字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント You know, this presidential campaign has been the craziest one in memory. But here's the thing. Yes, Americans are losing it, because Americans are going, "This election is insane!" But trust me, trust me on this. It could be worse. And it is worse. (laughter) -In Uganda. -(audience groaning) In fact, that's their national motto. (laughter) You see, you see, last week, Uganda held its presidential election. And the incumbent president, Yoweri Museveni, was reelected to his fifth term in office. Now, to break it down, this guy has been in power since 1986. Yeah, just think about that. He's been in office for 30 years. Like, in the Ugandan version of Back to the Future, whenever Doc Brown asks Marty "Who's the president?," Marty goes, "It's the same guy." -(laughter) -"It's the same... Don't ask the question. He's a dictator. It is the same guy." Now even though he won, this was the toughest challenge Museveni has ever faced. And here's the crazy thing, number one, about this election. His main opponent. WOMAN (on TV): Museveni is currently facing a serious challenge to his presidency, where his main challenger is his former personal doctor Kizza Besigye. (laughter) I can't think of anything crazier than... You... -(laughter) -Just take a second. I can't think of anyone that would be worse to run against than your own personal doctor. -(laughter) -He knows everything about you. It's gonna be the worst attack ad ever. (with accent): "The president is corrupt. "He abuses his power. "And just between you and me, "he has a rash on his scrotum that we can't seem to get rid of." (laughter) "We have tried many ointments, but the rash does not disappear." (laughter) Now, uh, speaking of Donald Trump... (laughter) He has done so well despite putting in so little effort. But in Uganda, presidential candidates put even less effort. Check out Kizza Besigye. He's campaigning while sitting on top of a couch on top of a car. You know when you're on the couch, and you're at home, and you're like, "Hmm, I'm hungry. But I don't want to get up and go to the kitchen." That's what this guy did while running for president. -(laughter) -He's sitting on top of a couch on top of a car. Honestly, like, for Uganda, that's the most American thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, the only thing that would make it even more American is if he was going through the drive-thru at Wendy's at the same time. That's the only thing. Now, the Ugandan elections were littered with fraud. The president shut down social media because it was benefitting the other candidates. And, uh, remember the president's main opponent, his personal doctor? Well, he was arrested four times during election week. And on election day itself, it just so happened that his stronghold didn't receive ballots until it was too late. NEWSWOMAN: Some voters waited more than five hours because ballots had not been delivered. We came as early as 6:00 in the morning, okay? And we've been here-- they are six hours late. Six hours late. Even Time Warner Cable is like, "Damn...!" (laughter) I mean, America has its problems when it comes to ballots, but at least Americans get their ballots. Ugandans would kill for hanging chads. Hell, they'd take some dude named Chad as long as he had some ballots with him. Anyway, the point is, obviously, President Museveni was easily reelected, and with Donald Trump also winning over the weekend, we thought, you know what, given the choice between the two power-hungry maniacs, who would voters prefer? So we actually asked some of our friends in Uganda to talk to their people in the street and ask, who would they choose, Trump... or dictator Museveni? Donald Trump or Museveni? Whom would I vote for? On pure entertainment value, Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a... is a serious radical. I don't think Ugandans would really put up with Donald Trump and his terrible hair. I have an uncle like Donald Trump. He's a man who is a loose cannon. One thing I know, he talks a lot. Damn, he took on the pope. Respect. And usually what we do at family gatherings is just give him a bit of alcohol, and he'll say all this nonsense that will excite us. I say give him a chance. That would be... like asking a Muslim if they would have bacon or ham. To-to make it simple, give me a rope, I think I'll hang myself. Wow.