ヤングドラキュラ - BBCシリーズ - シーズン1エピソード4 "スレイタイムTV" (Young Dracula - BBC Series - Season 1 Ep 4 "Slaytime TV")

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[theme music playing]
RENFIELD: Master, no!
N-n-n-- sorry, Master!
-How many times have I told you, Renfield?
You feed me one more cup of tomato juice
and I will throw it in your face.
-Master, I--
-I don't want excuses!
I want fresh blood.
-I am sorry, Master, but the paper boy got wise to my traps.
-Dad, you promised to be careful.
Do I need to spell it out for you?
M-O-B.
-I am Count Dracula, not Spell Dracula.
-M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.
-I know that, but I'm bored.
Vladey, tomorrow you shall stay home from school
and entertain me.
Invite your village friends over.
We'll play murder in the dark.
-For the last time, no.
If you need entertaining, get a TV.
-You want me to stare at a glass box all day?
I'd rather be dead-- and I am.
And I love it.
No television and that's final.
-If we get to do evil stuff, I'll stay home with you.
-Well, it's settled.
I shall buy a television.
You, go barter with the peasants for their finest television.
And you, clear up this mess.
-Why can't Vlad do it?
It's because he's a boy, isn't it?
-No.
It's because he's my son.
He's my future, my hopes, my dreams.
He is--
-Going round to Robin's.
-Then I'm going, too, and you can't stop me.
-Fine.
Fine!
Just remember to polish my coffin when you get home.
-I can't believe you talked me into another vampire stake-out.
-We're slayers.
It's our duty to fight the forces of darkness--
-Shh!
They're coming out.
SLAYER: Off to commit evil deeds, no doubt.
-Or maybe they're just going to hang out with mates.
-What a great idea.
-Oh, no.
-You're in Vlad's class.
You must befriend him, gain his trust.
One day, the mask will slip and then
it's out with the garlic and stakes.
-You want me to invite him around for dinner?
-Sometimes, I think your heart just
isn't in the slaying business.
-O-of course it is, dad.
It's just that, well, what if I was
to try and get close to Ingrid, instead?
-I knew you were a chip off the old stake.
-Hey, Robin, do you want to smell my flower?
-Do I look stupid?
-Just play along.
We're trying to win "You've Been Shamed."
You could be on telly.
-Great.
I'm gagging to embarrass myself in front of my friends.
-How many times?
You haven't got any friends.
-Robin?
Your friends are here.
-Ingrid!
Knew you couldn't keep away.
-Ignore the freak.
we're going to make you a star.
-What do you mean "make"?
-You know the TV show "You've Been Shamed?"
-No.
-Uh, well, people make funny movies and send them in.
-The top prize is 1,000 pound.
-And we're going to win it with you as our leading lady.
-Have either of you two clowns ever made a movie before?
-We've been creating movies for years.
-Yeah?
-They mean they filmed our family holidays
on dad's crapped out old camcorder.
-Cinematic masterpieces.
-10 years of Branaugh holidays.
Merthyr Tydfil, [inaudible], oh, I forgot about this one.
Transylvania.
What?
-1994, holiday in Bistritz, Transylvania.
-That's just a few miles from our old castle.
-I don't remember going to Transylvania.
-Ah, it was years ago.
-Put it on.
Put it on.
CHILD (ON VIDEO): Dad said I could play with this, not you!
CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Yes, I can! [inaudible]
FATHER (ON VIDEO): Silly lads, it's not a toy.
CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Give me the camera, back, smelly--
MOTHER (ON VIDEO): Come on, boys, don't fight.
INGRID: Spielberg must be panicking so much right now.
-I can't believe I'd been to Transylvania and never knew.
You're so lucky to have lived there.
I'd give anything to switch lives with you.
That's it.
VLAD: What?
-You don't fit in to your family.
I don't fit in to mine.
I was in your village with I was a baby.
What if me and you were like accidentally swapped around?
-Look, I know you think you don't fit in,
but that's just because you're individual,
not because you're a vam-- a Vlad.
-It would explain a lot, though.
-Well, I'm convinced.
-When you moving out?
-Master, why don't you let me entertain you?
-Because I don't think I could survive yet
another hour of your Transylvanian twist.
-Hmm, are you sure?
Huh?
I've made a new sparkly leotard.
-Now, let's see what mindless trash
passes for entertainment these days.
Up a bit.
Left a bit.
Just right.
-Master, I think you should know that I am in agonizing pain.
-Perfect.
Hold it there.
-Fantastic.
You got the TV.
We're finally normal.
-No son of mine is normal.
Vlad, you're banned from watching this thing.
It'll turn you int a weak-willed, sheep-like native.
Ingrid, you can watch it if you like.
-I hope you get hooked on that breather box.
-It'll have no effect on me.
I am incorruptible.
Watch this.
Boring, boring, boring.
Hmm.
VLAD: Morning, dad.
Dad?
Good old blood-free toast, the perfect breakfast.
-Has he been watching TV all night?
-Looks like it.
OK, dad, I'm off to school.
Bye, dad.
Bye, Vlad.
See ya.
-I thought you were incorruptible.
-Shh!
Quiet.
Sheila is about to find out if Edna is really her daughter.
-Well doesn't she know?
-Of course not, you foolish girl.
She has amnesia.
DOCTOR (ON TV): Here are the results
of your DNA test, Mrs. Scott.
I'm sorry to tell you Edna is not your daughter.
-[gasp]
DOCTOR (ON TV): However, I am your son!
-Oh.
-Oh!
-Well, I didn't see that one coming.
-Of course not, because it's really far-fetched and stupid.
-Oh just go to school, Ingrid!
-I don't believe this.
You love that TV more than your children.
-Of course I don't.
I just love TV more than my daughter.
-[sigh]
-Have you eaten plenty of garlic?
-Yes, dad.
-Good.
And what do you say if she invites
you up to see her coffin? -[inaudible] Can I go now?
-Wait, wait.
I, uh, I got you these.
You're a slayer now, my son.
-Yeah.
Thanks.
-OK, how about this?
Bistritz beer festival, 1994.
My parents drink too much ale and push away the wrong pram.
That's possible, right?
-Umm.
-Just think about it, that's all.
-OK.
Can I stop now?
I'm starting to worry about you.
-Worry about yourself, snot.
-What have I done now?
-You made dad buy that TV.
Thanks to you, I'm now his third favorite.
-Oh come on, sis.
You know that's not true. You forgot about Renfield.
That makes you fourth favorite.
[laughing]
IAN: Ingrid!
-What!
-Uh, don't you want your homework?
-Oh.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm sorry I snapped.
It's just my brother.
He really bugs me.
-Uh, don't worry about it.
-Yeah, we understand.
-You do?
-Yeah.
-You have met Robin?
He's delusional.
He keeps going on about how he was swapped at birth.
-Shame he wasn't.
That'd solve all our problems.
-Yes.
Yes, it would, wouldn't it?
It really would.
Thank you.
I owe you. IAN: In that case--
PAUL: Will you be in our movie?
-Yeah, whatever.
-Safe.
-We'll see you later, then.
-Ingrid, um, uh, I couldn't help overhearing that you let
the twins do your homework for you.
-So tell the Head Mistress.
See if I care.
-Oh, no, th-that's not what I meant.
If you ever want something done probably, just ask.
-As if.
Actually, there is something you can do for me.
Meet me in the library after school.
Oh, come on!
You could have written The Lord of the Rings by now.
-What's the rush?
It's only homework, isn't it?
-It's kind of more like an evil plot to destroy my brother.
-Oh, OK.
Um, why?
-Well you see, with Vlad gone, I get the lot.
The castle, the coffins, my father's love.
-See?
You're not evil at all.
You just want your dad to understand you.
-How did you know?
-Believe me, I know what it's like.
-You know, I'm sensing a real connection here.
So it's a shame I've got to kill you.
-Wha?
Kill-kill me?
Why?
-It's a vampire thing.
Kind of what we do.
-You're a vampire?
-Yep.
Now this is going to hurt a lot.
I'll just hypnotize you so you don't scream.
-C-can't you just hypnotize me so I'll forget
that we ever had this conversation?
-Oh, right.
Nice plan.
Blood-splattered clothes are so 1600s.
Ingrid is not a vampire.
Everything is perfectly normal.
And sort your hair out.
-What?
-Hello, Mr. Count.
Is Ingrid in?
-Who knows, who cares.
I'm missing important television.
-But she promised to star in our film.
-Your film?
How can you make a film?
IAN: It's for a competition.
-"You've Been Shamed."
-The winning entries get shown on national TV.
-You mean you can make your own television
and win fame and glory and the peasants
will worship and fear you?
-Uh, sort of.
-Do you want to help us?
-No.
I'm going to steal your idea and enter the competition myself.
Hm-hm.
-Why do I have to do this stupid job, anyway?
-Because we have camera men and makeup girls.
Now get dabbing.
Script-editing lackey, come here.
Right, let's run through the script.
So, Renfield enters with a big bowl of blood.
-A big cream cake.
-And he trips on a carelessly abandoned coffin lid.
-A skateboard.
-With hilarious results.
Right.
I think we're ready for a take.
Makeup girl.
-Ingrid!
Ingrid!
-Yes, daddy?
-You and I are going to have to have a long, frank discussion
about job satisfaction after you've cleaned up this mess.
-OK, dad.
What's this?
Top secret.
This diary belongs to Magda Westenra.
-That's your mother's private diary.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Private.
This means you, County.
If I ever find out you've read this,
I will twist your-- [clears throat]--
until you what?!
I think maybe we should honor your mother's privacy.
-Nah. INGRID: Let me read it, dad.
I'll find a good bit.
[clears throat] July 7, 1994-- the Count is driving me mad.
He is so sexist.
He ignores our beautiful, brilliant daughter
and spends all his time with Vladimir.
He says women just don't have what
it takes to be successful vampires.
MAGDA (VOICEOVER): But I will show him.
I will swap Vladimir with a baby from the boring British family
who is staying in the village.
They will take him far away to Britain,
and the Count will bring their baby up as his own.
Then, we will see who has got what it takes.
[laughter]
INGRID: Ha, ha, ha.
RENFIELD (LAUGHING): Mistress Magda
always enjoyed a good laugh.
-Vlad, my boy-- you're not my boy!
-I knew it.
I knew it!
I was on holiday in Transylvania 12 years ago.
I must be your son.
Father.
-Listen to yourselves.
You sound like a bad soap plot.
-I think it sounds like a good soap plot.
-Yeah, right.
Dad, you don't believe him?
Do you?
-Tell me more about this holiday in Transylvania.
RENFIELD: Uh, if I might make a suggestion?
We should settle this as they do on that TV-- with a DNA test.
-What's a DNA test?
-It's a scientific way of finding
out if people are related.
-Related?
I'm your son, dad.
-Proceed with the test.
[thunder]
-So, first I'll need a skin sample.
-Um, you could just use a spatula.
-I suppose.
[maniacal laughter]
-Are we all ready to spin the wheel of DNA?
-If this is science, I'm a banana.
-Shut it before I peel you, clever clogs.
This is Transylvanian science.
Much more accurate than boring British science.
-And it's entertaining.
Spin the wheel.
-[sigh] There we go.
Robin was your son all along.
Ooh, what a revelation.
Can I have Vlad's room?
-No, you can't.
I'm having Vlad's room.
Right, dad?
-Robin, I thought you were supposed to be Vlad's friend.
-Real vampires don't have friends.
-I like this boy already.
-Vlad?
Are you OK?
-[sigh] I can't believe it.
I don't know what to do.
-Well you can start by clearing out my room.
-My room.
-Children, children.
This is no time to argue.
Just get this impostor out of my castle.
-Dad!
-Apparently not.
ZOLTAN: I thought this would please you, Master Vladimir.
Haven't you always wanted to be normal?
-It's not that.
It's dad-- I mean, Count Dracula.
I never thought he could be so horrible.
-The name might have given you a clue.
You ready to pack me now?
-Wait.
I want you to stay and look after my so-called friend,
Robin, for me.
Really look after him, if you know what I mean.
-I'm surprised, Master Vlad.
I thought you'd want me to make his life a living hell.
-I was being ironic, Zoltan.
It's a breather thing.
It's a breather thing.
-How did it go with Ingrid today?
-Ingrid is not a vampire.
Everything is perfectly normal.
-What did she say to you, exactly?
-Ingrid is not a vampire.
Everything is perfectly normal.
-Good garlic, the lad's been hypnotized.
Jonathan, look at me.
-Hey, dad.
What's with the finger thing?
-You've been hypnotized, son.
-Hypnotized?
I think I would have remembered.
-No, you wouldn't.
That's the point.
Now concentrate-- can you remember
talking to Ingrid today?
-No.
-I knew it.
Hypnotism's an old vampire mind trick
only highly-trained slayers like myself can resist.
But no vampire hypnotizes my son and gets away with it.
-This is going to involve wooden pointy things, isn't it?
-You betcha.
Tomorrow, we're going slaying again.
I like your new hair style.
COUNT DRACULA: We'll call this one, "Robin's First Flight."
-He doesn't stay in the air very long, Master.
-So we'll run it in slow motion.
You're doing very well, my boy.
Look at that, he's losing his reflection already.
-Master, this son is no improvement on the last one.
-Ignore him, father.
He's just jealous.
I know I'm a better vampire that Vlad.
Let me prove it.
-How?
-Master, there was one thing that Master Vlad
would never do.
(WHISPERING) He would never let you bite the local peasants.
-Mm, an excellent idea.
You will catch me a nice, juicy local for my dinner.
-You can't hang out there.
People will think you're homeless.
Oh, that's right, you are.
-Don't you think you upset him enough?
-It's a good start, but I can do better.
-Very convenient the way you "found" that diary.
-I thought so.
Well, the good news is, dad loves Robin.
How does it feel to be fifth favorite?
-I'm sorry, Ingrid.
-What?
-I didn't realize how bad it felt when dad ignored you.
-Feeling guilty, Cruella?
-Of course not.
I'm a vampire.
I've got no conscious.
-And no taste in lipstick, either.
-What do I do, Zoltan?
-You have two choices, Robin.
You can kidnap a peasant and go to prison for a very long time,
or you can disobey the Count and be sent away like poor Vlad.
Poor, rejected, lonely Vlad.
-Alright, Zoltan.
Enough.
I'm going to do the right thing.
-Good.
You're going to admit that you're not a vampire
and let Vlad come home.
-No.
I'm going to play along and hope something
turns up in the nick of time.
-Don't know what you're grinning about.
[knocking]
-Mom wants to know if you're staying again tonight.
-Yeah.
Tonight and the rest of my life.
-Vlad, I just know Ingrid faked that diary.
-It wasn't her writing.
-But was it your mum's?
-You know, I've never seen my mum's writing.
Sh-she was away all those years.
-Well, she must have written once.
Right, we're going up to the castle.
There must be a letter from Magda somewhere.
[organ music]
COUNT DRACULA: Renfield!
Well done, Robin!
It's nice to see someone around here making an effort.
-All we need now is your victim, Master Robin.
-Oh give it up, dad.
They're out.
Can we go home now?
-[sigh] I suppose so.
It was unlocked.
Typical vampire arrogance.
-Or maybe they're just normal people who don't expect slayers
to barge in waving stakes and mallets.
-Maybe.
OK, grab your stake and mallet.
Let's barge in.
-Oh dad, please can we just check they're actually
vampires before we totally embarrass ourselves?
-What do you suggest?
-I'll go in first.
If I see any vampires, I'll give you a shout.
-Your first solo slaying.
I'm proud of you, son.
-I am so looking forward to this.
-Father, about me being your son.
-Yes, yes.
You're doing very well.
Now this juicy peasant, will he be here soon?
-Umm, how about an aperitif?
-Mm.
[sniff] How many times do I have to say it?
I hate this stuff.
Mm.
-You are vampires.
-And you are dinner.
-No!
Leave him alone!
-Dad, help!
Help!
-[growling] Huh?
VLAD: Cut!
OK, people, that's a wrap!
-What's going on?
-Just our entry for "You've Been Shamed."
-Y-yeah.
We're making a vampire movie.
VLAD: A comedy vampire movie.
-What rubbish.
-Dad, look!
They were making a movie.
[cough] We'll be off, then, too, won't we, dad?
-Yes.
-Eh, not so fast.
Who are you, anyway?
-I'm Vlad's woodwork teacher.
I, um, came to do a woodwork inspection.
Yes, everything seems to be in order.
Good day.
They're vampires, Jonathan.
And one day I'll prove it.
-Dad, it was just costumes and makeup.
I mean, did you see that guy playing the servant?
As if anyone is really that ugly.
-My dear boy, your clever excuse saved me
from that very small mob.
-Does this mean I can be your son again?
-Vladey, if you love a boy like a son, then he is your son.
-Oh, thanks, dad.
-Unfortunately, I only love Robin,
because he is my real son and heir.
INGRID: Um actually, he isn't.
-What?
But the diary.
-Yeah, I totally faked it.
It's been bugging me all day.
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
-I knew you had a conscience.
-No.
It's just that he was so glad to be a vampire,
I couldn't stand the thought that I made someone so happy.
-Vladey, my boy, you are my boy.
-So I'm not a vampire after all?
But I was so sure.
-I know.
You were selfish, you betrayed your friends,
you were totally inhuman.
-You mean--
-Just because you aren't a vampire
doesn't mean you can't be evil.
-Thanks, Vlad.
You're my best mate, you know that, don't you?
-Robin, I'm your only mate.
-Exactly.
-So after all our adventures, everything's back to normal.
Just like on TV.
-Wait a minute, what about that DNA test?
-What can I say?
I just don't like you.
COUNT DRACULA: Such drama, such timing.
I'm a cinematic genius.
-I can't believe they actually showed it.
-Master, I think I've had enough now.
COUNT DRACULA: Just one more zap, son?