IT'S GIVEN US THE MOON LANDING , THE POLIO VACCINE, HEATED CAR

SEATS, YOU KNOW?

(APPLAUSE) MINE HAS SIX SETTINGS ON IT.

I KEEP IT DOWN TO TWO BECAUSE I LIKE TO COOK MY ASS LOW AND

SLOW.

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

BY THE TIME I GET HOME AT NIGHT, IT'S FALLING RIGHT OFF THE

BONES.

DON'T EVEN NEED A FORK.

FANTASTIC.

A POTATO, COUPLE OF CARROTS, AMAZING.

BOTTLE OF WINE, SET FOR THE WEEKEND.

BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, SCIENCE CAN BE A REAL BUZZKILL.

JUST ASK PLUTO, WHICH USED TO BE A PLANET, OR COCAINE, WHICH

USED TO BE A MEDICINE.

THE LATEST THING BEING RUINED BY SCIENCE?

SPIDERMAN.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU'RE MORE

UPSET THAN THAT.

LET ME TRY IT AGAIN.

IT'S SPIDERMAN!

(AUDIENCE REACTS) YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE

UPSET.

BECAUSE A NEW STUDY FROM CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY SAYS THAT

ACCORDING TO THEIR CALCULATIONS, SPIDERMAN SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO

CLIMB WALLS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) YEAH!

YEAH.

YEAH.

BOO!

BOO!

NOW, I'M NOT QUESTIONING THESE SCIENTISTS' CREDENTIALS -- I

THINK THEY'RE THE ONES WHO TRIED TO WARN US SPIDERMAN COULD NOT

BE A BROADWAY SHOW.

BUT...

WE DIDN'T LISTEN!

(APPLAUSE) BUT NO WALL-CLIMBING?

THAT'S ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS HE DOES!

WITHOUT THAT, HE JUST SHOOTS GOO AND IS RADIOACTIVELY GUILTY

ABOUT HIS UNCLE.

ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, THE LARGEST ANIMAL CAPABLE OF WALL

CLIMBING IS THE GECKO.

AND I'M NOT SURE IF KIRSTEN DUNST WANTS TO KISS ONE OF THOSE

UPSIDE DOWN.

I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF TONGUE.

ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

THEY CATCH FLIES WITH THEIR TONGUE, SEE.

BUT SCIENTISTS SAY THAT'S THE CASE SO OBVIOUSLY SPIDERMAN WILL

NEED A NEW THEME SONG.

♪ SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN, DOES SOME OF THE THINGS A SPIDER CAN

♪ CLIMBING WALLS, THAT'S IN DOUBT

♪ OTHER THINGS, JURY'S OUT ♪ ♪ OH WELL ♪

♪ SO MUCH FOR SPIDERMAN ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)