- Oh, I see it. Mm-mhm.

- Uh, what's up?

- Imagine all these toys are pieces of sushi.

And Pete is a beautiful naked...woman.

- And why am I doing this?

- Must everything have a reason?

- We're just killing time.

We can't go home until the place clears out, so...

- [screams]

I know you're really a human!

- So are you, you turd,

but no one's trying to rip your head off.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

- Ugh. I thought you'd be cooler.

Put the head back on.

- Hey, little bud, is your mom or dad here?

- Or your parole officer?

- I'm flying solo. My mom dropped me off.

- Not surprising.

Mom's probably in Planned Parenthood,

trying to get a refund. - Ian!

Look, you're our last customer,

and we're hoping to go home early,

but we can't until you leave.

Do you, uh, wanna give your momma a call?

- Not until Pork E. dances for me.

Dance, rodent, dance!

- Ian, just dance so we can go home.

- [sighs]

[humming silly song] Pork E. Pine.

There. Now call your stupid mom.

[cell phone dialing]

- Why is my mom's number in your phone?

- Nesha Patel?

Oh, we went to high school with her, remember, Ian?

- Of course I remember her. She was my first--

- First what?

- My...first...lab partner in biology class.

- Wait, she was my first... lab partner too.

- You never told me you...partnered with Nesha.

- Oh, yeah, we did lots of ex...periments while listening

to the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" soundtrack.

- We're talking about sex, right?

- We really got to work on our metaphors.

- Ugh. You guys both had sex with my mom?

- Not at the same time.

- Yeah, and that was like ten years ago.

- So...nine months before I was born.

Can we figure this out,

or should I just call Maury Povich right now?

[playful music]

- [man singing] This is America

Land of dreams

Everyone can climb higher

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

- [man singing] You can do anything

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

With full-time dreams

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

Bad as it seems

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Whoa

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

- I hope to God I'm not his dad.

- I'm hungry. - I hope so too.

For the kid's sake, I think we can all agree,

I would make a better dad.

- What? No, I would make a great dad.

I always carry candy. Point Ian.

- I hate candy. - He hates candy?

God, our kid sucks.

- And I don't care. See? I'll always love our son,

no matter how much he disappoints me.

Point Anton.

- Oh, you wanna have a dad-off?

You got it. Best dad wins.

- You're on.

- Uh, guys, can I come?

- Do we have to untie him?

- I guess so.

[playful music]

- This is ridiculous. One of us should go home.

all: Dibs!

- Historically, it's the eldest who gets to go home first

when things get slow. - So that would always be you.

- I cleaned up three vomits today.

Three separate vomits. I deserve to go home.

- Well, I set a fracture. I had my hand on a kid's bone.

- [chuckles]

- What? It was really hard.

[all snicker]

- Guys, I almost blew it.

[all snicker louder]

You guys are so immature. I'm going home.

- No! We'll handle this in the matter

of a family entertainment restaurant forefathers.

[imitates fanfare]

Ball pit scavenger hunt!

[all yelling]

- Look, I know we got off to a rough start,

but I promise you I got a lot of good qualities

for being a dad, okay?

I got charisma. [groaning] I got athleticism.

Self awareness of all the things I'm good at.

- The next thing you say better involve fun,

because I'm not cleaning.

- Who said anything about cleaning?

- We're not? - No, we're playing...

super...suicide skee ball.

- I'm intrigued.

- Okay, guys, listen up.

This morning Anton dropped his wallet in the bathroom.

First person to find it gets to go home.

And, bonus,

there's an Old Navy gift card inside.

- Ooh.

- Well, what? Begin!

[playful music]

- One... - This is awesome!

- ...two...

- Ian, I think you got enough time with--

- ...three!

- [gasps]

I've got you, baby boy. You almost killed him.

- He's fine, quit being such a helicopter parent.

- You actually think you're a better father than me?

- Darth Vader's a better father than you.

- Daddy is here now, Chadwick.

- That's not my name, you tool bag.

- Tool bag?

That's what your mother used to call me.

It must be in the DNA.

all: Found it!

- Ew!

- Ooh, dirty diaper! - IV bag?

- Wait, where's Pete?

- Pete, come on out.

- He can't stay under for too long, he gets panic attacks.

Guys, the hunt is off until we can find Pete.

- But...Old Navy.

- Guys, focus. We leave no man behind.

- [sighs]

- Chad, I'm gonna prove I'm a better dad

than some other dads I could name,

because I actually care about safety.

- Can you breathe? - [moans]

- So you think a little bubble wrap is gonna keep

my child protected?

- Yes, I do. - Prove it, then.

- You're on.

[upbeat rock music]

- [muffled scream] - Catch!

- Shoot! (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!)

- [grunts]

Go! Go!

- [screams]

[screams]

- You think it worked? - Yeah.

- Good job.

[both grunting]

- Aw, Chaddy, are you okay? - Are you okay, son?

- Tell you what, whatever you wanna do, we'll do that.

How about some cake?

- Or some pizza.

- Or some cake on pizza.

I bet your mom doesn't let you do that.

It could be our special little father-son thing.

You know? - Ugh.

I can't believe you psychos get paid to be around kids.

But, yes, I will take the cake and pizza.

- Aw, he loves us. - Aw!

- Oh! - Come here, Ch--okay.

- Come here, Chadwick. - He's shy.

- I'm gonna get you, Chadwick.

[playful music]

- I found Pete!

Oh, it felt so much like his upper thigh.

Something's feeling up my knees.

- [singing] Hello - It's a terror.

- [singing] Hello - [singing] Hello

[all singing] Hello

- It's a full barbershop quartet.

- Guys, focus!

Did you see a guy named Pete down there?

Really cute, looks like he'd be the treasurer of the Math Club?

- [all singing] We've not had a peek at Pete,

the Math geek

- [singing] Is it me you seek?

- Pete! - What's up, guys?

What are you still doing in here?

I found this wallet hours ago.

- You're safe. Thank God!

- [all singing] Thank God her true love's back

She almost had a heart attack

- No. True love? [laughs]

- [all singing] She is in denial

But she's got lots of guile

- Can you guys stop singing now?

- [all singing] Sure, and we totally believe

You are not in love with Pete

- Wait, what?

- Nothing. Stop singing!

- [all singing] Even though you're drooling over him

Like a white chocolate cover treat

- No!

- Nice pants, Pete. - Thanks.

- I'm sorry we got so competitive, Chad.

- Yeah, thanks for giving us another chance.

- How about you guys let me come here free of charge

any time I want?

- Of course, you're family. - Yeah.

- Thank you so much for taking care of him.

Was he a lot of trouble? - No, not at all, Nesha.

We taught him a whole about safety.

- Wait, how do you know my name? - You don't remember us?

Anton and Ian, from high school?

"Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants"?

- Oh. Ew!

- Listen, we know that one of us is the father.

- Yeah, so we decided we'll

just have joint custody over him.

- Yeah, you don't even have to tell us

which one of us is his real dad.

We love him like he's our own.

- One, gross,

and, two, neither of you are his dad.

Chad's father is waiting in the car.

- You lied to us?

- Yeah, I was just hoping to get some free games

and pizza out of it, but messing with you dorks

was way more fun.

- Young man, you are grounded.

- You can't ground my son. Come on, Chad.

By the way, you can't get pregnant from kissing.

- Yeah, I knew that.

You knew that, right.

- Yeah. Everyone knows that.

[playful music]