THANK YOU!

>> Stephen: I WILL GET BACK TO THE MOVIE IN JUST A SECOND.

DO YOU PICK UP THE GUN?

DOES JENNIFER PICK UP THE GUN?

>> I'D LOVE TO.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CUT THROAT TO ANYBODY?

>> I WOULD GO THROUGH A LOT OF REGULATIONS BEFORE DOING IT.

AND IF I WAS ON A NO-FLY LIST, I WOULD NOT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

YOU ARE KNOWN AS ONE OF THE MOST RELATABLE PEOPLE OUT THERE.

>> HE SAYS ON TELEVISION.

>> Stephen: NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

I'VE TALKED TO A LOT OF PEOPLE OVER THE YEARS WHO ARE

PROFESSIONALLY FAMOUS AND SUPPOSEDLY RELATABLE.

BUT YOU ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

>> OH, THANK YOU!

>> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY BEING A HUMAN BEING?

>> I DO, YEAH.

>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT PERFECT.

>> NO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Stephen: NO, I'M SAYING YOU DON'T MIND SEEMING LIKE YOU'RE

NOT PERFECT.

>> I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.

>> Stephen: YOU COULD.

PEOPLE HAVE PUBLICISTS.

>> OH, I DO.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU NICE FOR YOUR PUBLICIST?

>> NO.

I DON'T THINK SO.

SHE'S A NIGHTMARE.

(LAUGHTER) I'M KIDDING.

I HAVE BEEN WITH HER SINCE I WAS 16.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

YEAH.

WE'RE LIKE SISTERS.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE HERE WITH YOUR FOLKS TONIGHT.

>> I KNOW.

>> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE.

THEIR FLIGHT GOT DELAYED.

SORRY.

I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM, ANYWAY.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 45 SECONDS AND I FEEL LIKE

I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT ATTACK YOU.

>> I HAVE BEEN DROPPED BY MY PUBLICIST, MY PARENTS WILL BE

GONE BY THE TIME I GET BACK THERE.

THEY'RE FROM KENTUCKY.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE FROM KENTUCKY, TOO.

>> I AM.

HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT I HAD A SOUTHERN ACCENT, I

COULDN'T GET OUT OF IT AND I WAS ON SET.

AND I'M, LIKE, I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY ACCENT, I DON'T KNOW WHY!

BECAUSE I LOST IT WHEN I WAS A TEENAGE SNORE WHEN DOES IT COME

BACK?

>> I AM TOLD BY BOYFRIENDS WHEN I'M YELLING, AND THEN PROBABLY

MAYBE WHEN I'M DRINKING.

BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE ONE ANYMORE.

>> Stephen: NO, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE ONE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM DISTRICT 12.

>> WHAT'S THAT I?

>> Stephe >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T THE

SLIGHTEST IDEA.

I'M A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN.

WHY WOULD I KNOW?

THAT'S KIND OF CREEPY.

(APPLAUSE) THE NEW MOVIE YOU'RE DOING WITH

DAVIDO RUGSLE, THIS IS YOUR THIRD MOVIE, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S HE LIKE TO WORK WITH AS A DIRECTOR?

IS HE A TUMPY-FEELY, LET'S GET TO KNOW YOU KIND OF DIRECTOR OR

A SHOUTY DIRECTOR?

>> NO, HE SHOUTS BUT NEVER IN ANGER.

HE'S JUST BIG AND ANIMATED BUT HE NEVER SHOUTS FROM ANGER.

>> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE THAT THAN OTHER DIRECTORS WHO COME IN

AND SAY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I THINK?

>> NO, I WORK MUCH BETTER WITH HIM BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH

SPORTS.

IT'S MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S, THAT'S BAD!

BE BETTER!

INSTEAD OF, I FEEL LIKE THE CHARACTER -- I'M JUST, DO YOU

WANT ME TO TALK LOUDER, SLOWER --

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO HUNKER DOWN AND GO DOWN AND OUT AND I

WILL HIT YOU!

>> YEAH, EXACTLY.

GET THIS RIGHT OR WE DON'T BREAK FOR LUNCH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOUR KENTUCKY ACCENT JUST CAME BACK.

WHEN YOU DO SPORTS IT COMES BACK.

(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE PLAYING A GUY -- A GUY.

YOU'VE GOT THAT RANGE.

(LAUGHTER) JOY MANGANO, RIGHT?

WHO INVENTED THE MIRACLE MOP.

(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: IS THAT A TRUE

SNERN.

>> YES, BASED ON JOY MANGANO.

IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON HER LIFE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO DO A

STRAIGHT BIOGRAPHICAL BUT ALL THE CRAZY PARTS ARE BASED ON HER

AND HER LIFE.

>> Stephen: SHE MAKES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OFF THIS INVENTION.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: SUPER RICH.

YEAH.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF ANYTHING TO INVENT?

>> TAPING YOUR APPLE TV THE REMOTE TO A WOODEN SPOON DEVICE,

DISCUSS THAT COUNT?

>> Stephen: YEAH, SURE DOES.

THEN YES.

>> Stephen: WOW.

WE ONLY HAVE 60 LEFT.

CALL NOW.

(LAUGHTER) ROBERT DE NIRO IS IN THIS.

HE WILL BE MY GUEST WEDNESDAY.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANTED TO ASK HIM BUT DIDN'T

HAVE THE JUEVOS TO ASK HIM?

>> HE'S A SOFT SPEAKER.

I SPEND THE WHOLE TIME SAYING, WHAT?!

WHAT?!

HE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE THE OLD ONE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACTOR'S TRICK.

>> I KNOW.

BUT I THINK IT'S REALISM.

ASK HIM IF THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN HIS CUCUMBER MARTINI BETWEEN

SHAKEN AND COLD.

THAT IS WHAT HE SAYS -- REALLY, REALLY, EXTREMELY, VERY COLD.

AND EVERY TIME HE ORDERS THEM, IT'S, LIKE, CAN YOU FEEL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING SHAKEN IN ICE AND BEING SHAKEN IN ICE

FOR A LITTLE BIT LONGER?

IT'S WHY I DON'T INTERVIEW PEOPLE, IT'S A TERRIBLE

QUESTION.

I DON'T KNOW.

CAN WE QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME?

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.

I CAN'T THINK OF MY QUESTIONS!

(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: YOU AND AMY

SHIEWMER ARE BUDDIES.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: SHE SAYS SHE LOVES BEING WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE

THE IDEAL HOTTEST VERSION OF HER SHE CAN THINK OF.

>> IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT UGLY ENOUGH AND I'M NOT HOT ENOUGH TO

PULL THESE JOKES OFFER.

AND SHE'S, LIKE, I KNOW I'M GORGEOUS, BUT I DO IT IN

STANDUP, AND IT WORKS.

I'M, LIKE, I DON'T THINK IT MAKES SINCE.

SHE HAS A SWEET LITTLE ASS, A GREAT (BLEEP).

>> Stephen: YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE PERSON.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: BUT, AGAIN, YOU'RE WILLING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS

THAT ARE UNGLAMOROUS.

YOU WILLING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T GLAMOROUS.

LIKE I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT VERY SICK MAKING THIS FILM.

>> I DID.

I GOT A STOMACH VIRUS.

I WAS PUKING.

I HAD TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEBODY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) AND I WOULD START PUKING AND DO

MOUTHWASH AND BE, LIKE, ARE YOU READY?

LICKING MY CHOPS -- >> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU WIN

A GOLDEN GLOBE.

(LAUGHTER) >> I'M A BIG-TIME PUKE SNORER.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

YEAH, I'M LIKE A SHOW PONEY.

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AND I KEEP GOING UNTIL MY BODY IS LIKE IF

WE DON'T MAKE HER BARK OR PASS OUT, SHE WON'T STOP.

I GET LINDSEY LOHAN-GRADE EXHAUSTION BUT WITHOUT ANY DRUGS

OR ALCOHOL.

I'M ALWAYS IN BED EARLY.

>> Stephen: ANYTHING WE CAN LOOK FORWARD TO IN THE NEXT FEW

MINUTES?

>> I NEVER KNOW.