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  • Oh hi babes! There is a sexual paradox in relationships that kind of frustrates me.

  • In the beginning there's the honeymoon phase, everything's wonderful and exciting and new...and

  • you want to have a ton of sex all the time. One or two years later though, you drift into

  • companionate love. Your lives are more intertwined, you're emotionally connected, you're secure,

  • you're comfortable. It's during this phase that people slowly start to have less sex,

  • and they might even find themselves becoming bored with it. I mean, you still love them

  • right? But you're just not quite as excited about it and people even find themselves thinking

  • about other people, what it would be like to sleep with someone new. It's natural because

  • repetition and familiarity are the exact opposite of what excites most people sexually. Novelty,

  • adventure, newness, mystery - this is where many people find their erotic kicks.

  • It’s completely normal to have less sex over time. I think we have a real problem

  • with pathologizing desire. If you're happy and your partner's happy then you don't have

  • anything to worry about. So, how does one go about getting that spice back?

  • The usual advice that’s shilled out is to spice things up in the bedroom. This is actually

  • scientifically backed. The reason we feel less excitement over time is because repetition

  • means less and less dopamine in the brain. This is something calledhedonic adaptation”.

  • You could try things like role play, introducing sex toys, talking about your fantasies, acting

  • out your fantasies, playing with sensations, playing with your food, tantra, that kind

  • of thing. But it's not just sexual stuff that can give you that same dopamine rush. People

  • get a rush out of all kinds of things. A beautiful view, a physically demanding activity, going

  • to a rock concert, traveling to a new place together. If you make a point to indulge in

  • things that are new and exciting and unexpected with your partner, it will help you associate

  • those feelings with them.

  • Another idea that I think is pretty effective is to break up the repetition of your relationship

  • with a little bit of distance and independence. Exist as a separate independent ass person!

  • Spending time apart is a good idea! Just enough to break the cycle. You know that old saying

  • "Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? I think that's always true! People really do

  • always want what they can't have.

  • Another idea is to try to see each other in new ways. Start a creative project together

  • or take a class together.

  • At this point in the video a guy on the trail come up to me to show me pictures of trains

  • and my camera slipped out of focus and I didn't catch it. Oopsie.

  • As I was saying.

  • Another way to do this is to embrace the moments where your partner is really entrenched in

  • something that they love. For instance, say your honey is a musician. Watching them play

  • for a crowd can be hot.

  • My last suggestion gets into some serious business. People love freedom. Freedom is

  • sexy. Feeling confined and stifled is not sexy. As your relationship progresses, you

  • may find it beneficial to talk about allowing each other more sexual freedom. The first

  • thing that usually comes to peoples' minds is swinging or threesomes, but that's really

  • just one end of the spectrum. I know a couple that allows each other to go out and dance

  • and flirt but no sex. It invigorates their sexual desire which they then bring back home

  • to each other. And yet another couple where anything goes so long as it's only 1 time,

  • and it doesn’t happen in their home. You can talk about what youre comfortable with

  • and what you need and go from there. I think that sometimes just knowing that you have

  • more freedom even without acting on it is enough to make you feel more reinvigorated

  • again. Of course, the viability of this option depends on how you and your partner think

  • about sex. Rethinking the sexual boundaries of a relationship can be a scary thing! It

  • requires an open mind, and trust and honesty and lots of communication and A LOT of emotional

  • maturity. And even with all those things, it’s still not for everyone! It can bring

  • up feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and so forth. It requires a little bit of extra

  • sensitivity and delicacy, I think.

  • OK so obviously, all of this assumes that you actually want to be in this relationship.

  • It’s possible to be bored in a relationship itself, and I think that's different than

  • just one aspect of the relationship (like sex).

  • So babes I hope some of these tips are useful in some way. Before I go, two things. One,

  • I'm going on tour, check out the tour dates below. Number two, shout out to Audible for

  • supporting sex ed on youtube! If you haven't heard of them, theyre the biggest audiobooks

  • hub out there. In preparation for this video, I listened Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.

  • Really interesting exploration of couples that are dealing with this problem....I don't

  • know if I fully agree with some of the things that she has to say but it's certainly something

  • to think about. Audible is great for these kinds of books because you can listen to it

  • with your partner - maybe while you're making dinner or while you're cuddling in bed. They

  • were also kind enough to hook all of you up with a free book so you can listen to it if

  • you're interested. It's at! That’s Since everyone

  • spells my name wrong. Sending you all healthy relationship vibes! I'll see you next time.

Oh hi babes! There is a sexual paradox in relationships that kind of frustrates me.


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    Andrew に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日