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  • Hi!, my name is Bruce Muzik and whether or not you're in a relationship...

  • the next 15 minutes are going to be important for you... because you're about

  • to learn secrets that most smart people never learn...

  • about what it takes to make romantic relationships really work.

  • We'll take a look at why you have attracted your romantic partner...

  • and if you're single right now - why you have attracted the romantic partners you have in...

  • the past...

  • and it's not what you think it's gonna be. We are also going to take a look at the five

  • stages that your romantic relationship is going to need to go through...

  • if you want to create long-term connection, stability,

  • security and love. We are also going to look at which stage you are most likely to get stuck in...

  • ... and what to do if you do get stuck.

  • Finally, we are going to take a look at what to do once the...

  • blissful feelings of falling in love begin to fade as they so often do

  • in long-term romantic relationships so if you and I haven't met before

  • I'm bursts and I'm originally from South Africa County living in the Caribbean

  • hence the palm trees behind me and I'm really passionate about helping smart

  • people like new

  • bold unbreakable bonds with your arm into partner

  • and helping you experience all the joy the connection

  • intimacy and the freedom that a romantic relationship that works has to offer

  • without settling without compromising hand without losing yourself

  • in the process so mummy inside and let's get going

  • if you're anything like me then your relationship probably started out

  • as a series a magical moments with your heart pounding

  • and your spirits soaring and your stomach doing flip-flops just at the

  • thought of seeing him or her

  • right you felt so loved and you felt so wanted and appreciated and needed right

  • and you were joined at the hip and then one day

  • a terrible thing began to happen that feeling of falling in love

  • began to fade away and you start to realize just how different you were from

  • your partner

  • and perhaps how much of yourself it's sacrificed

  • in order to be in a relationship your partner and now the little things that

  • you used to love about your partner begin to

  • anoint you and before you know it your arguing about the dumbest things

  • and you vented what we call the power struggle stage

  • and what do we do when we into the pastoral stage well

  • in order to get on needs met an order to have the feeling of being in love

  • again we figure we better go about changing our partner

  • to be more like they used to be and to be more like us right

  • there's a sound familiar if you've ever tried to change anybody before

  • you've probably noticed that it never works so both you and your partner are

  • equally try to change each other during his power struggle stage

  • and before you know it the relationship that was once the safe haven love

  • now becomes this place that's for love uncertainty and we feel like you have to

  • walk on

  • eggshells around your partner and we you don't feel accepted

  • just for being the person that you are and when this happens we begin to feel

  • disconnected

  • and once we begin to feel disconnected we usually do one of two things:

  • we got to become needy and trying to reconnect with our partner

  • or we become shut down and need space and 10 withdrawal

  • there's any of the sound familiar am i close

  • well if you can relate to anything I just shared up a two things I want to

  • see sadu

  • one is your normal and it's not your fault

  • every relationship goes through this power struggle stage

  • when you leave the romance stage on the way for the stability

  • Yukon go around is only one way and next to it

  • and to there's hope paradoxically

  • in order to learn to love he to fall out of love

  • first and this is just an unnatural state you're going through and if you

  • educate yourself about how to get through the power struggle stage

  • on the other side is it deeper

  • more mature opportunity for romance intimacy

  • and connection that way beyond anything you could have experienced back here

  • in the Roman stage so how is it that we can go from

  • on one hand being head over heels in love with a partner to

  • on the other hand feeling like our partners causing us pain in the

  • relationship

  • one reason could be that relationships go through five predictable stages as

  • identified by doctor season Campbell in our study hundreds of couples

  • and the first stage is called the romance

  • stage when we fall in love

  • we fall in love with the single most incompatible person for us

  • in the universe the person most capable

  • of causing us the most pain and least capable of meeting of primary

  • human needs why it turns out that we human beings

  • are no different from anything else in nature where the growing

  • with dying of course nature wants us to grow

  • so nature makes us fall in love with the most incompatible person in the universe

  • the person most able and capable of make no worth

  • nightmares come true why

  • and because that person is going to be the most capable of pushing the buttons

  • and forcing us to grow and expand

  • and our lives so they're the perfect person to insure

  • our growth but if we knew this person with the most

  • incompatible person in the universe rest we would run as fast as possible for the

  • hills right

  • so nature drugs s

  • yep that's the only way we could possibly 411 most incompatible person in

  • the universe

  • your brain releases a series of chemicals like bill by let me in Osito

  • sand and dopamine

  • that have you fall in love so you can only see a partner

  • through rose tinted glasses you only focus the Roman stated how you and your

  • partner the same

  • and you ignore their differences you'll do anything to please your partner

  • and have them like you because you're high on drugs

  • if you weren't good run a mile right what happens

  • is that this drug induced high loss for anywhere between two months

  • and two years and probably never reach for the six-month

  • before it begins to wear off and when it begins to wear of you have what I like

  • to call

  • love hangover and you wake up in bed with the most

  • incompatible person in the universe you got

  • and the power struggle stage begins

  • and this is where the highest percentage a first marriage divorce is happen you

  • hear on the three

  • to four-year at the relationship mock

  • what ends up happening is that once your brain stops releasing the oxy toast and

  • the dopamine Liz beautiful drugs

  • you wake up when you realize just how much of yourself you sacrificed in order

  • to be in a relationship with this person

  • and now you want yourself back to you when we can you independence

  • and your autonomy so you enter into this kinda

  • tug-o-war this battle of wills with your partner

  • trying to be in a relationship and yet still be

  • independent and what happens is because most couples

  • ninety-nine percent of them I reckon are not educator around how to navigate

  • conflict

  • how to actually communicate how to deal with possible stage

  • they end up dealing with it in one of two dysfunctional waz

  • I the breakup or they survive the break up groups

  • usually happens with people who have been kinda see a real date as they are

  • on a run around in there are Roman state falling in love that feeling of being in

  • love in a drug induced high of being a drug addict

  • and I like to say the only difference between a drug addict and falling in

  • love is that

  • falling in love is legal and therefore I love this feeling of being high on love

  • and then day in the pink serial daters the minute they had the possible stage

  • they run away from their relationship

  • and find the next one the second way people deal with the pass from state

  • without actually moving beyond it

  • is to survive in that they usually resigned themselves to compromise

  • or sacrifice and they give up what they really want to know to be with a partner

  • of course them

  • relationship emotion he dies they die internally I've been there and done this

  • in the past two

  • and then their sex life dies as well and often does end up in infidelity or

  • at the partners is eventually growing apart and

  • the relationship breaking up in the end or the relationship surviving

  • a lifetime of pain when the power struggle happened to me in my

  • relationship

  • I was court completely off guard

  • we gone so quickly in a matter of months from being head over heels in love

  • to being in conflict and fighting with each other things we could have a

  • conversation that just felt connected

  • without it being blown out of proportion into an argument

  • I couldn't understand it because I've been a seminar leader who'd helped

  • thousands of people or on the will transform their lives

  • and yet I couldn't seem to accomplish the simple call ask

  • our game the woman that I love to respond to me in a way that

  • had us feel connected and in love with each other

  • and then something completely unexpected happened

  • she left me and she moved to another country

  • and I was shocked in court completely of God and I decided that

  • this woman was my soulmate and I was going to do whatever I could

  • to get her back so being the geek

  • that I am I went in I studied with successful couples who've gotten through

  • the power struggle stated done

  • to build a lifetime love love I started studying communication skills

  • I started studying conflict resolution and i came up

  • with an alternative to the first two options of breaking up

  • or just surviving and I like to call this taking the third option the option

  • that most couples don't even know about let alone