- Are you sure this is gonna work?

- Trust me.

Whip cream plus spray cheese

equals cream cheese.

- All right.

[loud bang]

- Mads, are you okay?

- I failed.

- To look in the mirror? - [chuckles]

- My nursing school application.

I can't ever be a nurse.

- But you studied for like a year.

How's that possible?

- I flunked the personality test.

both: Ohh.

- Give me that! - Hey.

- I haven't had sugar in 10 years and you know what?

I'm done trying to be good.

- Wow.

- [sighs] - Well?

- Mama's got a sweet tooth.

- Aah! - Show me your stash.

[playful music]

- [man singing] This is America

Land of dreams

Everyone can climb higher

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

- [man singing] You can do anything

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

With full-time dreams

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

Bad as it seems

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Whoa

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

- And...

got ya. [laughs]

I'll see you next week.

Oh! - So, my mom was reading me

the comics-- normal Tuesday tradish,

and look who's beady eyes were staring at me

from the crime section.

[dramatic tones] - [groans]

- Pete Petronavitch, 18-year-old male was arrested

for feeding ducks in Maple Park after hours.

This is the third strike for Mr. Petronavitch.

- It's not my fault. Those ducklings imprinted on me.

Please don't tell anyone.

I don't want to be treated like criminal Pete.

It's hard enough being treated like Pete Pete.

- Lucky for you I spent some time in the slammer.

- Uh, you said it was for like an hour.

- Yeah, which is an hour longer than you,

so obviously, that makes me the expert.

So allow me to be your tour guide

to the dark side.

[clangs twice]

- Oh, a secret door?

Wow, Ian, this is so--

[jazz music] Oh, my God.

Welcome to Club DuLocker.

It's a working title.

- Mads, consider us your sugar sherpas.

- The shamans of the sweet.

- As the Spaniards say, azúcares espirituales.

- Basically, we're gonna guide you through your first

sugar high in a decade. - Sweet.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

You got to start right, little sister.

- Too fast, you'll have a bad trip.

Too slow, you'll never leave the airport.

- Yeah, you got to start with something raw

and pure.

- Hold your nose and let the sugar drip down your throat.

Don't force it. - [gags]

- Now slam these gummy sours.

- Now chew. Chew! Chew! Chew! Chew!

- Knock this back...

and get ready for the ride of your life.

- [gulping]

Oh, yeah!

- Remember that rush? First one's always the best.

- How could I forget it?

- I want to do something super crazy!

Let's go wild! - Yes!

- We're with ya! - Let's...

put sugar in the salt shaker.

- Eh, think crazier. - Salt in the sugar jar?

- Not there yet. - Here, you need to take a bump.

- I got it, let's go next door and run through the carwash.

- Yeah. - Naked!

[laughs]

- Uh, I'm not gonna be doing that.

- Zero chance. - Yeah.

- Here we are, Pete, bartender's bound to be

around here somewhere.

- Shirley Temple...

extra Shirley.

- I feel like James Bond.

- James Bond is a mama's boy.

He went to club DuLocker.

We're hardcore.

- Drink up.

- [coughs]

[games beeping, whirring]

- The carwash was awesome, you guys.

The brushes left some lacerations,

but no pain, no gain.

Am I right?

Where is it?

- Where is what?

- The sugar. I need more...

now. - There isn't anymore.

- What? - [whimpers]

- Come on, man. I just need a little more.

Just a teensy bit. - [grunting]

- I'll do anything.

- Mads, I'm sorry, we ate it all.

- [screams] No!

There's got to be more. There's got to be more.

There's got to be-- - Mads...

I think you've had enough. - [evil laugh]

- Come on. - [evil laughter]

- Garbage cake.

- And the downward spiral begins.

- [screams]

- [giggles] Fits like a glove.

- You think he's ready to hear the master plan?

- Ooh, I don't know if he's ready.

- I'm ready.

Come on, Ian, you said I was a criminal now.

- Okay, we're gonna rob a bank.

- What? - Ha-ha! Just kidding, man.

- Holy crap. - Yeah, we actually tried that,

but it was super hard. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, instead, we're gonna rob Pork. E. Pines.

- What?

Guys, I am not comfortable with this!

I mean, what would Anton think?

Or Lori? - That's the beauty of it,

they won't even notice.

- We're gonna rig all the videogames,

so that every third quarter,

comes directly to us.

- And how are you gonna do this?

- We're not. - You are.

First, you're gonna go down the street

and break into the construction site

and steal a jackhammer.

- Next, you'll drill a tunnel into the basement.

- Then, you'll knock down 10 holes in the support walls.

- Without Lori noticing. - And install a series

of tubes that connect to the quarter collectors of every game

and empty those quarters... - Into our bucket.

- Okay... - Also, you'll need to install

some kind of software

that'll reroute every third quarter into our bucket

so we aren't suspected.

We know you're good with computers,

because you wear glasses. - No!

I just have astigmatism.

- We'll worry about that later.

First, and most importantly,

you need to break into Lori's office

and steal the alarm codes.

- Because you'll be doing all the construction...

both: At night.

- And what are your guy's jobs?

- Oh, we already did our job.

- We got the bucket. - The rest is up to you.

- But-- - Pete!

You're not gonna be a success in the real world

with a criminal record,

but you still have a chance with us.

- [groans] Okay, I guess,

but I'm that good with a jackhammer,

but maybe I can get the codes from Lori's office?

- If you can't use a jackhammer,

you can always dig the tunnel with this spoon.

- [panting]

[spy music]

Damn. Uh...

Oh!

S-E-X-B-O-O-K.

Damn! [sighs]

[chuckles]

"Alarm code: 1111"

[cell phone rings]

Mom, I told you not to call me when I'm at work.

They dropped the charges?

I'm no longer a criminal?

[laughs]

- What are you doing in my office?

- Uh, masturbating. - Mm-hmm.

Give me the passcode.

Now say "Hi," to Ian and Ella for me.

(Will Work 4 Sugar) - Hey, you got some candy?

Any sugar? Chocolate bar?

- Sorry. - Get a life!

- [sighs]

- Mads?

Are you okay?

- Uh, I had kind of a rough day.

- Yeah, me, too.

I did this like weird dance

on the dark side for a while,

but, uh, you know, if you really believe in yourself,

you can come back from anything.

- Wow, Pete, you're so wise.

- I know, right? I read it on a Snapple cap.

[both chuckle]

Anyway, bye, Mads.

- Bye, Pete.

- She's relapsing! - Distract her.

I'll grab the cake. - No need, you guys.

I'm done with that. 10 days clean.

- That's great.

- Hey, I'm really sorry about nursing school,

I know how much that meant to you.

- Forget it. I'm over it now.

I found a new calling. - Heroin?

- No, I'm going to dentistry school.

[upbeat music]

- [sighs] Do you have any 4s?

- Uh, go fish.

- Are you sure he's coming back?

- Yeah, he hasn't been gone too long.

- It's been 10 days! - [groans]

All right, fine, let's start digging.

- Okay.

And we only have one spoon.

and I got the bucket, so...

[upbeat music]