TALKING ABOUT PRESIDENT

OBAMA'S SPEECH LAST NIGHT

BUT FOR EVERY STATE OF THE

UNION, WHICH I THINK IS THE

LAW OF FISIC, THERE MUST

ALSO BE THE POST SPEECH

OPPOSITION RESPONSE.

AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT.

IT MEANS IT'S TIME TO HAND

OUT THIS YEAR'S IMPLODE

YEAST.

FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT

IN UNFORCED RESPONSE SPEECH

ERROR, PREVIOUS WINNERS

INCLUDE DRY LIPS McGEE.

AND CRAZY EYES WHERE I DO

LOOK?

AND OLD BOBBY [BLEEP] I'M

GOING TO JAIL.

SO WHO IS GOING HOME WITH

THE IMPLODIE THIS YEAR?

>> JONI ERNST IS GIVING THE

REPUBLICAN SPORS.

>> A TEA PARTY FAVORITE.

>> VERY STRONG.

>> INSTANT GOP ROCK STAR.

>> A WOMAN WHO RIDES A

HARLEY.

>> SHE GREW UP CASS

STRAIGHT-- CASTRATING PIGS.

>> TRYING TO MAKE THEM

SQUEAL IN WASHINGTON.

>> Jon: OH MAN, GOP IS

BRINGING THE FUNK.

WITHOUT BETTER THAN A HOG

BALL BULL DOZEIN SQUEAL

GENERATING HARLEY'S ANGEL TO

GRAB THE ATTENTION WITH

VITALITY OF THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE.

TAKE IT AWAY, SENATOR.

>> GROW-- GROWING UP, HI

ONLY ONE GOOD PAIR OF SHOES.

SO ON RAINY SCHOOL DAYS, MY

MOM WOULD SLIP PLASTIC BREAD

BAGS OVER THEM, BUT I WAS

NEVER EMBARRASSED.

BECAUSE THE SCHOOL BUS WOULD

BE FILLED WITH ROWS AND ROWS

OF YOUNG IOWAANS WITH BREAD

BAGS SLIPPED OVER THEIR FEET.

>> Jon: IS THAT YOU, SIRI?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, THAT

SEEMED LIKE LESS OF A

RESPONSE TO THE PRESIDENT'S

ADDRESS THAN AN APPLICATION

ESSAY TO NOSTALGIA

UNIVERSITY.

NOSTALGIA UNIVERSITY, IT WAS

BETTER WHEN YOUR DAD WENT

THERE.

WHAT IS ERNST TRYING TO

ACCOMPLISH BY TELLING HERR

ORIGIN STORY.

>> HER JOB WAS TO HUMANIZE

THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WELL, IF HER JOB WAS

TO HUMANIZE THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

ALL RIGHT.

SO THAT WAS THE REPUBLICAN

RESPONSE.

AND I GUESS BECAUSE SHE'S

THE TEA PARTY SWEETHEART, IT

COUNTS AS A TEA PARTY

RESPONSE AS WELL.

SO I GUESS WE'RE DONE.

THAT'S ALL-- CONDITIONS CURT

CLAWSON GIVING THE TEA PARTY

RESPONSE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

I THOUGHT 14E WAS THE

TEA-- ALL RIGHT, I GUESS HE

BETTER HAVE SOMETHING PRETTY

IMPORTANT TO SAY TO JUSTIFY

A SEPARATE OFFICIAL

RESPONSE.

>> DECADES AGO I PLAYED

BASKETBALL AT PURDUE.

WE HAD A GUARD FROM THE WEST

COAST, A FORWARD FROM GARY,

A POST PLAYER FROM

CINCINNATI,.

>> Jon: A SMALL-- FROM

TIJUANA AN ASSISTANT COACH

FROM THE THIRD MOON OF

JUPITER.

AND WE HAD A JEWISH WATER

BOY WITH SOME KIND OF SPEECH

IMPEDIMENT.

IT ALL WENT-- ALL RIGHT.

INSPIRING BASKETBALL MELTING

POT ANECDOTE DELIVERED.

THOSE WERE THE TWO TEA PARTY

RESPONSES AND WE'RE DONE.

SO THAT'S --

>> RAND PAUL IS GIVING ON

HIS OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL A

RESPONSE.

>> LIBERAL ELITES FLY OVER

MY SMALL TOWN BUT THEY DON'T

UNDERSTAND US.

THEY SIMPLY SEEK TO IMPOSE

THEIR WILL UPON US.

>> Jon: LIBERAL ELITES?

YOU'RE A DOCTOR AND A

SENATOR WITH A 12-TERM

CONGRESSMAN FATHER AND A

FIRST NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH A

RUSSIAN NOVELIST?

THAT'S PRETTY [BLEEP] ELITE.

SO I GUESS THE ENGINEER HERE,

LIBERAL, FINE, WE GOT THE

RESPONSE TO THE TEA PARTY

RESPONSE TO THE TEA PARTY

RESPONSE.

I ASSUME THAT'S ALL.

>> A RESPONSE FROM ANOTHER

POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE TED CRUZ.

>> Jon: HOW MANY [BLEEP]

PEOPLE ARE AT THIS TEA PARTY?

AND WHAT DID THIS GUY PUT ON

HIS FEET WHEN IT RAINED.

>> MEDIAN INCOMES HAVE

STAGNATED FOR OVER A DECADE.

>> LET ME START OVER.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: HERE'S A TIP.

IF ARE YOU LOOKING TO RUN

FOR PRESIDENT, MAYBE YOU

SHOULDN'T MAKE YOUR RESPONSE

TO THE STATE OF THE UNION

LOOK LIKE A RANSOM VIDEO.

(LAUGHTER)

OR THE PART OF THE PORNO

EVERYBODY FAST TOWARDS

THROUGH.

SENATOR CRUZ, I PRESENT TO

YOU THIS YEAR'S IMPLODIE.