She's a theatre critic for the New York Times.

-Evidently the reporters are just ugly whores.

-Well, I'd rather be an ugly whore than a stupid dummy.

-Wait.

-Let's all--

-Oh, yeah.

-One second.

Hold on, hold on.

Just a second.

-No, no!

-Just literally one second.

-What are you doing?

-Wait, wait, wait.

I'll be right back.

-Hurry up.

-Yeah, hurry.

-Ugh, the plastic.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Front desk.

-Yeah.

I need help opening a bar of soap, fast.

-I'll be right up, Ms. Snicklepickercocker.

-Actually, this is her friend, David Wain, but I need help.

Hurry!

Come on, come on!

[KNOCK]

-Just two seconds.

I will be right there.

Hi.

I can't open this.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Don't move.

Don't move.

-Hurry up.

-Yeah, hurry.

-OK.

You better be ready, 'cause I am about to come in there and

doing my thang.

It's a nighttime thang, as Arsenio might have said, when

that show was on the air.

OK.

One last--

Here I come.

Here I come.

OK.

That's it.

OK, Kelly and Arielle.

Here--

OK.

Stylin' and ready.

OK.

OK.

Ready or not, here I come.

Mr. Snicklepickercocker, how did the soap work out?

-All right.

If you want me to be completely

honest, the soap is great.

I mean, it's the kind of soap that I would

very likely buy again.

I mean, I have my brands that I'm loyal to, but I've been

known to switch, if, uh, you know, if the

justification is there.

But separately from the whole soap thing, if I'm being

completely honest, seeing you hook up with the two girls I

thought I was going to hook up with, that's just--

it sucks.

-I appreciate the honesty, but I think I speak for all three

of us when I ask you to get the hell out of here.

-Can you go out and get us some lube?

-Wait, so after all that, you actually bought them the lube?

-Well, I mean, yeah.

But the joke's on them, because I bought

them generic lube.

ZANDY (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

Aw, David.

I think it's sweet that a middle-aged Middle Eastern man

got to have sex.

CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Hey, and look it this way, Dave.

You'll find the right girl one of these days.

-Sometimes I just feel like my life is like a novel.

There's chapters and words, and eventually it

comes out on paperback.

-Hey, just don't look for it as a book on tape.

[ALL LAUGH]

-OK.

I wasn't expecting that.

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): What?

What?

[ALL LAUGH]

-Oh my god.

-It was-- that was very good.

-That is so wrong.

-Remember?

-When did you come up with that?

-From earlier.

-Just now?

-That is literally too much.

[ALL LAUGH]

-That is beyond beyond.

-Talk about the bullet hitting the target on that one.

Zing-o!

It was a bull's-eye and a half, if there's such a thing.

And I don't think there's such a thing.

-It's like, yo, yo, yo.

-Oh, man, it's hitting me right in the funny

bone on that one.

Ow!

Ow, I can't even feel my fingers.

GRIFFIN (OFFSCREEN): Are you all right?

-Yeah, no, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I didn't literally get hit in the funny bone.

Bu you hit me.

You hit me in the funny bone with that zinger and I'm--

I'm laughing because of that.

But just in case, I might see a neurologist.

-Oh.

-Even if it's just a 1% chance.

GRIFFIN (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY]

-Hey, we could laugh about that all day.

But I'll tell you something, that chickens souvlaki's not

gonna eat itself, David.

-Ken, uh, are you sure about that?

-No, I think you might want to revise that statement.

Probably deserves a slight redo.

-You know what, Dave?

I'm going to have to take you up on that offer to revise my

statement, because that chicken souvlaki is eating

itself,

[ALL LAUGH]

CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Hey.

He just got it, I think.

Right?

It takes a second.

Oh, hey, separately, how's the Fiat working out for you?

-You know, I wasn't even gonna get the Fiat, but when I saw

how it was really well-priced, I figured, why not?

-Oh, man, I could afford that.

-It's got great style and I like the car.

-Huh.

-I've always wanted an Italian car.

And the Fiat brand hasn't been in this country for many

years.

-That sounds great.

-You know, honestly, it sounds like somebody's paying you to

say that.

-I know.

But it's not-- it's not the case.

-You haven't received one dime for this?

-No.

I love driving it, and I love how makes me feel.

It's, honestly, I think maybe the best car ever made.