[sniffing]

-Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

-, you're a wolf not cockerel.

Please try to remember that.

ZOLTAN: I'm sorry, Master Vlad.

Your father wants to see you straight away.

-Well, that doesn't sound very good.

Is he angry?

-No, he's not angry.

-Whew.

-He's furious.

He's been reading you're school report.

-But my report's good.

-Yes, that seems to be the problem.

RENFIELD: Vlad is a nice boy who is a pleasure to teach.

-Nice?

Nice!

You're a vampire, Vlad, and vampires are never nice.

Not even at Christmas.

-Dad, I'm not like you.

I can't do charming and deadly.

-No, but you can do pathetic and loser really well.

Face it, Dad, he's just not cut out to be a vampire.

Me, on the other hand--

RENFIELD: Ingrid is a born troublemaker who delights

in causing as much destruction to the class as possible.

-Oh, Ingrid.

Can't you see I'm busy with the future Count Dracula here.

-But I'm the eldest.

I want to inherit the title.

[laughter]

COUNT DRACULA: Mmm.

Countess Dracula.

-Countess Dracula?

COUNT DRACULA: That's a good one.

RENFIELD: That's a good one.

-Now Vlad, I want to wake up and smell the coffee.

Now promise me-- promise you'll try

harder to cause trouble at school.

-Yes, Dad.

COUNT DRACULA: That's my boy.

[sighs]

[paper ripping]

-Robin is moody and difficult in class.

He only cheers up when he's dissecting a frog.

Please, could you ask him not to do this during maths.

PAUL: Morning.

-Morning.

-Why the long faces?

-It's Robin's school report.

It's not good.

-Well, we can't all be child geniuses, Little Miss Einstein.

-Besides, how many GCSE's you need to be a grave digger?

-Ha.

Ha.

Shouldn't you two be up playing rugby

and getting badly injured?

-Come on, I'm hungry.

Race you to the muesli?

-Oh, Robin.

Why can't you be happy like Ian and Paul?

-They're not happy.

They can cursed.

-Look, Robin.

Mum and Dad just don't want you to end up on the streets,

having to beg people for money.

-And my Dad wants me to end up on the streets

making people beg for their lives.

-You just can't keep away, can you, Ingrid?

You're drawn to me like moth to a flame.

INGRID: Drop dead, Branagh.

If you think I'm going to stand back and watch you inherit

my castle, you're more stupid than he looks.

VLAD: Do you think I like being Count, Junior?

Dad's waited 600 years for a son and heir.

Would have made my life a lot easier if I was born a girl.

-You know you really shouldn't say that out loud.

INGRID: I'm going to show Dad why I should be his favorite.

I'm going to be the biggest troublemaker

this school has ever seen.

-Oooh.

Opening an umbrella indoors, that's bad.

You go girl.

VLAD: Dad's not going to be impressed by that.

[fire alarm]

-I stand corrected.

I'm wet.

-You know, your sister really is quite twisted.

I like that, though.

-Well, don't just stand there.

Turn it off!

[sigh]

-It wasn't us!

-Do the words red-handed ring any bells?

I'm suspending you two until further notice.

Looks like I'll be having a word with your father.

Won't that be nice?

-I suppose you think this is funny?

-Funny?

I think it's terrible what happened.

I mean, who could do such a-- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You look hilarious.

Wait until my dad hears about this.

-He won't have to wait very long.

Vlad's probably telling him as we speak.

-Vlad?

CHLOE: Van Helsing suspended him and Robin over the fire alarm.

They were in a lot of trouble because of you.

-No!

[party horns blowing]

VLAD: I'm guessing the school rang you then?

-Suspended.

Vlad, I knew you could do it, you young hell-raiser!

RENFIELD: Congratulations, Master.

I have baked a cake in your honor.

VLAD: You shouldn't have.

RENFIELD: It's chocolate.

And pig's blood.

[spitting]

-Really, you shouldn't have.

-Mmm.

Sweet and uh, tangy.

ZOLTAN: Ahem.

I have composed a poem to celebrate

your great achievement.

There once was a vampire called Vlad,

who was terribly naughty and bad.

He got suspended from school and learned to be cruel.

So now he can fang out with his dad.

-Huh.

This is ridiculous.

-Well, it probably needs a bit of work, but--

VLAD: I mean, this!

I don't want to be suspended.

I want to learn things.

I want to lead a normal life.

RENFIELD: Oh.

Cake, anyone?

I'll make a start on the washing up.

-Psst.

Don't leave me here.

-I am, uh, very disappointed in you.

ZOLTAN: I am sorry, Master.

I am just not good with family rows.

-Not you.

Him!

-I'll just be over here if you need me.

[whimpers]

-Oh, Dad!

You've got to stop creeping up on me like that.

-It's all part of the training, Jonathan.

A good vampire hunter never drops his guard.

You can't be too careful.

Could be anywhere.

JONNO: Oh, you mean that one behind you?

VAN HELSING: I'm serious.

You'll see.

I'll need your help, Major.

We're going slaying.

JONNO: You know, Dad, just for once it'd be nice if you said,

let's go bowling or let's go to the cinema.

-But slaying is fun.

JONNO: You call hiding behind some rocks

watching the castle all night, fun?

VAN HELSING: This is going to be different.

The time for watching and waiting is over.

Vlad has given me the perfect excuse to suspend him.

-So?

-Which gives me the perfect excuse to visit the castle.

We're going in.

-But, Dad, they're not vampires.

We've been watching them for weeks, and the only things

we've seen that bite are mosquitoes.

VAN HELSING: Sometimes, you have to go with your gut reaction.

JONNO: I know all about your gut reaction.

We share a caravan toilet, remember.

But, Dad, I'm not gonna let you slay that family.

-Oh, yeah?