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  • ( HEARTBEAT SOUNDS )

  • BY THE WAY, DR. PHIL IS ON THE

  • PROGRAM TONIGHT, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • ( Applause )

  • AND I OWE DR. PHIL A GREAT DEAL

  • OF CREDIT.

  • THANKS TO DR. PHIL, I AM NO

  • LONGER A SEX ADDICT.

  • >> Dave: WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR

  • YOU FOLKS.

  • DA DA DDA.

  • >> Paul: MR. LETTERMAN.

  • >> Dave: DR. PHIL IS ON THE

  • PROGRAM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • ( Applause )

  • THIS IS DR. PHIL'S NEW BOOK.

  • IT'S ALL ABOUT FAMILY FIRST.

  • AND I COULD USE SOME TIME WITH

  • DR. PHIL BECAUSE I HAVE A FAMILY

  • NOW, AND LAST THING IN THE WORLD

  • THAT I WANT TO DO IS FOR MY SON

  • TO BECOME A BRAT.

  • >> Paul: REALLY.

  • >> Dave: IF YOU LOOK AROUND, AND

  • SOMETIMES YOUR FAMILY AND

  • FRIENDS MIGHT NOTICE THIS AS

  • WELL, KIDS ARE BRATS.

  • HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE CHILDREN

  • THAT ARE BRATS?

  • ( Applause )

  • WELL, IT SCARES ME SILLY BECAUSE

  • I DON'T WANT... I WAS THE BRAT

  • IN MY FAMILY.

  • >> Paul: OH.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S ENOUGH.

  • I'M STILL THE BRAT IN MY FAMILY.

  • YOU GET DR. PHIL OUT HERE, AND

  • MY FEELING, MY HUNCH ON THIS IS

  • HOW TO KEEP YOUR KIDS FROM EARLY

  • PRISON THAT WILL KEEP THEM FROM

  • BEING BRATS.

  • >> Paul: MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO

  • ME.

  • >> Dave: WHATEVER THE LAW

  • DICTATES.

  • >> Paul: I SEE.

  • >> Dave: AND THIS IS FROM...

  • THIS IS ALL ABOUT HOW TO MAKE

  • YOUR FAMILY A GOOD FAMILIAR LAY,

  • AND HOW YOUR FAMILY CAN HAVE ITS

  • OWN TV SHOW.

  • DR. PHIL.

  • ( Applause )

  • AND ALSO FROM THE NEW CSI SHOW

  • CALLED CSI: NEW YORK, CRIME

  • SCENE INVESTIGATORS NEW YORK,

  • GARY SINISE IS HERE ON THE

  • PROGRAM.

  • THE STAR OF THAT SHOW.

  • >> Paul: GREAT ACTOR.

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: AND IF ANYTHING GOES

  • HAYWIRE, AND WHEN HAVE YOU A BIG

  • SHOW LIKE WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT,

  • YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE

  • PRECAUTIONS.

  • THE BELT AND SUSPENDER SYSTEM.

  • >> Paul: SURE.

  • >> Dave: YOU HAVE TO HAVE

  • BACKUPS.

  • IF ANYTHING GOES HAYWIRE TONIGHT

  • WE HAVE STANDING BY, A GUY WHO

  • LOOKS A LOT LIKE DR. PHIL.

  • IT'S NOT DR. PHIL.

  • IT'S A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE

  • DR. PHIL.

  • COULD WE HAVE A SHOT OF HIM?

  • WHERE IS HE?

  • RIGHT THERE.

  • >> Paul: COME ON.

  • >> Dave: IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG.

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE

  • DR. PHIL.

  • >> Paul: INTO THE TOO MUCH.

  • >> Dave: FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE,

  • WE BRING HIM IN.

  • THIS IS NORMAL PROCEDURE FOR US,

  • WE HAVE A GUY STANDING BY THAT

  • LOOKS LIKE ME.

  • ( Applause )

  • BOY, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

  • THESE PEOPLE AT CBS NEWS WITH

  • THE PHONY MEMOS.

  • HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS?

  • AND DAN RATHER AND GEORGE BUSH

  • NATIONAL GUARD SERVICE?

  • I WOULDN'T GIVE THEIR TROUBLES

  • TO A MONKEY ON A ROCK.

  • >> Paul: A MONKEY ON A ROCK?

  • >> Dave: ARE YOU LIKE ME?

  • >> Paul: I KNOW.

  • I LIKE YOU.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • IT'S CRAZY AND NOW AS ALWAYS

  • THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE SOMETHING

  • NEGATIVE LIL'... THAT'S WHAT YOU

  • DO IN SHOW BUSINESS, TAKE

  • SOMETHING NEGATIVE AND TURN IT

  • INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.

  • WATCH THIS PROMOTION FOR CBS

  • NEWS.

  • WATCH THIS.

  • >> Announcer: TONIGHT IN A CBS

  • NEWS EXCLUSIVE, WE UNCOVER

  • SHOCKING EVIDENCE OF AL QAEDA'S

  • PLOT TO INVADE MANHATTAN WITH

  • GIANT FLYING ROBOTS.

  • THAT'S TONIGHT ONLY ON THE "CBS

  • EVENING NEWS."

  • >> Dave: THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE

  • SOMETHING POSITIVE OUT OF IT.

  • >> Paul: I SEE WHAT THEY'RE

  • TRYING TO DO.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN SHOW

  • BUSINESS.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

  • >> Paul: TAKE A PILE OF [no

  • audio] AND WE TRY TO... PUT A

  • POSITIVE SPIN ON IT.

  • >> Dave: YOU NEED TO SPEND

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: I WAS... I HAD A

  • THOUGHT OVER THE WEEKEND ABOUT

  • HOW LIFE CAN BE SO UNFAIR.

  • >> Paul: WHY?

  • >> Dave: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT

  • HAPPENS.

  • OPRAH WINFREY, MOST POWERFUL

  • WOMAN IN THE WORLD, MAYBE THE

  • MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE

  • WORLD, HAS AN ENORMOUSLY POPULAR

  • TELEVISION PROGRAM.

  • SHE HAS LIKE TEN NEW SHOWS A

  • YEAR.

  • PAUL AND I, WE DO CLOSE TO 300

  • NEW SHOWS A YEAR.

  • OPRAH IS MAKING A BILLION

  • DOLLARS.

  • >> Paul: YOU'RE SAYING SHE DOES

  • TEN NEW EPISODES A YEAR.

  • >> Dave: EVERY TIME YOU TUNE IN

  • TO OPRAH, IT IS GOING TO BE AI

  • RERUN.

  • >> Paul: USUALLY IS.

  • >> Dave: PEOPLE CAN'T GET ENOUGH

  • OF HER, THEY WORSHIP HER.

  • HERE'S HOW IT IS NOT FAIR.

  • YOU AND I ARE FIGHTING IN HERE

  • EVERY NIGHT, DOING EVERYTHING WE

  • CAN AND NOTHING.

  • >> Paul: NOSE AGAINST THE

  • GRINDSTONE.

  • >> Dave: OPRAH WHO DOESN'T NEED

  • TO DO ANYTHING, HER FIRST SHOW,

  • WHAT DOES SHE DO?

  • SHE GIVES AWAY CARS.

  • ( Applause )

  • AND SHE DOES IT SO PEOPLE WILL

  • GET THEIR MIND OFF THE FACT THAT

  • SHE IS HARDLY EVER ON THE AIR.

  • ( Laughter )

  • HERE'S A NEW CAR.

  • I'LL SEE YOU IN A YEAR.

  • AND FOR A YEAR, ALL ANYBODY CAN

  • TALK ABOUT IS DID YOU GET YOUR

  • FREE CAR FROM OPRAH?

  • YES, I DID.

  • WHAT COLOR IS YOURS?

  • BLUE.

  • MINE'S GREEN.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: WE FIND OUT NOW SHE

  • RECENTLY PURCHASED TUNE-UP

  • MASTERS.

  • DID YOU KNOW THAT?

  • >> Paul: NOW THAT....

  • >> Dave: OPRAH OWNS TUNE-UP

  • MASTERS.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S HOW SHE'S

  • WORKING THE SCAM.

  • >> Dave: ANY TIME HAVE YOU

  • TROUBLE WITH TUNE-UP MASTER, YOU

  • HAVE TO BRING IT INTO TUNE-UP

  • MASTERS.

  • >> Paul: SHE OWNS IT!

  • >> Dave: WHOLE THING STINKS.

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: I THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO

  • DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

  • NOW, YOU KNOW....

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: I'LL BE HONEST... OKAY.

  • I'M GLAD YOU....

  • ( Applause )

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • I'M BLAD YOU LIKE THE IDEA.

  • SO HERE'S WHAT WE ARE GOING TO

  • DO.

  • ( Laughter and Applause )

  • YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

  • EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE

  • TONIGHT GETS AN AUTOMOBILE AIR

  • FRESHENER.

  • ( Cheers and Applause )

  • ♪ ♪♪

  • ( BAND PLAYING "SHE'S FRESH").

  • >> Dave: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

  • WITH DR. PHIL EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME BACK TO THE PROGRAM.

  • >> HOW.

  • >> Dave: PRETTY GOOD.

  • >> YEAH?

  • WE'LL SEE.

  • ( Laughter )

  • >> Dave: PRETTY GOOD.

  • >> I'M CHECKING YOU OUT FROM THE

  • MINUTE I GET HERE.

  • >> Dave: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE

  • BIG CBS PRIME TIME SPECIAL.

  • IS IT TWO HOURS?

  • >> TWO HOURS, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO

  • DO FOR TWO HOURS?

  • >> I HAVE NO IDEA.

  • NO, ACTUALLY, WE ARE GOING TO

  • TALK ABOUT FAMILY AND PARENTING

  • AND JUST ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE

  • IMPORTANT.

  • >> Dave: NOW THEY'RE RUNNING A

  • PROMOTION FOR THE BIG SHOW.

  • IT'S YOU TALKING TO SOMEBODY,

  • SAYING LADY, THERE ARE 14

  • CHARACTERISTICINGS OF A SERIAL

  • KILLER.

  • YOUR SON HAS NINE OF THEM.

  • YEAH, WHAT IS GOING ON THERE,

  • FOR GOD'S SAKES?

  • >> JEFFREY DAHMER HAD SEVEN, YOU

  • HAVE 12.

  • ( Laughter )

  • DID YOU NOT SEE THE REST OF

  • THAT?

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • >> WE'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE AND

  • EVERYTHING THERE.

  • IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

  • >> Dave: WERE YOU BEING HONEST

  • WITH THE WOMAN OR BEING

  • HYPERBOLIC TO MAKE A POINT?

  • >> NO, IT'S TRUE.

  • THERE ARE CLASSIC SYMPTOM,

  • CHARACTERISTICS, TRAITS AND SOME

  • KIDS HAVE THEM AND THEIR PARENTS

  • JUST DON'T RECOGNIZE THOSE

  • THINGS.

  • >> Dave: IF THE KIDS HAVE THEM,

  • THERE IS ANYTHING THAT CAN BE

  • DONE?

  • >> WELL, SURE, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: IF THEY'RE DISREGARDED,

  • THEY BECOME SERIAL KILLERS?