so please, please, do a crossover where they all fight each other & stuff --

Comes the best American Godzilla movie ever made...

which really isn't saying much...

"That's a lot of fish!"

Godzilla.

Prepare for a movie that was sold as a face off between Walter White and Godzilla

Yet barely contains any Bryan Cranston

and even less Godzilla.

Seriously, there's less than 20 minutes of him. We counted.

Get ready for the tease of the summer,

bringing you the king of monsters like you've never seen him before:

Obscured by water

Hidden in smoke

Barely visible through masks

Shot from really long distances on television

And shrouded in near-constant darkness.

Oh wait, here we go!

"Ahhhhhh!"

Awwww.

In a movie called "Godzilla,"

spend 80% of the runtime with two monsters that no one has ever heard of:

This gigantic spider monkey thing

And this moth who is totally not Mothra.

Then watch as they fight against all odds to find a safe place to pork.

Take that, true love!

Instead of watching the title character kick ass,

spend hours of screen-time with Kick Ass and the rest of his boring family.

There's his dad, whose wig is almost as bad as his Japanese.

Kick Ass' wife, an emergency room nurse who reacts to a crisis by abandoning her patients

and pawning off her only child on a coworker.

And this guy:

He's a professional bomb disposal expert who never defuses any bombs,

a magnet for every single giant monster,

an a-hole who keeps volunteering for dangerous missions instead of coming home to his wife

and kid.

"If you don't walk out, you don't come back at all."

"Sir, I'll do whatever it takes."

and a hero who spends more time and effort saving this random boy he met on a train than

he does trying to save his own family.

"I'm gonna be at the house by sunrise. Then I'm gonna get you and Sam out."

Tell them to run, you idiot!

In a nod to the series' Japanese roots,

ride along with Ken Watanabe,

who's only in the movie to dramatically say one name:

"We call him Gojira."

Deliver one cool line:

"Let them fight."

And, of course, stare.

Starring...

The Olsen Triplet

Discount Channing Tatum

Duhhhh

Crysenberg

and Real Kaiju Have Curves.

Godzilla. The Good One.

Man, if that's what his breath is like, I'd hate to see his farts.