--AAAAAHH!

[crumbling] [screaming]

[gasping]

Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT!

LOVECRAFT WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!

HOW DID HE KNOW?!

Huh, it's not attacking.

Fuck!

ALL RIGHT! LET HISTORY KNOW YOU STARTED IT!

Stupid air resistance...

What the fuck is THAT?!

OH GOD! IT'S FOLLOWING ME!

NO NO NO!

NO NOO--

[fzzt]

--O!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Oof...

Low gravity's coming in handy.

What the fuck's going on up there?!

WAAA-AAA-AAAAA!

YOU'RE FLYING PIÑATAS IS WHAT YOU ARE!

WHERE'S MY CANDY?!

ANY MORE?!

Jesus Christ!

[exhales]

Sometimes I think it's so awesome being me

that the universe has turn to complete shit to cope with it.

This is one of those predictions I was hoping wasn't true, but...

Yeah, REAL low gravity.

...but reality is clearly breaking down the longer I'm alive.

Yeah! Air time!

I like this!

Ah! Wonderful. Well, this is good.

Well, hey, now I know all the big secrets.

This is why security was so tight at Black Mesa:

we were killing people by the hundreds!

The best part is: there would have been no evidence at all! None!

Now I'm not even sure if these were Science Team members.

I think they might've just been spare security guards.

"Hey, you want to make an extra fifty bucks?

"Just put this suit on and walk into that chamber."

That's probably why we had advertisements for security guards ALL OVER the damned place.

They might not have even been guards, not all of them.

Yeah, I'll take that.

We were in fucking New Mexico; they could've just thrown migrant workers in here.

Because hundreds of scientists disappearing?

There's no way they could've gotten away with that! That would send shockwaves!

What was it that guy said to me?

I know more than any one man should?

He must've been dead serious when he said that.

Okay, so it's either live in this ant colony or find out where this goes.

Not much to lose!

[fzzt]

Oh, fuck.

What?!

OH, THANKS! I NEEDED A DISTRACTION!

I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS I NEED TO DEAL WITH OR ANYTHING!

OH GOD!

OKAY, KEEP MOVING!

I'M TOTALLY NOT FIGHTING AN ELDER GOD! NOPE!

NO NO NO!

THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING!

IT'S JUST REALLY BIG...

LEVITATES AND...

LOOKS LIKE AN ELDER GOD!

BUT I SHOULD TRY AND KEEP PERSPECTIVE!

NUH!

WE HAD DINOSAURS BIGGER THAN YOU!

OR AT LEAST TALLER!

WUAAH!

AND EARTH GRAVITY'S WAY HIGHER, SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?!

Fuck, I'm out of explosive rounds!

Hey, that crystal's helping him!

WHAT THE SHIT?! DON'T DO THAT!

I'M COMING UP THERE!

OH SHIT! OHH SHIT!

AIR TIME!

AIR GORDON!

FUCK YOU AND YOUR BIG HEAD AND YOUR STUPID CRYSTALS!

This is gonna hurt...!

AH!

FUCK YOU!

YEAH! WHAT D'YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!

Oh, shit!

No, no--!

--no!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Oof! Fuck, my leg!

WUAAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAAAAH!

STOP BEING ASSHOLES! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

I JUST HAVE TO TEACH YOU WITH MY BULLETS!

LOTS AND LOTS OF BULLETS!

YOU'RE NOT LEARNING!

OPEN YOUR M--OH MY GOD!

GET BACK!

BACK!

BACK!

BACK!

NOW STAY STILL!

GOOD! YOU'RE LEARNING!

Whoa!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! I THOUGHT I GOT ALL OF THEM!

DON'T YOU GLOW RED ON ME!

Okay, well, you seem to be ignoring me. I'll take that.

I mean, in time, I'll need you to show respect,

but for now, I'll settle for not shrieking like a harpy and trying to mind-flay me.

Ah, goodies.

Whoa-ho! Don't have my space legs yet.

Oh, here we go! Lots of stuff!

More explosive rounds.

See, your sacrifice would've been in vain,

but now that I'm here, your life had purpose.

This is what I do.

So am I going to have to dig my way out of here?

That's going to be a lot of work. I'm gonna need more calories to pull that off.

Hey!

What the hell are you?

Some sort of sky lantern.

Well, hey, there's the teleporter up there.

Okay! Time for a physics experiment.

Oh, wow! It does hold my weight.

I'm the low-g man.

This is sweet.

Well, I can't say I'm happy to return to that guy,

but him seeing me again should at least piss him off.

[fzzt]

Whuh!

HEY! REMEMBER ME?!

YOU REMEMBER ME!

HEY, I FOUND MORE OF THESE ROUNDS! ISN'T THAT COOL?!

WHOA! WELL, I THINK IT'S COOL!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY IS COOL?! THIS SPACE-Y LASER GUN?!

LET'S TEST IT OUT ON YOUR CRYSTALS!

OH! I MISSED IT! LET'S TRY IT AGAIN!

COOL! HERE, YOU CAN HAVE SOME!

Stupid crystals...

Oh, not this again...

[vortigaunt charging up] C'mon! C'MON!

[vortigaunt bolt] [shudder]

[vortigaunt charging up] PISS OFF!

[vortigaunt bolt] [shudder]

RAAAH!

STOP--!

HOOOO!

Okay, water...! I can do water!

[underwater mumbling]

I hear trouble...!

Where IS that?!

[underwater mumbling]

Whoa-whoa-WHOA!

[vortigaunt charging up]

[vortigaunt bolt] [shudder]

[vortigaunt charging up] [gibbering]

[vortigaunt bolt] [shudder]

[shuddering] That hurts even more when I'm wet!

Okay! If everyone keeps their distance, no one will get hurt who is me!

Draw! Wait, I said that late.

[vortigaunt charging up] Draw!

[vortigaunt bolt] [shudder]

Fuck it.

Yeah, draw. I win.

Well, this place is nice and roomy. It has a pool.

Hey, there's a light up there. Is someone signaling me?

I think it's Morse for "Yabba-dabba-labba-dabba-yabba-labba".

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA-

Oof...

...whoa!

THAT WAS BAD ASS! Did you see that?!

Hey! SCIENTIST: Yes?

Oh, wow! You're alive!

They fucked you, too, huh?

Well, listen, are you any good at basketball?

This might work as a low gravity court; we could use an alien head as the ball.

SCIENTIST: Well, it appears the containment system as completely failed.

Oh, God, you're another one of those savant fucks who doesn't know what's happening!

I can't take this!

This is worse than no one alive at all!

Low-G cannonball!

[underwater mumbling]

No, shark...! Get out before the shark...!

Huh, this is depressing.

Oh, there's another ledge; that should cheer me up, right? Because it's... rock?

Whuuuuuuuuaaa--!

Palmed it!

Okay... let's hit--Ah! That's a little rough.

Y'know, I figure--ahh--that these chambers must be pressurized.

This gravity is even lower than before; I shouldn't be able to even breathe

with gravity this low.

Lucky me.

Okay, I really don't want to jump in the shark tank again,

so I'm just going to hang off. Shouldn't be too bad on my knees.

Ah-ah! Free fall!

Yeah, that's not so bad.

Okay, do I want to go cause some more trouble?

Yeah, I kind of do.

I mean this place has no future.

Besides, he fucking started it!

[fzzt]

Hey-hey! Me again!

Yeah, happy to see you, too! Check this out!

Oh, these air currents suck.

Yeah, sorry! That trick didn't go how I hoped!

But, hey, here's an old favorite; you like this one, right?!

Boy, you're hard to please today!

YOU MISSED!

YOUR BODYGUARD SUCKS!

[Nihilanth bolt] [shudder]

OKAY, I FELT THAT ONE!

MY TURN!

Hey, let's stop fucking around; your existence is an affront to my species,

so I've got--Oh, not this again!

You don't have to--no, no, no!

Are we gon--

[fzzt]

--na...?

Uh, water...

Big...

Wait...

[underwater mumbling]

OH, HELL! IT'S ONE OF THOSE BIG GUYS!

Oh. He's walking away.

But... Yeah, this is the same place.

Well, you go take a nap or whatever. Don't let me disturb you.

[fzzt]

I'm back!

Can you believe I still have ammunition left?!

I know, right?!

I mean, what else am I gonna do with it?!

Oh, this again! THIS IS YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!

Y'KNOW, IF YOU COULD SEND ME TO SOME LUXURY RESORT,

I WOULDN'T WANT TO COME BACK HERE!

Haaah... Okay, guess I'm getting cleaned up.

[underwater mumbling]

I see haven't changed much in my absence.

You know what? You're a good roommate;

you just stand in the corner and mutter to yourself.

I can't ask for more than that.

[fzzt]

You know that other guy's a lot more chilled out than you are!

You probably think you're enlightened with your floating and prayer motions,

but, really, you're just a dick!

Oh, big surprise! Big... fucking... surprise!

[sighs]

Fucking swan dive purgatory.

[underwater mm-hmm]

Well, I'm out of rockets, but I want to unload everything.

It's better to die in a low-gravity ballet trying to kill an elder god than...

Well, that's my only option, really.

[fzzt]

YEAH! FEEL THE STING OF DEFENSE DEPARTMENT FUNDING!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS GUN IS BUT IT'S VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE!

Blah!

OH, MY GOD! HIS HEAD IS A PORTAL!

HE KEEPS A UNIVERSE IN HIS HEAD!

I WANT IT!

YES! IT'S BREAKING APART!

THAT MEANS I GET TO BE THE NEW GOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT?!

[vortigaunt charging up] I'VE GOTTA GET UP THERE!

[vortigaunt bolt] AH! NOW'S NOT THE TIME, FUCKSTICK!

HE'S MAKING PORTALS EVERYWHERE; I'VE GOTTA GET ONE!

GIVE IT TO ME! I NEED A GOOD ONE!

NO! I'M GONNA MISS IT!

GIVE ME!

Blah! G-MAN: Gordon Freeman, in the flesh,

G-MAN: or rather in the Hazard Suit,

That's a fucking microbe! G-MAN: I took the liberty

G-MAN: of relieving you of your weapons.

What? G-MAN: Most of them were government property.

Did you drug me? G-MAN: As for the suit,

G-MAN: I think you've earned it.