-Black bishop takes white pawn.

-Dad, Year Eight science class has gone missing.

-I said, black bishop takes white pawn.

That's you, boy.

-Why, you--

-Excellent.

Be off with you, pawn.

-What are you doing?

-Well, I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously.

-But you can't use Year Eight.

-Can't?

A word for breathers.

Why have a school full of human spawn

if you can't have a little sport with them?

Anyway, they're all thoroughly hypnotized.

They won't remember a thing.

-That doesn't make it any better.

-You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game

of tactics and strategy.

Every move should be an educated and intellectual decision.

-Can you move the horsey next?

[sigh]

-I don't know how to play chess, master.

-You could fill a crypt with what you don't know, Renfield.

-Right.

Go back to class.

-Stay.

-Go.

THE COUNT: Stay.

VLAD: Go.

-Stay!

-Go. THE COUNT: Stay.

-Go.

-Stay.

-Stay.

-Go!

Aw.

-You heard the man.

-Do you-- do you see me laughing?

[chuckle]

-I'm back-- twice as gorgeous, three times as evil.

Make that four times as evil.

[knocking]

[knocking]

-(WEAKLY) Come in.

Oh, it's you.

-Why are you making out like you've just been staked?

-I want people to think I'm still weak.

That way, they'll underestimate me.

You reek of breather.

-Um, I've been in class with them all day, the stinklings.

-So what do you say we go into town tonight and give some boys

the fight of their dull little lives?

-Uh, sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad.

INGRID: Again, but we had an arrangement.

-Did we?

-It's because he's the Chosen One.

You think he's going to make you his queen?

-We're just friends.

-You're trying to take my place, aren't you?

-I don't want to be his sister.

That's too weird, even for this place.

-You know what I mean.

-You really need to chill.

[thunder rumbling]

-Don't you dare walk away from me.

There's only one Queen of Darkness here.

Me!

[thumping sounds]

INGRID: Ow.

-So it was on October 23?

-No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st.

-All right, 21st October, 1805, lower gun deck.

And just before he died, Nelson said, uh, kiss me, Hardy.

-No, he didn't.

He said kismet.

-Kismet.

He said what?

-Kismet.

It means "fate."

-No, he didn't.

Bertrand was there.

Well, he is over 400.

He used to hang around loads of battles, apparently.

Easy pickings, he says, all that blood.

Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so.

-Ew.

[chuckling]

[sighing]

-Renfield?

Renfield!

[running footsteps]

-Yes, master?

[whimpering]

-What's happened to my fang file?

It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company.

-Ow!

It-- it's Vlad.

He-- he borrowed it for his metalwork project.

-He's always telling me what to do

and trifling with my possessions.

I should kick him off the--

[FEMALE VOICE SINGING IN TRANSYLVANIAN]

-It can't be.

[singing continues]

[singing continues]

-Is that what I think it is?

[singing in transylvanian]

[singing continues]

[singer freezes]

-What do you think you're doing?

-I was just about to ask you the same question.

-But that song, it's Transylvanian.

She must be from the old country.

It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal.

-No, you can't.

-I'm your father.

Pick a fight with me, boy, and you will lose.

-I said no.

I'm so sorry.

I must have fall-- just--

-Ow.

Oof.

-What?

I just got lucky.

[woman singing in transylvanian]

-So what's on the menu?

Has-beens on toast?

I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you

humbled, crushed, shamed, humiliated-- stop me

when you think I've covered it.

You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong.

He might make you lord of Croydon for a few years,

but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight

Home for the long in fang.

I'd take you on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted.

THE COUNT: I don't need advice from you.

-Of course not.

I suppose you know his big weakness.

Erin, the half-fang?

He's crushing on her like crazy.

If you want to get him, get her.

-That's blatantly obviously to anyone with half a brain.

-Come on, you stupid locker.

-Uh, allow me.

Sweaty hands.

What's going on?

Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet

on his pants, and today I can't open a stuck locker.

-You were angry and focused.

It concentrated your powers.

You learn to control that, and you'll

be ready to open the "Praedictum Impaver."

-I need to do more training.

-Have you seen the count today?

-I think he's avoiding me.

-Well, last night he saw the future.

He has to feel he's still valued and relevant.

It's vital that he's reassured.

Otherwise, he's got nothing to lose.

He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us.

Until you open the book, he won't

be ready to leave as a [inaudible].

We need more time.

[bell ringing]

-So uh, Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?

Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?

-It was boring.

-That's because unlike me, he doesn't

appreciate the Count's wisdom.

-Oh, shut up, Renfield.

-Lunch is served.

-What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?

-Master's favorite.

-Uh, and by "master" you mean?

-Ocelot Wellington in-- in a sticky badger sauce.

-Ooh, delicious.

[loud crunching and smacking]

-Absolutely revolting.

-Oh yes, it's disgusting, master, disgusting.

That-- that-- that pup needs teaching manners.

-Good idea, Renfield.

See to it.

-As you say, master.

-Where's the ocelot's nose?

I always get the ocelot's nose.

It's-- that's-- right, that's it.

-Apologies, master. I thought that now Master Vlad--

-It's a mistake.

Dad, this is yours.

-Keep it.

I've decided to satiate my appetite

with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know.

And don't try to stop me.

Oh yes, I'm ready for you this time.

-And what if that brings the slayers down on us?

-Well, you're a big boy now.

I'm sure you can handle it.

-Oh, so now you're just being silly.

-Silly?

I've been the scourge of nations,

star of 10,000 nightmares.

And now I'm just silly.

Count Silly of-- Croydon.

-Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

Really, I am.

-Prove it.

-How?

-I want you to throw a Carpathian

Feast tonight in my honor.

Yes.

Yes, a dinner for me and my pals.

It'll prove you still value and revere me.

-Yeah, I can do that.

Renfield, make the usual discreet travel

arrangements for guests.

INGRID: That's it?

That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?

He throws a party, and it's all happy families?

-You aren't invited.

[knife vibrating]

[flies buzzing]

[whispering]

-Let me tell you about fine dining.

[flies buzzing]

These are not ordinary maggots.

These are hand-reared maggots, fed on a diet of elephant dung

and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee.

This is not just vampire fare.

This is vampire food heaven.

Now take a good handful, shove it in your gob.

-That doesn't sound posh.

-It's how the fancy French vampires do it.

And they know better than you, you little hooligan.

[whispering]

-Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own

kind, but if that's all it takes to keep him happy--

-Learn not to take things at face value.

-What?

What have I missed?

-The Carpathian Feast is in ancient tradition.

There hasn't been one for hundreds of years.

There's something that happens at the end of the evening.

-I'll jump out of a cake if I have to.

-A vampire of the Count's choosing

is roasted to death in his honor.

-I hope you're happy.

-Oh, Ingrid, I'm so sorry.

Look, I won't let him do this to you.

-It's not me.

It's Erin.

-Argh!

-Vlad.

Vlad.

VLAD: Fuck off.

-Daddy, I am so proud of you.

[sobbing]

-Leave me alone!

I'm not going to let him do this.

-Then you'll fail his test.

He hasn't picked Erin by accident.

He knows you've got a thing for her.

-I don't know what you mean.

We're just friends.

-Vlad, I'm over 400.

I know when a guy's into a girl.

She walks into a room, you get a silly grin on your face.

-OK.

I'll tell Dad I don't have feelings for her,

and he'll stop playing these silly games and let her go.

-If you do anything to stop him burning Erin,

he's going to know that you've put your wishes above his.

Vlad, you know where that will lead.

-I'm going to see Erin.

[sighing]

-Are you OK?

-Do I look like it?

Can you get me out of here?