divided into competitive sections, this doe-eyed teenage heroine must lead a revolt against

a ruthless dictator who--

Wait, guys, we did this one already.

It's The Hunger Games.

"No, John, it's not The Hunger Games."

It's not? Are you sure? Because it looks and sounds exactly like the Hunger Games.

"Yeah, there's no fight to the death in this one."

So, it's the same movie but without the actual games? That sounds horrible.

Divergent.

Enter a world inspired by a woman who read The Hunger Games and said to herself: "I can

change that slightly and make a ton of money!"

Journey to an overly-complicated future where every teenager's career is determined by a

test that places them into one of five factions, each based on a single personality trait --

unless they test positive for more than one, which makes them a Divergent, but it's different

from being factionless which basically means you're homeless.

But the test doesn't matter because they can choose whatever faction they want, which leads

to another series of tests.

"There are two stages of training. You'll be trained separately from the Dauntless born,

but you'll be ranked together. After initiations rankings will determine what jobs you move

into."

"The rankings will also determine who gets cut. At the end of each training the lowest

ranking --"

Ugh. The bowl of names in the Sorting Hat were a lot more straight-forward.

Gryffindor!

Volunteer as tribute to one of five factions each named after a different SAT word.

There's Abnegation,

The District 12s,

Erudite,

The Slytherins,

Amity,

The Hufflepuffs,

The... Other One,

and Dauntless, the cool faction that plays games,

gets tattoos,

and does parkour that every teen would choose to join.

Because no teenager in the right mind with ever choose to be a f***ing farmer.

Meet Tris, a secretly Divergent Abnegate turned Dauntless who's just as insufferable as this

sentence.

She's a heroine you're not embarrassed to like, who's smarter than Bella and more

decisive than Katniss.

But that won't stop her from getting her ass kicked.

A lot.

Witness a creepy romance bloom between Tris and her much, much older trainer with an equally

dumb name.

"My name's Four."

"Four like the number?"

And thrill as these rebellious Divergents uncover an evil conspiracy to eradicate an

entire district --

I mean, faction.

Watch things heat up as Shailene Woodley and this super hot tattooed hunk make out,

while fighting against Miles Teller

who she made out in The Spectacular Now,

and being related to Ansel Elgort

who he made out with in The Fault In Our Stars.

Eeeesh.

It's like a quarter quell of guys Shailene's porked.

Sit back for a film full of things that are obvious attempts to pander to teenage girls

like

staring at yourself in the mirror,

having perfect hair no matter how much you work out,

hot older boys who see how special you are on the inside,

"I know exactly who you are."

and telling them that choosing your clique is the most important decision you ever make.

"Faction before blood."

So get ready to be left hanging, while our two love interests outsmart the evil government,

then ride off on a train into a uncertain future.

Guys, I'm telling you. We did this already.

Starring

Kattris,

I am Number Four,

The Fault in our Co-Stars,

Kilometers Teller,

Old Rose,

Mekhi Phive Minutes of Screen Time,

Kat Von D,

and Cinna's Daughter.

Not the Hunger Games.

Yikes, one kid with hepatitis and they're all going down!