yet a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend.

I now pronounce you "Teddy Bear and Wife".

You may kiss the bear.

Proving that Americans don't give a crap about anything.

So I got some big news.

Tammy-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.

That's awesome! Wait - how do you guys...?

We, uh, we need a sperm donor.

What is that? What're you doin?

Getting ready, dude.

Whadya mean you're gettin' ready? What're you doin' with your hand?

I'm doing this for you. It's when I get in there I can just bust it out.

Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?

Hey, Johnny, you did it!

Right here, buddy!

CATCH!

What the - ?!

Dude, that's somebody's KID!

Dude, it's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in!

Wait, wait, wait! I'm gonna take a picture and post it on Facebook.

WHAT?!

#GrrrMondays

Help me!

Oh my God, Teddy, look at this!

It says if we wanna have a baby, you're gonna have to prove you're a person in a court of law!

This is a nightmare...

We gotta fight it!

We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue the government for your civil rights!

I'm Samantha Jackson.

You must be Ted.

Uh, yeah... Samantha Jackson, what's your middle name?

- Leslie. - OH MY GOD! You're Sam L Jackson!

That's great! I mean, just like Sam L Jackson!

Who is that...?

You ever seen any movie ever?

He's the black guy.

They've denied you the same rights as everybody else

just because you're different.

Can you get me my life back?

Ted, do you believe you have a soul?

What did you think

I would do at this moment?

Objection!

Overruled.

You want to be human in the eyes of the law

but the important thing about being human

is to make a contribution to society.

Where the hell's my coffee?!

You're not building rockets, figure it out!

What a prick. $20 I can toss a cookie crisp into that guy's ass crack.

- Do it! - I'm gonna do it.

Who did that?!

Sir, I apologize for my five year old child.

Bad Butch! You sit there and eat your fish nuggets!

Fish-y nuggy!

Go! Go! GO!

Alright, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions now, you ready?

Yep, bring it on.

Do you consider yourself to be human?

- Objection! - Sustained!

No the witness cannot -

- Overruled! - Sidebar! - Guilty! - Speculation!

- Heresy! - Bailiff! - Briefcase! - Disregard!

- In my chambers! - Stop beavering the witness! - I rest!

- We could TOTALLY be lawyers. - Bang.