She just, you know, came up to me

And started talking to me about crack.

She's so pathetic.

Let me tell you something about janis ian.

We were best friends in middle school.

I know, right?

It's so embarrassing. I don't even--

Whatever.

So then in eighth grade,

I started going out with my first boyfriend,

Kyle, who was totally gorgeous, but then he moved to indiana.

And janis was, like, weirdly jealous of him.

Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with kyle,

She'd be like, "why didn't you call me back?"

And I'd be like, "why are you so obsessed with me?"

So then, for my birthday party,

Which was an all-girls pool party,

I was like, "janis, I can't invite you,

Because I think you're a lesbian."

I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party.

There are gonna be girls there in their bathing suits.

I mean, right? She was a lesbian.

So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her.

It was so retarded.

And then she dropped out of school

Because no one would talk to her.

When she came back in the fall for high school,

All of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird,

And now I guess she's on crack.

Oh, my god! I love your skirt.