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  • [children chanting] Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!

  • Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!

  • [techno music]

  • [music stops, stutters]

  • - No.

  • Damn it, Mads, you're jamming my flow.

  • I told you to go around during showtime.

  • - Sorry.

  • - [sighs]

  • [techno music resumes]

  • - Put on your pee pants, pants,

  • because things are about to get crazy.

  • It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

  • It's the performance of a lifetime.

  • It comes every third hour on the hour.

  • The king of quills.

  • The prince of prick.

  • Mr. Pork E. Pine!

  • [children chanting] Pork E.!

  • [children cheering]

  • [wacky music playing]

  • - [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time

  • Hey its Pork E. time

  • Pork E. time

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • [wacky music playing]

  • - Excuse me?

  • I work in TV,

  • and I want to talk to someone about Pork E.

  • Do you know who's in charge here?

  • - This guy.

  • Well, technically, it's that guy.

  • [wacky music continues]

  • - Thank you.

  • - [high-pitched singing] Pork E. Pine

  • - Guys, we're gonna be on a TV commercial!

  • - Wow! - [laughs]

  • - And Ian is gonna star as the face of childhood obesity.

  • - Oh, because he looks like a fat child.

  • - No.

  • Because Pork E. may be portly,

  • but he can still dance.

  • And that is what childhood obesity is all about.

  • - What are the rest of us doing for the commercial?

  • - [scoffs]

  • - Oh, nothing.

  • Ian is the only one in the commercial.

  • Did I not make that clear?

  • - He does look like a fat child.

  • - Guys, we can all watch it on TV together.

  • - Hey. Can a fat child do this?

  • [scatting]

  • Can a fat child do this?

  • Whoa--aah!

  • [crashes] Ow!

  • [lively music]

  • - No, no, no. What happened to your leg?

  • - They said if I put any more pressure on it,

  • it'll snap like a twig.

  • Dude, I had to borrow this scooter from my Nana

  • in exchange for taking her to water aerobics for a month.

  • - This is a huge opportunity for us.

  • Don't you understand, man?

  • Thousands of dollars in free advertising.

  • - I understand, but I can't dance, man.

  • - [sighs]

  • [techno music playing]

  • Then you'll teach someone who can.

  • - Forget it.

  • Every time they go near that suit,

  • Ian leaves a single piece of poop in my locker.

  • - That was just one little nug.

  • And I warned you: no one touches the suit.

  • - That nug stunk for weeks

  • and ruined my limited edition Bono AIDS iPod.

  • - Okay, no one who likes Bono deserves the suit.

  • - Ian, if we get the pork man on TV,

  • he'll be a celebrity, and that means you'll be a celebrity.

  • - Okay, fine.

  • But I'm not gonna take it easy on him.

  • When he's dancing, he's representing me.

  • - All right.

  • Dinger?

  • - I'll do it.

  • I'll do it for Nana's scooter.

  • [chuckles]

  • - Yes! Going to Hollywood, guys.

  • [wheels squeaking]

  • - Wrong. Wrong.

  • You can't put on the suit until your body is prepped and lubed.

  • - Whatever, dude.

  • - Oh, you think this is funny?

  • Do you think these are funny?

  • [dramatic music]

  • - Oh, God. - Yeah.

  • What are you gonna do when your nipples start to sweat?

  • And that sweat turns into salt crystals,

  • which then turns into little tiny razor blades...

  • - No. - That shred your soft,

  • sweet nipple meat.

  • Don't even get me started on

  • what's gonna happen to your thighs.

  • Now let's get you lubed up.

  • Oh, Jesus, Dinger.

  • Really?

  • [lively music]

  • - Hey, girl, I'm covering the prize booth, and--

  • [funky music]

  • Ooh. I'll figure it out.

  • - Is it supposed to feel so good?

  • - Can you please just not say that while I'm down here?

  • - Yeah.

  • [lasers firing on arcade game]

  • - Hey, Ding--or--

  • Hi, Lori. You're working prizes now?

  • - Just like I did in '96.

  • Dinger makes this out to be rocket science,

  • but it's just counting tickets and handing out toys.

  • - What do I get for this?

  • - Oh, well, let's see what you got.

  • All right, one...two...

  • - I want a stretchy hand and I want it now.

  • - As soon as I'm done counting.

  • - My parents are in the car, so let's not keep 'em waiting.

  • Huh, toots?

  • [dramatic music] - I want it all!

  • - You will give this place the respect it deserves.

  • Mads.

  • - It's mine!

  • [all screaming]

  • [dramatic music swells]

  • [watch beeps]

  • - Workout gear! What do you think?

  • - Are those Ella's shorts?

  • Dude, you shouldn't go through other peoples' lockers.

  • That's not cool. - Oh, it's cool to crap in 'em?

  • Come on, man, just give me the suit.

  • Hey. Hey!

  • - You don't get to wear the suit

  • until you can handle wearing the suit.

  • - Just gonna grab this-- - No.

  • - Aah.

  • - Your training...starts now.

  • [intense music]

  • The suit is heavy.

  • It puts pressure on your shoulders,

  • your legs, and, sometimes after dry cleaning,

  • your junk.

  • Also...the suit is dark.

  • - [whimpers]

  • - The suit it taxing.

  • I once made it all the way to the locker room

  • before I realized I had a kid stuck in my quills.

  • Lastly, the suit is hot.

  • - Wait.

  • - Five, six, seven, eight.

  • [snappers popping] Cross over front.

  • Cross over back.

  • Pull!

  • Now jump into a split.

  • - I can't, I-- - Jump, damn you.

  • [intense music continues]

  • I might have taken this a bit too far.

  • - No, this is for television, man.

  • - You're right. Ten more minutes.

  • [scary music] - Where are their parents?

  • - I thought you've done this before.

  • - Hey, what's up, guys?

  • - Watch out, Pete, they can smell fear!

  • - It's already too late! Aah!

  • - Hand over the helicopter and no one else gets hurt.

  • - Never. - Aah!

  • - For the 100th time,

  • cross over front... [snappers popping]

  • Jump kick right.

  • And jump into a split.

  • - I...I can't.

  • - I said jump!

  • - I don't think I can do it!

  • - Jump split, damn you!

  • [snappers pop] - [whines]

  • - Congratulations.

  • You're ready.

  • - [exhales weakly]

  • [dramatic music] [children clamoring]

  • - Ow! Oh, my God.

  • - I got a plan. Cover me.

  • I said cover me!

  • [children shouting]

  • Hey, hey, hey!

  • This what y'all want? Huh? Huh?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Come on, get it. Come on.

  • [children screaming]

  • [dramatic music]

  • - Hey, you can't lock us in here.

  • - You got an iPhone. Text your parents.

  • - What's your Wi-Fi password?

  • - [sighs]

  • - Action.

  • Action.

  • Action. - That's my chair.

  • - Oh. Oh, yeah, sorry.

  • Uh, you just have a trailer I can just hang out in?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Where is it?

  • - I can't do this.

  • - Hey. - [muffled scream]

  • - Listen, listen.

  • You're gonna nail it,

  • Pork E .'s gonna be famous,

  • and Nana's never gonna see this scooter again.

  • Got it? - Okay.

  • - Places, please. - Go.

  • Hey, no, no. This way, this way, this way.

  • - I wish I was back in the trunk.

  • - Go.

  • - And action.

  • - Action. That's an action.

  • [wacky music playing]

  • - Come on, Dinger, come on.

  • - [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time

  • [wacky music continues]

  • - [grunts]

  • - What is he doing?

  • - [grunting]

  • - I think he's-- - Is he?

  • - No.

  • - I just pooped in your suit!

  • - What? - You mother[bleep]!

  • Ow! - It's just a nug.

  • Oh, wait.

  • He might have a friend.

  • [grunting]

  • - I'm gonna kill you!

  • - The second one was for Bono!

  • Whoo.

  • Yeah!

  • - No, no, no.

  • [wheels squeaking] Aah!

  • - Whoo! - Dinger!

  • Aah!

  • - We can just fix that in post, right?

  • [upbeat music]

[children chanting] Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!

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