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  • >> Dave: NOW HERE IS AN

  • ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I HEARD, AND I

  • JUST HEARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,

  • REMEMBER STAR TREK, THE SHOW

  • STAR TREK, THE GUY WHO PLAYED

  • SULU ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY,

  • DID YOU REALIZE THAT, HE

  • ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY.

  • SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WHAT?

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • I GOT A -- I WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.

  • SET YOUR FASERS ON FABULOUS.

  • >> Paul: AH!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: EITHER WAY.

  • SHORE.

  • THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SO I SAY SET YOUR

  • TASERS THAT --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: AND IF YOU ARE GAY,

  • THEN SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

  • UNLIKELY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: BUT WE STARTED OUT THE

  • WEEK WITH AN OLD FRIEND, AND I

  • SAID BY GOD IF HE IS STILL IN

  • TOWN, AND I THINK HE IS IN TOWN

  • ON BUSINESS.

  • I SAID GET AHOLD OF HIM AND SEE

  • IF WE CAN'T FINISH THE WEEK THE

  • SAME WAY, AN OLD FRIEND OF US

  • HERE AT THE LATE SHOW, DO ME A

  • FAVOR, MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IT

  • IS THE GUY ON FIRE.

  • COME ON OUT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HE'S IN TOWN ON

  • BUSINESS.

  • >> YOU KNOW, THE REAL PROBLEM

  • WITH THAT IS THE SECONDHAND

  • SMOKE.

  • >> I WAS GOING TO SAY.

  • >> THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL YOU.

  • >> JUST AS DANGEROUS.

  • >> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

  • ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, HOW

  • ABOUT THIS, TED KOPPEL IS

  • JOINING US.

  • >> Paul: OH, REALLY?

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: TED, OF COURSE, WAS THE

  • FOUNDING FATHER AND HOST OF

  • NIGHT LINE FOR 25 YEARS, 25

  • YEARS, THAT'S REMARKABLE.

  • ABSOLUTELY.

  • AND HE'S DOING HIS FINAL NIGHT

  • LINE SHOW

  • >> Paul: HE IS A GOOD PLAYER.

  • >> AND THERE IS A -- WE'VE BEEN

  • HERE IN THE THEATRE, HOW LONG,

  • 12 YEARS.

  • AND CBS HAS A GROUP OF PAGES.

  • AND IT'S KIDS RIGHT OUT OF

  • COLLEGE AND THEY COME HERE AND

  • WORK FOR A COUPLE YEARS AND WORK

  • THEIR WAY UP THROUGH THE

  • BROADCAST BUSINESS.

  • AND WE FOUND OUT A MONTH OR TWO

  • AGO THAT THERE IS A GUY HERE WHO

  • HAS BEEN A PAGE NOT FOR TWO

  • YEARS, YOU KNOW HOW LONG?

  • 38 YEARS.

  • 38 YEARS.

  • THAT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS

  • WRONG.

  • I THINK THAT HE IS LOST IN THE

  • SYSTEM.

  • >> I SEE.

  • >> Dave: HE HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.

  • NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND HAS TURNED

  • ITS BACK.

  • SO WE BRING HIM OUT HERE EVERY

  • NOW AND THEN TO SEE HOW HE IS

  • DOING.

  • 9 OLDEST PAGE AT CBS, SAY HELLO

  • TO JOHNNY DARK.

  • JOHNNY, COME ON OUT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: JOHNNY DARK, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • JOHNNY DARK.

  • JOHNNY IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE --

  • >> HANG ON, THE SHOW IS ALMOST

  • OVER.

  • >> OH, I SEE, YOU BOUGHT ONE OF

  • THOSE NEW VIDEO -- VIDEO iPODS,

  • MAN?

  • >> OH, MAN, I WOULD NAIL EVERY

  • ONE OF THOSE DESPERATE

  • HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Dave: SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF

  • AN iPOD, IS THAT THE DEAL?

  • >> YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I

  • COULD AFFORD A VIDEO iPOD ON THE

  • SALARY I MAKE IN THIS DUMP YOU

  • -- NO, I FOUND IT IN THE

  • AUDIENCE.

  • AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SO I -- I ASSUME YOU

  • ARE PLANNING ON RETURNING IT,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> WELL, IF I RETURN IT, YOU

  • MEAN PAWN IT AND GET A WHORE?

  • >> Dave: WELL, THAT'S JUST --

  • THAT'S AWFUL.

  • THAT'S JUST AWFUL.

  • >> WELL THEN, SURE.

  • >> Dave: I'M SORRY, JOHNNY, ARE

  • YOU NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN THE

  • THEATRE.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • >> WELL, REMIND ME TO BRING THAT

  • UP NEXT TIME YOU BLOW SMOKE UP A

  • CELEBRITY'S ASS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> OH WHAT DID HE SAY?

  • >> Dave: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT

  • SOMETHING ELSE, JOHNNY.

  • WE HAD THE BIG MAYORRAL ELECTION

  • THIS WEEK, DID YOU VOTE?

  • >> VOTE!

  • DID YOU GET A BROW LIFT.

  • >> Dave: NO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

  • WHAT THAT MEANS.

  • >> I AIN'T BEEN IN A VOTING

  • BOOTH SINCE '86.

  • LONG STORY SHORT, MY PANTS GOT

  • CAUGHT IN THE LEVER.

  • >> Dave: OH, NO.

  • >> NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS

  • ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.

  • >> Dave: I WILL BE DARN, THAT'S

  • TOO BAD.

  • NOW BEFORE YOU GO, DO YOU HAVE

  • ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE

  • WEEKEND?

  • >> PLANNED?

  • YEAH, I'VE GOT PLANS.

  • IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN

  • BUSINESS, I PLAN TO KICK YOUR

  • ASS.

  • >> Dave: WELL, NOW THAT'S --

  • >> HEY, SHAFFER.

  • LET'S TWIST AGAIN.

  • [♪♪♪]

  • >> GOOD NIGHT.

  • >> Dave: MAN, HOW ABOUT THATING

  • AS THE BATTLE SHAPES UP OVER

  • PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST SUPREME

  • COURT NOMINEE THE WHITE HOUSE

  • CONFESSES -- CONTINUES TO

  • CONFESS -- TO SET THEIR TA SESS,

  • TAS, ERS ON STUN, THE WHITE

  • HOUSE CONTINUES TO MAKE MISSTEPS

  • THIS ANNOUNCEMENT DREW CRITICISM

  • ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST

  • SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, WATCH?

  • >> PRESIDENT BUSH IS CONFIDENT

  • THAT SAMUEL ALITO EXPENSE --

  • EXTENSIVE JUDEICIAN EXPERIENCE

  • WILL MAKE HIM A MORE VIABLE

  • NOMINEE THAN HARRIET MIERS

  • HOWEVER AS THE CONTINUING

  • SUPPORT HARRIET MIERS -- MAYORS

  • CONTINUES TO GET FROM THE

  • PRESIDENT, HE IS ASKING JUDGE

  • ALITO TO DRESS AS MS. MIERS.

  • GEORGE W. BUSH NOT TODAY.

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • VERY EXCITING TO LEARN THAT

  • OPRAH WINFREY'S BROADWAY MUSICAL

  • "THE COLOR PURPLE" RIGHT ACROSS

  • THE STREET, RIGHT ACROSS THE

  • STREET FROM US AT 53rd AND

  • BROADWAY, AND I WENT OVER THERE

  • THIS MORNING AND I THOUGHT WELL,

  • THIS WILL BE EXCITING.

  • BECAUSE OPRAH IS PRODUCING IT.

  • AND LIKELY SHE HAD BE THERE,

  • PERHAPS EVEN IN THE BOX OFFICE

  • SELLING TICKETS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: YEAH.

  • >> Dave: SO I GET MY HOPES, I'M

  • ALL EXCITED.

  • I GO OVER THERE THIS MORNING AND

  • ONCE AGAIN, I WAS DASHED.

  • >> Paul: AH.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, WATCH.

  • ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

  • I CAN'T EVEN -- THEY DON'T WANT

  • ME --

  • >> CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SHOW.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: AH.

  • >> Dave: MAYBE I WILL JUST PAWN

  • IT AND GET A WHORE.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE THINK

  • IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

  • TO LEARN ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS.

  • WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY, DON'T WE.

  • >> I FEEL THAT WAY.

  • >> Dave: EVEN THE HORN SECTION

  • FEELS THAT WAY.

  • >> YES, THEY DO.

  • >> Dave: WE'RE STARTING A NEW

  • FEATURE CALLED WEEK IN REVIEW

  • FOR KIDS STARRING OUR FRIEND

  • DELI OWNER RUPERT G.

  • TAKE IT AWAY, RUPERT G, WEEK IN

  • REVIEW FOR KIDS.

  • >> HI, KIDS.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF

  • THIS WEEK'S NEWS STORIES WITH MY

  • LITTLE BUDDY Mr. CURRENT EVENTS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> I'M MICHAEL BROWN, I WRITE

  • CRAZY E-MAILS.

  • >> VERY NICE, MR. CURRENT

  • EVENTS.

  • WHO ELSE IS IN THE NEWS.

  • >> I'M TERRELL OWENS.

  • I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

  • >> WOW!.

  • ANYONE ELSE THE KIDS AT HOME

  • SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Mr. CURRENT

  • EVENTS?

  • >> I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, I'M

  • GETTING READY FOR MY TRIAL LATER

  • THIS WEEK.

  • >> O, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ARE YOU A

  • BAD MAN, HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF

  • YOU.

  • WELL, KIDS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME,

  • STAY IN SCHOOL.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN

  • THAT ONE OUT OF TOWN.

  • >> Paul: I WAS GOING TO SAY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU GO IN THERE

  • TOMORROW, IT WILL BE IN THE CASE

  • IT WILL BE IN THE CASE.

  • >>

  • IN THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

  • MUCH.

  • TED KOPPEL IS HERE TONIGHT, AN

  • TREY AN STASIO, AND IT'S -- WHEN

  • YOU THINK ABOUT, TOM BROKAW

  • RETIRED, DAN RATHER DETIRED,

  • PETER JENNINGS PASSED AWAY, TED

  • KOPPEL IS RETIRING.

  • ALL OF THE GREATS, THE IT WILL

  • BE TOUGH TO FILL.

  • >> Paul: CHANGING OF THE GUARD

  • TOO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOSTING OR

  • BEING PART OF A SHOW FOR 25

  • YEARS?

  • >> HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN GOING?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW T SEEMS LIKE AT

  • LEAST TWICE THAT LONG.

  • OR MAYBE IT'S JUST TONIGHT.

  • LET ME -- LET ME SET MY TASERO

  • ON SOMETHING.

  • PARDON ME MAN, DOW MIND IF I SET

  • MY TEAR --

  • CONTAINER IT WILL FLOAT.

  • >> Paul: ONE CONTAINER, I SEE, A

  • BIG HUGE BOTTLE OF IT.

  • >> Dave: D LIKE RANCH

  • DRESSING.

  • >> LOVE IT.

  • >> Dave: HOW ABOUT YOU, PAUL.

  • >> Paul: HATE IT.

  • >> Dave: YEAH?

  • >> NEVER WOULD TOUCH IT.

  • >> Dave: I HAVE NEVER BEEN FOND

  • OF IT EITHER.

  • >> Paul: IT IS A MIGRAINE

  • TIGGER.

  • >> Dave: PAUL, -- TRIGGER, PAUL,

  • YOU KNOW -- GOD KNOWS I HAVE

  • GREAT SYMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR

  • MIGRAINES, AND I KNOW YOU HAVE

  • BEEN FIGHTING A BATTLE VALIANTLY

  • FOR YEARS NOW, AND PRETTY MUCH

  • THEY ARE UNDER CONTROL.

  • BUT IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE EVERY

  • TIME WE PLAY WILL IT FLOAT,

  • WHATEVER WE ARE FLOATING IS A

  • MIGRAINE TRIGGER.

  • >> Paul: WELL, BECAUSE IT COMES

  • INTO PLAY WHEN ARE YOU TRYING TO

  • FIGURE OUT WHETHER IT -- AH!

  • NO, JUST KIDDING.

  • I THINK IT WILL FLOAT.

  • >> Dave: I THINK IT WILL FLOAT

  • ALSO.

  • HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

  • WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.

  • >> DAVE, WE'RE PLAYING FOR

  • $500,000 WORTH OF GOLD!

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

  • BRING IT UP AND PLAY WILL IT

  • FLOAT, EVERYBODY.

  • HI, GIRLS.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • ANY TIME ARE YOU READY GO AHEAD

  • AND DROP IT IN THERE.

  • LOOK AT THAT!

  • WE'LL SEE YOU LATER AT THE BIG

  • WILL IT FLOAT PARTYWILL IT TS

  • GONE AND BOB SHEAF ERT DOES A

  • TREMENDOUS JOB NOW, BUT SOME

  • KIND OF TEAM --

  • >> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LES

  • MOONVES.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • >> ACTUALLY F WE COULD JUST --

  • IF YOU DON'T MIND MY MENTIONING

  • MY KID TWIN BROTHER WHOM YOU PUT

  • ON THE AIR, I THINK FOR THE

  • FIRST TIME.

  • >> Dave: KENNY.

  • >> KENNY.

  • >> Dave: YES.

  • >> HE HASN'T BEEN ON THE AIR

  • MUCH LATELY S THERE ANYWAY THAT

  • WE COULD SEE KENNY.

  • >> Dave: TED'S TWIN BROTHER BUT

  • YOUNGER TWIN BROTHER.

  • >> YOUNGER TWIN, HIS YOUNGER

  • TWIN BROTHER.

  • GOOD EVENING THIS IS NIGHTLINE.

  • >> Dave: KENNY.

  • KENNY KOPPEL.

  • >> KENNY HAS HAD A LOT OF BOTOX

  • AND PLASTIC OVER THE LAST FEW

  • YEARS.

  • >> HE LOOKS TREMENDOUS.

  • >> HE LOOK AS MAZING.

  • I THINK IT'S THE MUSS THARB THAT

  • DID IT.

  • KENNY IS ACTUALLY -- KENNY

  • THOUGHT THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE

  • ABLE TO TAKE OVERNIGHTLINE WHEN

  • I LEFT.

  • SO HE'S SORT OF BITTER.

  • >> Dave: OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR

  • THAT.

  • >> AND RESENTFUL.

  • BUT THE REASON I MENTION IT IS

  • HE HAS GONE INTO CONSULTING.

  • AND YOU KNOW THAT LINE THAT LES

  • MOONVES HAD ABOUT, YOU KNOW, NOT

  • WANTING TO HAVE ANCHORS FROM THE

  • HERE ON END HAVE THAT SORT OF

  • VOICE OF GOD, THAT'S KENNY.

  • >> Dave: THAT WAS KENNY'S IDEA.

  • >> AND THE OTHER THING, WHO WILL

  • EVER FORGET THAT HE MENTIONED HE

  • WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING YOUNG

  • LADIES AS ANCHOR WOMEN

  • UNDRESSING AS THEY DELIVER THE

  • NEWS.

  • >> Dave: WELL, NOW YOU CAN'T

  • DISAGREE WITH THAT.

  • >> CLASSIC KENNY.

  • >> Dave: THAT WAS KENNY ALSO.

  • >> THAT WAS KENNY AGAIN.

  • >> Dave: BUT NOW OF COURSE HE'S

  • JUST THINKING, TO CONSIDER ANY

  • IDEA FOR A NEW FORMAT NOR NEWS

  • BUT LIKELY NONE OF THOSE WILL

  • REALLY STICK AM BUT DOES IT MAKE

  • YOU NERVOUS A LITTLE AS YOU LOOK

  • DOWN THE ROAD?

  • >> WELL, ONLY THAT THEY ARE NOT

  • GOING TO PUT YOU OR JON STEWART

  • IN THAT ROLE BECAUSE THEY THINK

>> Dave: NOW HERE IS AN

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レイトショー・ウィズ・デイヴィッド・レターマン 2005 (Late Show with David Letterman 2005)

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