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  • [video game beeping]

  • [upbeat music in headphones]

  • - [singing] 'Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby

  • You're gonna drop, drop--

  • - Uh, hi. Excuse me.

  • I wasn't expecting to see Porky here.

  • Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

  • we just can't seem to find the bathroom.

  • - Oh. You come here a lot?

  • - Uh, just when my son has a birthday.

  • - Oh, right on. Well...

  • I'm here all the time. [chuckles]

  • Uh, listen,

  • I know a way to make your son's birthday

  • the best ever.

  • - Sounds great.

  • - Yeah, you can give him the gift

  • he's been desperately wanting.

  • - What's that?

  • - A father-figure. - Excuse me?

  • - You and I can get together and we can give him back

  • his childhood before it's too late.

  • What do you say, sport?

  • How would you like Porky to be your dad, huh?

  • [groans, gasping]

  • - Good job, Davey, that was definitely

  • "stranger danger."

  • - [choking] Wait! Wait!

  • - Oh, my God!

  • Ian, are you okay?

  • [both grunt]

  • - [panting] No, Mads, I'm not okay.

  • I've totally lost my Mom Game.

  • [upbeat music]

  • - This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - Not you, though

  • - You're stuck here

  • - 'Cause you're a part-timer

  • - Yeah!

  • - You can do anything

  • - As long it's not hard

  • - And you can go anywhere

  • - As soon as you get a car

  • - You're gonna be a huge success

  • - Come on, that's not who you are

  • - You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job

  • Is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • [creaks]

  • [crashes]

  • - Just sit down and relax.

  • - You know, girls used to fall for me

  • and see me as husband material.

  • Now they don't even see me as step-dad material.

  • Somewhere I've just lost my special lady touch.

  • - Here, let me help.

  • - What are you doing? What--

  • [grunts]

  • - You're much more attractive when you're not talking.

  • [upbeat music]

  • - You're just telling me this now?

  • What the [bleep]?

  • [suspenseful music]

  • - Lori, Ian almost died just now.

  • I'm not saying that would've been a total loss,

  • but I am saying you should let me teach a first aid class.

  • - Hurry up, Dinger.

  • You don't need ten minutes for every move.

  • - Lori, please!

  • No one knows anything about safety around here.

  • - I can hold my breath up to seven minutes

  • and still defend myself.

  • I'm the very image of safety.

  • - Fine. - Yes!

  • [suspenseful music]

  • - Got to take the load off sometime, huh?

  • - Hm. - Yeah, me too.

  • You know, no one ever tells you

  • with kids it's just take, take, take.

  • - Mm-hmm. - [sighs]

  • [suggestive music]

  • - Oh, thank you.

  • [video games beeping]

  • - Thank you all for attending first aid class.

  • Just one of the many benefits we're offering

  • our strip mall community

  • and, in exchange, you guys will give us

  • free car washes, right?

  • - We'll talk.

  • - The pretty one offered pizza?

  • - Oh, I never said that.

  • - I did.

  • - You know, I wanted to switch to formula

  • because after six months of breastfeeding,

  • I couldn't feel my nipples. - [groans]

  • - Does that make me a terrible mother?

  • - Uh-huh. - You know, you're right.

  • Taking care of myself will only make me a better mom.

  • You know, you're a good therapist.

  • - [giggles]

  • - You know, I have a friend

  • who's struggling with some body image issues,

  • could I bring her over?

  • - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

  • - Mads, the floor's all yours.

  • Whoo!

  • - We will have pizza at the certification ceremony,

  • but first, we have a three-hour lecture,

  • a self-reflection essay,

  • and a multiple-choice quiz.

  • - Three hours? - W-w-wait.

  • Three hours buys you a lifetime of safety.

  • Plus, two full years of certification.

  • - Come on, man, let's get pizza next door.

  • You want to come?

  • - Or, I'm prepared to show you how to

  • disembowel an attacker with a flick of the wrist.

  • - And I will show you how to re-embowel him

  • with first aid.

  • [cheers]

  • - I'm going with Dinger. - Yeah! Uh-huh.

  • - Whoo!

  • [all giggling]

  • - This is better than therapy.

  • - Better than chardonnay. - Ooh, Helen, you bad.

  • [laughter]

  • - You are so not like my ex-husband, Porky.

  • I find that a man that's not trying to fix me

  • is incredibly appealing. - Yeah.

  • - Yes. - That's right.

  • - [giggles] - Hey, Ian--

  • Porky, uh,

  • Lori says we have to go to first aid class

  • in the staff room.

  • - [grunts angrily]

  • Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

  • [groans angrily]

  • Forget first aid.

  • I have an emergency and I need your help.

  • - Me? Oh, my God, Ian, anything.

  • - Shh.

  • - [whispers] Anything.

  • - Okay. I'm in total lust.

  • - Um...sorry?

  • - Go in to Lori's office, get the box of red wine,

  • the boom box, and the tape labeled "Love Making Mix."

  • Now! - No!

  • I'm not going to help you seduce a bunch of customers!

  • Okay? I'm going to first aid.

  • - Dude, you're an Eagle Scout,

  • you don't need a class in first aid.

  • You need a master class in manhood.

  • Hell, I'll give you a merit badge, okay?

  • - Fine, okay?

  • But just to be clear, there's no orgy merit badge.

  • - Pete, prepare to learn from a sexual dynamo.

  • And, um, by the way, when the love making starts,

  • uh, don't look me straight in the eye.

  • You know? Keep me in the corner.

  • Direct eye contact's weird. Okay? Cool.

  • - Okay. Got it.

  • - Elbow left! - [all grunt]

  • - Let sweep right! - [all grunt]

  • - Now let's hear those battle cries.

  • [all shout]

  • - Now, take your wallet's back...

  • [all grunt] And then your dignity.

  • [gong crashes]

  • - Unless you never have any.

  • Hey-oh! [both laugh]

  • - [clears throat]

  • St--

  • So, now that your attacker

  • is disabled, disemboweled,

  • and decapitated, tell someone to call 911.

  • - Too late!

  • Your attacker's syndicate is rolling up

  • with a taste for vengeance.

  • Assume your ready position. [all grunt]

  • - [groans, whines]

  • [suggestive music] - Oh, yeah.

  • Oh, right there. That's the spot.

  • - You can only supplement your personality so much, Linda.

  • You have needs.

  • - You know, I don't think that my ex-husband even loved me.

  • I think he just liked the mask I wore

  • as a "happy wife."

  • And I'm afraid to take that mask off.

  • Oh, Porky.

  • I know you love me just the way I am.

  • - What's under your mask, Porky?

  • I want to see what's under fun fur.

  • - Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

  • - Can we see what's under there?

  • - Come on, let me help you get it off.

  • [suggestive music]

  • [all chuckle and coo] - Oh, he's so cute.

  • - You're adorable.

  • - [laughs]

  • - Look at those cheeks.

  • - You know what? You have been so good to us,

  • I think we should give back to you.

  • - Yeah. - Mm.

  • - I am so ready for that, ladies.

  • [suggestive music]

  • Let's do this.

  • [upbeat music]

  • all: Kee-yah! - Hut!

  • all: Kee-yah!

  • - Now that's what you do when the valet

  • says your car is not nice enough to park.

  • - This is not first aid!

  • Dinger, I'm trying to teach people skills

  • that will help them save their lives,

  • not just destroy other people's lives.

  • - The best offense is a good defense.

  • The best defense is jumping off the wall

  • on to your attacker's brain. - [shudders]

  • - [yells] [thuds]

  • [all groan]

  • - Dinger?

  • Dinger?

  • He's dislocated his shoulder.

  • Lori, get me a pillow. Ella, call 911.

  • Car wash guys, hold his body,

  • I'm gonna snap his shoulder back in its socket.

  • One, two-- [bones crack]

  • - [screams]

  • - Oh.

  • [amazed gasps]

  • - How'd you know to do all that?

  • - Have you been here for the last hour?

  • - Do you any idea how humiliating it is

  • to not be able to ride a plane?

  • If you invite me to Paris,

  • I have to leave six months in advance

  • to go through the Panama Canal.

  • - Ohh... - Baby...

  • - Honey, it's okay. - Everyone makes mistakes.

  • You are a human being.

  • - I thought you were a "sexual dynamo."

  • - I'm not, Pete!

  • Moms...

  • I have a confession.

  • I thought this whole thing was leading to

  • the best orgy of my life-- - [clears throat]

  • - Okay, the only orgy of my life.

  • - Aww.

  • - You thought you had a chance with us?

  • - That's so cute. [chuckles]

  • - Honestly, I would choose him before you.

  • - [chuckles]

  • - Can we still be friends? all: Oh, of course we can.

  • - Nope. You gonna lose that paw.

  • [video games beeping]

  • - Coming through, guys.

  • - Oh, my God! Is he gonna be okay?

  • - Yes, thanks to my expertise.

  • - Hey!