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  • Hi everyone! This video is going to be about my past, such as my

  • childhood and teenage years, how things were for me in middle and

  • high school, and the struggle I had with my gender identity and

  • becoming my true self, through the mental disorders and trauma.

  • This is a very lengthily life story, but is divided into

  • sections you can access by looking in the description. So,

  • thank you to anyone in advanced who watches the entire thing.

  • I apologize if I am smiling at any of this because this is not

  • anything to smile about. As a general warning, this video

  • could be triggering to some individuals since it includes

  • references of trauma, abandonment, abuse, and

  • bullying, among other things. So please watch with caution.

  • My childhood is very difficult for me to talk about, and is

  • also something I really don't remember because it was so

  • traumatic I blocked most of it out. There is only a small

  • amount I remember, some good, some bad. So, a lot of the

  • information provided here was given to me by my family that

  • knows about my past. Of course, these people don't know

  • everything that happened to me and I suspect a lot is being

  • intentionally hidden from me as well. So, ever since I was a

  • child I was severely abused. Physical abuse, I was hit,

  • kicked, slapped around, anything you could imagine. Not just by

  • one person, but by multiple people. I remember being

  • suffocated at one point. One thing that was told to me was

  • that at some point I was tied up to a chair by someone I didn't

  • know because I was out of control. I don't know how long

  • or if anything else happened, but it sounds like a terrifying

  • moment for a child. Emotional abuse, I was called names, but

  • more seriously, I was abandoned by so many people. I'll get to

  • that in a minute. Sexual abuse, it wouldn't surprise me if

  • things were done to me. But, there are also things that I

  • have done that I will have to live with for the rest of my

  • life. I cannot go back and change my past, and if I did, I

  • wouldn't be the same person I am today. I had nowhere to escape,

  • I was trapped. The only release I got was when I went to my

  • grandparent's. They were always nice to me and never neglected

  • me. That was the one place I felt safe and could have

  • attention. If it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would

  • be today. Regarding abandonment, I was neglected by most people.

  • My mother never paid much of any attention, plus I never had a

  • father that was actively in the picture. I did see him a very

  • few times, but I don't know what we did, if anything. Shortly

  • thereafter, someone else from that side of the family started

  • spending time with me, and we became very close. We would go

  • on adventures and I really had a lot of fun. She was there for me

  • during the times I couldn't be with my grandparents. One day

  • she was supposed to come pick me up, but she never showed up.

  • People tried to get ahold of her, but there was no response.

  • I thought she died. There are a lot of mental problems that run

  • in my family, especially on that side, my father's side, so

  • perhaps that is why they left me, and perhaps where I got some

  • of the issues I have today. I don't know that side of the

  • family, so I don't know the extent of the mental issues that

  • run there. I was a very violent and angry child. I've taken my

  • anger out in ways that were unacceptable. It was only over

  • the past few years that I have been able to find a better

  • outlet. One thing I did was constantly break by prescription

  • glasses when I would get angry. Another thing was slam my head

  • against things. There was one point, which I don't remember,

  • where I threatened to kill my mother with a screwdriver for

  • what she had done to me. She was terrified out of her mind and

  • thought I would kill her when she was asleep. When I turned

  • five my sister was born. I always wanted to be the only

  • child, and get the attention I deserved, and now with my

  • sister, any kind of attention that could've been became

  • non-existent. I hated my sister for being born and supposedly

  • I hurt her. I was also signed up for lots of activities. Music,

  • swimming, anything else. And, I hated it. If it was learning to

  • play musical instruments, I would hide the instrument so

  • I could get out of doing it. I hated being around other

  • children, and just wanted to be alone in my room. I was most of

  • the time anyway. So, I usually just played video games by

  • myself. Back then, I remember thinking about death a lot, but

  • it didn't scare me. I remember thinking about ways I could die

  • and it fascinated me. I had a wooden bunk bed in my room, even

  • though I was the only one that slept in there. But, I remember

  • kicking and pushing as hard as I could with my legs to try and

  • get the top bunk to fall on top of me in hopes that it would

  • kill me. I remember splitting my arm open somehow about an inch

  • when jump on my bed I believe. I don't know if that's what

  • happened or just what I was supposed to believe, or if it

  • even was an accident. I still have the scar today. I remember

  • this one delusion, where I thought there was a girl my age

  • that lived across the street from where my room was. I don't

  • think I could see her at all, but I thought a girl lived there

  • and thought she was my girlfriend. She monitored

  • everything I did in my room, never judged and was nice.

  • I don't know if I ever talked to her, nor do I know if she talked

  • to me, perhaps we did. But, I knew she was there always

  • watching me. I felt I was watched by a lot of things,

  • especially in space, but I was not scared or paranoid of it.

  • Regarding my gender identity, I believe I faintly remember going

  • into my mother's room and looking at her clothing and

  • shoes, wanting to try them on, perhaps even trying on the

  • shoes. I don't know. I remember I hated having a penis.

  • I remember so many times having scissors down there about ready

  • to cut it off. Of course, I never did it, wouldn't have been

  • able to get surgery otherwise. But, I do clearly remember being

  • on the verge of getting rid of it because I didn't like it. Or

  • perhaps that was also another thought of death I had. I also

  • remember in school someone asked me if I had a penis, and I said,

  • "No, it got cut off." I denied it because I hated it. What I

  • also remember is when my mother was watching some movie about

  • men that cross-dressed and were living like women. I remember

  • thinking in my head, that is what I'm going to do when I get

  • older. As far as school goes, I was very shy and never really

  • talked with anyone. I didn't really have many friends, but

  • the ones I did have I had a lot of fun with. Though, I was made

  • fun of and bullied. Additionally, I also had a

  • speech impediment and couldn't say certain letters correctly,

  • so I had to take speech therapy. I remember I was so scared of

  • using the bathroom in school that I held it all day long.

  • This even continued through high school. Though, when I was

  • younger it was quite difficult holding it for that long and I

  • had some accidents that I'm not proud of. The reason why I hated

  • bathrooms, I don't know. Perhaps it was related to my body, or

  • some abuse I don't remember, or a combination of the two. I

  • don't have a clue. By the time I turned 10, I had moved in full

  • time with my grandparents and still live there today. I was

  • luckily able to get away from the abuse and live in a

  • comforting household. Though, my problems

  • were only starting to begin.

  • Around age 11 and 12, it was around the time I started to hit

  • puberty. Things drastically turned bad in my life on so many

  • levels. Going through puberty is extremely difficult for any

  • transgender individual. Your body is changing in the opposite

  • way you would like and it is a terrifying experience. I hated

  • the fact that I was getting a deeper voice, facial and body

  • hair, and other things. The hatred I had towards myself was

  • astronomical. I would look in the mirror and say, "I hate you,

  • you ugly slob." And I would cry so badly when I saw any kind of

  • picture of myself. I didn't get why people thought I was good

  • looking, because I didn't see it. Something else that became

  • very troubling was that my thought process became very

  • distorted. Unexpectedly out of nowhere, I started to become

  • very paranoid of people, thinking they were watching me,

  • reading my thoughts at all times. When they would look at

  • me, they would know instantly what I was thinking. Every time

  • I would think something, it was broadcast outside my head for

  • the whole world to hear. This was very different from how

  • I was prior. I was doing fine, no paranoia, no delusions, I

  • trusted people, and invited them to birthday parties and would go

  • to theirs willingly, but I was usually held back by shyness,

  • that's it. But after my thoughts changed, I was so paranoid of

  • them, thinking they would hurt me and do me harm. On top of

  • that, I slowly lost all interest in human interaction. I just

  • wanted to be alone, and I was. I stayed in my room, avoided

  • people, stopped talking with people, including my family. Of

  • course some of this was due to my depressed about my gender

  • identity. Whenever I would talk to my grandmother, I would sit

  • behind a corner so she couldn't see me. Or, I would put

  • something in the way so she couldn't look at me. I hated

  • being looked at, because I felt ugly, but also that other people

  • were reading my mind. These things started to become more

  • and more severe. It got to the point where I put black

  • construction paper on my window to, one block out the sun, and

  • block out anyone who was watching me in my room. I spent

  • most of my time alone in my room, away from even my family.

  • I was terrified every second I had to leave my room because

  • I thought someone would break in and go through my things.

  • Whenever I would take a shower, I thought my grandmother would

  • go up there and root around. This continued until after I

  • finished high school. So much to the point where I had to lock my

  • door and put a piece of paper under it to see if anyone broke

  • in. But, I also believed that people knew I did this and would

  • put it back the way I had it after they broken in. I remember

  • around the time I became a teenager or short thereafter,

  • I saw a documentary on TV about this male to female transgender

  • person that was about to undergo SRS. I was so fascinated and

  • said, "That will be me in the future!" Though, back then my

  • plan was very different. I was never going to tell my family. I

  • was going to wait until I was 30 or 40 and had a place of my own,

  • and then I would transition, and purposefully lose all

  • communication with my family. I would shut them out.

  • And, I'm very glad that did not happen.

  • In middle school, grades six through eight were the worst. I

  • never fit into any group. I was always the outcast that everyone

  • thought was weird and creepy and made fun of. I could hear them

  • taking about me, whispering negative things about me to one

  • another. After hitting puberty and when I became paranoid and

  • delusional, I was no longer able to really make any friends. I

  • didn't have a problem before, I was just shy. But, afterwards it

  • became a total inability to communicate effectively with

  • others to make friends. I could not relate and didn't know how

  • to make friends. This continues to remain with me today. The

  • people I thought were friends, always turned against me and

  • would do and say things about me to get me down. I was bullied a

  • lot. I was physically and verbally abused. Verbal abuse

  • was name calling, making fun and teasing. People called me gay a

  • lot, which I knew I wasn't gay when I was living as a male,

  • because deep down I knew the problem was I was a female.

  • I acted feminine, and had mannerisms that were feminine

  • many times, so that is why people thought I was gay.

  • Regarding physical abuse, I was slammed around and hit, cornered

  • in the bathroom and threatened to have my pants pulled down. As

  • someone struggling with their gender identity, this made it

  • extremely difficult. But on top of that, I was choked at one

  • point up against the lockers. There was one incident where we

  • were outside, and there was a group of kids that were calling

  • me over, two or three were from my class. I knew something was

  • suspicious about it, but for some reason, I went over anyway.

  • I kept saying, "What," to the kid that was calling me. And,

  • they almost seemed to circle me. I knew immediately what was

  • about to happen, and sure enough, one kid pulled my pants

  • down from behind. I didn't feel anything after that. I pulled

  • them back up and walked away. Someone saw it and told the

  • teacher, not that I was going to or anything. I was not ashamed

  • or embarrassed. I felt nothing and it was quite a weird feeling

  • to not feel anything after someone just did that to you,

  • outside, in front of who knows how many people.

  • I started to get so angry at everyone. I hated them all for

  • what they did to me. I wanted to kill myself to get away from all

  • this. I thought about it all the time. Additionally, and this is

  • very difficult to admit, but each and every day I fantasized

  • about murdering every last one of those people. I thought about

  • how I would go about it, what I would do to end all their lives.

  • It wasn't just a fantasy, I planned how I was going to do

  • it, and I was going to do it one day. It got to the point where

  • I was talking in some weird code that I only understood to

  • someone over the phone, who had it on speaker so their mother

  • could hear, and I knew this, but continued my weird talk. How I

  • was talking, it certainly seemed like I was contemplating murder.

  • This person's mother spoke to my grandmother about her concern

  • and she asked if I was planning on killing someone. My

  • grandmother thought this, so I knew it was serious. But, that's

  • not all. It was so severe that one day when I was away, my

  • family went into my room and looked through all my belongings

  • to see if they could find anything. This was yet another

  • confirmation that I should never trust anyone. If I can't even

  • trust my family, who could I trust? I hated that school and

  • the people in it. There was a graduation and I refused to go.

  • The class was small, under 15 kids, so it wouldn't have been

  • hard for people to tell that I wasn't there. But, my family was

  • upset that I refused to go. My mother came by my grandmother's

  • house where I was to find me and make me go to the graduation.

  • I remember hiding in the closet, crying, wishing she would go

  • away, wishing it would all end. I had the feeling she would find

  • me, and sure enough she opened the closet door and found me.

  • I remember I was dragged out of the house, but I refused to go

  • and fought as hard as I could. I was grabbing the hand railing

  • outside and gripping it like my life depended on it because

  • I just couldn't go back to that school. She gave up, but was so

  • angry that I didn't go to the graduation. But none of them

  • understood how traumatizing my years were there.

  • Before entering high school, I had all intention of killing

  • myself. I thought it would be much worse than middle school,

  • but it surprisingly wasn't. The high school was a vocational

  • school and I got into technical drafting. It wasn't my first

  • choice, but it was quite fun. We pretty much did architectural

  • drafts of houses and used AutoCAD software. We had this

  • awesome 3D printer that could print actual physical models of

  • things created in the software. I was the only one who knew how

  • to work it for quite some time. Though, I still never fit into

  • any group. The group of friends I seemed to have, I didn't

  • really feel like I belonged. I still felt like an outcast,

  • unable to relate to anyone. I was still made fun of, people

  • called me gay, loser, nerd. I practically wore the same set of

  • clothes. I had an all grey, blue, and black outfit. I always

  • wore long pants, even in summer to cover up my legs. My clothing

  • was plain and boring and I didn't want to bring any

  • intention to myself. People would make fun of me for this.

  • Saying I was poor and couldn't afford clothes, making fun of

  • practically anything else they could. I remember one remark

  • when I wore all black, someone said, "Is this your Goth day?

  • Are you going to go cry in the corner and cut yourself?" When

  • it was time for PE class, we were supposed to get changed,

  • but I never did. The first year I never entered the changing

  • rooms. The second year I did but only to store my bag, and to

  • make the teacher think I changed. But, was quick about

  • getting out because I was suspicious something bad was

  • going to happen. I still never used the bathroom all day. At

  • that point, I was terrified of going in there. I felt awkward

  • being in the male's bathroom, but I also had the suspicion

  • that something bad was going to happen to me in there.

  • Additionally, high school was the time I stopped eating at

  • school. I was so shy that I didn't want people to even see

  • me eat food. People would make fun of me for this too. They

  • would say things like I was anorexic. I was very thin, and

  • did have fear of gaining weight, even though I was, and still am,

  • underweight. Though, it wasn't about that, it was because I

  • didn't want people to watch me consume food. Though, when we

  • had a class party, I would eat a little. And, after you build up

  • a reputation of not eating for so long, people find it weird to

  • see you eating. Some people would say, "Oh, you're finally

  • eating. I thought you were some creature that never ate." Stuff

  • like that which was very stupid and embarrassing. People thought

  • I did drugs because of how my eyes were. I don't know what

  • they were talking about but apparently my eyes had a lot of

  • erratic movement and were always dilated and I was blinking

  • a lot. I clearly remember a girl telling me that she was feeling

  • depressed. She asked me if I ever got depressed, and I

  • answered, "No, I don't ever get depressed." This was not a lie

  • either because I truly did not feel depressed. I was never

  • happy, never depressed, I don't know what I felt, I was

  • apathetic, unable to experience any emotion. But at that time,

  • I was not even aware of this. There was one kid that I will

  • talk a little bit about now. One really dumb thing I remember him

  • saying was, "This is high school. You're supposed to lose

  • your virginity in high school." And I'm just thinking, "Oh my

  • gosh, are you serious? Do you seriously think like that?"

  • He then tried to hook me up with these girls, and it was very

  • embarrassing. But of course no one was ever interested, and

  • I wasn't interested either. I didn't love myself, so how could

  • I possibly expect someone else to love me. I had never been in

  • a relationship up to that point, and still remain to be

  • completely inexperienced in relationships. I've never been

  • in a relationship, and people find this hard to believe. This

  • individual would constantly unplug my computer. As it would

  • load, unplug. Working on a project, unplug. He would spit

  • on my mouse and keyboard so I couldn't use it. Very annoying

  • and I would get pissed and he wanted to see me angry. I

  • remember him taking photographs of me. I believe there was

  • several he printed out or used in some kind of way that was

  • demeaning. When I would see him with his camera, I ran over

  • there and snatched it out of his hand and threw it across the

  • room. This has been a very big trigger for me, even today. When

  • people unexpectedly take photographs of me, I want to

  • break their device. I've even deleted all photos off someone's

  • camera before because they got one of me. Anyway, another

  • stupid thing he did which is amusing looking back on it now

  • actually, was there was this large fan in the room and he had

  • it blowing towards me, and that by itself was getting me angry.

  • But, he had a bottle of cinnamon that he would sprinkle in the

  • back of the fan so it would blow on me. And he would keep asking

  • me, "Oh, do you feel that?!" Or would just get it on me when

  • walking in the hallway. And I got pissed and grabbed it and

  • threw it in the trash. Somehow he discovered my password to log

  • into my computer and gave it out to people. He logged in and put

  • a whole bunch of documents of random things and inappropriate,

  • pornographic pictures on my hard drive. But, one time when I was

  • logging in, he apparently changed my wallpaper to some

  • nerdy girl or something and I immediately turned my monitor

  • off because it was so embarrassing and I hoped no one

  • saw it. Sometime later, I manage to hack into the computer, since

  • I was able to figure out how to make any account an

  • administrator account. So, I did this to my account and was able

  • to change my password so he could not log in anymore. The

  • next day he said something like, "What happened to your account?

  • I cannot log on as you anymore." Such as smart remark. Now, the

  • worst of what he did. He made a MySpace profile of me. I didn't

  • want one at all. I hated MySpace and everyone talking about it.

  • He kept threatening that he would do it one day, and one day

  • he finally did. He started to add people from my classes that

  • obviously knew me. And, I overheard someone saying to

  • someone else that I had a MySpace profile. I luckily

  • managed to find this profile and looked over it and was

  • devastated. I don't remember what it said about me, but I

  • know I was listed as gay, bi, or confused, or something of that

  • nature. It was all wrong and so embarrassing. I just began

  • crying uncontrollably and was so upset. I took it upon myself to

  • contact MySpace and wrote a very nice email saying that someone

  • made a fake profile of me. And, within 24 hours they responded

  • and deleted the profile. I was so relieved. I remember that kid

  • saying something like, "Did you hack your MySpace page and

  • delete it?" I denied being involved in the deletion of that

  • profile. Because I didn't want him to know it was me, because

  • I knew he would do something much worse.

  • I was the person that so many people thought would bring a gun

  • to school and kill everyone. As they were abusing me, they would

  • say some smart remark like, "I didn't do it as bad as he did so

  • you should spare my life when you shoot up the school." That's

  • not something you joke about. I kept saying that I would never

  • hurt anyone, that I would never do that sort of thing. But there

  • was a side of me that was very angry, who hated not only

  • myself, but everyone else. I did want to kill them all, just like

  • the feeling I had in middle school. Though, what was

  • different was that I was no longer going to do it directly.

  • Meaning, if I were to kill them, it would be a secret and no one

  • would know. I looked into dark magic, the occult, voodoo.

  • I think I seriously considered using these tools to harm them

  • and even attempted it to some degree. Though, I then stopped

  • and decided against it, and instead used similar tools to

  • bring about good in my life. This was the time in my life

  • where I got interested in a lot of supernatural things and

  • others made fun of me for this too. Thinking I was weird and

  • crazy for what I believed in. This was the time my delusional

  • thinking got severe. I'll start with the least most bizarre one.

  • I thought I had psychic powers. I actually wrote a paper for

  • class about psychic powers and which ones I possessed. I said

  • I could do these things and was working on doing them. Let me

  • tell ya how scared the teacher was after that. She use to go

  • right up to my desk to give me back papers, but after this

  • paper was turned in, she literally leaned over the person

  • in front of me to give me back my paper, and didn't really say

  • much of anything after that. I knew she was scared of me for

  • what she read. Another thought, well, we were on computers in

  • one class. They were in rows and I was in the middle row, and

  • there were computers behind me, next to me, and in front of me.

  • I was surrounded by computers. Each and every year, over the

  • course of the year, very slowly, each computer would start acting

  • weird. It started with mine, then the ones next to me, then

  • the ones further away. It was a radius that grew slowly over the

  • school year. And this happened each year too. This was very

  • weird. I began to think I had some electromagnetic force that

  • was causing this. There was something special about me that

  • was causing it. Lastly, and this is the most severe one, I had a

  • Messiah complex. I didn't think I was God, I knew there was a

  • higher power, but I believed I was perhaps chosen by God to

  • bring about good things and save the universe from destruction. I

  • knew there was something special about me. Something I must do in

  • order to save the universe. Not just Earth, the entire universe.

  • I truly thought, 100%, that the day supposedly when the Earth

  • would end, December 21st, 2012, that it had significant meaning

  • for me. I wrote a paper about that day, addressing the theory

  • of the end of the Earth. I remember saying that if it was

  • the end of the Earth and millions of people died, that it

  • would be for the best, to rid the world of evil. Immediately

  • people were like, "Whoa!" I didn't believe the Earth would

  • end that day, rather I thought it was the day that my physical

  • body would converge with the spiritual world and I would

  • become immortal, making me able to save the universe. This was

  • all a very serious thought in my mind, and I was dedicated to

  • living and fulfilling that purpose. I never said this to

  • anyone back then because I knew they would try and take that

  • power away from me, stopping me from fulfilling my destiny. I

  • know if this delusion continued to grow, and it came time for me

  • to sacrifice myself to fulfill my destiny, then I would've died

  • because of this delusion that I had. I also had these psychotic

  • or dissociative episodes in class. Things changed so much,

  • I was not myself, talking to things that were not there,

  • using a fake telephone to communicate. I came into class

  • one time and moved my desk to the side, stumbling around. So

  • many people thought I was high on something. They were laughing

  • at my behavior, but I wasn't in any fear of judgment. I was

  • talking to people freely, no shyness or resistance. Then when

  • I would snap out of it I was like, "What is going on here?" I

  • honestly felt out of place, out of reality, then all of a sudden

  • just came back to reality. Some people told me what I did, and

  • I denied it. I may not have known about it, or was just

  • embarrassed to admit what I did.

  • When high school was nearing its end, it was senior year and

  • since it was a vocational school, learning a specific

  • trade, the school encourages its students to have a job senior

  • year. How it worked, for our class at least, the morning

  • classes were normal, while the afternoon we had our trade. And,

  • we were to look for jobs that would take over that class

  • period. So after lunch, the students would leave class and

  • go to their job. I was the only one without a job. I didn't have

  • a car to get there first of all, but also, I don't believe in

  • working for someone else. I rather do my own thing. So,

  • I was alone in the class and there was nothing to do. So, the

  • teacher recommended something to do during that time period and

  • I did it. So, what I did senior year in the afternoon was help

  • special education students that went to the school. I saw the

  • same ones certain days, and it ranged from 9th to 12th graders.

  • It was a lot of fun working with them. When it was graduation

  • day, I did go, even though I was sick and almost unable to. That

  • was the only event I went to. I never went to any homecoming or

  • prom, didn't do any of that, or any other event from that

  • school. But, I was finally done with the school and was so glad

  • to be out of there. I didn't have any plans on going to

  • college, mainly because I wanted isolation.

  • I hated being around people and was finally glad

  • it was over. Though my family had different plans.

  • They made me go to college. I had to take an entry

  • exam, but I intentionally failed it so I wouldn't place. They

  • were shocked I got the lowest class selection. I went to some

  • classes a few time, but ended up stop going after a few weeks

  • because it was so painfully difficult being around people.

  • My family never even knew for quite some time, and they were

  • extremely disappointed when they found out I dropped out in the

  • first month. They kept setting rules for me to either go to

  • college or get a job. Neither of which I was doing. I did my own

  • thing, and was self-employed. I am self-taught with most of the

  • skills I have today. I designed my own website, started a small

  • business in a sense, or what was going to be a small business but

  • is just an online website. I even entered a competition with

  • the state I live in and won the most innovative award for this

  • business website. After that, I stopped associating with people

  • altogether, and my gender identity issues started creeping

  • back up on me. I knew I had to transition because I became so

  • depressed again. It was a very difficult time in my life up to

  • that point, but once I finally began to transition,

  • so much changed in my life.

  • Thinking back on all that now, none of it seems real. It almost

  • all seems like a dream, or like it didn't happen to me. But in

  • the end it did, and there is no amount of thinking, wishing, or

  • dissociating, that will change my past. No childhood is better

  • than the one I do have, and my teen years were the darkest time

  • in my life I remember. It is what it is. There is also a lot

  • that I am not willing to share, but I'm sure there is a lot more

  • that I am forgetting since it was a very difficult time that

  • I blocked most of it out. I feel like my family is hiding things

  • from me that would definitely explain a lot. I am more

  • comfortable with telling complete strangers my most

  • personal details because who cares if they judge me if I will

  • never know them personally. My family on the other hand,

  • I don't feel I can really share anything with. They currently

  • don't know about these videos that I do, or even 75% of what

  • happened to me and how I think. I'll keep it a secret. I still

  • struggle with many issues today. The paranoia and delusions are

  • not as severe as they were back then, but are different now.

  • I still have delusions of grandeur, thinking I am special

  • in some way, perhaps not human, and people want to take away

  • what I possess. Though I have learned that everyone is equal,

  • including myself. It's just difficult when dealing with a

  • disorder that makes one think they are greater than they

  • really are. It makes me sound narcissistic, which is not how

  • I like to be portrayed. It also sets me up for disappointment

  • when I realize my thinking is flawed. I feel like most of the

  • time I wear a mask to cover up the real me. Who I really am is

  • so vulnerable and traumatized. I feel the core of my being lies

  • deep in a corner of my mind. So, I put on a mask and be someone

  • who is not vulnerable and traumatized, so I can go about

  • my life and not feel so miserable. But in the end, it

  • doesn't matter how much I cover it up or deny, my past will

  • never change. It is still painfully difficult to interact

  • with other people. I try to avoid it at all costs. I never

  • let any get close to me. Though, there was one person that I let

  • get very close to me. I called this person my best friend,

  • which is something I've never had before. I felt like I could

  • share anything, without fear of judgment. I had never felt that

  • way about anyone else before. But, one day, the communication

  • stopped and excuses were made. I was so devastated that someone

  • that close to me, closer than I let anyone else in my entire

  • life get to me, would do that. I felt so betrayed and stupid for

  • ever letting that individual get that close to me. That

  • experience has confirmed even more so that I should never let

  • anyone get close to me. If that one person that I finally felt a

  • true connection with, that I trusted, that I let get closer

  • to me than anyone else had, betrayed me, then who can

  • I trust? Why should I bother trusting anyone ever again if

  • I know they will do the same as this individual? I'm not putting

  • myself at risk like that. I prefer to be alone then lied to,

  • deceived, and heartbroken. To be completely honest, these videos

  • and the communication with you all are the only things I look

  • forward to in my life. I don't do anything else. I am at home

  • 95% of the time, and usually only go out to doctors

  • appointments and therapy. If it weren't for that, I would

  • probably be at home for months at a time. I've been like this

  • practically since I graduated from high school. So it's been

  • about five years now. It's not like I really have much of any

  • friends to go out with, because I really don't have many

  • friends. Actually, I only have one friend, and we talk

  • occasionally. But other than that, that's all I have. My

  • family, to be completely honest, I want to move away from and

  • never see them again. I don't know why, but I do. I guess I

  • want to live all by myself, with no communication with anyone.

  • But, then I think my life would take a very dark turn. But, if

  • that's how things will be, then oh well. There are many

  • underlying reasons why someone would change their sex. One

  • theory has to do with hormone levels in the womb. The body and

  • brain develop independently. So, a male body could have a female

  • brain. But in the end, whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.

  • All that matters is the happiness of the individual

  • after transitioning. Perhaps the reason I wanted to be a female

  • when I was born a male was to dissociate from the trauma and

  • abuse that had been done to me. Developing a new person, both

  • physically and mentally. New personality. Change my body to

  • rid myself of any physical abuse. Change my mind to rid

  • myself of any emotional abuse and abandonment. And, change my

  • genitals to rid myself of any sexual abuse. Creating a new

  • person that is free from trauma, to start a new life. Someone

  • that is happier and able to do the things that the male

  • identity could've never done. This was all very successful,

  • but there is no escaping my past and still much to be worked on

  • if I plan on having a future. I thank anyone who has

  • watched this entire video. Thank you so much!

Hi everyone! This video is going to be about my past, such as my

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A2 初級

PTSDを持つトランスジェンダー統合失調症者としての私の幼少期と10代の日々 (My Childhood & Teenage Years as a Transgender Schizophrenic with PTSD)

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    Pedroli Li に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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