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But let's move on to the 2016 presidential race.
Over the last five days, there were two debates,
one Republican and one Democrat,
both taking place in Charleston, South Carolina.
I thought I should sit for this one.
See what I did there? It's a comfortable segue move.
No one noticed a thing.
So let's start with the GOP debate.
It took place last Thursday, and it was like
your average American divorce:
long, messy, and by the end, two people who had once
affectionately stood by each other
couldn't stand each other.
That's right, Trump and Cruz.
They were at each other's throats all night,
starting when Cruz attacked what he called "New York values."
Everyone understands that the values in New York City
are socially liberal or pro-abortion
or pro-gay marriage,
focus around money and the media.
Not a lot of conservatives come out of Manhattan.
-(laughter) -I'm just saying.
"I'm just saying."
Oh, Ted Cruz-- the truth is he's just upset
because New York chewed up and spit out his Broadway dreams.
Not all of us can be Elphaba, Ted.
(laughter, applause)
Yep. Some of us have to be flying monkeys.
So to get back at Cruz,
Trump made it personal.
When the World Trade Center came down,
I saw something that no place on Earth
could have handled more beautifully,
more humanely than New York.
-(applause, cheering) -You had two one hundred...
I have to say,
I've never been more impressed with Donald Trump.
Because not only is he making Ted Cruz look like a dick...
but because Trump brought up 9/11,
Ted Cruz has to stand there and applaud Trump while he does it.
That's like getting a guy to cheer for you
as you make love to his wife.
Excellent thrusting motion, Mr. Trump.
Can I get you a Gatorade?
You're putting in quite the workout.
But let's get to what the next president of the United States
had to say-- that's right, I'm talking about Dr. Ben Carson.
He was asked if Bill Clinton's past affairs are relevant
to this election, and he had this to say.
Here's the real issue--
is this America anymore?
Do we still have standards?
You go to the Internet, you start reading an article,
and you go to the comment section,
you cannot go five comments down
before people are calling each other all manner of names.
Where did that spirit come from in America?
Are you serious?
Half your opponents in this race
are just comment sections with a campaign staff.
How's Ben Carson gonna-- oh, unless...
Wait a minute, Ben Carson...
did you just only discover the Internet now?
(like Carson): And don't get me started
on what those two girls did to that poor cup.
So moving forward to last night.
We had the Democratic debates,
which, for a change, wasn't the boring,
well-educated sibling.
Bernie challenged Hillary on her Wall Street connections,
Hillary challenged Bernie on his health care plan,
and Martin O'Malley was challenged by the crossword book
that he brought to kill time waiting for someone
-(laughter) -to ask him a question.
Now, the Democratic debate was sponsored by YouTube,
which meant we had to watch
the first five seconds of T-Mobile ads
before we could skip to the questions.
Questions that were being asked by YouTube stars.
So, uh, YouTube, meet Bernie Sanders.
How would your presidency ensure the incidents
of police violence are investigated
and prosecuted fairly?
-LESTER HOLT: Senator Sanders. -I apologize for not hearing,
uh, all of that, uh, question.
HOLT: Would you like me to read it back to you?
(like Sanders): Wha... I'm...
I'm sorry, what did she say?
I'm sorry, I don't speak the YouTube.
And later on, the questions from YouTube only got harder.
HOLT: Here's another question from YouTube.
HOLT: Senator Sanders.
Oh... oh, how great would it be
if Bernie Sanders understood that question?
It was, like, "Yes, that goat gets it.
"There is too much money of Wall Street in politics!
That's right, feel the Baaa-ern...!
But you know what, that little moment aside,
this debate was really all about Bernie Sanders.
I mean, he's now neck and neck with Hillary in many polls,
and he got the most speaking time of the debate.
So naturally, Hillary went after his record really, really hard.
But I believe Bernie Sanders when he says he's not bound
to Wall Street banks, because there's something about him
that makes him look like he invests his money
in cereal boxes around his house.
But, like... but jokes aside,
Bernie was so in the zone last night.
He didn't even have to speak to get his points across.
He's criticized President Obama.
Senator Sanders called him weak, disappointing.
He even, in 2011...
That is some serious, vicious side-eye.
That's the look you give your roommate
when he tells you that he bought a second snake.
I didn't know you had a first snake.
You know, I really had so much fun
watching both of these debates.
But they were so close together. I mean, it was two debates
in four days. And it made me ask the question
why not just combine the debates?
And I... Look, I know that's not how it works
with the two parties here, but just think about it.
Think about it like an... like an all-star break.
Because the way it works now,
we may never get to see Trump versus Bernie
or Hillary versus Cruz
or Carson versus a lullaby.
I never stood a chance
against those tree tops.
And all that trash that everyone is talking,
they'd get to do it straight to each other's face.
This president allows lawlessness
throughout this country.
President Obama has led our country
out of the Great Recession.
My good friend Donald Trump,
beating him by 19 points in New Hampshire.
President Obama is not protecting American workers
and we are getting hammered.
And I'm gonna defend President Obama for taking on Wall Street,
taking on the financial industry and getting results.
Hillary Clinton is disqualified from being commander in chief
-of the United States. -CLINTON: That is not what I've heard.
Let me leave it at that.
You see? It's amazing. It's amazing.
But the best reason for combining the debates
would be because we could have watched Bernie Sanders
giving more side-eye.
Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton will say
it's those evil rich people. It's not the evil rich people,
it's the evil government.
I like everybody on the stage. No one's a socialist.
No one here is under FBI investigation.
And I know Bernie and I can promise you he's not
gonna be president of the United States.
Oh, I love it. I love it so much.
Bernie Sanders is the cutest old man ever.
It's like he's always being told that the cafeteria
is fresh out of pudding. He just has...


The Daily Show - Breaking Down the Republican and Democratic Debates

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VoiceTube 2016 年 7 月 7 日 に公開
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