I mean, seriously, it used to be good enough to be a

good-looking guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian

hairline and IBS.

But in today's meat market, you need to be a good-looking

guy from Shaker Heights with a Victorian

hairline and IBS and money.

That's right, folks.

Gone are the days when the Dutch bought

Manhattan for a song.

I mean, today, what are you going to get for a song?

Unless, of course, you get on the radio, and then you have a

whole new set of problems because you've got to get a

publisher and, what is it, ASCAP, or is it BMI?

And then there's digital distribution, there's iTunes

and ring tones.

I mean, you've got to get a multi-platform roll out if you

even want to have a chance of making money in

the new media world.

God, who's got the time?

If I'm going to find the woman of my dreams, I have got to

get money, now.

MALE SPEAKER: David, you're a known entity in the

entertainment business.

You won't have any trouble making money.

COMPUTER: Congratulations, your auction has ended.

You've made $0.01.

MALE SPEAKER: I'm just saying, David, it's time for you to

stop living in the past.

I want to dip my balls in it.

Wait a second, I have an idea.

DAVID: OK, how do you like this?

I think this is good.

You like it?

FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah I like it.

DAVID: Yeah, I like it, too.

I really like it.

Yeah, I like it.

You like it.

Yeah.

Take it.

They just didn't get me.

You know?

I want to do something I love, something

I'm passionate about.

MALE SPEAKER: Masturbation.

DAVID: Well, look, I know I'm a little self-involved right

now, but you don't have to be mean about it.

MALE SPEAKER: No, that's it, David.

You have to stop listening to the wind and look in the lake.

The answer to your problems is right there.

DAVID: Hello?

Anybody home?

I'm here to spill my seed for cash.

Well, I guess nobody's here.

I'll just get ready to do my thing.

HEIDI: May I help you?

DAVID: Oh, hi.

I must have the wrong place.

I thought this was a sperm bank, but it's obviously a

modeling agency.

I'm here to cum in a cup.

HEIDI: I'd like you to cum in my cup.

DAVID: Idihe.

H-Heidi, Heidi, oh.

HEIDI: Shall I take you to the sperm collection room?

DAVID: Yes.

HEIDI: Ready?

DAVID: Yeah.

Oh, oh, g--

Oh, g--

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

DAVID: Oh.

HEIDI: Whoopsies.

DAVID: I'll be back tomorrow.

Hello?

HEIDI: May I help you?

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

DAVID: Oh.

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

DAVID: Oh, god, oh, oh!

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

HEIDI: [INAUDIBLE]

I don't think this is the best place.

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

DAVID: Concentrate.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

HEIDI: You can do it, David.

DAVID: Don't let go.

Don't let go.

Don't let go.

HEIDI: Hold it in, David.

Hold it in.

DAVID: Concentrate.

Concentration camp.

Bergen-Belsen, Auschwitz.

Concentrate.

[CHEERING]

HEIDI: Well?

DAVID: This is for the sperm bank.

HEIDI: Thank you.

DAVID: And this is for you.

HEIDI: Ugh.

FEMALE SPEAKER: What women care about is what's up here.

DAVID: Oh, brains.

FEMALE SPEAKER: No, I, I was pointing to your hairline.

You're balding, and it's completely sickening me.