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>> Mark: AND WE LOVE IT.
THAT'S WHY A GUY CAN SIT
IN FRONT OF A TV AND GO--
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: [laughs maniacally]
IT GLOWS.
OF COURSE, THIS DRIVES
OUR WIVES NUTS,
BECAUSE THEY'LL COME UP
AND SAY, "STOP THAT!
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE WATCHING ANYTHING!"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "I'M NOT."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "GO AWAY."
NOW, THEY'VE ACTUALLY
MEASURED THIS.
THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA,
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
DID A STUDY AND DISCOVERED
THAT MEN HAVE THE ABILITY
TO THINK ABOUT
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,
AND STILL BREATHE.
YOU KNOW?
THEY CONNECTED ALL THE WIRES
AND STUFF LIKE THAT
AND WATCHED
THEIR BRAIN ACTIVITY.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN--
[imitates electricity buzzing]
"I THINK HE'S DEAD!"
"HUH?"
YOU KNOW?
WOMEN CAN'T DO IT.
THEY CAN'T DO IT.
THEIR MINDS NEVER STOP.
[imitates clicking]
AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE NOTHIN' BOX.
AND IT DRIVES 'EM CRAZY,
BECAUSE NOTHING
DRIVES A WOMAN MORE CRAZY
OR MAKES HER FEEL MORE IRRITATED
THAN TO WITNESS
A MAN DOING NOTHING!
>> [audience cheering]
>> Mark: NOW,
ONE OF THE BIGGEST REVELATIONS
I GET OUT OF WOMEN
IS THIS WHOLE NOTHING BOX ISSUE.
THEY-- "EVERYTHING'S
STARTING TO MAKE SENSE."
AND I'VE HAD WOMEN SAY,
"OH, IT'S NOTHING.
CAN I GO
IN HIS NOTHING BOX WITH HIM?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "NO!"
"WHY NOT?"
"BECAUSE THEN IT'S SOMETHING!
BESIDES, YOU'LL WALK
IN THERE AND GO...
'YOU KNOW,
THIS PLACE COULD REALLY USE
SOME PICTURES.
A NICE, LITTLE TABLE OVER HERE
AND SOME FLOWERS--'
NO! DUMMY!
GET OUT.
WE DON'T WANT NOTHING."
NOW, THIS HANDLES THE WAY
MEN AND WOMEN HANDLE STRESS.
OKAY?
WHEN A MAN IS STRESSED OUT,
ALL HE WANTS TO DO
IS RUN TO HIS NOTHING BOX.
THIS IS HOW WE UNWIND.
THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO
WHEN WE'RE STRESSED OUT
IS TALK ABOUT IT.
WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WE JUST WANT TO--
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: 'CAUSE IT
JUST DRIVES HER NUTS.
YOU KNOW?
A WOMAN'LL SEE A MAN
IN THAT VEGETATIVE STATE,
AND SHE'LL COME UP AND GO...
"WHATCHA THINKIN' ABOUT?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "NOTHIN'."
"WELL, YOU GOTTA BE THINKIN'
ABOUT SOMETHIN'!"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "NO, I WAS THINKIN'
ABOUT NOTHING.
IN FACT, I AS ON A ROLL
'TIL YOU SHOWED UP.
GO AWAY!" ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE THAT'S
HOW HE HANDLES STRESS.
HE JUST--
[imitates sighing]
NOW, WHEN A WOMAN
IS STRESSED OUT,
SHE HAS TO TALK ABOUT IT.
IF SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT,
HER BRAIN WILL
LITERALLY EXPLODE.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: SO SHE'LL START JUST--
"I DON'T KNOW.
MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THIS...
[muttering]
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS.
MY BROTHER OVER HERE SAID--
[mutters, screams]
AND I KNOW MEN WHO RUN
FROM THEIR WIVES
WHEN THEY DO THIS.
THEY DO.
I SAY, "WHY DO YOU RUN
FROM HER?"
HE SAYS, "'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL HER."
I SAID, "DEAR GOD, MAN,
WHO TOLD YOU
TO TELL HER ANYTHING?"
SHE'LL WANT YOU
TO TELL HER ANYTHING?
A LOT OF GUYS,
THEY FEEL OBLIGATED WHEN--
WHEN YOU START EXPLAINING
ALL YOUR STRESS,
THEY FEEL OBLIGATED TO FIX IT.
RIGHT?
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT A MAN DOES.
A MAN ONLY TELLS HIS TROUBLES
TO ANOTHER MAN,
IN HOPES THAT THAT MAN
WILL HELP FIX IT.
OKAY? BUT SHE'S NOT A MAN.
AND YOU TRY AND FIX HER,
SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR ADVICE.
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP.
SHE WANTS YOU TO SHUT UP
AND LISTEN.
AND A COUPLE OF LADIES:
"THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU TELL HIM!
TELL HIM TO SHUT UP."
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: [laughs]
THEY LIKE THAT.
NOW, I HAD ONE GUY TELL ME,
"MAN, IF SHE'D JUST TELL ME
HOW SHE FEELS."
I SAID,
"SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET."
SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"THAT'S HOW SHE FIGURES OUT
HOW SHE FEELS,
BY CONNECTING THIS WIRE
TO THAT WIRE,
THIS WIRE AND SO ON."
[imitates buzzing]
NOW, BECAUSE
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER,
THEY OFFER TO EACH OTHER
THEIR ANSWER.
THEIR SOLUTION.
A MAN SENSES
HIS WIFE IS STRESSED OUT.
HE LOVES THE GIRL.
HE OFFERS TO THE GIRL
HIS BEST AND FINEST SOLUTION.
"JUST QUIT TALKIN' ABOUT IT."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "JUST QUIT
THINKIN' ABOUT IT."
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: AND THAT'S
WHEN SHE STARTS REACHING
FOR THE KNIVES AND STUFF.
BUT SHE'S GONNA STAB YOU
IF YOU KEEP IT UP, OKAY?
NOW, A WOMAN, SHE SENSES
HER HUSBAND'S ALL STRESSED OUT.
SHE LOVES HIM.
THEREFORE, SHE OFFERS TO HIM
HER BEST AND FINEST SOLUTION.
"TALK TO ME!"
WHY WON'T YOU TALK
TO ME-E-E-E?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "GO AWAY."
HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE WILL NOT DIE.
HE'S NOT A WOMAN.
ALL RIGHT?
I KNOW,
YOU'VE GOTTA TALK IT THROUGH,
OR YOU'RE GONNA
BE TWISTED INSIDE.
HE'S NOT LIKE THAT.
LEAVE THE BOY ALONE.
YOU CAN TELL HE'S STRESSED OUT?
JUST LET HIM GO
TO HIS NOTHIN' BOX.
JUST STAY AWAY.
STAY AWAY. OKAY?
AND IT'S HARD FOR US
TO UNDERSTAND THAT,
BECAUSE WE THINK
SO DIFFERENTLY FROM EACH OTHER.
NOW, NOT ONLY DOES THIS AFFECT
THE WAY THAT
WE RESPOND TO STRESS AND STUFF;
THE WAY OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED
ALSO AFFECTS
THE WAY THAT WE USE WORDS.
OKAY?
MEN TEND TO USE
LESS WORDS THAN WOMEN.
THAT'S BECAUSE THE WOMEN HAVE
ALL THE WIRES
THEY'RE TRYING TO CONNECT,
AND THEY'RE TRYING TO EXPLAIN
EACH AND EVERY CONNECTION.
NOW, THEY SAY
THAT IF A MAN NEEDS TO SPEAK
10,000 WORDS IN A DAY,
A WOMAN NEEDS TO SPEAK 20,000.
MY WIFE SAYS,
"THAT'S BECAUSE
WE'VE GOTTA REPEAT
EVERYTHING WE SAY."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: TO WHICH
I RESPONDED, "HUH?"
[laughs]
WHERE IS MY DARLING REDHEAD?
IS SHE AROUND? COME UP.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
MY WIFE, DEBBIE.
COME ON UP HERE.
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: [laughs]
PEOPLE SAY,
"DOESN'T SHE TALK, TOO?"
NOPE. [laughs]
NOT TO YOU, ANYWAY.
SHE TALKS TO ME, BUT SHE WON'T--
SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU,
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.
THAT'S ALL.
WHERE'S MY TABLET?
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THE WHOLE WORDS THING.
UM, YOU KNOW,
THEY ACTUALLY MEASURED THIS.
THEY WENT IN,
AND STUDIED CHILDREN AND BABIES,
AND FOUND OUT--
THEY ACTUALLY WENT,
AND TOOK CAMERAS
AND PUT 'EM IN NURSERIES,
AND ANALYZED THE PICTURES LATER.
AND THEY NOTICED, THE PICTURES
OF THE LITTLE GIRLS:
RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO,
THEIR MOUTHS ARE JUST GOIN'.
JUST--
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
AND THEN THEY ANALYZED
THE PICTURES OF LITTLE BOYS.
THEY'RE JUST--
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: THEY'RE STILL THINKIN',
"WHAT WAS THAT?
I WANNA GO BACK.
I DON'T GET IT."
OKAY?
UM, THEN THEY WENT,
AND THEY RECORDED CONVERSATIONS
OF LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS
ON PLAYGROUNDS,
AND THEY WENT BACK
AND ANALYZED 'EM.
AND THEY DISCOVERED
THAT LITTLE GIRLS LOVE TO TALK.
THEY WERE VERY ARTICULATE,
LOVE TO USE FULL SENTENCES,
JUST LOVE TO TALK.
AND IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE
ANYBODY TO TALK TO,
THEY WERE PERFECTLY CONTENT
TO TALK TO NOBODY.
AND THEY WOULD JUST,
"LA, LA, LA, LA, LA."
JUST COMPLETE SENTENCES.
THEN THEY ANALYZED
THE CONVERSATIONS
OF THE LITTLE BOYS,
AND ONLY ABOUT 55% OF IT
WAS INTELLIGIBLE.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: THEY
COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THEY WERE SAYIN'.
YOU KNOW?
[imitates boys laughing]
[imitates barking]
YOU KNOW? JUST--
THAT'S CONVERSATION TO A MAN.
OKAY? NOW--
NOT ONLY DO WE USE
DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF WORDS;
WORDS CAN MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
TO MEN AND WOMEN.
FOR EXAMPLE...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: NOW, TO MOST MEN,
FIVE MINUTES MEANS FIVE MINUTES.
TO A LOT OF WOMEN,
IT CAN BE
AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME.
"ARE YOU READY YET?"
"FIVE MORE MINUTES!"
[sighs]
AS WE DISCUSSED,
MEN UNDERSTAND NOTHIN'.
WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF NOTHIN'.
IF A WOMAN SAYS,
"NOTHIN'," LOOK OUT.
IT'S SOMETHIN'.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "OH, DUDE, MAN.
DUDE, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."
"WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
I ASKED MY WIFE
WHAT SHE WAS UPSET ABOUT."
"WHAT'D SHE SAY?
WHAT'D SHE SAY?"
"SHE SAID, 'NOTHIN'."
"GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, MAN!
RUN NOW! GET OUT!"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: NOW,
THIS IS NOT A WORD.
IT'S A VOCALIZATION.
IT'S A SIGH. [sighs]
NOW, WHEN A MAN SIGHS,
IT MEANS,
"EVERYTHING IS GOOD WITH LIFE."
[sighs]
WHEN A WOMAN SIGHS, IT MEANS,
"YOU ARE AN IDIOT."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: [sighs]
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: NOW, WHEN A MAN SAYS,
"GO AHEAD," HE'S BEING POLITE.
WHEN A WOMAN SAYS, "GO AHEAD,"
SHE'S GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY
TO EXPLAIN WHATEVER STUPID THING
IT WAS YOU JUST DID.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: BUT YOU NEED
TO BE VERY CAREFUL
IN THE EXPLANATION,
BECAUSE IT'S VERY LIKELY
TO BE FOLLOWED BY A SIGH.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: WHICH WILL LEAD
TO AN ARGUMENT OVER NOTHIN'.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: AND THEN
YOU AIN'T GONNA HAVE SEX AGAIN
FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES.
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: MEN'S BRAINS;
WOMEN'S BRAINS.
JUST THE WAY THEY WORK.
YOU KNOW?
WOMEN'S BRAINS, THEY GOT--
WOMEN'S BRAINS COME
WITH LOTS OF EXTRA RAM.
SO THEY CAN REMEMBER
THE DETAILS OF EVERYTHING.
MEN'S BRAINS COME
WITH ONLY THE MINIMUM
BASIC REQUIREMENTS...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: ...TO KEEP US
BREATHING AND EATING.
OKAY? THAT'S WHY MEN--
A LOT OF MEN,
WE DON'T HANG ON
TO LOTS OF DETAILS.
THEY DON'T STICK TO US.
YOU KNOW?
WHEN AN EVENT HAPPENS,
WE JUST CATEGOR--
CATEGORIZE IT AS, "AN EVENT."
ALL RIGHT?
WHEREAS WOMEN,
IT'S NOT JUST THE EVENT.
IT'S ALL THE DETAILS
CONNECTED WITH AN EVENT.
YOU'LL RUN INTO THIS
WHEN A FRIEND OF YOUR FAMILY
OR SOMETHING WILL CALL,
AND SHE JUST HAD A BABY.
AND THEN YOU TELL YOUR WIFE,
"OH, SO-AND-SO'S CALLED.
THEY HAD THE BABY."
AND SHE'LL SAY,
"WELL, WHAT WAS IT?"
AND HE SAYS,
"WELL, IT WAS A BABY."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "WHAT KIND OF BABY?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S A BABY.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?"
"WELL, HOW LONG WAS IT?"
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW!"
"HOW LONG? HOW TALL?
YOU KNOW,
HOW MUCH DID IT WEIGH?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
UNDER 20 POUNDS."
YOU KNOW? JUST--
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: BUT THIS DETAIL,
DETAIL, DETAIL.
YOU NOW?
A WOMAN WILL COME UP
TO A GUY AND SAY,
"HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"
AND WE GO TO THE RAM,
AND ALL THAT'S THERE IS THAT,
IT WAS A DAY.
AND WE SAY, "IT WAS FINE."
AND SHE'LL SAY,
"WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?"
AND WE GO TO THE RAM,
AND THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
WE SAY-- AND WE PANIC.
AND WE GO, "NOTHIN'."
BUT WOMEN, THEY GOT ALL THIS--
[imitates machine clicking]
THAT'S WHY, WHEN A GUY
RETELLS A STORY,
IT'S USUALLY PRETTY MUCH
JUST A BOTTOM-LINE
KIND OF THING.
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"THIS HAPPENED.
THAT HAPPENED.
WE'RE DONE."
WHEN A LOT OF WOMEN SHARE
WHAT HAPPENED,
THEY RELIVE THE EVENT
IN EXCRUCIATINGLY
PAINFUL DETAIL.
I MEAN, YOU ARE THERE.
YOU KNOW?
AND IT CAN DRIVE--
YOU KNOW, COUPLES CAN REALLY
FIGHT OVER THIS.
MY WIFE AND I
STILL FIGHT OVER THIS ONE.
YOU KNOW?
THIS JUST DRIVES US CRAZY.
SHE JUST-- SWEETHEART,
WHEN YOUR HUSBAND
ASKS THE QUESTION,
"WHAT DID THE PLUMBER SAY?"
HE REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT HE SAID.
"I SAID, 'HOW ARE YOU DOING?'
HE SAID, 'FINE.'
I SAID,
'WHAT A NICE DAY WE'RE HAVING.'
HE SAID, 'YEAH.'
AND HE SAID, 'GOT ANY KIDS?'"
"NO! WHAT DID HE SAY?
BOTTOM LINE!" YOU KNOW?
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: details.
[imitates machine]
MEN'S BRAINS;
WOMEN'S BRAINS.
IT ALSO AFFECTS
NOT ONLY THE WORDS WE USE
AND STUFF, BUT ALSO,
IT AFFECTS HOW WE LISTEN.
YEAH.
WOMEN LISTEN!
BUT WE LISTEN, TOO.
WE'RE JUST DIFFERENT.
A LOT OF WOMEN SAY, YOU KNOW,
"MEN'S PROBLEM IS,
THEY GOT SELECTIVE LISTENING."
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHEN THE WIFE'LL SAY
SOMETHING LIKE,
"HONEY, GO TO THE STORE,
LAY DOWN THE MULCH,
WASH AND WAX THE CAR,
GET THE KIDS TO SCHOOL,
RENT SOME VIDEOS,
AND FINISH THE REST
OF THE DISHES."
AND THEN HE RUNS THAT
THROUGH HIS SELECTIVE FILTER...
>> [audience cheering]
>> Mark: ...AND ALL HE HEARS IS,
"HONEY, GO LAY DOWN
AND GET SOME REST."
OKAY?
BUT THAT'S NOT
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT I'M REALLY TALKING ABOUT
IS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SINGLE-TASKING
AND MULTITASKING.
BY AND LARGE--
AGAIN, INTERPOLATE
FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.
AGAIN, NOT EVERYBODY IS
THE SAME WAY.
BUT BY AND LARGE,
MEN ARE SINGLE-TASKERS.
WE DO ONE THING.
AND WE DO IT PRETTY WELL.
WOMEN CAN HANDLE
LOTS OF THINGS.
GUYS AREN'T WIRED THAT WAY.
THAT'S WHY
IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA
TO PUT A MAN IN CHARGE
OF MORE THAN ONE KID AT A TIME.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: WE CAN HANDLE THE ONE.
"BUT SWEETHEART, YOU'RE DOING
SUCH A GOOD JOB WITH JOHNNY.
WOW. WHERE ARE THE REST
OF THE KIDS?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "WE GOT OTHER KIDS?"
BUT, MAN, WE JUST--
[imitates machinery]
I'M A CLASSIC SINGLE-TASKER.
I'M SO BAD, I'LL BE GOING ALONG,
AND I'LL FORGET
THE ONE THING I WAS DOING.
I'M JUST COMPLETELY LOST.
I NEED TO REBOOT MY BRAIN.
SAY, "WHOA, WHERE AM I?"
BUT MEN-- GENERALLY SPEAKING,
WE DO IT--
NOW, WHAT WE DO,
WE DO VERY WELL.
BUT ONE OF THE REASONS
WHY MEN ARE SO GOOD
AT WHAT THEY DO
IS BECAUSE OF THIS ABILITY
TO COMPLETELY FOCUS
ON JUST ONE TASK.
MEN USUALLY WILL RISE
TO THE TOP OF ANY PROFESSION,
EVEN THOSE DOMINATED
SOMETIMES BY WOMEN.
THE BEST HAIR DESIGNERS
IN THE WORLD,
A LOT OF THE TIME, ARE MEN.
BEST COOKS IN THE WORLD: MEN.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WE HAVE
THIS UNIQUE ABILITY
TO FOCUS ON JUST ONE THING
AND DO IT EXTREMELY WELL.
OKAY?
WOMEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY.
YOU KNOW, THEY JUST--
♪ [Hums, "Entry
of the Gladiators"]
AND, YOU KNOW,
MY WIFE CAN BE, YOU KNOW,
IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV,
READING A BOOK,
MAKING KNICKKNACKS,
AND TALKING ON THE PHONE,
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
THIS IS AMAZING TO ME.
OF COURSE,
I COME IN, AND I'M JUST--
I'LL ASSUME
SHE'S NOT WATCHING TV.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "HEY!"
"WHAT?"
"I WAS WATCHING THAT."
"HOW COULD YOU
BE WATCHING THAT?
YOU'RE MAKING KNICKKNACKS."
"PUT IT BACK."
YOU KNOW?
WE'RE JUST--
[imitates computer]
NOW, THIS AFFECTS
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Laugh your way to a better marriage Part 2

23096 タグ追加 保存
celee626 2015 年 5 月 27 日 に公開
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