WEEKEND?

I LOVE IT.

IT'S LIKE THE GRAMMYS, BUT WITH DOGS, AND LESS PUBLIC URINATION.

AND YESTERDAY, THEY ANNOUNCED THE BEST-IN-SHOW WINNER, A

GERMAN SHORT-HAIRED POINTER NAMED C.J.

LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL DOG!

( APPLAUSE ) FINALLY ANSWERING THE AGE-OLD

QUESTION, "WHO'S A GOOD BOY?" ( LAUGHTER )

C.J. IS.

SORRY, ALL OTHER DOGS.

IT'S C.J. RIGHT NOW.

NOW, WE WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE HAD C.J. ON THE SHOW TONIGHT,

BUT HE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

HE WAS OUT ALL NIGHT SNIFFING BUTT.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A TOUGH HANGOVER.

BUT WE DO HAVE SOME SPECIAL GUESTS TONIGHT.

SEE, WE ARE AN OFFICE THAT ALOWLZ DOGS, WHICH IS KIND OF

RARE IN NEW YORK CITY.

AND WE HAVE SOME CHAMPIONS OF OUR OWN THAT WE'RE VERY PROUD

OF.

FIRST UP, MY PRODUCER PAUL AND HIS DOG RILEY.

COME ON OUT HERE!

( APPLAUSE ) HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, HEY!

YEAH.

OKAY.

RILEY'S LOOKING LOVELY.

RILEY'S LOOKING LOVELY AS EVER, PAUL.

SO DID YOU GUYS PARTICIPATE IN THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW?

>> WELL, "PARTICIPATE" IS A STRONG WORD.

WE WERE THERE.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS RILEY'S BREED CLASS?

>> THAT WOULD BE "NONE OF THE ABOVE."

>> Stephen: OKAY, JUST BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH, REALLY

BEAUTIFUL DOG.

I LOVE RILEY.

AS A CHAMPION, WHAT ARE RILEY'S GREATEST STRENGTHS?

>> SHE WILL PUT ANYTHING IN HER MOUTH.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

ANY WEAKNESSES?

>> WELL, SHE HAS MATTED HAIR.

OFTEN GASSY.

BUT THE JUDGES DID GIVE HER HIGH MARKS FOR HER PRONOUNCED FATTY

TUMORS.

>> Stephen: AND HOW DID SHE DO?

HOW DID SHE SCORE?

>> SHE DID NOT COME IN LAST.

>> Stephen: SHE DID NOT COME IN LAST?

>> SHE DID NOT COME IN LAST.

>> Stephen: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS,

CONGRATULATIONS.

WE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE DOG WHO DID COME IN LAST.

PLEASE WELCOME THIS YEAR'S WORST IN SHOW, DEXTER, WITH HIS OWNER,

MY PRODUCER BARRY, EVERYBODY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HI, BARRY.

>> HI.

>> Stephen: HI.

WELL, DEXTER IS A REALLY FINE SPECIMEN.

( LAUGHTER ) AND VERY HAPPY TO SEE US.

I CAN TELL.

WHAT KIND OF BREED IS DEXTER?

>> DEXTER IS A LONG-TONGUED MOSTLY PUG.

OKAY.

>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL BREED, BEAUTIFUL BREED.

SO, BARRY, BY COMING IN DEAD LAST, DO YOU FEEL YOU GUYS WERE

ROBBED?

>> NO, THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.

>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS DEXTER?

>> HE'LL BE 15 IN APRIL.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHICH, AGAIN, IS

HOW OLD IN HUMAN YEARS?

>> 105.

>> Stephen: WELL, YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IT.

NOW, DOES DEXTER'S TONGUE EVER GO BACK IN?

>> IT DOES GO IN.

IT JUST DOESN'T STAY THERE PAUSE HE HAS NO TEETH.

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY, BARRY, THANK

YOU SO MUCH.

PAUL, LET'S GO BACK OVER TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

WHY DO YOU THINK RILEY OUTPERFORMED DEXTER LAST NIGHT?

>> I THINK IT'S THE ABILITY TO STAND UNDER HER OWN POWER.

( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGES REALLY LOOK FOR THAT.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, GENTLEMEN.

ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO GO BACK NEXT YEAR?

>> OH, YEAH, WE'LL GO BACK.

WE'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

>> Stephen: BARRY, NEXT YEAR?

>> WE'RE TAKING IT DAY BY DAY.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON TOP PRIZE AT WESTMINSTER, BUT I HAVE

SOME AWARDS FOR YOU.

DEXTER, YOU WIN "BEST IN TONGUE."

AND, RILEY, WE HAVE THE AWARD "MOST IN MY OFFICE AFTER PAUL

HAS LEFT, EVIDENTLY FORGETTING HE HAS A DOG."

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OUR WINNERS.

DEXTER, RILEY, EXCELLENT!