No, damnit! That was a whole update.

Apparently, delivered to a dead camera.

Fine.

So,

some of you have been kind enough to point out

the unholy night terrors that have been ruining my sleep for the past several nights

might not be related to my study diet of frosted filled treats and grape soda

and kinda sound like the dreams that Natalie was having right before she got…

pod peopled.

And between that and trying to figure out how Carmilla’s involved with the missing girls…

I’m kinda freaking out.

[Carmilla enters]

You’re jumpy.

[Laura sighs]

Worried about your girlfriend making peace with the frat boys?

What? No. And...

And Danny’s not my girlfriend. I don’t… think.

Just, uh, some squicky dreams from the last few nights.

Well, dreams are supposed to be strange.

Last night I dreamt I was trapped under a bed.

You dreamt you were under a bed?

Yeah. Above me someone was crying.

A little girl in a white night dress.

And then it rained blood around the edges of the bed until I drowned.

How creepily specific.

But just a dream.

No reason for all of this… twitchiness.

There is no twitching. There is an absence of twitching.

Clearly.

[Carmilla turns to go, but then turns back]

You know, if it’s really making you so miserable, I could get you something to help you sleep.

That’s...

uncharacteristically considerate of you.

Yeah, well, I just don’t want you losing it and torching all my stuff.

Oh. [laughs sarcastically] Yeah, of course not.

[Carmilla leaves]

And yeesh, that has not been easy either.

Of course Carmilla decides to start acting like a halfway decent human being

the moment I figure out she’s probably kidnapping people.

[LaFontaine runs into the doorway, followed by Perry]

Where’s she headed?

Philosophy of tyranny in the Robespierre building.

Got it covered.

No, we don’t. This is insane!

Because yes, gentle viewers, the roommate surveillance project has been active for over the last week,

and the results are starting to look profoundly WTF.

[Montage of Carmilla]

First, of course, are the hours and hours of scientific evidence that she’s the worst roommate ever.

But her preternatural ability to clog the shower drain with her hair is only the tip of the weird-berg.

She’s nocturnal.

She sleeps until four then vanishes like a puff of antisocial smoke until just before daybreak.

She doesn’t eat anything besides my chocolate and that protein slurry that she keeps in her soy milk container;

a diet which I suspect means she should be dead.

Not freaktastic enough? That’s fine, because here’s where we go full on weekly world news.

I know Silas has some quirks,

but I’m pretty sure

spontaneous combustion, super strength, and an all protein diet weren’t options on my roommate form.

I mean, we’ve all seen the pictures of her with the missing girls and now this?

[Carmilla in the doorway]

How likely is it that she— [Notices Carmilla; changes tabs]

Uh, hey! I’m not doing anything.

Sure. Your Snape/Ron fic’s still on the screen, spaz.

[Laura chuckles nervously]

I just came to bring you this.

Is that a dried bat wing?

Yeah. It’s a charm or whatever.

To help with the bad dreams?

[Puts charm on Laura's wrist]

You’re annoying...but

if you burn out from sleep deprivation

they’ll probably replace you with someone even more OCD.

The devil you know, you know?

Uh, thank you.

So, in the spirit of all this newfound closeness, maybe you could tell me where you go all night?

Mm.

Well, I have to keep some of my secrets.

Otherwise I’ll lose my air of mystery, won’t I?

[Carmilla leaves]

Was that…?

Was she just flir…?