT?

  • BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO.

  • THE RECIPE IS RIGHT IN THE NAME.

  • AND YET, LET ME REMIND YOU WHAT MY SANDWICH LOOKED LIKE?

  • (LAUGHTER) I WAS SO MAD, I HAD IT BLOWN

  • UP -- YOU KNOW, IN CASE I NEEDED IT FOR THE TRIAL AT THE HAGUE.

  • (LAUGHTER) HERE'S WHY I CAN'T LET THIS

  • GO -- THE LACK OF TOMATO ISN'T JUST AN INSULT TO CENTURIES OF

  • B.L.T. CRAFTSMEN WHO DIED TOASTING BREAD AT GETTYSBURG,

  • IT'S AN INSULT TO ME PERSONALLY.

  • WELL, ARE WE GOING TO TAKE THIS?

  • >> AUDIENCE: NO!

  • >> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO!

  • WELL, THIS ENDS NOW!

  • SOMEONE HAS TO STANDUP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.

  • LET'S DO THIS!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET'S GO.

  • COME ON!

  • LET'S GO.

  • COME ON.

  • LET'S DO IT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> Stephen: GOOD.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • (RINGING) I'M SORRY.

  • I WASN'T HONEST.

  • I'M ANGRY.

  • HOLD ON A SECOND.

  • >> HELLO?

  • I'M DOING FINE.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH WOULD YOU LIKE?

  • HOPE YOU DON'T WANT A B.L.T., WE'RE IN A BIT OF A CRISIS NOW.

  • THANK YOU.

  • SORRY.

  • >> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

  • I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

  • IS THIS YOUR HANDWRITING?

  • >> YES, THAT IS.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

  • >> B.L.T., LITTLE MAYO.

  • >> Stephen: MM-HMM, B., L. -- WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?

  • >> T.

  • >> Stephen: T.

  • I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTOGRAPH.

  • CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE INITIALS ASSOCIATED WITH THE INGREDIENTS

  • IN THE STAND WITCH.

  • >> THAT'S THE BACON.

  • >> Stephen: UH-HUH.

  • THAT'S THE LETTUCE.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH WHERE'S THE TOMATO?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: I PAID EQUAL AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR THE

  • INGREDIENTS.

  • YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M ANGRY.

  • >> WELL, STEPHEN, I'M SORRY.

  • >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, NO TOMATO ON THE SANDWICH.

  • LET'S GOAT ONE OTHER THING WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

  • IT SAYS LITTLE MAYO RIGHT HERE.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT DOWN?

  • >> BECAUSE I WAS INSTRUCTED TO.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • WOULD YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?

  • THIS IS MY ASSISTANCE JESSICA.

  • RUPERT, THIS IS JESSICA.

  • IT'S OKAY.

  • WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.

  • JESSICA, DID YOU TELL HIM LITTLE MAYO?

  • >> I DID.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU CAN GO.

  • WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

  • ALL RIGHT, I'LL DEAL WITH HER.

  • BUT LEGALLY, I CAN'T DOCK YOUR PAY BECAUSE I THINK YOU WORK FOR

  • THE CITY, RIGHT?

  • THIS IS THE STREETS AND SANITATION.

  • OKAY?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE WHILE I'VE

  • GOT YOU SNEENCHTS YES.

  • >> Stephen: THE COLBERT SANDWICH, CHICKEN CUTLET,

  • CHEESE, L.T., WHAT IS L.T.?

  • >> LETTUCE TOMATO.

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS MEANINGLESS AS WE KNOW AT THIS

  • POINT.

  • THREE PEPPERS, MAYO ON A HERE O.

  • WHAT ABOUT THOSE INGREDIENTS REMINDED YOU OF ME?

  • >> WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE FORMER PAUL SHAFFER.

  • I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT REMINDS YOU OF PAUL

  • SHAFFER?

  • >> NOTHING.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S RANDOM, ANY THREE INGREDIENTS AND THROW IT

  • ON A BUN.

  • CHICKEN CUTLET, HALF A TRUCK TIRE AND GRAVEL.

  • >> WELL -- >> Stephen: IT MEANS NOTHING

  • ANYMORE.

  • JUST TEAR IT UP AND LIVE IN A CAVE.

  • I REALIZE I'M NOT DAVE, BUT I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.

  • AIM HUMAN BEING.

  • >> DID I MAKE YOU MAD?

  • I FEEL BAD.

  • >> Stephen: THIS IS MY SANDWICH, HOW DO YOU THINK I

  • FEEL?

  • I HAVE TO DO A SHOW RIGHT NOW AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY

  • ANYMORE.

  • I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE ME FORGIVE

  • YOU AT THIS POINT.

  • >> FREE CHIPS?

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, I FORGIVE YOU.

  • LET'S GO.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪

BUT BEFORE WE DO TONIGHT'S AGAIN, GREAT SHOW, I REALLY NEED

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スティーブンの闇夜のサンドウィッチ (Stephen's Dark Night of the Sandwich)

  • 18 4
    VoiceTube に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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