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  • In the beginning, a game company called Wisdom Tree

  • began producing unlicensed games for the NES.

  • Wisdom Tree said, "Let there be shit," and there was shit.

  • Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games,

  • like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head,

  • which has nothing to do with the Bible;

  • Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshotting pissed-off animals;

  • Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church;

  • and all those ridiculous CD-i games.

  • [game voice] Yippee! Yippee! Whoops! Yippee!

  • I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes.

  • So what's the point of going on anymore? 'Cause part 3 is never as good.

  • But, you know, there's a few more Bible games left,

  • so I might as well finish what I started.

  • I mentioned before that there's a Game Boy game called The King James Bible.

  • Since then, I've actually gotten the game in my possession,

  • so, I might as well try it out.

  • I gotta admit, I thought this game would be nothing more than just

  • reading the Bible on a Game Boy,

  • but there actually are a couple games involved.

  • The first one is a stupid memory game. All you do is match the words.

  • The other one is just like playing hangman with sheep.

  • You have to guess the hidden word by choosing all the correct letters.

  • If you choose a wrong letter, one of the sheep will hop the fence.

  • If they all get over the fence, you lose.

  • Like, right now. I'm really stumped.

  • Damn, fucking sheep. All right, what's the word?

  • "Goodliest"?

  • Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"?

  • Of course, they're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech.

  • Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

  • Of course, you can read the Bible,

  • basically if you want to use your Game Boy as an old-fashioned e-book reader.

  • I wonder how many batteries you'd need to go through the whole thing?

  • The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible.

  • For example, we could search, I don't know, how about the word "ass."

  • Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results.

  • "Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass,"

  • "Loose his ox or his ass," "Whose ass have I taken?"

  • "Deliver unto his neighbor an ass," "Which of you shall have an ass,"

  • "He had found a young ass,"

  • "The dumb ass," [laughing] It says "dumb ass" in the Bible.

  • "Saddled his ass," "Opened his sack to give his ass"?

  • "The lion had not eaten the carcass or torn the ass"?

  • "Riding upon his ass"? [laughing]

  • Oh, I'm going to Hell.

  • Next game, we have something kinda special.

  • It's an unlicensed NES game called "6 in 1".

  • That's pretty much the title. How creative.

  • Unofficially, it's known as "Caltron 6 in 1", because the company who made it,

  • Caltron, went out of business before they sold off all their games.

  • "Hot Selling!" Yeah, right.

  • Well, another company, called Myriad, bought their inventory,

  • slapped their own sticker on the front, and started selling them again.

  • For this reason, the Myriad version is even more rare.

  • Its price in auctions is usually much higher than the Caltron version,

  • even though, technically, they are both the same exact game.

  • Myriad didn't make any programming changes whatsoever;

  • even the title screen still says Caltron on it.

  • That sticker on the front, let me tell you, that is one expensive sticker.

  • With that bit of trivia, you're probably wondering,

  • what does this have to do with the Bible?

  • Well, there's six games on it, all of them suck major shit,

  • and they definitely went for quantity over quality, much like Action 52,

  • although, it's not THAT bad.

  • Honestly, the games aren't horrible;

  • they're just mediocre copycats of other games.

  • Cosmos Cop is a ripoff of Space Harrier;

  • Balloon Monster is a ripoff of Buster Brothers;

  • Porter is a ripoff of Sakoban;

  • Bookyman is a ripoff of Make Tracks, also known as Crush Roller;

  • Magic Carpet 1001 is, sadly, the most original of all of them.

  • But there is one Bible game on it: Adam and Eve.

  • It's a two-player co-op game where you fly around on... balloons

  • and try to land on top of... cute little worms.

  • Out of all the games on this cartridge, this is probably the most original.

  • They sure put a new twist on the story.

  • Instead of Adam and Eve being a man and a woman, they're now asexual twins.

  • Take your guess which is which: the one with green hair, or the one with red skin.

  • Are they aliens or something? Is that why there's space in the background?

  • The tree of life apparently is now just a few bamboo sticks crossed together.

  • The serpent is now a whole army of balloon-flying worms.

  • And there's a bird that lays eggs on you.

  • What kind of bird lays eggs while it's flying?

  • That's like a human mother running a marathon and just dropping out a baby.

  • The only other thought is that it's an egg-shaped piece of shit,

  • but it's from a bird, so it'd usually be white,

  • which would be the color of an egg, but instead, it's brown like shit.

  • I don't know what I'm talking about.

  • I, myself, wouldn't know how to make a game based on Adam and Eve,

  • but I'd never think to make the forbidden fruit actually count as points.

  • What where they thinking when they came up with this?

  • I guess they were just trying to be really original.

  • Well, nope; actually, it's a complete ripoff of Balloon Fight.

  • And if you really want to go back further,

  • Balloon fight was very similar in gameplay style to Joust,

  • just with balloons instead of... well... ostriches.

  • So, basically, the game has nothing to do with the Bible.

  • So why am I even bothering to include it as part of Bible Games?

  • Well, here's a better question: why the fuck did they call it Adam and Eve?!

  • Well, that's the last of the Bible games on the Nintendo consoles.

  • It sure was a sacrilegious shitstain on the NES library.

  • But it wasn't enough for Wisdom Tree, no.

  • They had to put out their games on the Sega Genesis console as well.

  • Tell you the truth, these are all games I've reviewed already on NES.

  • Sometimes the Genesis versions are different, like they were with Action 52,

  • but this is not the case here.

  • All these games are nearly identical to their 8-bit counterparts.

  • Spiritual Warfare is pretty much the same.

  • You know, that Legend of Zelda clone

  • where drug dealers are shooting lasers at you from alleyways?

  • Since the whole game functions just like Zelda,

  • with item inventory and everything like that,

  • wouldn't it have been nice to use the same save feature?

  • Instead, there's this annoying password system.

  • If you're gonna copy anything from Zelda, have a save feature!

  • And that was on NES. So you'd think with a more advanced console,

  • they'd be able to do that again.

  • Then there's Exodus and Joshua, which were both the same two games anyway,

  • which were both adapted from a game called Crystal Mines.

  • Not much to reiterate here; just going around blasting giant cheese puffs.

  • Then, there's Bible Adventures, which, again, is the same as the NES version,

  • just with slightly different graphics.

  • Gotta love that classic Baby Moses game.

  • The best part's drowning your own baby, and then killing yourself.

  • Isn't that nice.

  • Then of course, there's David and Goliath,

  • which might as well be called David and the fucking sheep,

  • because that's all you do, is carry sheep from one place to the next.

  • Man. Who the hell is able to pick up three sheep and climb a tree?

  • And this may seem like a minor complaint,

  • but when you pause the game, the music keeps going.

  • I hate games that do that. What if you get a phone call or something?

  • You want it to go quiet.

  • This game is extremely frustrating in its bad control.

  • There's a part where you have to climb up a mountain,

  • but no matter how hard you try, you keep slipping off the platforms!

  • UHN! UNNNH! HUHHN! Oh, fuck!

  • All right, here we go, here we go--UNH! Fuck! Bitch.

  • You'd think these are doors, right? Well, guess what?

  • You can't go in. They're just for decoration.

  • So, maybe they're miniature monoliths from 2001.

  • When you do manage to get to the top, there's nowhere left to go.

  • You have to take a shitty guess and jump at thin air.

  • See, there's another platform you're supposed to reach,

  • but you never know otherwise. It's literally a leap of faith.

  • The other game on the cartridge is Noah's Ark.

  • This is the one where you painstakingly have to pick up every animal on the screen

  • and carry them to the ark.

  • I've mentioned before how Noah is some super-strong freak of nature,

  • but he does have his limits.

  • He can jump while carrying almost any animal, but an ox, nope, that's too much.

  • Every animal has their own specific rules, and it makes no fucking sense.

  • The most annoying is the snakes.

  • Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes.

  • Indiana Jones wouldn't do that; no, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker.

  • Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted.

  • That's right, in order of manliness:

  • Indiana Jones, then Peewee, and then fucking Noah.

  • Keep in mind, Noah also has to be able to identify the male and female animals.

  • So, how does he have such a keen instinct for this?

  • I mean, I'm no bird expert,

  • but does the toucan exhibit any clear signs of its gender?

  • If it's a female, does Noah look at it and think to himself,

  • "Look at the cans on that toucan."

  • The graphics are dull. There's so much brown.

  • The ark is brown, the trees are brown.

  • Why's everything gotta be the color of shit?

  • It might as well be shit.